My tiny penis horror
OK, how many of you watched Channel 4's cock-umentary on the world's biggest penis last week? I did, and it reminded me of an experience I had when I was a teenager. It wasn't anything to do with the world's biggest penis, but more like the world's smallest.
My friend Jennie was dating this guy called Andrew, who was studying at Bournemouth University, and she nagged me to go with her to visit him for the weekend. The prospect of playing gooseberry just so Jennie could get her rocks off wasn't appealing in the slightest, especially seeing how most of Andrew's mate's comprised the biggest sector of geeks I'd ever laid eyes on.
Still, the price of being a good friend is to sometimes waste a weekend talking to guys you'd never look at on a night out, just because you don't want to offend your mate's new beau.
So we arrived at Bournemouth station, Andrew was late and we had to wait an age for him to turn up. He eventually strolled over to us, reeking of booze and declaring that he and his mates – who were huddled just a few meters down the platform giggling and pointing at Jen and I – were in the middle of an all-day drinking competition. They had decided that we had to join in immediately, even though we were laden with baggage.
We eventually managed to convince Andrew to let us into his rotting student digs to drop off our bags before meeting up with the rest of the geeks, but that still meant I had to wait downstairs while Andrew tried to get his drunken leg over with Jen. A whopping seven minutes later and we were out the door…
With litres of white wine and copious shots of Aftershock consumed, I was horrendously drunk and engaged in a pointless argument about Marxism with a Politics major. Then Andrew walked over with one of his course buddies called Lewis. He was quite cute, with tousled blonde hair and a stripy jumper that had a few holes around the neckline. He kind of had a Kurt Cobain vibe going on, but in hindsight I put that observation down to being wasted on cheap vino.
To cut a long story short, Lewis, Jen, Andrew and I went back to Andrew's dive and it wasn't long before Lewis and I were romping around on a rickety bed in a vacant bedroom downstairs. The guy was a really good kisser, and he was more than qualified with his hand movements. Even though the room was freezing cold and there were no sheets on the bed, we pulled off each other's clothes and started grinding away.
Because I was so drunk, I thought I wasn't aiming my pelvis in the right direction – I just couldn't feel the size of his bulge pushing against me. It wasn't until he pulled down his boxers that I realized why. Lewis, I'm afraid to say, had the tiniest penis I've ever seen. Even at its most erect, his dick was about three inches long and not at all wide.
I'm pretty disgusted with myself for the way I reacted, but I could do nothing to hide the disappointment on my face when looking at his little chicken thermometer. Lewis pulled away from me and got dressed. We both sat there for a while in silence, not looking at each other. Eventually, I mustered something about making a cup of tea but Lewis shot me a scornful look and walked out of the house, slamming the door behind him.
As I struggled up the flight of stairs to the room I was supposed to be staying in, I met Jen on the way out of the bathroom. I blurted out what had happened and begged her not to say anything to Andrew, but by the time I came down to breakfast he was laughing about how he'd never be able to look at Lewis in the same way again. Shit!
Needless to say, the rest of the weekend was hell on earth, mainly because Andrew had signed me up that very morning to be Lewis' drinking partner on a student social night out…