• Partner Not On The Same Page.

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Right, I hope I can explain this properly, apologies if it gets long, boring and whiney.

    I know we have seen lots of threads lately about partners who are reluctant to engage in toys/bondage etc. This isn't my problem, my husband is willing to do these things, but his attitude towards it all seems all wrong to me. I just don't think we have the same expectations and desires and it's starting to get me down.

    It has been a really big deal for me to admit to myself and hubby that a) I haven't been sexually satisfied for the last 10 years and b) what needs to change for me to be satisfied. I always just thought I was wired wrong, so couldn't achieve the levels of pleasure other people did, now I know I just wasn't getting what turned me on. I never once felt cross with my husband over my lack of orgasms, however, I am starting to see he could have put more effort in. I was so young and inexperienced when we met, I had no really frame of reference for what I needed to happen.

    All he ever said was tell me what you want, how could I when I didn't really know what I wanted. So now I am telling him, but his attitude seems all wrong. The best example I can think of is being tied up. I have told him I like this and why, he is happy to do it. But he doesn't seem to understand that I am still allowed to have my limits and that if he does certain things it will stop being enjoyable and I will just feel horrid. I specifically told him I didn't want anal play, however once I was tied up, he asked again about it, and when I said no, his reply of 'i don't think you're in a position to say no' really took the edge off the whole experience. I have tried explaining to him what it means to me to be tied up, and what i need form him to get the most out of it, but he doesn't seem to get it.

    I am also trying really hard to accomodate anal sex, which i do want to try for myself to, but it started out as doing it for him. He says he is willing to try things and he does, but only the easy things and the things he wants to do. He won't consider anything where he doesn't see the immediate benefit to him. Examples being, he won't kiss me after I've swallowed his cum, he sees no benefit in watching me pleasure myself, I have to pretty much beg to get longer foreplay. Even though the lack of foreplay was one of the key reasons for my lack of orgasms.

    It seems like for him unless its blowjobs and vaginal sex, its really not that interesting. He has virtually said as much to me and it's making me so sad.

    Don't get me wrong he is a good man and a good husband and has helped me through the worst times of my life. So if anyone is of the lifes to short, just ditch him opinion, that won't happen, I love him dearly. I just worry we are too different now I have discovered some of who I am sexually, I am fairly certain there is more to uncover.

    I feel awful complaining about this when I have so much going for me, and I know there are far worst problems to be had, probably because I've had worse before.

    Do I just need to suck it up and stop being such a baby about it? Accept that I am probably not going to get to experience certain things in the way I'd like and just make the most of what does happen.

    Or, is it worth trying to keep explaining to him in the hope that he one day feels differently about things?

    Not sure if I need advice, just to rant or for people to tell em I'm being ridiculous, so I suppose any thoughts are welcome.

    x

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    Alastor [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't know about being on the same page... More like you don't even share the same book.

    It seems you have been happy to help him attain his pleasure (and still are) but you would quite like some of that in return and he has never considered this relevant. Your new interests are taken on board only as far as they might be more fun for him.

    The problem I face in giving advice is that this mindset seems so alien to me. My focus is on my partner's pleasure tbh. As I once said to someone, I can give myself an orgasm, it is enabling someone else's that needs a partner. It is my partners' orgasms I miss if I do not have sex for a period.

    My partner's pleasure is also a major turn on for me... and this would be my suggested route into his motivation. Somehow (not sure how) make him unable to avoid watching you masturbate, stimulate yourself, allow yourself cries of ecstasy, end up dripping down your legs... Rub your juices over his face and make him smell and taste your passion.

    Lastly: get him to understand why safe-words exist in BDSM.

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Alastor wrote:

    My partner's pleasure is also a major turn on for me... and this would be my suggested route into his motivation. Somehow (not sure how) make him unable to avoid watching you masturbate, stimulate yourself, allow yourself cries of ecstasy, end up dripping down your legs... Rub your juices over his face and make him smell and taste your passion.

    I asked him about this the other day, having seen it mentioned in someone elses thread. He actually shrugged his shoulders and was like 'yeah, i just don't get it really, why would I want to watch you doing that to yourself, when I'm there to do it.' I then asked wouldn't you like to watch me, and then be able to come and taste me, comes inside me extra knowing I'll be really wet and aroused etc the asnwer I got made my heart sink, and is probably what led to this post, he basicaly said it's not as good pushing inside me once I'm all wet and open, and that the taste is different and quite strong.

    What's a girl to do with an answer like that?

    1396623255
    Alastor [sign in to see picture]
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    Bitch-slap that MoFo?

    1396623500
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    lol, that might be worth a try. I did wonder if he needs a good spanking, but he isn't into that for himself either.

    1396624049
    Kinky&Curvy [sign in to see picture]
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    Sounds to me like he's being incredibly inconsiderate and if you don't want to leave him have you ever thought of sex therapy??

    The purpose of sex therapy is to help improve your love life and physical initmacy.

    It sounds to me like he won't change unless you take drastic actions and make him fully realise how you feel, maybe therapy is the answer...

    You could always tie him down and make him watch you, though if it does nothin for him and he isn't into it that kind of play you may end up feelin even worse Xx

    1396624244
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Amanda. He doesn;t seem to mind trying new stuff, he just makes me feel like he gets no joy from it. It's a bit like 'well i'm doing it for you so why would i enjoy it' type of mentality.

    For example, he asked me what I get out of reading erotica, so I sugested maybe one time I could read some to him. Now after receiving some compliments for the first story I posted on here, I thought why not read that to him. I didn't tell him I'd written it as I wanted an honest opinion. So as I read to him, he gave me oral, personally I thought it was a really arousing thing to do. When I asked him how it was, he was just like 'yeah it's alright. not boring but not a massive turn on' I asked if it was more of a turn on if i wrote it, he said 'yes a bit'. no more no less. I know this probably isn't for everyone, but I feel he could have at least had the imagination to say, well I'd love it if you did that bit to me or even asked if I was into what I wrote about.

    A year ago i couldn't even say the word pussy out loud, and there I was saying that plus more, talking about really explicit sex acts and it just did nothing for him.

    Maybe I should just give up. All it does is get me wound up and ranting like a mad women, lol.

    1396624405
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Kinky&Curvy wrote:

    Sounds to me like he's being incredibly inconsiderate and if you don't want to leave him have you ever thought of sex therapy??

    The purpose of sex therapy is to help improve your love life and physical initmacy.

    It sounds to me like he won't change unless you take drastic actions and make him fully realise how you feel, maybe therapy is the answer...

    You could always tie him down and make him watch you, though if it does nothin for him and he isn't into it that kind of play you may end up feelin even worse Xx

    He does like me to tie him up, but like you say if he isn't into watching me then will i just feel worse if I do it.

    Peronsally I'd go to sex therapy, but I would probably die of shock if he agreed to go. I could maybe look into though, that does no harm.

    1396626391
    scarab9 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Lady S,

    it does sound difficult. Without knowing waaaay more (as you do as you're living it) it's difficult to really tell what's going on exactly. I think a big question is how long it's been since you guys had the big talk about you needing more from your sex life. If it's quite recent it may just be a matter of patience and accepting that you've made a big step forward already but it can't all happen at once, it's more of a journey.

    But if that was quite a long time back and since then there's been little improvement then it's more concerning and the idea of some sex therapy might be really worthwhile. If he's not willing to go as a couple then maybe go yourself and having a more thorough talk to an expert (the folks on here are brilliant but there are limitations) might help you work out how to approach things differently that will make him more receptive or ease him in to changes.

    One thing that's not been mentioned, and again this might be way off just due to not having all the information, is that men do suffer from lack of confidence. That can either be feeling awkward or nervous when doing something new as they feel they might do it wrong or it might show that they lack experience. It can also be less obvious and simply be that our performance isn't so good. I think it sometimes comes across like impatience but it can be more of a "ah crap she's not responding like I'd hoped, try something else quick...nope, oh I give up I'm just awful today" kind of thing. Or it can be that he could be acting dismissive of something because, even though you're suggesting it, he's worried you'll think he's weird for liking it.

    The big talk - while necessary, brave, and a fantastic step - may also have knocked his confidence more than he will admit.

    So what I'm getting at is that his indifference to your pleasure and his dismissive answers MAY be walls he's putting up to cover his lack of confidence and nerves. Just something to consider, it may not apply here but may just give a different angle of thought and approach.

    Anyway, good luck and I hope you get more of what you're after! You deserve it.

    1396626898
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    "ah crap she's not responding like I'd hoped, try something else quick...nope, oh I give up I'm just awful today" kind of thing.

    Thanks scarab. The above comment may be worth consideration actually. I will try and bare this in mind going forward.

    It is all fairly recent, and for me it has snowballed somewhat. Maybe I am expecting to much of him too soon. I suppose it's easy to travel along this journey quickly when you are enjoying the ride, maybe when you are joing someone else on their discovery it's a bit harder to take it in and adapt. I hadn't really thought of it form this point of view, so thank you for that.

    i am sure we will get there, it's just a matter of how and when I suppose.

    1396627336
    VirginAngel [sign in to see picture]
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    I wish i could comfort you in ome way, i just had to end a 2 1/2 year relationship because no ammount of talking was making any difference to him offering what i needed by way of affection, and he was blaming my asking for it for really making him not want to give it, and i knew we would not be sexually compatible either. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do and i miss him so terribly but i would only have made myself so unhappy staying. It's a horrible situation to be in and i hope it works out for you i really do.

    1396627654
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh VA I'm really sorry to hear that.. *massive hugs* for you. I hope once you are ready you fiind the right person for you on all levels. Up until now I had that with my husband, but my recent and somewhat sudden diversion into all things kinky has put a bit of a spanner in the works. Thank you for your message and I wish you al the best x

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    I am thinking time is the main factor now I've read all the replies. I feel better for getting it off my chest though. We have a child free night tomorrow, so maybe that will be a good time to feel better about things.

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    Alastor [sign in to see picture]
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    Has he normally been more considerate of your pleasure than may have come across in this thread?

    1396630329
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Hmmm hard to say really Al. We have been together 10 yrs this year and I only had my firt orgasm in jan/feb. So prior to that sex was pretty ok for me and good for him. He didn't pay much attention to what I wanted because there wasn't much to want. Nothing seemed to really fire me up.

    Now I know what does hit the spot and it just isn't being delivered in the way I'd hoped.

    1396630433
    Alastor [sign in to see picture]
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    So he never tried just keeping going with cunnilingus as you said what worked until you came?

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    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi LadyS, so sorry to hear you are having a tough time of things. One thing that has my alarm bells ringing, is when he tied you up he said 'I don't think you're in a position to say no' is really worrying to me. Every aspect of BDSM play must always be consensual. As Alastor said, he must really understand what safe-words are - and totally respect your choice as to whether you are happy to go ahead with what he has suggested.

    It takes a huge amount of trust from both partners when you are tied up or in a vulnerable position. Safe words don’t mean that you don’t trust your partner. They are there to protect you both on a physical and emotional level.

    It is also very important to keep communicating to him about how you are feeling about things. If you find it hard to tell him, you could always write him a letter. I know you are excellent at writing after reading your stories ;) This may be a way to really let him know how much his lack of interest in you is upsetting you.

    I really do hope that things work out for you both. 10 years is a very long time and I know you said how much you love him and that he is a good man. Hopefully if he fully understands how you feel, he will want to make the effort to make your love life more of a two way street xxx

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    I think the main thing you need to do is tell him all of this, and tell him exactly how you're feeling. You will have to reiterate to him that although you're willing to try anal and you're working up to it, he can't push that and needs to respect your wishes. Tell him what you like, but also tell him there's a fine line that can sometimes be crossed. You should also use safe words, especially when causing physical pain or being restrained. We use yellow and red, yellow when something is getting too intense or you're becoming uncomfortable, worried or weary with something and he should change his actions immediately to make you more comfortable. Red is an ultimate stop, if you're restrained he needs to make sure he quickly and safely frees you and makes sure that you're okay. You should then have a long discussion about it and learn from what has happened.

    You will have to give him a little bit of give and take, he's respecting your likes at the moment and embracing them, so you'll have to help him out a little. My husband won't kiss me when I've swallowed, and I don't blame him. I don't like kissing him when he's been down there on me! I just don't like it, and he just doesn't like tasting himself. Afterwards he will always kiss me another places, just not on the mouth and that's totally fine by me. Is it the general lack of affection afterwards that's bothering you, or just that particularly?

    Quote: "It seems like for him unless its blowjobs and vaginal sex, its really not that interesting. He has virtually said as much to me and it's making me so sad." - Why does this make you sad? Not everyone can be the same and some people just prefer having a 'vanilla' sex life, but because he's embracing your likes and partaking in them, I find that quite nice that he's doing that for you. At the end of the day, he could just say 'no, that doesn't turn me on'. I understand that you want to be on the same page and you want him to have the same sexual interests as you, but this is actually something really hard to come across. I also kind of think he's not into this stuff and doesn't know how to act when doing the things you like because he doesn't know too much about it. Would he be interested in reading some erotic fiction to give him a taste of how you would like your sex life to be? My husband doesn't like reading erotic fiction, but I occasionally write some for him about ourselves and he loves it!

    Relationships are constantly about give and take and communication. You never know, he might be sitting thinking "oh I just want to make love and she wants to do all of this kinky stuff", it might just not appeal to him. But this is why you need to communicate and come to some sort of mutual agreement, discuss your likes and dislikes and maybe some days arrange to do the things that he likes and get him to return the favour another day and do what you like.

    With regards to not wanting to watch you masterbate, is it really that big of an issue? Maybe he would just rather do it to you than watch you. I understand how you feel about him mentioning how you taste, I would feel very hurt too and he probably should have kept that to himself, but at least he still goes down there, he could just avoid it all together. Some people just don't like the taste of it, like some people like marmite. I think I taste disgusting, but my husband loves it.

    I don't think he's being unreasonable at all, it sounds like to me he's really trying to do what you like, but he doesn't really know what he's doing. He is actually trying though, just like you're trying to get into anal because of his likes. I think he just needs some guidance, he's totally vanilla and doesn't know anything about what the type of things you're interested entails, he's kind of being thrown in at the deep end and doesn't quite know what to do, so does what he thinks will work best. I think if you communicate with him about it, you'll be able to work something out. Because you already read erotica, you already know a lot more about certain fetishes than he does, and he just needs some help. I definitely think you should write one of your wonderful stories about him and you, and set up a scene of your perfect night together and get him to read it. Explain what things do to you and how they make you feel. When he can really read how you feel and what you're thinking at the time he will have a much better understanding of the things you like. By the way, reading erotica while he have you oral sounds amazing!!! But I wouldn't take what he said to heart, he probably wasn't concentrating that much on what you were saying. You also don't know that what you wrote did nothing for him, maybe he just doesn't want to talk about it too much because he is quite vanilla and maybe he's uncomfortable talking about the more explicit details.

    If you think about it, if he suddenly out of the blue confessed that he had a fetish, maybe be wanted you to have sex with other men or something, and it really wasn't something that you were interested in, he would have to respect that. And I think maybe you need to respect his likes and dislikes too. You can't go to sex therapy and say "well I'm into all this kinky stuff and he's not and it's not fair". It's really all about give and take.

    I don't think all is lost, and because it's so recent I think he just needs some time. It sounds like you already have a very strong loving relationship, and I think because he's trying so hard I think things will change. But you have to understand, he doesn't read erotic fiction and doesn't get all of these kinky ideas in his head like us women do. He's just happy plodding along and is probably quite shocked to have to now adapt to all this kink that's going on.

    I think it shows how much you mean to him that he's going to all of this effort, and I think it will just take a little more time, a little more give and take and a lot more communication and everything will work out fine xx

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    naughtywildfun90 [sign in to see picture]
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    It sounds childish but my oh was the sane couple of years ago so I tied him down, lubed it up and slipped a butt plug in him. He said he didn't enjoy it and that gave me a platform to show him why if u said no to certain things he should listen. Although I think he's just scared of me choosing a bugger plug next time haha xx

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you everyone for all the advice. I have been having a long think and ruminating on all you have said.

    Scorpius and Mrs you raised some great points, and gave me a lot to consider. Mrs you made a lot of sense. He is a vanilla guy and I am suddenly wanting him to be totally different to please me. I was frustrated earlier and didn't really see that. He is trying though, you are right there.

    I feel awful that I have possibly painted a bad picture of him, which is very unjust. I think I was thinking of things in terms of what would please me, what do I personally want to experience. I wasn't actually thinking of us as a couple. Which is unfair because that isn't how it works. I can't suddenly after all this time just be focused on me.

    I think I need to work on the things we can experience together, the other things I will let go I think.

    Thank you again to everyone who replied to me, it has been a great help. x

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