1. Venus Sex Show - Invasion Of The Sex Machines

    Here's a question for you: how lazy does a man have to be not to wank himself off? Pretty lazy and pretty wealthy, if the prices of the male masturbation machines on display at Venus are anything to go by.

    Once upon a time, a bloke would lie on his left arm for half an hour before bashing the bishop and that was enough to make it feel like someone else was doing it. Now, though, some of the finest (or perviest) minds in engineering are trying to perfect the perfect wank for the laziest men alive.

    German manufacturing minnow Magic Motions has two designs of machine, the squat tabletop Handmaid (which costs 400 euro - about £280) and the floor-standing but adjustable Fancy Handmaid (yours for a snip at £430).

    Despite looking like they're rejects from a teenage James Dyson's woodwork class, they're incredibly quiet and smooth in operation - just what the lazy onanist needs so as not to interrupt the flow of his fevered imagination.

    When the Handmaid is switched on, the hand moves up and down in a smooth circular motion. The wankee sits (or stands) in front controlling the speed of the movement with the remote control unit. Easy peasy.

    We'd recommend a liberal dose of lube because even though the hand feels semi-realistic, you could be in for some serious cock burn if you accidentally flick to maximum velocity. Anyone who's ever had a go with a Marks and Sparks mannequin knows you don't want that.

    A nice touch is that the hand's fingernails are painted a smart bright red, so if you glance down quickly enough, you might think you're being chossed off by a high-class escort girl in escort scotland. Or someone who's on their way to a job interview.

    We've got some video footage of the Handmaids in action and we'll upload it as soon as The Professor's chafing's gone down. You'll see what I mean.

    And, of course, the Handmaids will be on sale at Lovehoney soon. In the meantime, you might like to try one of our other sex machines.

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