Tuesday Taste Test - Penix Active Size Up Cream
A Report by Carly "Pleasure" Drew
Penix Active Size Up Cream is a 75ml tube of opaque cream, similar in consistency to that of a mushy banana that's been sat in the glove compartment of your car far too long. The unassuming tube is navy and black in colour with a white screw top lid. The only graphics, aside from the text, is a black and white photograph of a rather muscular man with a mass of pubic foliage. He has subtly covered his weiner with his own arm.
Upon opening the sealed tube, there is a faint smell of cinnamon. This is most pleasurable and reminds me of cinnamon swirl pastries, leading to symptoms of hunger and daydreaming.
My theory is that this penis enhancer, although delicious in scent and rather dull in consistency, will have a taste that is similar to eating a bowl of Cinnamon Grahams (now known as Curiously Cinnamon - a tasty wholegrain cereal that is dusted with cinnamon that gives you such a sugar-rush you can see through time itself).
HypothesisIn order to prove my theory that Penix Active Size Up Cream tastes like what it would be like to eat a cherub, I propose to lick the cream off of the back of my hand and provide a full report on its texture, tastes and any side effects.
Experiment Diary15:00 - Approximately 1ml of Penix Active Size Up Cream is rubbed in a clockwise direction on to the back of my left hand.
15:01 - It smells lovely. Almost like a mixture of mint, cinnamon and happiness.
15:02 - The cream doesn't appear to be absorbing into my skin, instead it's just forming a white, rather suspicious looking mark on the back of my hand.
15:03 - I check the ingredients on the sheet that comes with the cream. I don't recognise any of them. It lists: Phenoxyethanol, methylparaben, isobutylparaben, butylparaben and propylparaben; all of which sound positively delectable!
15:07 - Check the office to make sure no one is watching as I lick my hand in a rather unusual fashion.
15:08 - I have officially licked my hand. I'm pretty sure no one saw me do it, but just in case I am already thinking of an excuse.
15:20 - My tongue feels a little bit disgusting but I am still trying to decide if this is the after effects of last night's tequila or the cream itself.
FindingsThe Penix Active Size Up Cream was licked from the back of my left hand in a knuckle-to-knuckle action. I used the full length of my tongue to do the licking as I am aware that different taste buds, in different areas of the mouth, pick up on different taste sensations.
My findings are somewhat disappointing: The cream only had a vague flavour of cinnamon but was mostly dominated by the taste of chemicals. It was similar in taste to drinking battery acid.
However, the texture of the cream is rather pleasant. It reminded me of the same texture found in a fine merlot: thick and brooding with an almost syrupy tone.
I am yet to suffer any side effects from licking the cream but I am fully prepared for any hallucinations, mania or hair loss that may occur.
On a different note, I have not noticed any growth to my penis neither from external or internal use. I think it may help if I had a penis in the first place but as there is no indication on the packet that I need a penis in order for it to work; I feel it is false advertising.
ConclusionIn conclusion, my hypothesis has been proven false. Penix Active Size Up Cream does not taste like what it would be like to consume a baby angel. It rather unfortunately tastes quite the opposite and I do not intend to attempt it again.
Of course, this product is NOT meant to be consumed so the makers did not consider the flavour when making it. Its actual use as a penis enhancer may very well be effective, but I shall leave it to those with the necessary addendums to review it.