1. Venus Berlin Sex Show - More Good News For Lazy Onanists

    Male masturbators from SOM Japan More good news from the Venus Berlin Sex Show for the world's lazy onanists, this time from Japan. And no, we don't mean the pretty Japanese girl in the bunny outfit, rather the SOM Series of electrical masturbators that she's representing.

    Much more clinical in appearance than many fucking machines - a polite way of saying they don't look like they've been made in a shed - the SOM Series is a range of masturbators, two for men and one for women.

    The Men's SOM is a lap masturbator that's ideal for use on your sofa while you're watching your favourite porn or at your desk while you're surfing the spaceweb - no more trying to use the mouse left-handed, yay!

    Look! No Hands! The wankee sits on the front plate uses the control handle on the right-hand side to control the speed of vibrations. Meanwhile, the business end, which contains a fleshy-feeling masturbation tube, moves up and down over your member.

    As the inventor demonstrates, the height of the arm is adjustable, so you can get the perfect hand-job every time. Just look how pleased he is! (Thank goodness he didn't get his johnson out.)

    Maybe he's chuffed at the thought you you parting with your hard-earned money for the Men's SOM - we reckon it will come in at around £300 a go after it's come on a slowboat from Japan.

    SOM for men and women Just in case you couldn't imagine why you might want to use a SOM, they had a laptop playing some XXX-rated anime cartoons. See if you can work out what's on the screen right now - hint: it's rude.

    Over there to the left is the female unit, which is the same in design except it has a 14.5cm dildo that moves back and forth rather than a hand that moves up and down.

    What would Mr Shakeyhands think?

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