Foreplay is out of the question - my wife only wants penetration. Please help!
You don’t say whether it’s a new problem. If she’s always been like this, it may be because of some misplaced ideas about sex.
My wife and I have been together ten years and we have three young children. Our relationship is excellent and our sex life (bearing in mind the kids) is as frequent as we would like BUT one aspect is driving me to distraction.
My wife finds any sort of foreplay towards her boring/irritating and annoying. Basically we just fuck. We never kiss, she insists her nipples are not an erogenous zone, and she finds cunnilingus or any type of genital stimulation boring. She just wants penetration… and yes she climaxes most times this way.
What makes it worse is she refuses to discuss this at all. She is like the stereotypical man! She is always willing to touch me in any way but her body is verboten.
The lack of sexual intimacy during intercourse leaves me emotionally cynical and I feel like a dog. One night stands (which is what it feels like) have never been my bag.
I am seriously at a loss about what to do.
You express your feelings very clearly in your letter, but I wonder if you’ve explained this fully to your wife? You don’t say whether it’s a new problem. If she’s always been like this, it may be because of some misplaced ideas about sex, in which case I think she would be unlikely to change her position – unless she herself really wanted to.
But if her attitude is a recent development, then there could be a number of possible reasons, which you obviously need to find out, so you can both do something about it. I know you say she refuses to discuss it, but you need to find a way - you describe your relationship as ‘excellent’, so if she knows how deeply unhappy this is making you, she will care enough to talk.
Be quite open about how incomplete you’re feeling, and just how much it would mean to you (and therefore to the relationship) to share more sexual intimacy. Rather than challenge her, try asking for her help - and instead of confronting her with the things she won’t allow, perhaps frame it in terms of how you want your lovemaking to be more two-way, and to be able to enjoy the closeness and intimacy that goes with that.
Whatever the reason, it sounds as though she doesn’t want to lose control or make herself vulnerable with you, so you’ll need to tread carefully and gain her trust. It may come as a relief to your wife if you can enable her to let her guard down. It might be something as mundane as being permanently exhausted from looking after three children that’s making her hold back, or it could be something more serious.
Either way, you’ll only find out if you talk.
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