Top 10 Worst Sex Toys of the Decade
From the strange and unusual to the downright bizarre - welcome to Lovehoney's list of the top ten worst sex toys of the past decade!
Now we all know the phrase 'different strokes for different folks' and we have been known to encourage the more curious fetishes here at Lovehoney, but these sex toys really shouldn't have been made in the first place!
Check out our list of the top ten worst sex toys of the decade and make sure you avoid them like the plague (or Swine Flu, whichever is more current).
1. Doggie Style Debbie UR3 Masturbator
I'm not sure who 'Debbie' is but if she were a real person with the exact dimensions of this sex toy, her teeny tiny feet would not be able to support the weight of her own ass and she'd end up short and stunted. A little like a penguin.
2. Touche Masturazor
The Touche range of sex toys look fabulous, but sadly don't live up to their cool, sleek exterior.
The Masturazor is a weird combination of a bulbous vibrator and a personal shaver. Now the first thought to come to mind is 'ouch' - seriously, a vibrator mixed with a sharp thing is never a good idea - but even as individual products, they're as weak as my will power when cake is involved.
3. Original Blue Wonder Pill
With a name like 'Original Blue Wonder Pill' you'd probably assume that these libido enhancing tablets would be… well, full of wonder. Sadly, they're not.
The Original Blue Wonder Pill did as much for erections as Margaret Thatcher did.
4. Dog Sex Toy
Have you ever wanted to shag a dog? Well now's your chance!
When this arrived as a sample at Lovehoney, the team 'cooed' and 'ahh-ed' at just how cute it was. Then it got turned around and someone pointed out its ultra-realistic, textured love hole.
No one wanted the embarrassment of having to take the Dog Sex Toy out to the bins so now it sits on the top shelf in the office, acting as a plastic animal overlord to us mere minions.
5. Finger Sex Vibrator
This one can be classed as one of the worst sex toys of the decade just on appearance alone. It looks like a torture device combined with a pedometer (same thing, surely?).
If anyone approaches you wearing this, leave the situation immediately via any possible exit.
6. The Anal Hook
This one is so bad that I decided to write a haiku about it:
Anal hook is pain,
Worst sex toy of decade, yes?
My sphincter twitches.
7. Dildo Gas Mask
I wasn't sure whether to put this sex toy on the list as it has an amazing 5 star review:
"I wore this to the office, and it caused a stir. That said, I had to face a disciplinary.
Pros: The design reminds me of an elephant, which is why I purchased the product. Anyone wanting to look like an elephant should buy this.
Cons: I discovered that it's not suitable for office-wear. I would imagine this may also be the case in blue collar occupations.
Bottom Line: Mmmmmmmm wicked… what?"
However, the staggering amount of questions this gas mask raises, rather than answers, is more than enough to add it to the list.
8. Vibrating Pleasure Periscope
This one makes it onto the worst sex toy of the decade list for several reasons. Firstly, it's a vibrator but not a very powerful one. Secondly, it's a light but not a very powerful one. Thirdly, it's a periscope but not a very powerful one.
Now, I'm not saying that if it did work, I'd want to take it deep sea diving with me, but you would hope that it did at least one of these things reasonably well in order to illicit a response other than 'wtf?'
9. Designer Willy Warmers
Not just any willy warmers but designer ones, I'll have you know!
Don't do it lads, not even as a joke. It's the equivalent of a woman wearing a talking thong with Jimmy Saville on.
10. Deluxe Rabbit Thruster Vibrator
Most 'thrusting' sex toys rarely live up to the expectations but this one was spectacularly rubbish. Not only did it barely thrust but the amount of noise it made whilst doing so was almost off the scale.
They were also notorious for stopping working at the crucial moment too. Avoid the Thruster and you'll be much happier for your decision!
Disagree? Have your own worst sex toy of the decade to add to the list? Let us know!