1. My partner is 20 years older than me and ejaculates prematurely. What can we do?

    My partner is 20 years older than me and ejaculates prematurely. What can we do?

    Could it also be that as your partner is 20 years older than you, he may feel a bit insecure or lack confidence when it comes to having sex with you?

    Question for JulieQuestion:

    I'm 28 and my partner is 48. We have sex but it doesn't last long and we always have the light out. We do pleasure each other but he comes too soon and I take ages.

    I like things rough and fast but he won't because he thinks he's hurting me and, of course, he comes too quickly. What shall we do?

    Julie Answers…Julie Says:

    There’s obviously a bit of miscommunication between you and your partner. Your letter is very short but I'm still getting confusing signals from you that you like it ‘rough and fast’ - yet you’re dissatisfied when sex doesn’t last that long. It sounds as though you’re playing guessing games with each other in the bedroom, and if you both want to gain more from your relationship then that needs to stop.

    Could it also be that as your partner is 20 years older than you, he may feel a bit insecure or lack confidence when it comes to having sex with you? I get the feeling he could be anxious that he doesn’t quite measure up to your youthful expectations - in terms of his body or performance…

    I’m sure you can resolve things, but take it slowly… diving straight in demanding 100 watt spotlights in the bedroom will have him feeling like a rabbit caught in a car’s headlights! But you can move away from having sex in total darkness by lighting some candles - or by changing the light bulbs in the bedroom to some of those mood-setting pastel coloured ones.

    It’s all about creating the right ambience and setting a relaxed pace right from the outset. Importantly, in your case, you need to tell him what you find attractive about his more mature body - and that you need to shed a bit of light on the subject to appreciate it!

    Next - and this is crucial - take time right out of the equation. For men, premature ejaculation can get them into a cycle of anxiety that's hard to break. So you take control, and explain that you’d like to come first. Get him to pleasure you (manually or orally) to the point of orgasm before you even start arousing him.

    Keep the pressure off both of you by letting this take just as long as it takes. After which it's his turn - whether that involves you arousing him (which probably won't be necessary by then) or even just going straight into intercourse - fast or slow. Then if it's over quickly, he won't feel he's let you down or 'failed' in any way.

    I think that once he becomes more assured about his own physical attraction, and feels less performance/time pressure, he will relax - in his mind and body - and he’ll begin to last longer. It's really worth putting a bit of thought and effort into this - you’ll both be so much happier for it.

    The Greatest Sex Tips in the WorldRefreshingly frank and funny, actress and presenter Julie Peasgood delivers practical information to transform your sex life. The Greatest Sex Tips in the World explores the world of eroticism, revealing secrets and techniques that will energise and enhance your enjoyment.

    Comments (1)

    • becks: August 17, 2009 18:35
      This is interesting, there is a similar chronological age difference between my partner and I he is 48 and i am 31, we have found that we communicate with each other really well and it is this which allows for pleasure both on a companionship level and sexually.

      communication really is the key, and removing preasure; - the first time we had sex we did just touching and oral, (we hadn't got contraceptives as it was kinda impromtu although we were both clean STD wise) and talking, we told each other fantasies and what we liked or didn't -- heck we even spoke of our 'first' times and what they were like, all the while gently arousing each other until we both came, he over my chest, which is an image i adore thinking of when i'm having a bad day :)

      Now i'll admit i'm fortunate in my partner is sexually experienced and a darned good lover but he also has a vulnerability in him and it would be easy to trigger it consciously or un-consciously and create performance issues, imho because we are open with each other, and because we are gentle emotionally with each other this makes us better lovers to each other, so we know when to do it rought and hard, when to do it gentle and slow, when to woo each other first and so on ..... and minimises possibe preasure related performance issues.

      communication really is imho key here; you are not going to know what he likes or vise versa if neither of you listens to each other.