1. 1 night in Paris - my celebrity sex tape fantasy

    I bet half the male population of Britain was glued to Channel 4 last night for their Celebrity Sex Tapes Unwound program. And I bet a great deal of women also tuned in to catch a glimpse of Colin Farrell's butt; Tommy Lee's enormous wang or Rob Lowe's even bigger sex sword. But I was more interested in the Paris Hilton sex tape.

    For a girl who is supposed to be so fly about her supposed wild behaviour and 'couldn't care less' attitude, Paris didn't exactly come across as someone who knew what she was doing in the bedroom. In fact, she looked kind of bored, reluctant and – dare I say it – talentless.

    Far from being the fellatio fiend you'd half expect, Paris looked as though giving her then-boyfriend head was the equivalent of watching paint dry. Even when she was on the receiving end of oral sex she chose to lie back in a wicker chair and zone out… she was probably planning her next shopping binge.

    Apart from a bit of frolicking in some expensive black lace underwear, it was all a bit dull, frankly. So I've decided to make up my own sex tape fantasy involving a fictious celebrity called Alexander Stone. All you have to do is read, flick your vibe switch and imagine you're watching it on some stolen camcorder video… then go and make your own sex tape -– for real.

    'There I was, hanging out in The Dime bar in Hollywood with some new friends I'd made while traveling around America, trying to decide whether to tow the line and drink sparkling water along with the rest of the group or give in to my desire to get wasted and order some horrendous cocktail with enough alcohol to fuel a jet plane.

    I gave in to peer pressure and plumed for the water. A night of rock 'n' roll excess? I think not. Just as I began planning my exit route and mentally ploughing through a multitude of excuses to get away from these sparkling water freaks, Mary (whom everyone else called Scary Mary on account of her piercing stare) stood open-mouthed, eyes fixated on a small crowd of people walking towards the table next to us.

    To be honest, I thought she was just being weird and living up to her name (I pitied the poor sod who she was focused on), but then the other girls in our group stood up and clasped their manicured hands to their glossy mouths. "Oh, wow! I don't believe this, you're the actor Alexander Stone, we love you!" Mary and the others were transfixed as their eyes fell upon the man stood in front of our table. I'd never heard his name before, nor the teen series he got his big break on, but as soon as his huge green eyes scanned mine and down over my cleavage, I wanted to know a hell of a lot more.

    After a few clumsy introductions and way too many people crammed around our table, I began getting impatient with not being able to get close to Alexander. Here was this gorgeous celebrity sitting on the same table as me, but every time I wanted to talk to him I had to crane my neck around two people to shout out a few words before some trampy bimbo wrapped her legs around his chair as she sat down on his crotch. He may have been a big deal in America, but I wasn't up for playing games and I was beginning to feel like a hanger-on, so I grabbed my black quilted clutch purse and headed outside for a cigarette and some fresh air.

    I must have been out there two minutes before the lights on the Hummer parked in front of me started to flash. 'Wanna go somewhere?" I turned around to see who had spoken, and found Alexander standing a few inches behind me with a wicked grin on his face. I knew this was going to be a once in a lifetime oppourtunity, so I took my video phone out of my purse and placed it on top one of the cup holders so that it had a perfect view of both Alexander and I. He noticed straight away what I had done, and seemed to take this as his que for what had to be the (sexual) performance of his career.

    As we drove away from the club, Alexander thrust his hand up my dress and ripped at my panties. I helped him tug at the tiny ribbons until they were just shreds on my seat. He started rubbing hard and rhythmically at my pussy; tapping my clit slightly with his fingers as he rubbed hard, over and around my hot pussy mound. I spread my legs wide so that one was on the dashboard and the other was lying across his 'stick.'

    He started ramming his big, thick fingers into my tight wet pussy as I grabbed him by the wrist and grinded myself even further onto his fingers, before he pulled away sharply to change gear. Earlier that evening I had been given a lollipop in return for a charity donation at some other club, so I hastily unwrapped the cherry flavoured lolly and started fucking myself in front of him, then pulling it out and licking my juices off it.

    Alexander demanded to join in the fun, so I fucked myself with the tiny cherry pop and gave it to him to suck on while he parked the car. As soon as we'd pulled over, our chairs started to recline and Alexander had flipped me over so that he was rimming my ass and darting his pointy tongue in and out of my pussy. He spun round underneath me and pushed me further up the seat so that I was sitting on his face. His pouting lips clamped around my pulsating clit and started sucking and lapping, while his fingers parted my lips for even more coverage. As I screamed and shuddered my way through an immensely wet orgasm, Alexander pulled me down onto his throbbing seven-inch and I started grinding and riding him slowly as he licked his fingers and fingered my anus.

    Sensing his love of anal play, I turned around and slid down onto his rock-hard cock with my tiny ass, but the sensation proved too overwhelming for him and he came before I even got half way down his shaft. As I pulled off his cock and rolled off the condom he had filled, I saw the phone in front of me and smiled to myself at how shocked my new friends would be when they saw my latest 'tourist' footage of Hollywood…'