Tuesday Taste Test - Beer and Banana Flavoured Nipple Pasties
AN ENTIRELY NON-SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH PAPER INTO THE TASTE, TEXTURE AND SIDE EFFECTS OF FLAVOURED NIPPLE PASTIES
A Report by Carly "Pleasure" Drew
My job is sometimes exceptionally hard. Figuring out what product to lick every week is a gruelling task and occasionally I like to enlist the help of Lovehoney PR Wonder Woman, Ruth, to help me decide.
At approximately 14.32 today I sent Ruth a message asking for her suggestions of what I should taste this dreary Tuesday afternoon. Promptly Ruth got up from her desk and went looking for something very specific for me to lick. Ruth did not disappoint! To my desk, she brought me two different flavoured nipple pasties - Beer Flavoured and Banana Flavoured.
"There's some stuck to Jenna Jameson's breasts if you want to lick them," Ruth offered me as she handed over the packs. Strangely, this statement didn't faze me in the slightest. Neither have phrases such as:
- "Imagine you're shoving this up your arse…"
- "I'm not trying that, I'm not trying your witchcraft!"
- "So, does the Pope like ice cream then?"
Which have been muttered in the Lovehoney office during various discussions of sex and sex toys.
The pasties come in simple little plastic envelopes with descriptive, pink, card tops to them. The Edible Body Pasty - Banana Flavour has the words "Bodacious Banana" on it in yellow type, whilst the Edible Body Pasties - Beer Flavour has the phrase "Beer-n-Boobs (together at last!)" on them. I never really thought of "Beer-n-Boobs" as a winning combination before but I can see the appeal - it's like strawberries and cream, sausage and mash, peanut butter and crumpets…
Upon opening the pasties, I give them a quick feel with my fingers and decide from the texture that they're not made of a material that I'd particularly like pressed against my own breasts. They are very flexible though and I can imagine they'd stick nicely to all shapes and sizes of body parts.
My theory is that the Edible Body Pasty - Banana Flavour will taste like those foam sweets that you get in Pick-n-Mix and that no one likes. I predict that the Edible Body Pasties - Beer Flavoured will actually taste like beer. Possibly Kronenburg. I am basing my theory on the look, feel and generally ingredients used in the pasties.
In order to prove my theory that the Edible Body Pasty - Banana Flavour and Edible Body Pasties - Beer Flavour will taste like their name sake, I propose to lick them numerous times, in various areas of the pasties and then report my findings including taste, smell, lickable texture, side effects and realistic properties.
15.14 - Take both Edible Body Pasty - Banana Flavour and Edible Body Pasties - Beer Flavour from the packets and examine the designs with a critical artists-eye.
15.16 - Consider licking the pasties off Jenna Jameson's norks.
15.17 - Decide against it as Jenna's rack is upstairs in the customer services department and a) I'm too lazy to go up there and b) It might look strange if I go to visit customer services purely to lick a pair of disembodied breasts.
15.18 - Smell both pasties and note that the Edible Body Pasty - Banana Flavour smells like absolutely nothing whilst the Edible Body Pasties - Beer Flavour smell like beer. Result!
15.20 - Lick the banana flavour pasty.
15.21 - Lick the banana even more to try and find some sort of flavour.
15.22 - Lick back of banana pasty, thinking that the flavour may be hidden there.
15.23 - Give up and lick the beer flavoured pasties.
15.24 - Try to figure out if the taste is that of actual beer or just some sort of watered-down pseudo-beer mix that you may find at certain public houses.
15.26 - Continue licking pasties in the hopes of getting drunk.
15.35 - Fail in my quest for inebriation.
My results couldn't be at further ends of the spectrum! The Edible Body Pasty - Banana Flavour was utterly disappointing with no noticeable smell or taste. The packaging suggests that as it's a banana and you only get one of them, you should use it as a penis pasty. But unless you have a very curved penis and want to wax your foreskin off, I wouldn't advise it.
My findings for the Edible Body Pasties - Beer Flavour however, are more positive. They smelled fruity and tasted like beer! I predicted it would taste like Kronenburg but it has more of a lighter Heineken taste to it which, in my opinion, is a good thing. Upon licking it repeatedly, I didn't notice any drunken behaviour but I now have indigestion and the hiccups, so maybe with more pasties and more licking, I will achieve my goal.
In conclusion, my theory and hypothesis have been proven true and false respectively.
The Edible Body Pasties - Beer Flavour tasted and smelt like they were intended to. However, whether your girlfriend will let you stick them to her breasts and lick them frantically, still remains to be questioned.
The Edible Body Pasty - Banana Flavour tasted of nothing. It also smelt of nothing. Which is fine if you just want a big banana sticker to slap on your todger, but kind of defeats the point of a flavoured pasty.