Photo Messaging - Being Abused Since 2002
Recently I was offered a free mobile phone upgrade.
When presented with a series of new phones, I ended up going for a Sony Ericsson C902. It has a 5 megapixel camera which, as the sales person pointed out to me, is great for holiday snaps.
Yeah… Who actually uses their camera phone for holiday snaps?
As far as I’m aware, there are only three real uses for a camera phone:
1. Taking pictures of your friends when they’re inebriated.
2. Taking pictures of your pets wearing hats.
3. Taking pictures of naked body parts.
This incredible feat of technology has gone from a marvel of the modern world to Loaded’s ‘send us some photos of your girlfriend’s arse’ campaign.
Those futuristic 5 megapixels won’t be used to capture the beauty of a freshly blooming baroness Rothschild rose but they will be used to realistic recreate your every hair follicle, mole and stretch mark in exacting detail instead. Swings and roundabouts, I suppose.
But then again, who hasn’t sent a cheeky photo of them in the nip to their partner on a lonely night? And who hasn’t received a picture message of a disembodied cock at 2am?
The thing is, a lot of people make photo messaging faux pas’ and I want to prevent this from happening on my new phone, and your new phone too!
Follow my simple tips for achieving the most from your camera phone and never be horrified by another random fanny or willy again!
1. Back story
Receiving a nude picture with no precursor, context or back story is both underwhelming and overwhelming, at the same time. Make sure you build up a little conversation beforehand so the textee knows to half expect a cock shot in the next message.
2. Phantom penis
There really is nothing less appealing than the phantom penis. Faceless, nameless and useless, the phantom penis is a photo which contains cock and nothing else. At least jazz it up before you take the photo, lads - draw a dragon on it, make it a little cape, just do anything to make it more entertaining.
3. High res, low class
In the good old days, phone cameras were considered top of the range if they took a photo at 1 megapixel. Now, there are camera phones that manage up to 8 megapixels a shot. The funny thing is, people generally look better at lower resolutions. The poor quality makes skin look smoother and bodies seem more dreamlike and sexy. Turn the resolution on your phone down and you won’t have to worry about disguising that pubic stubble before you pose.
4. Under pressure
Don’t feel under pressure to send a photo message back. If someone has sent you a picture of their mimsy, it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do the same. If they really won’t shut up, go online, find some porn, photograph the image on your phone and send away. No embarrassment. No pressure.
5. Oh hi mum, yes those are my tits you’ve just seen on the internet
No matter how much you’ve made someone promise not to show your rude photos to anyone else, it is inevitable that it will leak its way out somehow. To prevent embarrassment, take the photo so that no distinguishing features are in it – if you’ve got a tattoo, make sure it’s cropped out, if you’ve got a birthmark shaped like a flamingo, take the shot from the other side. Denial is much easier this way.