• D/s & Pain

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    Liquidsugar [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been reading through a few threads on the forum and have seen 'Dom / sub play' used interchangably with 'pain play'.

    I just wondered what your thoughts are on this, as personally I see them as very distinct categories. After all, there is so many ways to dominate someone without pain!

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    smirnoff09 [sign in to see picture]
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    I guess it is up to each couple to decide how much pain is actually painful...

    For some pain threshold could be low so steer cler others hugher so indulge more..

    Not really an answer but i guess there is such a wide spectrum of "what is painful" and "what is pleasurable"

    For us soemtimes there is an aspect of painful pleasure, other times there is nothing and that is just as fantastic..

    Things like when we are out of dinner and i won't eat until he gives me the look, or he will choose what i will wear, being dominated has bought me so much more choice and opened my world as I have tried things I never thought I would like, wear things I would not have had the courage to wear, and have this knowledge there is someone fantasic who is there for me. Everything he has me doing is ultimatly for my own benefit.

    Hope this answers your question a little bit.

    1396746211
    Liquidsugar [sign in to see picture]
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    smirnoff09 wrote:

    I guess it is up to each couple to decide how much pain is actually painful...

    For some pain threshold could be low so steer cler others hugher so indulge more..

    Not really an answer but i guess there is such a wide spectrum of "what is painful" and "what is pleasurable"

    For us soemtimes there is an aspect of painful pleasure, other times there is nothing and that is just as fantastic..

    Things like when we are out of dinner and i won't eat until he gives me the look, or he will choose what i will wear, being dominated has bought me so much more choice and opened my world as I have tried things I never thought I would like, wear things I would not have had the courage to wear, and have this knowledge there is someone fantasic who is there for me. Everything he has me doing is ultimatly for my own benefit.

    Hope this answers your question a little bit.

    I wasn't really meaning a pain thresholds.

    I was more referring to the kind of domination you talk about in the last half of your post, and how it's so different to the 'pain' side of things.

    I guess I'm more interested in why people tend to think that D/s always involves pain.

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    smirnoff09 [sign in to see picture]
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    I know some people who think it has to and others like myself who see it as far more than that...

    I cn only tlk from my experince really and for me it is about subitting myself to another person.

    I never sw myself s submissive person in fact quiet the opposite. I have a responbile job with a fair bit of authority, I was a single mum for 7 years.

    Then 5 years ago I met a mn who turned my world upside down, he hs this quiet authortian aspect to him and I fell for it hook line and sinker..

    If anyone had said to me I would allow a to man to choose clothes for me, or choose what I will eat, whom I would submit to I would have rolled on the floor in laughter.

    I know I am stronger, more confident, more willing to try new things even take risks becuse I have a husband who is always thinking about my needs, helping me to go that extra bit further, really brekdown the barriers I out up to protect myself I guess but in fact they stopped me doing so much stuff.

    I have choice if i really do not want to do something and at times I have not done soemthing but it is later I have regretted not doing it.

    It is odd as when I talk about this to friends it is all about 50 shades and they worry I am being subjected to pain and missery.

    I knew very little about this lifestyle but I now have firends who are in similar relationships nd i feel that is important.

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    Lady Ness [sign in to see picture]
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    PEople exspect a lot from taboos. Don / sub and kink is already a taboo which is differicult for many to get their head around, but when they mix it with other taboos, they find it easier to talk about.

    Such as mixing BDSM with sex, the taboo of BDSM can become easier to talk about is sex is involved for some, as sex is a more openly talked about topic when compared to BDSM. However a lot of BDSM relationships involve no sex, such as the ones with my clients.

    I feel pain is similar, as causing pain is a taboo but easier to understand, people find it easier to talk about BDSM when it is linked in with it. Although, as stated, pain isn't always involved, and what pain may be to one person may be pleasure. Plus the pain part isn't all about the bodily sensations but the mental. Some love how they are controlled, others like testing their body, and then their are some who like the humilation side to it.

    While I'm am extremly sadistic, I understand that their is some pain that one must avoid, to make sure that some parties are safe. Also I find that to act out sadism you have to have a lot of care and kindness emotionally, as a big part of it is trust and safty. Basically what I'm saying is the pain side isn't really as simple as one may think.

    Also complete power exchange is something many don't understand as really the submissive has to have power to hand that control over. It's not forced. Even when I do consenual non-consenual play, I only go as far as the submissive will allow to hand over, as it's important for them and myself psychologically.

    Now there are a few cases where things are completely different. Such as my full time sub, I own everything about him, from money, how he works, lives, ect. I can push him further, but the connection between us is so strong, that he even knows I won't push him to the point of no return. He's actually extremely happy, always bouncing around so gleefully about having me as his owner and with me being in so much control. I also respect that he has free will, and actually enjoy when he challenges my orders, although I still expect him to complete them. But it wouldn't be any fun if he was a yes man.

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    I have no idea why people presume that D/s relationships involve pain 100% of the time, but everyone is different. One D/s relationship could be all about pain, and another could just be about the mentality of if. Every person is different, and every couple even more different, so they could be 100% correct if they're talking about a certain person.

    I suppose it's just down to where they have sourced their information, after all it's not a subject that everyone has a lot of knowledge on. If they have read BDSM books that are focused completely on pain, or maybe they know someone who's D/s relationship focuses on pain primarily, then that would make them think that's what D/s is all about.

    Genrally, the majority of D/s relationships, as far as I'm concerned, do involve some aspects of pain, but obviously not all of them. The main issue about D/s relationships for me is the mentality and the 'loss of control', but pain is also a mild aspect of it too. It just depends who you are, what you like, what your partner is like etc. There's no rule book on how you're supposed to act in a D/s relationship, and I think it's a really personal thing that's tailored to two people, or maybe more! I think it's just what you make of it, everyone is too different to to just have it written in black and white.

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    Lady Ness [sign in to see picture]
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    While I agree with a lot of what you've said MrsMc, I feel that there has to be two rules which everyone in a D/s relationship and any relationship should follow.

    Safety and consent =) Sadly so many leave these aspects out, even in relationships which don't have a D/s dynamic.

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    That is very true, but I kind of just feel like that comes with any D/s relationship, but obviously some people might not understand how important it is.

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    Lady Ness [sign in to see picture]
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    Sadly it doesn't always, and it's a topic I've taught a few times now, and even within D/s focused groups many attending have little understanding. Plus it can confuse people that both those rules needed, must apply to both the sub and the Dom.

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    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Liquidsugar,

    I agree with Mrs Mcx – every D/s relationship is unique. You make up your own rules – everything can be tailored to your own desires and goals, that’s the wonderful thing about D/s.

    My personal thoughts are that Dom/sub ‘can’ be completely different to Sadomasochism, or they can cross over. It depends on the individuals involved – and importantly, if they receive pleasure ‘through’ pain.

    A D/s relationship constantly evolves; tastes can change & boundaries explored. As I said – there are no rules, and the pain aspect can be part of the experience or not.

    But there is so much more to D/s. It’s the voluntary exchange of power that’s important to me – the quiet authority, wanting to please, giving myself to my partner. I can get so turned on just being told to ‘wait in a certain location’ for Mr Scorpius. I don’t know what’s about to happen and that building of anticipation that is as exciting as the physical or mental challenges that may follow. We do not have a 24/7 D/s relationship, but a certain ‘look’ or a few quiet words can instantly get me into ‘Sub Mode’ lol!

    I totally agree with Ness & Mrs – whatever you do, it should be Safe, Sane & Consensual xxx

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    KinkyX2 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think that both forms of D/s can be used together, as is the case for myself and my OH. We are in a committed relationship (engaged) but we are also both submissive. We tried switching but it never really worked because neither of us was any good at being dominant.

    Cue the idea of bringing an 'outside party', as Delbert Grady so eloquently put it, into the equation, and now we have an enormously satisfying relationship in which we are both submissives to the same Dominant. This relationship combines pleasure with pain, manipulates us in our vanilla life as well as our sexual life, determines when we can and can't have sex and how we do it but also gets very rough and ready behind closed doors when it's time for the toys to come out.

    In the private setting, pain is used to great effect, though generally in a sense that if I don't behave then my OH takes the pain in punishment, and vice versa. It's amazing how motivating the desire not to see your OH tortured can be, especially when coupled with knowing that we'll be denied each other if we don't play nice.

    Some people are masochists of course, in which case pain can be used as a form of pleasure too. Others like the OH and I don't enjoy the pain, and so will go to great lengths to avoid it. It depends which heading the sub falls into, as to how pain can be best used if at all.

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    Liquidsugar [sign in to see picture]
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    I just burnt my hot cross bun reading the replies to this post!

    Thank you for the interest, it's interesting to hear from other perspectives because I love a BDSM and have been in all forms of relationships from a 24/7 to club play.

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    KinkyX2 [sign in to see picture]
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    Liquidsugar wrote:

    I just burnt my hot cross bun reading the replies to this post!

    That's the best post I've ever seen

    1396794402
    Liquidsugar [sign in to see picture]
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    KinkyX2 wrote:

    Liquidsugar wrote:

    I just burnt my hot cross bun reading the replies to this post!

    That's the best post I've ever seen

    :D I was actually gutted though.

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    KinkyX2 [sign in to see picture]
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    Liquidsugar wrote:

    KinkyX2 wrote:

    Liquidsugar wrote:

    I just burnt my hot cross bun reading the replies to this post!

    That's the best post I've ever seen

    :D I was actually gutted though.

    I bet it was the last one out of the packet too!

    1396794753
    Liquidsugar [sign in to see picture]
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    It wasn't, there was one more left, but that was for my OH's lunch - So it might as well have been the last!

    1396795568
    KinkyX2 [sign in to see picture]
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    Always the case when something like that happens!

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    D/s is seperate from pain play (in my mind anyway)

    Dominance and submission refer to the power exchange, that one person is dominant and the other submissive in the bedroom, or reelationship, but the way they play together and experience their dominance and submission is unique to each couple. I have a D/s relationship that does involve some physical pain, but that is only a small part of it and to be honest, is not the integral part. The largest part for us is the mental aspect, the "mind fuck" and I lean more towards this and sensual domination. I prefer to punish or play with him using words, putting ideas in his mind. I find it is a very powerful way to play. (As Scorps says, using a few choice words can have a very powerful affect) I dominate in this way so much more than I do using physical pain. I would prefer to cause any physical discomfort through teasing and slow tortururous pleasure, denial, more teasing and mind fucks.

    I believe that there are as many ways to dominate or submit, as there are people involved in power exchange relationships. There is no right way, only the way that works for you and your partner. (Like Ness says, as long as their is safety in mind and consent given from both parties.)

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    Liquidsugar [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree totally Fluff, that's how I see it too.

    Power exchange is great fun!

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Liquidsugar wrote:

    I agree totally Fluff, that's how I see it too.

    Power exchange is great fun!

    I think porn is a big "offender" for putting across the idea that domination equals rough sex at the very least...but usually pain. This happens in almost every BDSM style porno but when you think about it, its logical....People watch porn to watch a fantasy. Mind fucks, teasing and denial do not make for a 30 minute movie. These are the kind of things that happen over days, weeks, heck years and it can be subtle...so not a great story for a quick porn movie. I think that is one of the main reasons porn tends to focus on BDSM = pain....because it is the most visually striking and can be completed within that movie time.

    Maybe? Just a theory! lol

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