My wife says she has a low sex drive but we bought a vibe and now she uses it on her own Help!

This is a bit of a ‘Moral Maze’ dilemma - there’s no easy way round it. I wonder how you’ve found out - and if you’re 100% sure?

Question:

My wife of 20 years has always claimed to have a very low sex drive. Recently we purchased a small vibrator for use in our lovemaking.

She enjoyed me using it but became very prudish when I suggested she hold it. "No," she said, "I could not do that." She was emphatic, she would not under any circumstances do that.

Then I find that she has been using it on her own. I feel cheated, she does not know yet that I know she has been using it. But our sex life has gone from seldom to extremely rare - this from before I found out she was using it herself.

I am so frustrated and quite angry. What should I do or say.

Julie Says:

This is a bit of a ‘Moral Maze’ dilemma - there’s no easy way round it. I wonder how you’ve found out - and if you’re 100% sure? Unless you are, don’t refer to your suspicions. If you’ve had to rummage through what she would consider private areas, then you have to weigh up whether it’s worth revealing anyway, as it will seem a bit disloyal.

If she has been using it, then it’s certainly boosted her interest in sex, as you intended - it’s just that you need to retain a love life together, as well! Make sure you’re clear in your own mind how you feel.

It’s quite normal for partners in a relationship to still enjoy some solo fun; it helps us stay in touch with our own sexual responses, which can then enhance our lovemaking with our partner.

You obviously need to have a talk, so choose a relaxed moment to tell her how you feel. It’s important, however you broach it, to try and make it positive. She’s obviously someone who already feels some guilt about touching herself, so she may be beating herself up about it - don’t make her feel any worse.

Be sincere: make it clear that you really fancy her, and want to enjoy a sex life together. You know her well, so you’ll know how best to put it. I can understand your feelings of anger and frustration, but I think it may be productive to put them on one side and see if you can relight the fire together - perhaps without even revealing your detective work.

Refreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.