I worry that my boyfriend is now more interested in porn than me. He doesn't seem to want sex. Help!
I can see why you’re feeling hurt and confused, with your partner not initiating sex, and instead seeming to prefer porn and self-pleasure.
My partner and I have been together for nearly two years and moved in together nine months ago. I have always had a higher sex drive than him and I'm pretty open minded and up for anything (within reason).
Just lately sex has become a little bit of a routine with me always instigating. I decided to leave him to make the first move but that didn't work. I bought him some adult mags as a pressie but soon realised that he was using them as a substitute for sex with me. He works shifts so has time in the day alone to play.
He recently masturbated next to me in bed when he thought I was asleep - I was mortified as he'd turned me down earlier blaming tiredness. I've just found that he's been looking at porn on the net and I worry that he doesn't find me sexy any more.
He won't talk and I'm feeling insecure. I'm 40 - eight years older than him. I love him to bits and want our sex life back to how it used to be. Do you have any advice?
I can see why you’re feeling hurt and confused, with your partner not initiating sex, and instead seeming to prefer porn and self-pleasure. I wouldn’t worry about the porn itself - most men look at it online - but you’re right to be concerned when this (or the mags you’d bought hoping to stimulate his interest) are becoming a substitute for sex with you.
Let’s look at a few possible explanations. You say he works shifts - that makes it doubly important to make sure you catch each other at the right time (with a compatible level of wakefulness!) And I wonder how the rest of your relationship is? Sometimes if one partner is feeling angry or resentful with the other, it can make them hold back sexually - even if it’s not a conscious thing.
Is he feeling secure in himself? Is he stressed or under pressure at work? Does he have any health worries? We think of men as always being ‘up for it’, but it’s absolutely normal for their libido to be affected by these or other issues. And at times like this some quick undemanding self-satisfaction can just seem like an easier option.
The issue that seems to be really worrying you is that he may not find you sexy any more - and without reassurance otherwise, I can understand how insecure that makes you feel. So again - you’re right, it’s something you need to know. It’s only normal for the initial sexual passion in a relationship to calm down a bit after the ‘honeymoon period’ but I’m a huge believer - like you - in the need to keep the passion alive. It’s easy for sex to become a bit of a routine - like everything else, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
It’s not easy - you sound like a warm and caring lover, but it may be that your higher sex drive may make him feel under a bit of pressure to perform. Remember that masturbation and enjoying porn don’t have to be solo activities - they can be an exciting part of your love life together - but he may need a bit of guidance with that.
However, these are just possibilities and there’s no substitute for an honest talk. You say he won’t, but I’m afraid that if he values the relationship, he’ll just have to. Be honest - tell him exactly how you feel and invite him to do the same in return. Try to avoid guilt and blame - and you should be able to progress from here. You deserve it.
Refreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.