Tuesday Taste Test - ID Juicy Lube Pina Colada Flavoured Lubricant
A Report by Carly "Pleasure" Drew
ID Juicy Lube Pina Colada Flavoured Lubricant is a 108ml, thick, plastic tube of clear water-based lubricant that stresses the point that it is "for topical cosmetic use only" - which is nearly as polite as saying "use it on your mimsy".
The tube is garish in design and busy with pictures of pineapples, flowers and what appears to be some sort of clam. There is no clam, mussel or any other sea-dwelling mollusc listed in the ingredients, so I will assume that it's purely there for the intention of evoking mental imagery of beaches, holidays and cocktails by the pool.
Upon opening the tube, I instantly recognise the smell of Pina Colada - a mixture of rum, coconut and pineapple juice. It has undertones of sweet maraschino cherries. It's almost syrupy and elegant in essence. It reminds me of evenings with classy beginnings and rather messy ends.
My theory is that this lubricant will taste just like a Pina Colada cocktail which, depending on your personal preference, could be a good or a bad thing. I believe that with enough consumption, this ID Juicy Lube will eventually make me inebriated or at least produce similar effects through chemical poisoning.
I intend to prove my theory, that ID Juicy Lube Pina Colada Flavoured Lubricant will taste exactly like the cocktail it's named after, by licking the product from the back of my left hand in soft, short licking motions followed by longer, lingering licks, too.
14.08 - Open bottle and pump a small amount of the contents on to the back of my left hand.
14.09 - Consider the fact that it will smell like a brewery in the office if I continue pumping and make the executive decision to stop.
14.10 - Lick the ID Juicy Lube Pina Colada Flavoured Lubricant from the back of my hand.
14.11 - Rejoice as the angels sing and my taste buds are treated to a lubricant that doesn't taste like badger scrotum!
14.13 - Keep licking the lube from my hand.
14.15 - Still licking the lube from my hand.
14.17 - Reapplying lube, followed by licking of the hand.
14.18 - Consider holding a cocktail party that serves nothing but lubricants.
14.19 - Write list of guests who would come to said party.
14.20 - Finish writing list which contains only one name. That being my own.
14.25 - Get told I have a meeting in 5 minutes time and panic as I realise I must smell like an alcoholic.
The ID Juicy Lube Pina Colada Flavoured Lubricant was licked, sucked, eaten and well and truly tasted! Normally I am rather apprehensive about tasting products, but the smell alone makes this lubricant amazing in my opinion!
My findings show that ID Juicy Lube Pina Colada Flavoured Lubricant does in fact taste like Pina Colada! Having a personal interest in rum-based cocktails obviously helped in my tasting but I feel that it could be beneficial to anyone looking for a decent flavoured lubricant.
The texture is thin and not particularly long lasting, but as it's intended to be licked off your partner's genitals (or used as a drinks mixer) this isn't so much of a problem. It is silky and smooth however, making it the Barry White of sex gels.
The symptoms of inebriation aren't apparent at the moment, but I will keep a look out for any slurring of words, falling over or starting fights with inanimate objects.
In conclusion, my hypothesis has been proven true - ID Juicy Lube Pina Colada Flavoured Lubricant does taste like Pina Colada, which happens to be a good thing for me. It's also a good thing for those people who have genitals (which I'm hoping is a good proportion of you). Although it may be too thin for penetrative sex, it would make a brilliant addition to anyone's oral fun!
I am starting to get some urges to shout "you, me, shirts off, outside, now! IT'S WRESTLIN' TIME!" at the toy dog that is sat on the shelves, but this is probably more due to it being Take-down Tuesday in the office rather than my somewhat questionable state of intoxication.