• No sex toy works on her (yet). Suggestions please?

    1401115264
    Mr Frustration [sign in to see picture]
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    Some of you will have seen my previous post on the sheer frustration I have with my wife, who is unable to feel anything, no matter what I do with her clitoris. The last advice I had was get her reading some erotic fiction (she refuses to read the book I got her, ).

    This morning we tried a Tracey Cox cock ring that was about as useful as chocolate teapot. We've used Lovehoney's little vibrator (has some effects but she hates the noise) and a Rabbit (utterly useless). Other vibrators have come and gone - no results.

    Do any of you have experience of any clitoral sex toy that is guaranteed to get a result? I mean - one you have used and gone from a dead unresponsive clitoris to a raging orgasm? 

    LoveHoney staff: might you suggest something? 

    Let me get this clear: some grotty little cheapo Chinese vibrating wibblywobbly isn't going to work. I need to try something that will without a shred of doubt seriously stimulate the clitoris and area, that will be guaranteed to work swiftly and effectively, and which does not look like something out of an operating theatre. 

    In hope and thank you for your help and support!

    Utterly frustrated hubby.

    1401115427
    Lollipop ;) [sign in to see picture]
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    100% it has to be the lovehoney magic wand, it's like the stronges vibrator in the world.

    1401115580
    Lollipop ;) [sign in to see picture]
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    Here's the link for it http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=20464

    Hope that helps you out and good luck! :)

    1401116780
    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi MrF. I have read you post with great interest and concern. I don't think know this is a physical thing. I am sorry but just looking for a magic wand cure( no pun intended and not under mining the lovely lollipops idea) is the issue. 

    If you have read my posts on my ohs issues, it has taken me years of undoing what her mother had told her was dirty and just relax ,enjoy what her body is giving her. Sexual psychology can have a huge impact on people's sex life's. For me finding what is holding her back is more important.Parenting, religion, and bad experiences just to name a few can shut down some people to this degree.

    I wish you all the best. She is a lucky lady to have you and keep trying. If and when the breakthrough comes it will be amazing for you both.

    1401118174
    Strange Days [sign in to see picture]
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    The most powerful wand - alledgedly - is the Doxy - http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=28657

    After that..... the Sybian.

    1401118629
    Lovehoney - Stephanie [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Mr Frustration,

    Having followed your story a little I have to agree with Gentle giant. As Lollipop says, the Magic Wand is the absolute strongest/best thing we've got, but if it's a psychological block rather than just a physical need for super strong vibrations then it won't have any effect whatsoever, I'm afraid. You're fighting an incredibly difficult battle and you have my utmost admiration for trying so hard!

    Does your wife ever play with herself when you're not there? Has she said why she won't read the book you bought her? Have you tried looking on Lovehoney with her to find something that she might be interested in? 

    You said "Lovehoney's little vibrator" had an effect, so that seems like a huge breakthrough! If she didn't like the sound perhaps try some music or white noise in the background? Or go for a quieter vibrator. Which little vibrator are you referring to?

    Perhaps sensual massage is a good route to go down. If you want to give her physical pleasure you might have to take that enjoyment from giving her a nice massage and being close in that way until she is ready to move on. The more you focus on sex and the more she feels like she is disappointing you by not being able to feel clitoral stimulation, the stronger her mental block against it will become, unfortunately.

    Unfortunately I don't think that a stronger vibrator is the way to fix your problem. Even if she suddenly finds herself in the right place emotionally to receive clitoral stimulation, blasting her with something really strong is more likely to numb her clitoris physically than be enjoyable.

    1401123702
    myghost [sign in to see picture]
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    If your wife has a psychological issue regarding her inability to achieve pleasure have you considered seeing a sex therapist since use of a vibrator had some effect an orgasm should be achievable neither you or your wife should put any pressure on trying to achieve sensation in the clitoris that will just make things worse 

    1401126343
    kayliixx [sign in to see picture]
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    I have to say I agree with gentle giant. I used to find it really hard to reach orgasm through any sort of play and hated clitoral play. It was a complete mental block due to my families religious beliefs (even though I don't follow them, grew up with it) and some nasty experiences in the past.

    It just takes time to break down those barriers. Your OH is very lucky to have a partner who is willing to try so hard to help her. But I genuinely.think it is a mental block as she wont read the book and also the vibrator had some affect but she hates the noise. Stephanie is right in saying try some background music but you also have to consider is the noise a turn off for her or just an excuse not to use the toy again. Try taking the emphasis off of the toys and play about with other senses, use massages and lubes with different affects such as warming tingling etc.

    I hope something works for you but I can tell you it took me a long time to overcome my barriers, now I dont think twice and go with the flow. Good luck x

    1401131861
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I wrote it in your last post when you asked this and I will write it again...this screams emotional not physical and you are unfortunately focusing on the wrong thing to "cure"

    Admittedly, I can understand why you overlooked the pyschological advice given last time and focused on how to physically improve the situation - because like I said in my last post, you cannot fix this if it is a psychological issue, only she can...so it makes sense to ignore that and try bigger/harder/faster to get her "clit to work"

    Unfortunately, I still think this is psychological and has little to do with the sensitivity of her clit. 

    Put it this way - I can orgasm from the softest tongue going slowly as slow can be. I can also orgasm from big, powerful vibes like the Doxy or Lovehoney Wand, but I cannot orgasm from ANYTHING if my mind is not in the mood. Simple. This is how us women are. If we have a mental block...forget about it. You could hold the most powerful vibe imaginable against our clits and all it will do is vaguely annoy the shit out of us. Ask any woman if this is true. It applies to a vast majority of us.

    As I said in my last post to you, I think she may benefit from therapy, but she has to want to go, or see a problem herself.

    Sorry I do not have better news. :S

    Edit: If you must try a vibe, that is reasonably quiet and extremely powerful, but not overly large and scary - I recommend the We-Vibe Tango. Don't let its small size fool you! There is no guarantee with any sex toy and some that blow some womens minds, fail massively for others. (because we are all different)

    But in all honesty, I think you might be barking up the wrong tree.

    Good luck

    1401132498
    Haras75 [sign in to see picture]
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    To be honest I am not massively aroused by vibrating clit toys and can't orgasm with them alone  ,I personally prefer oral or a good  rub with a silicone dildo !!

    1401138440
    Mr Frustration [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi folks and thanks for the helpful replies!

    I think I need to emphasis that we tried to address the psychology: we went through 6 months of sex therapy and come out the other side little better than when we went in. The sex therapy should have helped her a lot on that but I don't feel it has. She is rather phobic to genitals, too which the therapy just failed to address (therefore forget oral). Thanks Lollipop, I know about the magic wand but with her 'issues' I think it's a bit over sized. We've done massage until, frankly I'm bored of it. And used tingly lotions (absolutely no effect).

    Stephanie thanks - no she does not play with herself. I think because she's never experienced any real sensations she has no motivation. The vibe was Lovehoney's "Pocket Vibrator" now discontinued. I have absolutely no idea why the book l got is gathering dust.

    There's a complete disconnect between her skin and mind. Nipples, skin, genitals, all give no sensual or sexual reaction. It's like her nerves are cut. Hence the 'strongest vibrations / most effective toy' thought.

    I'm wondering if she has nerve damage, so suggested she has a look in at the chiropractor. I know she has had some issues with her lower back. Hence another reason for strong vibrations.

    Thanks all.

    1401142846
    naughty mum [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you spoken to her gp ?
    Yes the mind is v important to get in the mood etc... But there could be a physical issue. There are a lot of medical conditions that lower your libido... Diabetes, thyroid depression are a few... Remember sex is improved when you are bouncing around with the right hormones. Testosterone is just as important to us women for our sex drive as does oestrogen... If not more.
    If she is on the pill... It could affect sex drive too.
    I am sure part of my return to having a sex drive is related to me no longer having my contraception implant. The hysterectomy I had I thought would drop my libido more... Wrong!!😎
    Sex with my ex was at best unsatisfying, at worst a real turn off.I was also v v depressed with my ex...
    I suspect you may have already tried this avenue... It looks like it could be a far more important and difficult issue than just finding the right toy.
    Go.. And I hope you find a solution soon for both of you

    1401143198
    naughty mum [sign in to see picture]
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    http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Goodsex/Pages/Femalesexualdysfunction.aspx
    Is a starting point.. Which covers some of the possible physical reasons.
    Remember a physical reason could make her in a endless self feeding loop... Lower libido... More anxious to perform... Lower libido... Makes her worry, gets
    Her down.. Affects health... And again could affect libido... A vicious cycle

    1401143589
    Mr Frustration [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Naughty Mum. Yes, she's had blood tests at GP - came back normal. Too ancient to be on the pill    Read just about everything on the Internet and some beyond.

    I'm sorry to say this is a much deeper, tougher issue than the NHS page can cope with.

    1401144612
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Mr Frustration wrote:

    Hi folks and thanks for the helpful replies!

    I think I need to emphasis that we tried to address the psychology: we went through 6 months of sex therapy and come out the other side little better than when we went in. The sex therapy should have helped her a lot on that but I don't feel it has. She is rather phobic to genitals, too which the therapy just failed to address (therefore forget oral). Thanks Lollipop, I know about the magic wand but with her 'issues' I think it's a bit over sized. We've done massage until, frankly I'm bored of it. And used tingly lotions (absolutely no effect).

    Stephanie thanks - no she does not play with herself. I think because she's never experienced any real sensations she has no motivation. The vibe was Lovehoney's "Pocket Vibrator" now discontinued. I have absolutely no idea why the book l got is gathering dust.

    There's a complete disconnect between her skin and mind. Nipples, skin, genitals, all give no sensual or sexual reaction. It's like her nerves are cut. Hence the 'strongest vibrations / most effective toy' thought.

    I'm wondering if she has nerve damage, so suggested she has a look in at the chiropractor. I know she has had some issues with her lower back. Hence another reason for strong vibrations.

    Thanks all.

    I don't want to bum you out, but have you ever suffered with a pyschological trauma? If so, did you manage to get it cured with 6 months treatment?

    Unfortunately, pyschological issues are among the hardest to "cure" I speak from experience as someone suffering PTSD. I have had therapy for 2 years total (Split into 6 month periods of time so 4 years) and I am only marginally better than when I started. The mind is so complex that I think unless you suffer severe phobias etc, it is hard to understand why someone is not cured after a period of treatment. 

    The truth is that most sexual dysfunction in women is caused by psychological issues and the percentages, (Out of normal stuff ) compared to physical causes, is high. I personally believe if she had severe enough nerve damage to not feel anything in her clitoris, nipples and vagina...she would also be showing a LOT more other symptoms of nerve damage. Severe pain, tingling, numness in other areas, bowel problems and much more.

    The fact that you say she has a massive phobia of her genitals honestly...this is so obviously (no?) still the cause. It is difficult to become aroused, relaxed and reach orgasm when you are experiencing panic attacks and terror. 

    Sorry I know you don't wanna hear this, but that's my opinion and I think you may make it worse by suggesting she go figure out what is "wrong" with her by recommending appts with this doctor, that doctor and any other doctor who wants to poke, prod and work out why this lady "isn't working as expected" I think she needs to see a sex positive therapist who specialises in this kind of phobia around sex or intimacy and who can help slowly and kindly work with her through her issues. (Which could take years and years and even then, might never be "fixed") I think this because it worked before! Okay, only marginally...but that is a HUGE step for someone suffering these issues. Trauma work really takes a long time. 

    I wish you both luck. x

    1401144701
    naughty mum [sign in to see picture]
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    May be worth going back...hormones Are controlled by more than just as thyroid or ovaries... An imbalance will only be picked up if the rightbblood test is done... Ask for a tsh test for thyroid imbalance.
    A blood test can vary over time.so repeating them is still worth it.

    The emotional dissasosiation could be a secondary response not primary... But one could feed the other.
    I get it from this and other threads that you and your wife are probably late 40z to 50s. Menopause could explain a downturn in sex drive... But I would suspect that is a minor cause here... Has she had any kids BTW... And it it possible she experiences pain with sex, And then has learnt a response to avoid/ not feel it.

    I feel for you... At least you are doing your best to help her have a rewarding sexllife...there are many out there that don't care two hoots about it.
    I salute you for your dedication and devotion to your wife and to make her happy too

    1401144833
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Psychological....why do I always mistype that word! lol Grrr!

    1401145145
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Lovehoney - Stephanie wrote:

    Hi Mr Frustration,

    Having followed your story a little I have to agree with Gentle giant. As Lollipop says, the Magic Wand is the absolute strongest/best thing we've got, but if it's a psychological block rather than just a physical need for super strong vibrations then it won't have any effect whatsoever, I'm afraid. You're fighting an incredibly difficult battle and you have my utmost admiration for trying so hard!

    Does your wife ever play with herself when you're not there? Has she said why she won't read the book you bought her? Have you tried looking on Lovehoney with her to find something that she might be interested in? 

    You said "Lovehoney's little vibrator" had an effect, so that seems like a huge breakthrough! If she didn't like the sound perhaps try some music or white noise in the background? Or go for a quieter vibrator. Which little vibrator are you referring to?

    Perhaps sensual massage is a good route to go down. If you want to give her physical pleasure you might have to take that enjoyment from giving her a nice massage and being close in that way until she is ready to move on. The more you focus on sex and the more she feels like she is disappointing you by not being able to feel clitoral stimulation, the stronger her mental block against it will become, unfortunately.

    Unfortunately I don't think that a stronger vibrator is the way to fix your problem. Even if she suddenly finds herself in the right place emotionally to receive clitoral stimulation, blasting her with something really strong is more likely to numb her clitoris physically than be enjoyable.

    This happened to me! For about a year I could not orgasm because I knew every time I did not orgasm he felt like he had failed and that made me feel like a failure and it built up into a massive mental block that basically just cut off my arousal before it even started, because "why start if we both end up disappointed and upset" 

    It took some time to work my way out of that one! :S (I knew I could orgasm - I did when alone. It was the pressure) This is just how easy it is to build up such a mental block. I imagine the block could be so much more severe if phobias and any traumatic incidents or beliefs are also involved. I wish I had an answer!

    1401145430
    Mr Frustration [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you - very kind replies. We're 55 and with kids and we do actually have a kind of limited but functional sex life (it works.) I just wish I could bring her the joy she brings me. She does not have any downturn in drive - just a kind of walled-off uninvolved approach. No pain. We've done therapy to death - I don't trust another therapist to muck up things further. The one we had was a disaster. Sigh.

    Maybe I'll call it quits. I've ordered a couple of Lovehoney goodies to add to the small collection. I'll keep you posted.

    Thank you for your kind help - I really do appreciate every reply.

    1401145962
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Such a shame. You really are such a wonderful person to stand by her and try to help her in any way you can. I wish I had an answer and I am always one to recommend sex toys to the masses, but in everything you have said, I agree with Stephanie and think it will have very limited success. Her mind is not connecting with her pleasure and it is such a shame. 

    Let me tell you something...This may not apply to all women, but I for sure have the ability to control my sexual pleasure with my mind. Once (and I cannot remember why I was doing this) I used my most powerful wand vibe but was determined not to enjoy it (I think I was pissed at my ex and could not be arsed playing that night or something) anyway, with the most powerful wand on my clit, I felt NOTHING...not even a pang of arousal. Yet a few days later I could orgasm no problem from the lightest brush of a tongue. Yep, unfortunately sexual arousal can often (but not always) be controlled with the mind and if fears, phobias or bad feelings make her feel like she should not enjoy that touch, then not much will work unless the mindset is changed. As a side note, it is also entirely possible for some people to orgasm in situations when fear, even terror, is present. The human mind is a complex thing!

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