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Posted on: November 18, 2008 09:11 | Posted by: Tracey Cox
Accept that it's possible for him to truly love you and still not want to always have sex with you and come up with sexual treats.
Question:
Since my boyfriend and I started dating we've had the same problem involving sex: I want it more often than he does!
I basically manage to get him into bed with me once a week or less, and that seems to be enough for him... but not for me.
Hearing the word "no" doesn't surprise me anymore when I initiate sex. We love each other very much but we really struggle to find the golden path in the middle so I can feel satisfied and he's not pressured.
How can we make this work?
Tracey Says:
First up, you need to both accept to a certain degree you can't change your 'resting' libido: it's influenced mainly by genes. But you can work around it.
As the higher sex drive partner, you need to masturbate more and hassle him less. Be direct when asking for sex and focus on separating sexual and non-sexual affection so there aren't any mixed signals.
The last thing you want is to stop cuddling for fear of giving him the wrong impression, or for him to not be able to relax in that situation!
Accept that it's possible for him to truly love you and still not want to always have sex with you and come up with sexual treats to jolt his desire out of its naturally low setting - sex toys, erotica, fantasy, role-play. Help him tap into his naughty side and you'll raise his desire levels.
As the lower sexed person, he should force himself to have sex, even if he only feels a little bit like it. New research suggests for some people desire doesn't come before arousal, it comes after.
If he doesn't feel in the mood but starts having sex, he might then be aroused enough to continue. Desire is a decision.
If it's not happening spontaneously for him (which it tends to at the start), he needs to accept responsibility to create it. This means watching for little flickers of desire rather than waiting for huge surges.
He should also work out the effect of masturbating on his sex drive. Some people want sex less if they masturbate, others find it boosts it.
Tracey Cox Kama Sutra is the TV sex expert's innovative take on the kama sutra - essential for innovative couples!
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Comments (1)
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Put a tampon in, tuck the string inside and have 'femoral' intercourse. Instead of him penetrating, use his penis as a masturbatory tool.
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Every week Tracey answers your sex and relationship questions at LoveHoney.
Perhaps he is also unwilling to agree to have sex when he is not initially feeling aroused in case he can't get an erection in that instance? (And therefore does not want to send the wrong signals by beginning something he might not be able to easily see through?)
Posted by: Taffi, November 20, 2008 18:11