1. The beautiful game sinks to sex toy slinging

    Adam and Eve 8-inch PleasureSkin dildo
    The Sun yesterday ran a baffling article (baffling for those, like me, who are baffled by football, anyway) about an ongoing wrangle between Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan and Birmingham City bosses David Sullivan (Sunday Sport owner and all-round porn baron) and David Gold, co-owner of Ann Summers and smut rag company Gold Star Publishers.

    Apparently Jordan called Sullivan and Gold 'the kings of dildos' (what, hasn't he seen Lovehoney?) last year, but thanks to his side's 2-0 win over Derby on Sunday Birmingham City had now secured promotion to the Premiership, prompting Jordan to comment, 'I've well documented my views on the Birmingham board so maybe I'll get a box of dildos sent to me - probably with a note saying what to do with them!'

    It's all Greek to me - but if anyone wants to send Mr Jordan some dildos, our extensive range has everything you could hope for, at bafflingly low prices. You can even send him a note telling him what to do with them…

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