• Looking for some advice regarding reluctant partner.

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    Cacidy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
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    • Joined: 19 Feb 2014

    Hello again :)

    As the title suggests, I am after some advice please.

    A little background info: I am in a relationship that is a few years old now. In my previous long term relationship, toys and such were pretty standard in the bedroom. My current boyfriend is not so keen it seems. Back in the beginning, on a night out with some friends, one of them returned from the gents with a vibrating ring. My boyfriend said something along the lines of "oh we dont need stuff like that" so I never said anything about it. I missed my toys horribly so started collecting again (as I had binned all the ones from my previous). I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is aware of their existance in my drawer but it's kind of a 'dirty secret' if you know what I mean. He was also aware that I had previously had a collection so they are not completely alien to him. So a few nights ago mid foreplay I said I wanted to get something and he said "you've got me". I said to him it wasn't about that and nothing could replace him. I left it at that and we carried on.

    Anyway. I am desperate to get toys into bed and the thought of spending the rest of my life playing solo fills me with dread. The thing is, I am 99.9% sure that given the chance he would enjoy them. I have no idea how to get him to even try it. If after he's tried it and still isn't keen, well I would respect his feelings and leave it be. I also have no idea on how to even broach the subject. I purchased a bullet recently thinking it would be less intimidating for him. I have not used it myself yet either since I figured I could maybe get him to warm up to the idea and open it together so it could be seen as 'ours' if you know what I mean :/

    Any hints, tips, suggestions would be gratefully recieved :)

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    Brooke. [sign in to see picture]
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    I've heard this happen a lot. I think some men view sex toys as replacement penises for men-hating women! You need to show him the vast array of possibilities you could try out. Show him that toys are for both of you, not just yourself. I would say the bullet is a good place to start, once you've got him wound up, running it across his body as you have sex/go down in him? Use the vibrations on HIM to make him appreciate the different sensations that no human body can match. Slowly work your way up to different sensations and designs, but use him as your focus untill he understands and chooses to use them on you.

    Also : reassure him that the toys are new and not from a previous relationship. I found it so weird and off putting when we used his old handcuffs!

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    JessyBunny89 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 59
    • Joined: 10 Jan 2008

    Hi Cacidy,

    Sorry to hear that you are having issues with this. When we start relationships we assume that either our partners will be in to what we like, or that as the relationship progresses, so will the sex life and you will experience new things together.

    From your post it sounds as if he has made a few little comments but you have not really had a proper conversation with him. He may feel inadequate when it comes to comparing himself with your toys, as buttons and shapes mean that they can sometimes provide us with more.

    I think that talking to him seriously about why he is so against it, and explaining to him how much this can add to your sex life, rather than 'replacing him', may quash his fears slightly. If you are sure that he will enjoy it, then bite the bullet, so to speak, and talk to him. He may have had a bad experience in the past, or may want to try something himself but is afraid to talk to you about it.

    Communication can only help things, and good luck lovely.

    1396504566
    Cacidy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 5
    • Joined: 19 Feb 2014

    Thank you both :)

    You are right Jessy. We have never discussed the issue. He typically doesn't open up about things like this, or much else if I'm honest. He can also be very defensive and takes the slightest thing I say as a critisism.

    I know communication is key and I am going to have to get the nerve from somewhere. In an ideal world I was hoping to just whip something out and go lol

    Thanks again!

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2482
    • Joined: 12 Sep 2010

    Hi Cacidy, masculinity is the subject we are trying to deal with. I have posted on a few threads and touched apon it. Maybe we need a thread so all you ladies who are more confident in your sexuality than your partners can ask all your questions there.

    We so often discuss confidence issues for the ladies and I think it is probably the norm that women because of social andl media pressure to look good all the time are more prone to it. However I am beginning to think as there have been few posts of late about male confidence it's a much bigger underlying concern than we first thought..

    I won't rant on this thread will start a new one for the weekend see if we can get more men to pitch in.

    To try and start an answer for you, masculinity and male sexual prowess. Very very difficult subject. You have to go back and think of us as animals or cave men. We are supposed to be strong and providers even invincible. In modern society it is nigh on impossible to do do this. Some men can adapt, others because of upbringing as well really struggle and the biggest problem is discussing it is wrong because in these men's eyes it shows even more weakness, but you are right and to talk about it is right . Not only will it help you, it will really help him but getting him started is tough.

    My suggestion with the toys as you seem confident enough is take the route of telling him you want to masterbate and put on a show to get him really going and if he's a good boy and sits and watches you are going to give him the blow job of his life. Task and reward, it's a masculine feed trick. Good luck I hope this helps and please keep posting.

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    Catastrophic [sign in to see picture]
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    My ex was intimidated by toys in the bedroom because he didn't like the idea of feeling inadequate (not that he was, i just enjoy using them) but I showed him my bullet (not as threatening to his masaculinity as a realistic 12" dildo or something), turned it on and let him feel through his clothes which made him want to try it out himself it using it on me - sucess 3:) then the next step was shopping on lovehoney while he was in the room and asking his opinions so he got involved (on stuff like lingere as well) and getting him to choose some stuff.

    If you know he has any kinks revolve around that for a bit maybe and how to enhance it eg: if he likes being dominant suggest he handcuff you and then buy some and leave them where they are easily visable and accessible in the bedroom... hopefully curiosity will get the better of him.

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    Cowboy81 [sign in to see picture]
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    As always, GentleGiant puts the thought down.

    You OH has insecurities that he is not enough and that is a blow to his ego. He fears you "need" more than him. All I can offer is to support the rest of the communities comments: talk to him. You know him as a person better than we do; you have to help him see that "toys are for play, he is for real".

    I became very open to the idea of toys when I realized that "I" could wield the power. I can use them to increase MRS pleasure, and that makes me a more powerful lover.

    Good luck in helping him realize that playtime can be fun!

    ~CB

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    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 23 Jun 2012

    Very common thing for a man to feel insecure about toys!

    If communication is not likely to improve things how about getting him to tie you up and do stuff to you. If he enjoys being in control and teasing you then maybe you could slowly introduce something none threatening and none penis shaped like a bullet vibrator for clitoral fun. Or how about starting with a love egg on a night out. Give him the remote and then drag him off to the toilets for a quickie. Let him see how much fun toys can be as a couple.
    If you can get over the initial toy use thenaybe buy the a we-vibe couples toy or Lelo Tara which can both be used while you have intercourse. That way he can get some benifit from it too.

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    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 23 Jun 2012

    Very common thing for a man to feel insecure about toys!

    If communication is not likely to improve things how about getting him to tie you up and do stuff to you. If he enjoys being in control and teasing you then maybe you could slowly introduce something none threatening and none penis shaped like a bullet vibrator for clitoral fun. Or how about starting with a love egg on a night out. Give him the remote and then drag him off to the toilets for a quickie. Let him see how much fun toys can be as a couple.
    If you can get over the initial toy use thenaybe buy the a we-vibe couples toy or Lelo Tara which can both be used while you have intercourse. That way he can get some benifit from it too.

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    Cacidy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
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    • Joined: 19 Feb 2014

    Thank you all. You have given me a good idea of how I should proceed, much appreciated :) Will let you know how I get on or off as the case may be!

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    Tromain [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 20 Jan 2011

    GentleGiant is spot on here, and even us men who enjoy toys can feel that knock of ego at times!

    When my wife and I first got together she had never even considered using toys, and had never even masturbated. After a couple years I slowly introduced her to toys and she loves including them in our sessions now and then. Then one day I realised I was no longer lasting 2-3 hours but only 10-15 minutes.. then I began lasting no more then 1 minute. My ego took a HUGE knock when my GP diagnosed it as ED.

    When my wife reached for toys I began to think "Oh god I'm not good enough anymore!" I knew that this wasn't the case deep down, but the thought was there every damned time and it was an awful experience, even worse when I finally explained to her exactly why I no longer desired sex. The ED is still a problem, but we have found ways around it, and toys have been very beneficial to us. I now use them on her heavily during foreplay(which I now drag out for much longer then I used to) to bring her close to orgasm, and then we begin penetration, usualy both reaching climax at nearly the same moment.

    Softly softly catchy monkey ;) as others have said, focus on toys that are more akin to his personal kinks/fetishes and be as unobtrusive and nonthreatening as possible. :)

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    CupcakeCutie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 2 Apr 2014

    Hi! I am actually in the same situation here. My boyfriend thinks vibrators and dildos are a replacement and all I need is him. He told me I'm not allowed to buy one. I'm by far more adventurous than he is and I am slowly trying to introduce him to sex toys.

    try starting out with something he can really get involved in such as the remote love eggs to show him that it's really about both of your pleasure and not you replacing him. Go out in public and give him the control! Then try introducing it into the bedroom. That's how I'm trying it anyways!

    hope this helps a little.

    xox

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    myghost [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 30 Dec 2012

    Men can be prudish about toys they see them as a man replacement and it can really knock their ego's if they don't think they are good enough for their partner's get any toys you have hand it to your partner get him to use it on you give him control reassure him it's not taking his place if he can get used to a bullet or remote control egg not taking his place things like couples toys won't be such a problem

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