1. What is the right sex toy for you?

    Vibrators and dildos, balls and stimulators, realistic and fantastic… The choice of sex toys can be overwhelming, but we can help you find the right one for you.

    Join us on a stroll through the sex toy maze - let's find our way to its orgasmic centre together…

    So many toys, so little time. How's a girl to set about choosing her perfect pocket pal? You could take the Michael Jackson approach ("I'll have one of those, and one of thoooose, and OH! I'll have one of those too…"). Within a few frenzied clicks you'd have a different toy for every day of the year, plus extras for special occasions like birthdays and weekends in Cleethorpes.

    However there are practical problems with this method. Budget, storage space and that. Luckily your good tastes and sexual preferences will help narrow things down – but even then, picking the right toy is not like trying on a few M&S cardies and saying "Mm I'll take the faux cashmere". So allow us to ease the burden with a few toy-shopping tips.

    What are you like - and what do you like?

    Before you dive into this stimulating sea of toyness you need to figure out what gets you going. Are you a penetration girl, a big-cock fan, or one for serious clitoral attention? If you have trouble coming through penetration, then ditch those preconceptions about dick-shaped dildos and give your clit the time of its life with a clitoral vibrator like the Supersex Bullet Vibrator – no penis required.

    If you're a no-nonsense classic vibrator girl, a Lady Lustfinger could be your new best friend. It's all about you, not about what's currently making Graham Norton damp.

    If you're turned on by new and wild bedtime treats, then explore the lesser-spotted toys like the Remote Control Dream Egg Vibrator or the Magic Rabbit Bullet Vibe.

    Vibrator or dildo?

    Tongue Teaser VibratorWhen I was a pink-cheeked youngster, I thought vibrators and dildos were the same thing. Now I'm the high priestess of naughty gadgetry, so listen close to her vibe-vs-dildo lowdown!

    In short, vibrators are for stimulating your external genitals while dildos are for penetration – though you can penetrate with vibes too. Dildos are generally longer and narrower, all the better for wiggling with, while vibrators come in all shapes and sizes: big and bobbly, egg-shaped, tongue-shaped or lipstick-shaped (a canny public disguise).

    You could even hand your vibe's remote control to your partner in the morning. Do remember to let him know when you're in a meeting with your line manager.

    Looks good…

    Vibrating Cyberskin Realistic 8 Inch CockIf you're a penis-or-bust kind of girl who'd rather not straddle something that looks like a Walkman, try a realistic vibrator like a Cyberskin Realistic Vibrating 8-inch Cock or a Vibrating 7-inch Solid Cock. If you'd prefer something more kooky, head for the glass dildos. You've got your butterfly vibes, your glow-in-the-darks, your double-headers… vibes and dildos beyond your wildest imaginings. Be a devil.

    Feels good…

    Heavy Metal Dildo 5 InchIf you prefer a smooth and firm penetration, stick a dildo on your Christmas list. You could try one made of glass or metal, or Honey's favourite silicone, which gets nice and warm, feels much more like skin and is easy to clean, although Honey advises using a sex toy cleaner for those porous nooks and crannies.

    But what about the size?

    You think of penis size, and you tend to think of length. It's much the same when you're buying a dildo or penis-shaped vibrator. But remember that even the largest dildo needn't go all the way in – it's all about how you or your partner controls it.

    Girth is what really matters. Here you can choose your perfect girth – not a luxury you get with your partner's penis. You may find a thick penetration deliciously satisfying, or you may find it uncomfortable and even painful.

    To find out which width works for you, head for the fresh veg section of your favourite supermart and fill your basket with a nice broad cucumber, a medium courgette and a little carrot. (Marrows may be too large for even the best-intentioned penetration fans.) Wash them well, apply a condom and some lube, and get playing. Then check out our size guide to compare and contrast.

    The science bit

    Ultimately your desires should be your guide, but check that your body doesn't beg to differ. If you react badly to latex or rubber, your skin may celebrate your toytastic spree by itching, burning and developing an unseemly rash around your key parts. So find out whether you're allergic to anything before whipping out your credit card for some Latex Coated Ben Wa Balls.

    Remember him? You know, that bloke who keeps hanging around…

    There are some surprises a chap doesn't like. An impromptu visit from your parents; lettuce salad for tea; nipping upstairs to find you humping a rubber schlong. Talk to him (or her) about your fantasies and desires. Do not whip out a new sex toy and shriek, "Do me with my new Orgasmatron Strap-On!" (Guys get insecure too, you know.)

    Choose a sex toy together, because you may find that he'd love to use a vibrating ring or delay spray to inject some dynamite for you both. What's not to love?

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