Who's Your Present For? Gifts for Everyone!

Posted on: June 13, 2008 14:06 | Posted by: Richard

"Know your enemy," said Sun Tzu in the Art of War. Well, it's the same deal in the art of gift-giving...

You can buy the prettiest erotic toy ever, gift-wrap it in ribbontastic doo-dah and present it over a home-cooked meal of finest sirloin and Taittinger, but if that toy is a butt plug and you've only been going out for a week, you've boobed, our friend.

Remember how we said that knowing your recipient was the first rule of picking the right gift? Well, go back and read it again. It's kind of important. However, we accept that the awesome responsibilities of Christmas can play nasty tricks with the mind, mostly by sending it into a coma. Happens to us all. So let's work together on this one. You get the easy part: look at the man or woman in your life and think about how long you've been together. (Come on, chaps, think.) Now pick the closest match from the following list, click on one of our pressie suggestions, and bingo, that's your Christmas shopping sorted. Aren't we kind?

For Your New Girlfriend

Call us old-fashioned, but we wouldn't recommend giving a vibrator or dildo to someone you've only just pulled at the Christmas party. Ignore the willy-shaped goodies for a while (let's meet back here at Valentine's Day, OK?) and explore our Gifts and Games section.

Five great ideas:

Amazing Hot Massage Kit
It's one of the lesser-known laws of physics that no woman will dump a guy who gives her massages, even if he looks like Yoda. Buying her some massage oil is a good start, but you've also got to use it right (ie, often). So pop the lady-pleasing book in your basket too and read up on massage technique.

Chocolate Body Paint Tube
The only classy way to give choccies this Christmas. Lick it gently off her neck, belly, soft inner thighs... you'll certainly know each other better when the jar's empty.

Sex Cheques

Naughty Bedroom Dice

101 Romantic Nights Dice

For Your New Boyfriend

Boys like to pretend that they're game for anything, especially when it comes to sex. But give your brand new boy toy a sex toy for Christmas and he will be very, very afraid.

If you have only just got together and there's still a tang of shyness in the air, stick to sexy babydolls, fluffy handcuffs and other sexy-but-not-too-heavy pressies. If you've been together for a month or two and are having high-octane sex at every opportunity, delight him with something a bit more hardcore: latex crotchless panties or a vibrator that you can use together.

Five great ideas:

Plaster Mould a Willy Kit
A man's best friend is his willy, and if you give him this for Christmas he'll know you worship his prized organ. One heck of a lot more fun than watching The Queen's speech.

Condomi Flavoured Condoms Bargain Pack
Men are always moaning that girls never buy the condoms. So here's 100 of them. See his face light up!

Playful Promises Penelope Cami Set
You're not meant to wrap this one up. Just so you know...

Astroglide Warming Liquid Lube

Mantric DinkyRing Vibrating Cock Ring

For Your Long-term Lover

It's a cliché that sex can tail off once you have kids or shack up, and the rotten thing about clichés is that they're usually true. There are all sorts of biological and practical reasons why those first frenzied months of wall-to-wall and up-the-wall lust fade into something more, well, boring. Don't feel guilty about it – it's life.

The best marriages have a lot more going for them than 24/7 shagging, but even the most settled of us still have a randy devil inside. And the great news is that the love, trust, experience and kitchen worktop that come with long-term relationships can make sex hotter than ever.

Even better, now's the stage in your relationship when you can really push the boat out with seriously naughty gifts. You know your long-term partner's likes and dislikes, maybe even better than they do – and just as important, you know their sense of humour. So this is the ideal time to fill their stocking with some toys and treats that'll give you both a laugh and a buzz.

One note of caution: much as you wish your other half would get a lesson in oral sex, now is not the time to be dropping hints that he or she is crap in bed. Steer clear of sex manuals and stuff like delay spray unless you know your partner will get the joke, or your Boxing Day may be a bit less saucy than you'd hoped.

Five great ideas for your true love: