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Posted on: April 21, 2008 15:04 | Posted by: Tracey Cox
Does he know you're left wanting or are you saying everything is fine? If you're pretending to be satisfied, he's going to accept it at face value...
Question:
My partner gets everything he wants in the bedroom, but I am often left wanting. How do I switch this dynamic around to my benefit?
Tracey Says:
Open your mouth for starters. Does he know you're left 'wanting' or are you smiling sweetly and saying everything is fine? Men aren't mind-readers and if you're pretending to be satisfied, he's going to accept it at face value.
There's no need to confront him, just speak up. Say (sexily), 'It's my turn tonight - and I want you here first', meanwhile pushing his head south. It's both customary and polite these days for him to give you an orgasm before penetrative sex, given that it (finally) appears to have got through that most women have their orgasms through oral sex rather than intercourse.
If it's not just orgasms you're missing out on, again, you need to be more assertive. Work out what you'd like to happen in your next sex session then tell him what you'd like to try. Could be he takes control because you're passive and don't contribute.
If you're already suggesting stuff and he's ignoring you entirely, you're dealing with a completely different problem. He's sexually selfish. In my experience, selfishness doesn't confine itself to the bedroom so take a long look at your whole relationship. Could be he needs an ultimatum of sorts.
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Comments (2)
More blog posts: Ask Tracey | More on LoveHoney: Ask Tracey
Hi Beth
Thanks for your question. Unfortunately Tracey is unable to answer every question personally, however she does address this issue in her 'Hot Relationships' book. Here's a summary of her advice:
1) Take matters in to your own hands: Masturbate often to take the edge off. Ideally, you'd tell your partner what you're up to so you don't have to lock yourself away, but make sure you don't make them fell guilty. Even better get in to the habit of doing it in front of them. Your partner might be more than happy to watch you pleasure yourself, even if they aren't in the mood for sex themselves.
2) Dont force your partner to have sex: Stop putting pressure on someone to have sex and you'll give them time to actually feel like it. That doesn't mean you can't be affectionate, just make it clear when you are innocently kissing or touching your partner that there's no hidden agenda. Stick to stroking arms, shoulders and neck and you'll ignite his desire rather than quash it.
3) When you do make love, focus on their pleasure, not yours: The better lover you are and the more enjoyment they get from sex, the more likely they are to crave it. Encourage them to open up and tell you what they need to get turned on. Ask for feedback during sex and above all, give them time to get aroused.
Hope this helps
Put a tampon in, tuck the string inside and have 'femoral' intercourse. Instead of him penetrating, use his penis as a masturbatory tool.
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Every week Tracey answers your sex and relationship questions at LoveHoney.
I read your advice on not being satisfied & being sexually selfish if you have tried to get him to be more positive in the bedroom.
My problem is he dosen't want sex at all and when we do its because I have got to the point of begging him to and then it is rubbish and i feel cheap because i had to beg for it. i have always had a high sex drive and i think he was intimidated at first and started questioning my childhood for the reason for my high sex drive. I am scared to ask for it and when i tell him he has not even kisses me (snog) for months he says he has and did but im not mad and know what we have done it is so scarce.
what to i do?
Posted by: Beth heron, May 04, 2008 23:05