1. I Bang The Worst Dudes aka The Modern Dear John Letter

    Anal Douche Been through a terrible relationship and want to tell the world? Well the wickedly funny Sorry Mom website is dedicated to this very cause!

    Like a modern version of the Dear John letter, the website offers a place to anonymously vent about bad boyfriends, rubbish relationships and sexual misadventures.

    It's also a good way to check that the guy you've just started dating hasn't been rated a Grade A douchebag by his ex's.

    Working as a weird kind of therapy, the I Bang The Worst Dudes site asks that you add a short description of the dude in question, submit a photograph of him and agree to their terms and conditions. To maintain anonymity, the Sorry Mom staff will add a black bar over his eyes and never reveal your name or e-mail address.

    Think of it as taking the cocoon of anger, jealousy and irritation from inside you and unleashing it on the internet as a beautiful butterfly of revenge!

    The Lovehoney Community are a bitter and twisted lot (but oh so sexy!) and decided to vent their own frustrations, Dear John style, in their very own thread.

    Here are a few highlights from one of the most amusing topics on the forums in ages:

    "Dear Slobberchops,

    Opening your mouth so wide during a kiss that I can see what you had for lunch is not sexy. My face is clean enough without you washing it with your tongue.

    Also not sexy is wanking whilst on the phone to your 14 year old girlfriend when she isn't expecting it. To someone so inexperienced, it just sounds like you're beating eggs with a whisk, which is never sexy.

    Maybe you should be careful with future girlfriends that you don't wank on the phone WHILST opening your mouth so wide it looks like a railway tunnel… you wouldn't want to get a nasty surprise now, would you?

    Yours (thankfully no more),


    "Dear Horny Ignoramus,

    Even a coma patient could tell you that simply cutting your fingernails is not enough to eliminate sharp edges, especially if the fingernails grow curved outwards, as yours do.

    Using a nail file is not rocket science. I'm sorry you were pipped to the post in the intellect competition by a jar of mayonnaise.

    Honestly, sex with a jar of mayonnaise would have been a lot nicer, and I could have had a snack afterwards.

    I have just about healed up now, thank you for (not) asking. It only took 26 years.


    The Artist Formerly Known As Shredded"

    "Dear first,

    I thought you were great - you'd had a hard life, adopted at birth after being found at a bus stop… and I fell for it all! How foolish? It didn't occur to me at the time how much you looked like EVERYONE in your family!

    Opening and closing you mouth without doing anything doesn't count as kissing, pulling my nipple isn't foreplay and asking if I was enjoying it was a major mistake. If you didn't ask, then you may have had more confidence as you wouldn't have got the reply "I didn't realise it was in".

    With everything that happened I decided to continue with the relationship (I was young and naive). It fizzled out after a while but we remained friends… that was, of course, until you slept with my new boyfriend!

    I'm glad you're not in my life anymore but when you turned up at my old place of work and saw me dressed as Wonder Woman for the launch day it completed me - your face was a picture! And when you asked for another chance, it made me feel so happy with my life as it is!

    Hopefully you're better in bed with men.

    Enjoy your life!


    Fancy venting about sex gone wrong? Have a tale of relationship woe you want to share? Head over to the Dear John thread and let us know all about it!

    Comments (1)

    • Louise: June 30, 2009 22:00
      Dear Weirdo

      oh yes how obesessed i was with you. tall handsome and great sense of humour...what else could i want! then i opened my eyes!

      tall- yes
      handsome - not so much
      sense of humour - non existent!

      playing monopoly isn't what i call fun and weekends do start before 5pm you know (lazy git!)

      you know there is this thing called exercise - maybe you should try it some time or at least get off your bum to do something!

      next time your girlfriend starts to get fed up, don't make her go on a guilt trip - it's not fair. - maybe she will end up kissing your friend and telling you about it and you wont care then either! thinking about it now i pitty the poor girl.

      therefore....so long- grow up, get a life and possibly look at men a little deeper as i think that is the way you are headed!