• Why should I even need toys when I have a boyfriend ?! My relationship is so boring please read on!

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    Mysterious-blue-eyed-lady [sign in to see picture]
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    So I have been with my partner (my 2 yr old sons dad ) just for 4 years were not married or even engaged yet ! I have a 6 year old girl aswell but besides having kids even If there is time to have a sneaky sex session he dosent even try it on with me ?! He would rather watch porn behind my back on his phone and sneakily wank! Leaving me feeling unloved and very quite horny! So I have no options than to buy sex toys I get more affection and pleasure from a toy than him! I'm an attractive medium build 5ft 5.5 girl who's 24 so what's wrong with me or him? He's only 27 so I know he has 100% sex drive we used to be at it like rabbits but now he dosent even kiss me never mind come onto me I know he's not having no affair or anything like that ? He also ejaculates as soon as he puts it inside me when we do have sex occasionally but he never uses to cum so quick in the past .. Please no horrible messages back just want honest opinions and if anybody else's relationship is this way ???? Thanks xxx

    1471469059
    Grumpygit87 [sign in to see picture]
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    He is probably not having as much sex with you because he is ashamed of the fact he cums too early , I would take time reconnecting massages that sort of thing and make sure you reassure him it's not a issue that he is too quick when he feels comfortable and bit more relaxed he may be able to last longer then feel better about himself and not so judged

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Firstly, Hi and welcome to the forums xx

    Don't worry.....no one here would ever dream of giving you a 'horrible' reply ☺

    It's very difficult when you have young children around. Could a relative or friend have them for a night occasionally? Then the 2 of you could spend some quality time together. A meal out perhaps.....just enjoying each other's company. A relationship isn't just about sex but I do appreciate it's an important part. Buy some sexy ingerie to wear for your evening out and a nice bottle of massage oil. When you get home strip off and give a relaxing massage, have a glass of wine each etc. My guess is that your both quite busy working, being parents etc.

    If he's cumming really quickly he may be embarrassed and worried that hes not satisfying you. Using massaging etc will help him to relax and hopefully he won't feel pressured, which in turn will help him to last longer.

    I don't think it sounds as though either of you have done anything wrong as such.....you've just forgotten to make time for each other xx

    1471469273
    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
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    It seems like your boyfriend may have a porn addiction. My husband was an addict and we have been through counselling, he now helps other addicts.

    It can be really difficult for the partner, in fact we get the worst of it. How often does he watch porn and masturbate? My husbands addiction started when I was pregnant with our second child, I didn't feel sexy and didn't want sex so he turned to porn. Eventually he got so used to himself he didn't want sex anymore. I had a period of not wanting sex previously but for different reasons.

    SAA have a great program available in certain areas, a program he can do himself similar to AA or they can even skype meetings these days!

    1471469319
    bex1213 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey there. Don't worry. No one here would offer horrible messages. Just advice which can be hard to hear sometimes.

    First of all, sex toys and sex with a partner aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. A lot of people enjoy using toys while having an active sex life, myself included, so don't feel bad for feeling the urge to use them. Have you spoken to him about how this makes you feel? A lot of the time we end up accusing our partners and yelling at them when we're at our wits end with the frustration rather than sitting them down and calmly explaining how their actions, or lack there of, are specifically hurting us. I suggest you do that with your partner.

    There could be something going on with him that has impacted his sex drive that he hasn't shared with you. Sometimes stress from work, performance anxiety, or taking care of kids can really impact how we feel sexually. It probably isn't about how attractive he finds you, but rather his own issues at the moment. He may have no idea that you think there's anything wrong between you. Communication is the only way to get through to him.

    The porn thing is a bit rude if he knows how much it bothers you. Again, all you can do is confront him about it calmly and let him know that he's making you feel bad.

    This happens to a lot of couples, particularly after having children, so be assured that you are not alone. Nothing is wrong with either of you. Just talk it through see what he says before you make another move. Good luck!x

    1471469332
    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello mysteriouse-blue-eyes,

    Firstly and rather obviously you need to talk to him about it. If he tries to avoid the conversation, corner him when he is in the bath, he can't run off then. Tell him you want to get your relationship back on track in terms of affection and private time. Maybe suggest date night, it could just be a DVD and a bowl of popcorn curled on the sofa together, to start with. It sounds like you need to rekindle your relationship as a couple.

    If that's not going to work, and shock tactics are in order, why not order a porn DVD or get a porn mag and suggest you look at it together. Offer to give him a hand job or blow job, this way you get involved in his masterbation and he begins to think of you in a sexual way too. But don't forget give and take, and if he is reluctant to repay the pleasure, put his hand between your legs, it's an obviouse hint but sometimes needed.

    The reason for his fast finish I think is due to too much masterbation with a tight grip, which is why you giving the hand job might be a step towoards fixing this. A cock ring for sex might help. But ultimately you need to talk about things. Would he not use your toys on you? Get him excited pleasuring you. Remind him how much pleasure you two use to have together.

    I hope this helps, sorry it's a bit wordy.

    1471469643
    Banannabelsplit [sign in to see picture]
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    It's very possible he could have a porn addiction and be dependent on porn to get off. My boyfriend had this and he had trouble maintaining an erection when we first started having sex.

    I'd recommend some kind of rebooting process. If you don't know, rebooting is basically when someone abstains from porn to improve their sex life. This website is very helpful:

    http://yourbrainonporn.com/reboot_your_brain

    1471470421
    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there,

    First thing first - have you spoken about this with him? He could well be feeling anxious about premature ejaculation and this could be a reason why he doesn't approach you, even for a kiss, because he is worried he will have to have sex.
    Secondly - as you have said he has a healthy sex drive and he uses porn to sort himself out. This is a quick fix for him without worrying about performance issues.
    Thirdly - there is nothing wrong with you. I am sure he really fancies you too and he doesn't want to disappoint you. So he chooses not to have sex with you then in his eyes you won't be upset.
    Lastly - if he is sorting himself out a lot then all his energy will be spent.
    Men do find it extremely difficult to talk about their fears particularly regarding performance issues as they are stereo-typed to be the man and always be ready for action. In reality this isn't the case.
    What I would advise is to have a nice calm chat over a meal or something. Without interruptions or distractions from your kids, tv and phones etc. You need to tell him how you feel calmly and give him time to voice his concerns. He could well act defensively to protect his ego to begin with so take it slow.
    I know how you feel and how you can question if there is something wrong with you. (Been there, done that, bought the T shirt). I am now very happy but it took a lot of communication.
    I hope this helps a bit xxx

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    Mysterious-blue-eyed-lady [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi thanks for all the good replies and tactics to getting our relationship back on track I have tried many of times that porn bothers me I have never caught him watching porn but I knew he did it because he would run straight to bathroom stay in their ages and also take his mobile into the bathroom wich was strange ! Then he said he will ring up vodaphone to get a block on dirty websights wich he did. But he still wanks because I see baby wipes left in the toilet with cum on them ? He works long hours in a gas company and I work also plus deal with the children but he's not a man to be confronted or I can never have a serious conversation with him I just don't get it he has face on with me for days and gets grumpy if I try to bring our issues up he sees it as me 'having a go at him again' he has a short fuse and I never try it on with him ever or ever ask him for sex because when we do argue he says I am fat and ugly and Boring so I really don't like my body after having my 2nd child and I just believe every word he says . I know if I did make the first move he would be willing to give me sex but I am really shy under the cover lights of kind of girl! When we first got together he did cum quick then but carries on with sex but now I think he's too tired to Carry on after he cums ? But I just really feel fed up and I feel I want to be with a man who loves me and appreciates me and my body If that makes sense xxx

    1471470845
    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    Me and my OH have had a similar problem.

    I'm pretty certain hes had alot of solo time in the shower or when i have been at work which has been totally fine, except we hardly had sex. Over the last year my sex drive has sky rocketed whereas his has dwindled and dwindled, to the point where I confronted him on holiday. I think there's something else going on in all fairness, but he has said he's felt a bit intimidated by my ever growing toy collection. He feels as though I prefer them to actually having sex. But I respond with what am I supposed to do? I have needs but they aren't exactly being fulfilled at present. We are still working on it but I'm really struggling with it as I've felt like he's no longer attracted to me.

    The only thing you can do is talk to him and ask what's going on. Communication is key. Dont let him back out and avoid the question!

    1471471112
    Mysterious-blue-eyed-lady [sign in to see picture]
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    I just wish I wasent a shy person I wish I could jump on him and rip his clothes off without feeling like a silly twat lol but I do feel overly embarrassed to hint to him I want sex ! Why would I be like that after 4 years of living with him :/ ! He must find me boring and would rather wank because it's probably easier than trying to get sex out of me he's probably gave up being the one who allways the first to try it on .. Btw I wouldent mind him wanking so much if our sex life was better but I think I'm more the reason aswell !?? Xxx

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    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't believe any word he says about being fat or ugly. He's being cruel and a bully. It's pretty much abuse. After babies our bodies change, hips widen tummys wobble and instead of feeling ashamed you should be proud. You grew 2 little humans in there! Its not an easy task to do.

    Has he always been this way or is it more recent? His grumpiness that is. My husband got more and more detached and left st his temper at the slightest of things. After his rehab he is like he used to be all those years ago.

    Now, I'm gonna sound a bit mean here and you're allowed to tell me to shush and not answer but do you still love him?

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    Mysterious-blue-eyed-lady [sign in to see picture]
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    I do love him and all I did was beg him bag when he was mean and left us for weeks on our own I felt like my world was ending and I Couldent cope alone but the more and more he does it the less I give a fuck about him leaving me and the kids he loves me to chase him and I've had enough of the chasing I wana be chased now . When things are great between us there really great but 99% he is very short fused and grumpy and makes me feel like nothing is ever good enough that I do ! But I do love him to bits and I think world of him I gave him his first child and I think he found it tough wen a first time dad he just looses his temper a lot and has the face on he never smiles or hardly happy and dosent cuddle kiss or do anything with me xxx

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    Banannabelsplit [sign in to see picture]
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    It sounds like you're in an abusive relationship. And since you have young children, this puts you in a difficult situation. Leaving is much easier said than done.

    Rebooting worked for my boyfriend because he wanted it to work. They say you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and your partner clearly doesn't want to be helped. If an opportunity to leave arrises, grab it.

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    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
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    One thing that happens with addiction, if it is porn addiction, is that emotions are often cut out completely. Although the addict may still love you they have "forgotten" how to show affection. They compare you to the stars of the blue screen and it is IMPOSSIBLE to live up to those standards. But as Banannabelsplit said he CAN reboot if he wants. Porn addiction is being seen more and more places offer help.

    I mentioned Relate in a previous thread, they are an excellent counselling service. Tell him you would like to go to counselling, you can get every problem off your chest with a trained therapist who will not take sides. It really helps. We still see our therapist 4 times a year, she's like our comfort blanket.

    It wont be easy. You have to want this relationship to work as must he.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You have got some good advice here, I can't add, anything as I have no experience of porn adiction, which this maybe, or a simptom of something else in it's self. Abuse needs addressing, physical or mental, regardless of whether or not it's within a relationship, and often it just esculates without intervention. You have seen where it can lead, on the other thread, you maybe not there yet, but you are not in a good situation, plus children.

    Someone how loves you doesn't do such things, unless there is something like porn adiction, or they are just abusive by nature. talk to your GP without speaking to your OH, get some support, let others know your situation, so they can keep an eye on you, and you don't become issolated, from help; which is what they can decide to do to keep you. and then try to confront him with his behaviour if you feel safe to do so, but don't keep hanging on thinking things will change on there own, that is unlikely to happen. He need help and as, has been said he needs to acknowlege, he has some kind of problem, just like an alchoholic does. If that is his problem' if it's not you still need to know why is being like this.

    Get help please. xx

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    Batgirl200 [sign in to see picture]
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    RosyCheek wrote:

    One thing that happens with addiction, if it is porn addiction, is that emotions are often cut out completely. Although the addict may still love you they have "forgotten" how to show affection. They compare you to the stars of the blue screen and it is IMPOSSIBLE to live up to those standards. But as Banannabelsplit said he CAN reboot if he wants. Porn addiction is being seen more and more places offer help.

    My ex partner had a serious porn addiction, he behaved as rosy cheek said, no emotions or affection between us, he wasn't abusive but he was hurting me emotionally and psychologically. Because of him I ended up going into a deep and dark place in my life, never feeling good enough for him and feeling inadequate to something I knew I couldn't compete with especially as he wouldn't even try. I confronted my ex several time about his porn addiction the first time he ignored me, the second he said he doesn't watch it anymore and denied it, i knew he was lying especially after using his computer one day to type into the search bar and the drop down box was filled with Web addresses of numerous porn sites...I confronted him and he got real mad, accused me of spying on him and all sorts but that wasn't the case, i was innocently using his pc but he ended up passwording his pc and never leaving it unattended and we had several big arguments. finally when we just stopped having sex altogether i confronted him again about his addiction saying it was clearly a problem and we should seek help for it, he got mad really mad and took his anger out on stuff rather than me but that was enough, with no affection and no sexy time I decided enough was enough I'd suffered for long enough in a relationship that wasn't what it used to be and made me feel so terrible. I gave him an ultimatum in the end, me or the porn...and he chose the porn, he wouldn't get help and still denied a problem, so I left him to it. No matter what I'd try he'd ignore me or my advances and after 7 years it was tough to leave him as part of me still loved him but I wasn't happy and he'd put me in a very dark place refusing to get help or to let me try and help him. That was over two years ago now, I'm in a much more happy and fulfilling relationship now and my partner probably does watch porn, but it's not a problem because our sex life is very fulfilling, and I get all the emotional aspects i need and we are very affectionate towards eachother, everything I was missing out on from my last relationship. My partner helped me out of my dark place and showed me once again that I am a sexy, confident woman who should flaunt what I have. So I kind of know how you're feeling about having to face a partner who is difficult and won't seek help or talk to you about his issues. It was easier for me to leave my ex because I had no ties to him like you do with your children but honestly, no matter how hard it is you need to do what's best for you and your children and not worry about the short term consequences, think about the long term. The only thing that matters is you and how you feel and by the sounds of it you need to find someone who appreciates the sexy woman you are and fulfills all of your womanly urges, you deserve to be given the love and respect you deserve, you deserve to be happy in life and if this partner is not making you happy and you've tried everything then you need to leave him and find your Mr right.
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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    The guys have given you plenty of advice and so can't really add much.

    Perhaps you should comfront him but in a nice way . Whilst its not our cup of tea , you could suggest that you watch the porn together and perhaps even role play one of the scenes. Something like that could just trigger that spark again.

    As regards kids , the best way is to get a bolt lock for your bedroom door to give you that bit of privacy. And perhaps teach them good manners in knocking on the door if they need something .

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    RosyCheek [sign in to see picture]
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    Batgirl, what a brave lass you are. I have to say a massive well done to you! Walking away from someone you love is one of the hardest things you can do. I'm glad you found someone who appreciates you. I just really had to tell you what a strong person you are and for that you have my up most respect.

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    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    Read more posts from you, leave if he's cling you fat ect now, it will only get worse. He sounds hell to live with my ex was like this waisted 16 years on him, today even though no sex life I am loved and appreacted. Hugs.

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