1. How to have text sex

    So how many texts did you and your lover send to each other before cutting out of work early to get home and have sex? I had an email from a woman called Sioban who said:

    'I had the day off work, so I said goodbye to my fiancé as he left our house, giving him no inkling whatsoever as to the text sex I was planning after reading your blog on it. About 11am I sent him my first text, just saying that I really enjoyed spending time with him at the cinema the night before – even though we didn't have sex, we held hands all the way through the film like two teenagers. It was nice to feel close and in love.

    Anyway, my complimentary texts soon turned into flirty little numbers. My fiancé got into it quicker than I did, so when I texted him to say he should come home at lunch to 'eat,' it sent a thrill right through my body when he walked through our front door with a semi hard-on and a can of whipped cream. He didn't go back to work after lunch – he called in to say he had stomach ache. Must have been all that whipped cream he licked off me…'

    Thanks to Sioban for letting me know how her text sex went down. You guys can do the same by emailing me at badkitty@dirtywords.co.uk or by leaving a naughty comment on the blog page. Go on, I'd love to hear from you!

    Anyway, onto this week's Dirty Words masterclass. As we're nearing the end of this series it's about time we really got down to learning how to ask for what we want, how to describe what we want it and how to listen to and carry out our lovers' sexual requests in response. For that purpose, there is nothing better (or more enjoyable) than a personal sex questionnaire.

    Unlike most sex questionnaires you're likely to come across when reading glossy mags, etc, the beauty of this personal sex questionnaire is that you and your lover get to come up with all the questions. What's so great about that? Well, it means you are getting specific answers to the sex questions you most want your lover to answer.

    The personal sex questionnaire works like this: you both sit down with a sheet of paper and divide it in half. On one side of the sheet you write down questions you would like your lover to answer, then on the other side you write down questions that you would like to answer. Once you have answered the questions you have written for yourself, and your lover has done the same with their sheet of paper, swap sheets and answer the questions you have written for each other.

    When writing questions for your personal sex questionnaire, try to be as honest, imaginative, experimental and as sexy as possible while still being true to yourself. For example, there's no point including a question about BDSM if neither of you are in to such activities, but if you want to start exploring bondage or sado-masochistic activities, include a question and answer in your column that addresses what you would like to try and then include a similar question in your lover's column to find out how he/she feels about it.

    What you are trying to achieve with this questionnaire is an understanding of what drives you and your lover sexually; what turns you on in the bedroom – or indeed any other room you prefer to have sex in – what new positions, toys and techniques you want to try, what you like in the bedroom and, more importantly, what you don't like.

    There are no rules as to how many questions you are allowed to have in your sex questionnaire. Obviously, you don't want to sit there all day, but you should put aside an hour to write down and answer each other's questions. This is the perfect opportunity to work on your sexual communication with each other, so don't rush it. The most important thing you should remember when writing and answering questions in your personal sex questionnaire is to be as sexy as possible, so don't be afraid to use lots of dirty words to describe what you want. You could even include a question on what dirty words you would like/dislike to hear in the bedroom.

    When you have both answered your own questions and swapped sheets to answer each other's questions, it's time to read them out. You should go first. Sit facing your lover, and gather both sheets of paper in your hands. First of all you should read out your answer to the questions your lover wanted you to answer. Try and maintain eye contact throughout where possible and don't be afraid to elaborate on your answers. You should also allow each other to ask further questions about your answer once you have finished reading it aloud, as there may be something you want to clarify.

    Once you have finished discussing your answers to your lover's questions, read out the answers to your own questions, discuss your answers and questions and then get your lover to repeat this process with their own questions and by answering the ones you want them to answer. After you have both finished reading out your answers, you can then use the information you have gathered about each other and formulate your very own sexual manifesto.

    Using the answers from the questionnaire, you can write a list of what you both like, dislike, what you want to try, what you want to change and what your sexual commitments are to each other in the future. For example, 'We will spend more time on foreplay rather than leaping straight into penetrative sex each time.'

    I have come up with a few sample sex questions to start you off, but try and come up with as many of your own questions as possible. After all, this is your very own personal sex questionnaire, so start thinking, and talking, dirty.

    Our personal sex questionnaire

    Questions for me:

    1. What gets me in the mood for sex?

    2. What room do I feel most comfortable and sexy in?

    3. How do I liked to be kissed?

    4. Where do I liked to be kissed?

    5. This is what I like when you touch me:

    6. Do I want you to go down on me before or after sex?

    7. What technique do I love the most when you're going down on me?

    8. Do I want you to finger my vagina and ass when you're licking me out?

    9. Which position do I love to be fucked in?

    10. Which position do I feel sexiest in?

    11. Which position do I dislike the most?

    12. Do I want to incorporate sex toys into our fucking?

    13. Do I want to have anal sex?

    14. What else can we do to make me come during sex?

    15. What dirty words would I like to say and get you to say during sex?

    Questions for you:

    1. What gets you in the mood for sex?

    2. What form of foreplay do you like?

    3. Is there any form of foreplay you want to try that we haven't tried yet?

    4. What do you like about my blow-job technique?

    5. What else would you like me to do when giving you head?

    6. Do you want me to start playing with your anus when I'm sucking you off?

    7. How do you like me to dress for sex?

    8. Where do you like to be kissed?

    9. How do you like to be touched?

    10. What position do you love fucking me in?

    11. Which position do you feel sexiest in?

    12. Which position do you dislike the most?

    13. What lube do you most love using and where do you want to put it?

    14. Does the thought of anal sex turn you on?

    15. What dirty words would you most love to say and get me to say during sex?

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