1. How Important is Regular Sex in a Relationship?

    How Important is Regular Sex in a Relationship?

    There was recently quite a controversial blog post on Lovehoney from international sex expert Tracey Cox, dealing with the subject of lack of sex in a long term relationship.

    This post caused many interesting follow up comments, some agreeing and some disagreeing.

    As we like to give a range of opinions, we asked the original Orgasm Coach, Lisa Turner, to give her view on sex and relationships.

    Lisa is probably best known for her research into orgasm and its ability to affect a woman’s career. Lisa found that while men lose energy through orgasm, women become empowered and gain clarity of thought, meaning that they can move up within a company and become career confident.

    But Lisa Turner is more than a one-trick-pony. Lisa also specialises in a form of sexual therapy that leaves you feeling energised and ready to take on the world, instead of emotionally drained afterwards.

    So who better to take on this tricky topic than the Orgasm Coach herself!

    Find out more below the jump…

    How important is regular sex in a relationship?

    "Sex is the glue that binds a couple together and the barometer of how well the relationship is doing. But we know that men and women approach sex from very different perspectives. Tantra and an understanding of sexual energy offer an explanation as to why this is.

    It is based on how men and women 'penetrate' the world. Look at the way men and women physically penetrate the world, imagine silhouettes of a man’s and woman’s body in profile.

    Notice that the part of a man’s anatomy that bulges out is his genitals, showing that he penetrates the world first with his sexuality. His sexuality is then the gateway to his heart, love and emotions.

    Now look at the woman and you’ll notice that it is her breasts that stick out first. She penetrates the world with her heart and for her to access her sexuality she needs her heart to be activated.

    the orgasm coachSo what does this mean in practical terms?

    Basically – men often find that they need sex before they can feel and give love, and women often need to feel and give love before they can feel sexual.

    Women will feel “hassled for sex” whereas if a man is deprived of sex, he can feel unloved. Many women will know that chatty, open and relaxed way your man communicates with you following sex. This is his heart opening to you as a result of you opening your sexuality to him.

    This inherent imbalance might sound like a disaster for relationships but there are plenty of ways round it.

    The simple way to solve this is to do what I sometimes suggest to my couples: Have sex twice. The first time is for him, the second for her. And the second time can be the next night or a whole week later!

    Other ways are for both the man and woman to learn how to open their own heart and sexuality. So the woman learns how to turn on her own sexuality, so that she is sexually open and ready for her partner, and the man learns to open his heart so he can give and receive the love that his partner needs for her to feel aroused.

    Another reason that sex is important in a relationship is not only because it’s a way of giving and receiving love, but it is also an energy exchange. Men actually give a woman life force energy during sex, and for a woman to reject sex, he will feel she is rejecting his gift.

    This energy might be just what she needs to release any blocks she has and him 'hassling her' could be that unconsciously he knows this and is why he wants to give her this gift.

    So rather than a 'duty shag' think of it as a gift of his energy. He is simply trying to love you in the way that he knows best.

    Of course the ideal would be for them both to learn Tantra so that his heart can open and her sexuality can open when they choose.

    Tantrikas (those who practice tantra) can spend up to 2 days preparing themselves and each other energetically for sex. Sex is so much more than a physical act or the emotions that come into play.

    The energy exchange is a huge part and this is why people get so excited about sex (excuse the pun)!"

    Flower Power Orgasm balmFind out more about the Orgasm Coach and her Ecstatic Living course over at her brilliant site. You won't be disappointed!

    Comments (27)

    • SS: November 01, 2009 10:31
      I'm sorry, what? He gives me his life force energy during sex?

      And here was me thinking that was just his dick.

    • WandA: November 01, 2009 20:26
      I don't remember this type of 'energy transfer' in my school physics!

      I'm with SS, pseudo-babble of the highest order here!

      I'm disappointed LH, you really can do better than stuff like this to enhance peoples sex lives!

      I'm sure I could find the time to write a piece on Astrology and horoscopes if you want.... ;)

    • WandA: November 02, 2009 00:51
      An updated comment,
      I initially felt I'd been a little bit too harsh on this lady, dismissing her talk as simply pseudo-babble. I felt this was a little unfair and not in the rationalist spirit so I indulged in some research.
      It got worse.
      I didn't know 'Orgasm coach' was a self appointed title, her only training is "NLP, NLP coaching, hypnosis, and Time Line Therapy. On the spiritual side... a Reiki master Certified Spiritual Practitioner a Tantrika" *NO* medical or health training as far as I could ascertain. Turner is a Dr but a Dr of engineering...
      She runs a 'psychic academy' (The use of academy here would have Plato rolling in his grave!) which if anyone is interested in, is very soon running a 'teleclass' on how we can "survive the 2012 (polar) shift" by THRIVING on energy (ooo more energy... and how to avoid the impending apocalypse).

      She also runs classes on 'Cosmic ordering', essentially the belief that we can 'connect our desires to the cosmos to make our desires reality' (See Noel Edmonds!). New age praying then? What were these classes described as by a professional actually in the sphere of psychology (Sharon Parker, the director of the institute of work psychology at the University of Sheffield)?
      "Establishing an expectation in women that they can, and should, solve gender problems themselves by engaging in magical thinking is not only unhelpful, it could be damaging." and a "a scandalous waste of public money."

      I really am now disappointed with LH, directing people who may have genuine concerns or problems to what I can only describe as a 'new age' pseudo coach/doctor. Very disappointed.

      I apologise if this appears a personal sleight, it really isn't, Its just my belief that LH has a responsibility and a want to ensure its customers are fully informed and satisfied, the advice given might be good advice in parts but new age spiritual so and so cannot compensate for a fully professionally trained councillor or psychologist. If any, or all, of this is wrong, feel free to correct! The internet is a sketchy place for which to quickly research! Apologies if anything is incorrect and I hope I am mistaken.
      I also don't think this is the same Turner who has 'researched' (in a reputable, double blind, scientific etc... sense) the link between sex and careers, I am however not fully confident on that.

    • Lubyanka: November 02, 2009 02:03
      Further to what WandA had to say, I want to add that Lisa Turner claims on her website to be a certified NLP Trainer. I am a big fan of NLP and am myself a licensed and certified Practitioner. The people and institute where I trained are both listed in the official Richard Bandler-affiliated NLP Trainer index at nlptrainers.com
      However, in that index the name Lisa Turner, her website, and her organisation are all absent. In all of the results for NLP Trainers in the entire UK on that website, there is no Turner listed. My trainers and their institute are listed in the UK results even though they are located in Dublin. The website she recommends for NLP training is also absent from that index, and in fact is actually run by her. She gives no information about who employed her as an engineer, or which organisations awarded her the credentials she claims to have.
      Personally I would investigate her credentials further before validating anything she has to say.
    • Lubyanka: November 02, 2009 08:30
      Further to my last comment, I've been looking into Tracey Cox' credentials. I'm sure her media credits are all valid and easily verifiable. On her website she says she has an academic background in psychology but fails to name where she studied or even what qualifications she gained.
      Her page on Wikipedia says she studied journalism and psychology at "Queensland University". But a quick web search showed that there is no "Queensland University" - there is Queensland University of Technology which has no psychology nor journalism courses, and there is Central Queensland University which has two psychology courses but none in journalism. There is also the well-known and well-respected University of Queensland which apparently is never called "Queensland University".
      Currently she writes for News of the World, and I'm sure you can all draw your own conclusions about that. And I personally think a lot of her advice is unnecessarily and unhelpfully limiting, and on occasion uninformed. I've commented about that a few times on her posts here but she's never responded.
      But my personal opinions about her advice are irrelevant, I think facts are what are important here, and I think it might be a good idea to verify the credentials of *all* the writers LH are presenting, including Lisa Turner and Tracey Cox.
    • LoveHoney - Carly: November 02, 2009 08:59
      Thanks for your comments!

      We post several different views and opinions as different things work for different people. Tracey Cox's traditional approach works for some and Lisa's NLP and therapeutic approach works for others. We also offer Julie Peasgood's advice too!

      We never say there is a 'hard and fast' way to treat anything, because... well, there isn't! Without analysing anyone individually, in person, it is hard for anyone to diagnose and advise over the internet. Please remember, this is advice not gospel.

      As for qualifications, I think you'll find that Lisa Turner is fully qualified with the certificates (authentic, and everything) to prove it. She originally trained to become a senior lecturer in Automotive Engineering with a PhD in Aero-acoustics and Mechanical Engineering at a fairly famous UK University. She has also trained to learn NLP and hypnosis through several resources and teachers as well as fully studying Kabala and Tantra.

      Tracey Cox trained at the University of Queensland which is often referred to as Queensland University, both in their marketing literature and by the people who study there. It is also advisable for her to use the slightly shortened name of 'Queensland University' as she is best known in the UK where universities are often listed in this manner and this shortening becomes a reading aid for many.

      I think it's worth remembering that whilst you might find information limiting and unhelpful, others find it useful. Many people do not have a full understanding of their own sexuality so many sex experts and therapists have to start from the absolute basics and build up from there. This is an online advice column and if Julie, Tracey or even Lisa spent the time to address each issue fully, exploring each possible avenue, then we would all be here for days! If someone is in desperate need of councilling then they would be better off going to someone in person who can devote many hours to them, instead of writing in online and expecting complete therapy.

    • Lubyanka: November 02, 2009 09:31
      As far as I know, a certificate by itself is meaningless without an issuing authority. Certificates notwithstanding, if Lisa Turner trained at real places, why not name them? All properly qualified, certified and licensed NLP Trainers recognised by the Society of NLP (which is the official worldwide body of NLP) are listed on that central database no matter where they trained. If she's not there, then the Society of NLP don't recognise her. If she had the NLP qualifications she says she has, then she should certainly be listed in the NLP Trainer database. Since she isn't, then I for one want to know why.
      Therefore I think that the veracity of her certificates might be worth investigating. These things are important to me, and I also hope they're important to LH.
    • WandA: November 02, 2009 11:28
      Personally I hold NLP to be another pseudo-science, I think being credited and certified in it is irrelevant if, as far as I am aware I can LEGALLY call myself a NLP coach, Reiki master, chiropractor, nutritionist or hyponotherapist with no recourse, I can't run round with a stethoscope claiming to be a doctor or claim to be a dietician or physiotherapist. Although I think that is a debate for another time Lubyanka ;), although I commend you on your investigative spirit!
      My issue was not with people giving advice, but I felt without explaining her credentials (or lack of) it may be misleading to people, self appointed credentials (such as 'Orgasm coach') or not making her expertise clear (a doctor in aero-acoustic engineering) all appear to be misleading, designed only to improve her perceived authority.

      Thank you for the response Carly, I really appreciate it. We know LH is a responsible company and a really good resource, I just don't believe it wants or should be tarnished by some of this potentially damaging new age rubbish (immersing yourself in a mental bubble of energy and playing with your shakras, is useless if you have a medical condition). I read a few articles mentioning Turner describing her as a 'psychologist', when, as far as am aware, she in nothing of the sort. I really hoped LH wasn't under this impression if it is false and had not been misled by some of the lit available online.
      So do I get that slot on Horoscopes? :P, I see a bright future (for me) if some one is happy to part with hard earned cash for my astrological insights!
      As a side note and trivia, do you know that 80% of peoples star signs are actually incorrect, due to shifts in the patterns of the stars changing since it was first introduced! You need a certain level of ignorance to believe them!
      Spreading scepticism one person at a time! :P

    • Lubyanka: November 02, 2009 12:07
      Whether you think NLP is a legitimate field or not, official regulatory bodies do exist, and there are ways of verifying claims of qualifications. In principle, proving spurious qualifications in a pseudoscience should be easy. However, Lisa Turner is unable to provide us with even a minimum of evidence to support her NLP qualification claims, so this opens to question whether her other claims are similarly unsupported. And all this fits in very well with our shared issues regarding Lisa Turner's misleading claims and qualifications in general, all of which cast doubt on every other thing she says.
      As I said earlier, my opinions are irrelevant, but the facts do matter very much.
    • LoveHoney - Carly: November 02, 2009 12:12
      As for Lisa Turner's degree in Automotive Engineering with a PhD in Aero-acoustics and Mechanical Engineering, I know someone that was taught by her at University so this very much exists!
      I've e-mailed Lisa today to confirm whereabouts she acheived her NLP qualifications and will get back to you as soon as possible. I hope you can understand that Lisa, Julie and Tracey are very busy people with full time jobs, families and media careers so don't have time to respond to each and every comment on their blogs individually, which is why you have not yet received an answer to this yet.
      Patience is a virtue.
    • Lubyanka: November 02, 2009 12:20
      Thank you for asking Lisa on our behalf to confirm and specify her NLP qualifications.
    • LoveHoney - Carly: November 02, 2009 15:00
      Lisa has just got back to me to confirm where she has studied. She has studied NLP and hypnosis through ITS - http://www.itsnlp.com/

      As well as studying through one of the many Transpersonal Psychology centres and NLP Training's Tad James - http://www.nlpcoaching.com/index4.html

    • Lubyanka: November 02, 2009 15:13
      Thank you Carly. I had a look and those websites and trainer names are also absent from the database I mentioned.
    • LoveHoney - Carly: November 02, 2009 15:23
      As far as I can tell, you don't have to be registered at the Society of NLP to practise it? The fact that this database doesn't have any of the trainers listed doesn't mean that they're not qualified. It just means they haven't entered their details there, surely? I don't believe it is like a driving licence...
    • Lubyanka: November 02, 2009 15:30
      As I understand it, nlptrainers.com is not a website into which anybody can enter their details, this is the database of NLP trainers controlled by the Society of NLP. As I understand it, only the Society of NLP can enter trainer data, and the Society of NLP only enter details of trainers and institutes whom the Society of NLP recognise as qualified. This was what I was told when I got my practitioner qualification, when I was advised of this resource as a way to verify trainers and institutes.
    • LoveHoney - Carly: November 02, 2009 15:44
      So you have to trained through a school specifically recognised by the Society of NLP to be entered into their site? As far as I'm aware, it is not a necessity of being an NLP trainer to be registered with the Society of NLP. No where on their site do the specify that they legally govern who is and isn't NLP qualified.

      I think it is a good resource, but I don't think it is a complete encyclopaedia of who is and isn't qualified, by any stretch.

      A good comparison would be with gas engineers. All gas engineers have to be members of the Gas Safe Register to legally be able to fit a boiler. As far as I'm aware, all NLP trainers don't have to be members of the Society of NLP to be able to teach.

      I see it more as belonging to a union. I am a photographer and could join the National Union of Press Photographers because I am qualified and work within media, however I am not part of the union because I don't feel it necessary. I'm sure Lisa Turner could approach the Society of NLP with evidence of her qualifications and experience and be listed, but why do it when it isn't necessary?

    • Lubyanka: November 02, 2009 16:04
      I was told when I qualified that there are a lot of people out there using the NLP name and qualifications who aren't entitled to do so by the Society of NLP, which is the only organisation under the jurisdiction of the founder, Richard Bandler. Because there is currently no legal assistance for enforcing their use as there is for other qualifications such as psychologist or medical doctor, the Society of NLP takes their use very seriously which is why they control their database so stringently.

      As a practitioner trained by a Society of NLP approved institute (nlp.ie), and certified and licensed directly by the Society of NLP, it is important to me to specify where relevant when those titles are used without the required affiliation.

      I hope that understanding the legitimacy of a lesser-known qualification is important to you as it is to me.

    • LoveHoney - Carly: November 02, 2009 16:28
      I'm still struggling to find anywhere on the Society of NLP site that says 'if you're not registered here, then you're not a real NLP trainer'.

      The only information even close to that is this sentence: "The top NLP Institutes are here and you can search for those NLP Trainers that are approved by Richard Bandler for Neuro-Linguistic Programming."

      It doesn't say that it is an exhaustive resource or that you HAVE to be registered.

      Yes, having Richard Bandler dub you NLP King/Queen of the world is nice, but it doesn't appear on his site that it is an absolute necessity to practicing or teaching it.

      Lisa Turner is not claiming to be registered with the Society of NLP but she was more than happy to tell me where she has trained and offered me links. If she was really underqualified and trained by some back street NLP practitioner that also sells harvested organs on the side, I don't think she would have bothered to answer, let alone provide links.

      I personally believe Lisa's qualifications and think she has more than proven herself. If you choose to think otherwise then that's up to you. We have provided her advice here for those who seek a different point of view to that of Tracey Cox, if they choose to take it then that is also up to them. Quibbling over where someone is registered or isn't, is in no way changing the advice.

    • Lisa Turner: November 02, 2009 18:01
      Science, spirituality has always been at odds with each other. It’s always been my intention to be as open and honest with what I do and offer as possible.

      Nothing I say is the truth, or fact but neither is it a lie. It is a model. And one that works 95% of the time.

      A lot of people reject what I do as psychobabble, and I’m not in the business or convincing or converting anyone. If what I do is interesting – use it. if not, reject it.

      I agree that it’s healthy to be sceptical, but also to be open minded.
      People question the idea of “energy”, asking does it have a scientific basis. Many physicists agree that the jury is out on “life – force energy” or prana or chi or ki (many words are used). There is a big difference between making the muscles of a dead frog twitch as if it were alive, and the live frog moving. But it can’t yet be measured.

      My NLP qualifications are – that I’m certified as a Trainer of NLP,
      NLPcoaching, hypnosis, and Time Line Therapy by the ABNLP, the ABH, the TLT institute and ABNLPcoaching (I think I’ve remembered them right)
      There are several bodies including the society of NLP and the Institute of NLP. NONE is the leading one – but those who have trained with one will state that there one is the TRUE institute. Once certified trainer of one you are eligible to join any – I only bother with one as there is not real benefit except to say that you have lots of letters after your name. I'm more interested in results.

      My other brand is Psycademy – psyche as in the human soul, academy a group of like minded people. I was erroneously given the title “psychologist” by the Sun and others picked this up. I asked them to print a correction but I expect that wasn’t given much room in the paper. I would hate to mislead anyone and was horrified that they had done so. it says more about the paper’s accuracy than me I hope.

      I think it’s great that people question it keeps everyone awake but just make sure you don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Try some energy work with an open mind. If it works – use it. If not, don’t. But at least try it – or you’re in danger of being brainwashed yourself. In science there is no proof, only evidence. Make sure you are looking at the evidence.

      There aren’t many true scientists that believe we know it all (or they would be out of a job). Keep questioning and keep your mind open to new possibilities.


    • Kim: November 03, 2009 12:39
      Well I'm not sure what all that argument was about - I actually agree with Lisa's energy argument - I always thought I was the only one aware of it!

      People who are not aware of the energy that's around in the world need to open their eyes and souls a little.

      As for calling herself an Orgasm Coach - she can call herself what she likes: if Lisa specialises in that area, then that's what she should call herself. If you're a self employed coach, then you need to have a niche area. Lisa is obviously working in an area which loves and in which she's knowledgeable about. She's using all her skills as an NLP practitioner to help people with their intimate relationships...I'm sure she could just as easily use her skills in business or confidence, but she's chosen sex, and if she helps people achieve a great sex life and orgasms, then Orgasm Coach fits.

      As with all coaches, we bring information and resources and points of views in from different places to help our clients, so we don't have to be an expert in everything. We also may have points of view that some of our clients disagree with. And that's fine. If everyone on this planet stopped and listened to other people's opinions, instead of jumping in and saying they're wrong, then this world would move far more towards world peace.

      There is stuff in the world and universe that we don't know and can't explain, and nor do we need to. Before you criticise outwards, especially about subjects like energy transfer, take time to look inwards. If it makes you angry then perhaps you need to ask yourself why.

      Lisa - great article, thank you.

    • Lisa Turner: November 03, 2009 13:08
      Hi Kim

      Thank you so much for that comment.

      It was actually several of my clients who nicknamed me the Orgasm Coach. I'd been working with them on other issues - money, relationships etc and when we were exploring the problem they were pre-orgasmic.

      In tantra and shamanism it's well known that orgasms are a great way for women to increase their energy and confidence. There is a fair bit of research on it too. Once we'd solved that problem, and she had learnt how to harness the energy of them,all the other problems seemed to be solved too. My clients told their friends, who wanted to see the "the orgasm coach", who told their friends.

      Even if a woman can have orgasms, there is a technique she can learn to harness their energy. Lots of homework and practice (sigh)



    • WandA: November 03, 2009 14:49
      Thank you very much for the response Lisa, even though I very much disagree with your philosophy and what I believe are misguided ideas, I appreciate anyone who is willing to respond and feel between your own comments and mine people can make free informed choices about your ideas, without too much misinformation.

      My main issues was with, what some people, might interpret as misplaced expertise or authority through an inadequate explanation of the 'Orgasm coach' title etc...

      Without starting another debate, I would ask you Kim to follow much of your advice. Open your eyes and listen to the advice of those qualified. "Nor do we need to", Ignorance is bliss ey?
      I hope one day you 'see the light', oooo the irony!

    • helen: November 05, 2009 20:56
      All I know is that since experimenting with tantric sex, our sex life is so much better, I agree totally with the view that I am indeed receiving my husband's life force and energy via sex, I am a happier and calmer person and have a much greater enjoyment of sex than at any time in the last 20 years. It's now on a much higher level than simply having sex together, for people supposedly so open to fairly extreme sexual practices ( on the LH forums), they are very scathing of something that has great meaning to me and my husband - I'd like to give them a piece of their own advice - don't knock it till you've tried it. It makes a lot more sense to me than bdsm or polyamory.
    • Lubyanka: November 06, 2009 01:05
      Helen, Who was scathing, and how? Are you positive that what you thought was scathing wasn't actually just disagreement?

      Lisa, thank you for your response, I appreciate it.

    • Jenny: November 06, 2009 22:02
      I think the article is implying the woman is the one who doesn't want sex as much.

      What if the man doesn't want it as much as the woman?

      I'd really like it 3 times a week and he is content with 3 times a month and the rest of the time wanking to porn. :(

    • hot momma: November 10, 2009 05:44
      love this article. so true. women need to be loved to feel sexy and men need to have sex before they can ever feel love hehehe
    • JD: January 14, 2010 21:34
      I think Lubyanka has too much time. Also, if you are a male or female - try use your NLP training to make a positive imprint in the world hey.

      What would happen if no one had a different opinion - how boring!