Tuesday Taste Test - Tenga Real Hole Lotion 170ml
A Report by Carly "Pleasure" Drew
The packaging matches the general style of the Tenga range - sleek, smooth and classy. This is what I consider myself to be, apart from on a Friday night when I'm doing the robot and singing along to Abba.
Standing the tube up-right provides fascinating visuals as the air bubbles slowly float to the surface. This is an effect that I like to call the lubricant lava-lamp phenomena.
The "Real" statement in the title of the lubricant is supposed to refer to the realistic sensations it provides. It doesn't smell very real, unless your vagina happens to smell rather floral, but I won't hold that against Tenga Real Hole Lotion as it's actually a rather pleasant aroma.
HypothesisMy theory is that Tenga Real Hole Lotion, although akin to a 70s-style lamp in design, will taste reasonably nice. However, I do not believe it will have the taste of a real vagina and am certainly hoping it doesn't taste like real anus. I will spread the lubricant onto the back of my left hand and lick in a long, firm motion in order to taste it and report my findings.
Experiment Diary14.00 - Attempt to open tube of Tenga Real Hole Lotion.
14.01 - Look perplexed as taking off the top doesn't appear to open it.
14.05 - Having spent the past 3 minutes trying to open the tube, I discover that it actually opens at the opposite end.
14.06 - Open tube and stare in awe at the dispensing nozzle which makes it resemble a ketchup bottle.
14.07 - Squeeze lubricant onto the back of hand and rub in with small circular motions.
14.08 - Marvel at the realistic "lady juice" texture.
14.10 - Slump down in seat and lick hand hoping nobody notices.
14.11 - Cringe in abject horror and desperately try to find my water bottle.
14.13 - Lick hand again in hopes that the second time will be better.
14.14 - Frantically rub tongue against paper towel as the warehouse manager bemusedly looks on.
FindingsTenga Real Hole Lotion is an intriguing product that has produced some interesting findings. To start with, the texture is smooth, silky and viscous - making it clear where the phrase "real" comes from.
Secondly, the taste of the product is absolutely horrendous! I have tasted many things in my time, but this is one of the few that made me want to lick a wet dog to get rid of the taste! It was rather bitter and somewhat chemical, causing me to pull an exceptionally unattractive face.
I attempted to read the ingredients to find out what may cause this taste but unfortunately my Japanese isn't great and "Domo Arigato, Mr Roboto" wasn't on the list.
ConclusionMy hypothesis has been proven false - Tenga Real Hole Lotion does not taste even reasonably nice. It doesn't taste like vagina or anus either, so really I should be counting my blessings.
It does, however, live up to its "real hole" name by having a very realistic texture which I was pleasantly surprised by. It's also long lasting and took two whole tissues to wipe it off.
In addition, it left my skin moisturized and smooth, and although I probably wouldn't replace my daily skin care routine with it, I would see it as a definite plus point to the product.
In conclusion, Tenga Real Hole Lotion would be utterly brilliant for masturbation and sex, but it's probably best you don't use it for fellatio or cunnilingus - unless the taste of unhappiness and the tears of children does it for you.