1. My wife has put on weight, which I find unattractive. How can I discuss this without upsetting her?

    My wife has put on weight, which I find unattractive. How can I discuss this without upsetting her?

    You’re right to tread carefully - this is a tricky one. I think you have to be honest with your wife, but you also need to be hugely sensitive.

    Question for JulieQuestion:

    Just recently my wife has put on quite a bit of weight and I'm beginning to find myself less and less attracted to her. I love her to bits and don't want it to become a problem between us.

    How can I discuss this with her without upsetting her?

    Julie Answers…Julie Says:

    You’re right to tread carefully - this is a tricky one. I think you have to be honest with your wife, but you also need to be hugely sensitive - which from your question I can see that you are. Does the extra weight bother your wife herself?

    If she’s depressed about it, then you can offer to support or even join her in a diet/exercise plan to get in shape again. It’ll be much easier for her to lose weight, and far less tempting for her, if you both eat the same foods - and you can help her get fit (and have some fun) by taking walks/bike rides/salsa classes together.

    If she’s unaware of the effect it’s having upon you though, then you owe it to her to explain - very gently - how much you love her, but how the extra pounds are putting you off being as intimate with her as you want to be.

    Tell her she’s still lovely, but that you don’t think she’s making as much of herself as she could. She then has the opportunity to do something about it - not just to recapture your desire, but for the sake of her health and self-image too.

    The Greatest Sex Tips in the WorldRefreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.

    Comments (5)

    • steph: January 09, 2010 18:14
      I think Julie is right saying, offer to start a diet or exercise plan with her and it will ease the pressure off your wife.
      Just drop some comments in conversation (nicely) my boyfriend and I decided to buy a cross trainer for us both and im not stupid my boyfriend has a great body I knew I had put on weight but he still used the cross trainer and encouraged me to use it too, It made me feel better about myself and the fact that he could be honest with me was good to.
      Im sure your wife wants to look sexy for you and if you help her along the way then she might even enjoy losing the extra pounds.
      I suggest you buy her some nice lingerie from LH in the size she was before and it might give a bit of incentive.
    • Avrielle_Aniko: January 11, 2010 12:06
      I think its important to be truthful to her, but keep it realistic. If she has put on a large amount of weight, it could be difficult for her to drop it.
      When I first met my man, I was determined to lose some weight. I dropped 2 dress sizes almost instantly when we first got together, and it seemed I didn't have to try too hard. But 3 years on, I have gained 3 dress sizes and I'm finding it very difficult to drop the weight again. I feel this is because I feel very comfortable around my man no matter what my size is. She could well be feeling the same.
      I'm aware that he would prefer me to drop some weight, but he has never pressured me to drop all the weight at once.
      As for buying some sexy lingerie, my partner has tried this too. He bought me a beautiful steel boned corset, but it has been sitting in my closet for over a year now. This is because it is 3 sizes too small for me, and I feel it impossible to drop to that size again, just to fit into one item of clothing.

      He has made it clear that it is his goal for me to fit into that corset at some point, not immedietly, but somewhere down the line. But I think it would be better if I had an 'inbetween' goal to reach before trying to fit in to that one. So maybe an item of clothing that is one size to small, then another item when I have reached that goal for the next size down from that. Otherwise it feels like a mountain to climb to fit into something that I would only have managed one other time in my whole life!

      Just a thought. Hope all goes well for both of you. xx

    • steph: January 11, 2010 19:40
      Well if your boyfriend has said it's his goal for you to fit into the corset at some point but not right away I think you've taken it badly that he wants to give you incentive into losing weight, i dont want to sound mean or anything because im in the same situation, when i met my boyfriend I was a size 10 and now i'm a 14 so we're both working together to help me get back into shape.
      It's a difficult subject for men to go about anyway, but if they try their best to go about it in the right way we as women should not make them feel bad for being honest because at the end of the day i would rather have honesty than a man straying from the nest and no matter how much in love people are.... a lot of arguments boil down to sex. Of course men need to make the effort to, It's not fair to be told you've gained some weight and their sat there out of shape too, but still support is needed from both sides of the relationship... obviously its upsetting knowing you have put on weight and that your partner has also noticed but honesty is the best policy as long as there is support and determination into helping each other out. I hope both the man who's question it is and Avrielle work things out and come up with happy mediums in their relationships. xx
    • becks: January 12, 2010 18:56
      loosing weight is a tricky one and many factors can be involved in putting it on and getting it off.

      it is perfectly possible (within reason) to be sexy and a larger size, perhaps helping your wife feel sexy *as she is* whilst encouraging healthier food and lifestyle options in the home, for example don't shove her into getting fit classes etc but begin by going for walks together, then maybe bike rides .... whilst helping her be sexy *as she is* ...

      anything more intense has to be *her* choice.

      If she is seriously overweight (whereby she is risking her health) then the issue might need to be tackled more directly but still supremely sensitively.

      and off course thinner does not always mean happier, fitter or healthier or sexier ....


    • maisie: January 19, 2010 18:18
      I agree with Steph and Julie. My bloke signed us up to ceroc last year .Even tho he's skinny and doesn't need to loose a pound he knows I need to loose about two stone and I'm finding ithe exercise is good fun and really helpful. I love it that he's joining in and encouraging me too.