• How to reach orgasm with a partner?

    1395198816
    mnms [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 103
    • Joined: 19 Oct 2013

    Hello all!

    Recently I broached the subject of my lack of orgasms with my partner and he told me that because I don't orgasm he feels like he is bad in bed. I asked him if every girl he had been with before me orgasmed with him to which he said yes and needless to say that made me feel like shit. I don't feel normal and feel like I'm lacking something that a woman should have, and I can't make my partner feel good.

    Next time we see each other I've asked if he will let me guide him and give him tips on what feels good for me and he has agreed. However, I want him to do foreplay for a lot longer than he is able to, he complains that during oral his mouth ends up hurting but by this point for him I'm still nowhere near orgasm.

    I can orgasm alone, but it has only ever happened once in a two year relationship with a previous partner and then never again for the 12 partners following that!

    Does anyone have any foolproof tips for achieving orgasm with a partner? It really really gets me down.

    1395200961
    VirginAngel [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 904
    • Joined: 1 Mar 2014

    You are absolutely 100% normal, please don't feel less of a woman, some of us just aren't built to orgasm easily and the harder it is for the 20% of women with a clitoris more than an inch from their vaginal opening. Guiding him is a good idea, and if he can't do oral for long periods there are things he can do with his fingers while he gives his mouth a little break.

    1395215767
    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2481
    • Joined: 12 Sep 2010

    Hi mnms, it's a little naughty that your OH heeps this pressure on you yet doesn't seem to be prepared to do a little more for you to help.

    That aside, communication is the key tell him what you need and that he should be helping you. I suspect a lot of it is psychological for you. You need to relax and try and enjoy it , like most things sexual if you set goals and try and chase them. The stress of trying stops you achieving them.

    A few suggestions. If you are confident enough try a strip tease to get you turned on and him not touching so slowing him down. Then only let him watch you masterbate and use your toys. This way he will learn how you like to pleasure your self. When my wife and I won't to come together she goes on top and controls the pace. She likes being penetrated but needs clitoral stimulation. So we have the wired LH cock ring with large clit stimulator. When on top of me she more grinds and gribs my penis whilst trapping the clit stimulator between or pelvic bones. This then allows her to control how much pressure is applied to her clit. For a little more direct stimulation from this position , we swap to roll reversal missionary. So I put my legs out side of her hips and draw my knees up and she now can close her legs and trap my cock between her thighs. She slides down a little so the angle of entry is very shallow but my penis is rubbing its whole length against her clit area with more pressure as it is bent down trying to spring up. This helps me to control my self as it is the thrusting against the whole penis head that make most men come. What we have built up in communication skills is we tell each other when we are close, when she is there I force myself in deeper in grabbing her bum and pulling her into me. Usually her orgasmic contractions tip me over the edge, the feeling of us both coming seems to make the others orgasm last longer and deeper.

    1395219202
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 943
    • Joined: 4 Jul 2012

    Hiya,

    I really feel for you and do understand how this can affect you. I have been with my man for 10 year and only in the last few months have I started to orgasm, either alone or together.

    For that to happen though I really had to be honest with both myself and him about what I wanted. For me that included much longer foreplay, different positions for oral (if he lies down and i kneel above his face i find i can get him to stimulate my clitoris more), sexy outfits (which he was happy to get on board with and a little bit of spanking (this was the hardest to ask for, as I admit I felt a bit odd about it, but since being on Lovehoney I feel fine about arousing I find it - Thank LH) and I took a massice leap and started to pleasure myself too. So if I need that clit stimulation while he is inside me then I get it, no asking I just take it for myself.

    That's me though, so whatever it is you want and need, then you have to ask for it and find a way to make it happen. So if his jaw aches from oral, maybe the position I mentioned might be good. My husband says it was a lot less effort for him with a massive reward at the end of it.

    Do you have a decent toy that you can use on yourself and get pleasure from, if so show him how to use that one you. I've never done this before. But I received some glass dildos from lovehoney yesterday and I am definitely showing him how to give me pleasure with them. So I think the right toy could be a real addition.

    I have also discovered that although I always felt I was wet enough for sex, it turns out I was wet enough to orgasm. I started adding a little bit of lube when playing solo (just out of curiosity really) and it definitely helps things. Especially around the clitoris area, I can now notice the difference in sensation if I am too dry around there.

    I have also found that a bit of pampering, and a sexy outfit and a little bit of erotic reading acts a little bit like forplay for me too.

    Try and relax about it though, it will happen, keep talking, be honest and enjoy what you are doing regardless of orgasm or not and hopefully the big-O will follow. I honestly think it was my mind that was the barrier all these years, not my body. So feeling pressure and bad about it will probably get you further away not closer. Explain this to your OH too. I have had to explain to my husband that he needs to get my mind in a sexy mood and if he does that my body will far willing to play :)

    Good luck x

    1395251994
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2236
    • Joined: 18 Oct 2011

    I can sympathise. I have been here, a few times! I can often take a while to reach orgasm. I'd say average is 20-30 minutes, sometimes as quick as 2 mins and sometimes hours..(Not kidding.) For the first year of my relationship living with my current partner, I could not orgasm with him at all and even doing it alone became hard work. I discovered I lost my orgasm due to medication I was taking and then because I lost it for so long, I ended up constantly thinking about it during sex and mentally blocked myself from getting there.

    One piece of advice I really want to push on you is that you have to try your best not to think about this too much and worry about it because the mind is POWERFUL and it can make it become a worse problem. On the other hand, the power of the mind can help you resolve it quicker.

    First thing I want to say regarding what is happening for you, is that you are totally 100% normal. Woman on average take much longer than men to reach orgasm. You don't have a problem and you need to look at it this way:

    He was a very lucky man to be with a woman in the past who could orgasm quickly or at the drop of a hat!

    Because I can tell you straight up, many women are simply not that responsive. I am one of them. I have also had my confidence shattered by men telling me their tongue hurts, or making comments to suggest I "take too long" What is "too long" anyway? If we sit down to enjoy a 3 course meal at a restaurant, do we rush through the starter and main course, wolf down the pudding and raise out hands at the speed in which we just did it? Nope! We relish it, we soak in the atmosphere, we indulge in all the tastes and sounds and smells and we do not force it down and rush to the end.

    That also begs the question: What is the end? The issue with viewing orgasm as the end goal, the thing to be achieved, is that when it doesnt happen, everyone feels like a failure. We then rule out the fact that we just enjoyed some amazing pleasure, our skin tingling, sharing intimacy and sensations all because we did not achieve something. Orgasm is the cherry on top, but the experience, the foreplay is all part of the delicious cake. The word foreplay insinuates that everything before penetration and orgasm is just a warm up to the main event. Not true though.

    As a woman, who has been where you are and experienced extremely similar things, I can tell you that orgasm will be harder to achieve, if not almost impossible, when you are worrying about him being in pain, worrying he is bored, worrying your taking too long, worrying you won't cum, worrying he will be disappointed...etc etc. So my advice would be to explain to him that orgasm does not equal good sex and it is the experience that feels amazing. Both of you need to remove focus on your lack of orgasm, back up a little and enjoy the whole experience of intimacy. In fact, if you both try having sessions where orgasm is BANNED...and the focus is to give each other as much pleasure as possible, you might find it helps remove pressure.

    Also you must understand that all women are different in what they need to cum. It takes me about 20 to 30 minutes to orgasm and that used to be much longer. My partner complained he was in pain after one session, Now we can have much longer oral sessions, which he enjoys, because he changed his technique. My guy used to stick his tongue out as far as possible and wiggle it fast. No one can keep that up for ages. In the end I asked him to slow right down and to get his face all up in my business. When he wasn't over reaching with his tongue, he stopped experiencing that pain.

    Unfortunately there is no guarantee or a foolproof way to ensure you reach orgasm. My main tips are for you to stop worrying about it because you are completely normal and pressuring yourself WILL make it harder. To speak with your guy and have him understand it isnt all about the O, but the whole experience and lack of orgasm does not mean lack of enjoyment and pleasure. Also I recommend guiding him and asking him to slow down and be kind to his tongue, but if this makes oral too slow and gentle for you, then I recommend getting really close first, or just not using oral as your go-to method for orgasm. There is nothing wrong with needing more. Some women can only reach orgasm from strong vibes ONLY! There is NOTHING wrong with that. Next I recommend removing the pressure to orgasm by both having sessions where orgasms are banned and the idea is just to tease each other. I also recommend that you (and him) understand that just because one woman could orgasm from his oral, doesnt mean they all will. We are all different.

    The fact you can orgasm alone, but not with a partner, sounds very similar to what I went through and again I just want to push the fact that the mind is an extremely powerful thing. People will say to you "relax" "Dont think about things" "Stop worrying" but that is so much harder to do than to say. It will take time and I got there through talking with my partner, honestly. I told him how I felt, my worries, we experimented, it failed - often, we talked more, sometimes the talking made it worse! but over time I had to learn and train myself to relax and let go. It isn't easy and it won't happen overnight. Try to see every step in the right direction as a huge positive and any step in the wrong direction (eg: You orgasm once then not again for a few months) as something minor. If you can push all the worry and thoughts from your mind, it really helps.

    Keep talking to him, tell him all this, take it slow, remove the pressure and keep enjoying the sessions you have now. try not to feel bitter or angry at yourself if you fail to orgasm. Treat orgasm as the cherry on top of the cake and not the be all and end all. If it never happens for you, please be aware you are not alone. So so many women are in the same position and you are not a failure. If you simply need more stimulation, have you tried a vibrator during your sessions with him? If you can start enjoying orgasms, through methods that you know are almost guaranteed, like using a vibe, or doing it yourself, then do that...with him. Use the vibe during, play with yourself during. Some women just need very specific things done to them and find it really difficult or impossible to orgasm from someone elses touch. That's okay too.

    Anyway, rambled on a bit...oops. Hope this helps xx

    1395335382
    mnms [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 103
    • Joined: 19 Oct 2013

    Thank you everyone for your advice and reassurance! It's nice to know I'm not the only one that has problems with this and that other people have overcome it :)

    I think me and him both need to sit down and have a talk about what I need during sex and what more we could both be doing to help, and also to make sure we both understand that orgasming does not equal good sex. I had actually previously said to him that I consider him the best I've been with, and I love sex with him because he is caring and there's love involved, but I think he just got stuck on the idea that I don't cum therefore he is somehow bad in bed.

    I definitely think it's a psychological thing for me as well as I see my role as giver rather than receiver. Too much of a people pleaser I guess! :P So I do need to request more for me I think. I think I am able to orgasm alone as I know that no one else is involved and no one is watching me, I don't have to worry about how I look or how long I might take, and I know that I always orgasm by myself so there isn't a mental block there. But with a partner I get self conscious about a number of things so it stops me from enjoying myself properly.

    We have tried a few toys together, a cock ring that felt okay but didn't get me to the big O, and some vibrators but I mostly used them solo with him watching so I feel guilty that he isn't more involved. He did tell me that if I want to use something I just need to say so and he will oblige, but sometimes it's hard to make demands if you feel uncomfortable being dominant. I have however bought some cock rings with much larger clitoral stimulators and I'm going to force myself to be more dominant and bring out the toys more often so hopefully that will help :)

    There is some great advice here about techniques and different scenarios to try also so I'll definitely be suggesting all of those to him! I'm so grateful for all the kind words, it really has made me feel better and more hopeful :) Thank you all!

    1395357410
    PurringTiger [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 797
    • Joined: 22 Jun 2012

    Fluffbags gave some amazing advice once again and pretty much sums up a lot of what I would have suggested.

    You have also mentioned that you have tried cock rings together and you will try more with better clitoral stimulation but maybe try getting a decent bullet aswell. One like the Lelo Mia and teach him how to use this with you. It's nice and small enough that it can be used together and not be in the way too much like larger vibrators can be. It also has a lot of variation which means he can spend plenty of time trying different speeds and patterns and give his tongue a rest whilst being able to tease you with the vibrations. It might seem like an expensive bullet but it is definitely worth it to buy something with more than one or three speeds in my honest opinion.

    1403654043
    mnms [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 103
    • Joined: 19 Oct 2013

    Hello all!

    Didn't want to make a brand new thread so thought I'd just dredge this one up again! So after leaving the partner I originally spoke about in this thread, then meeting a new guy I have finally managed to orgasm at the hands of a partner! :)

    I think feeling comfortable around the other person was a huge help, I wasn't self conscious about my body whatsoever. He also used plenty of lubricant (moisturising cream funnily enough!) and he really listened to what I wanted and didn't give up due to tiredness. It was an amazing experience and I hope anyone else who struggles with this problem doesn't lose hope! :)

    1403654763
    ScarletRose [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 351
    • Joined: 1 Aug 2012

    Yes mnms! I was reading the posts through, and then came to the end and it's like a true happy ending! Congrats :)

    1403708476
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2236
    • Joined: 18 Oct 2011

    Oh my gawd! I am smiling right now for you! :D So happy for you! Sometimes those psychological blockages can be caused by incompatibility or just not having the right chemistry or sensations with a partner. This goes to show that this can happen too.

    I was going to add to this thread, for you and any other woman struggling, that personally, cock rings don't work for me and the reason why is because it is an intermittent sensation. They also suffer from the problem of not being accurate. (If you have one particular side or point on your clit that you rub to reach orgasm, but nowhere else really works, then the cock ring will drive you barmy, because it hits the clit randomly, unless you grind on it yourself) The vibes only touch your clit for a second or two before he withdraws and the sensation is lost. Now, don#t get me wrong, cock rings can be fab for reeeeally slow penetrative sessions, or even if you already know your body and how to get off easily. They work great for women who don't have to work hard to orgasm.

    For women who struggle though, I recommend going straight for a bullet vibe or other small clitoral vibrator first and maybe trying a cock ring at a later date. I hate to think of women struggling to get to orgasm and pinning lots of hope into a toy that is more designed to tease you to orgasm, slowly (which is what cock rings do imo) A clit vibe can be held in place constantly and during the times when I suffered anorgasmia due to psycholical worries....I found a clit vibe to be much more successful than a cock ring at that point in time.

    1403840344
    mnms [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 103
    • Joined: 19 Oct 2013

    Thanks so much ScarlettMae and Fluffbags! I have been grinning ear to ear since it happened haha!

    And Fluffbags I think you're right, there were moments where I felt close with a cock ring but it was too intermittent for me to fully reach orgasm. They were an interesting addition but definitely not the solution to the issue!

    1403850722
    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2481
    • Joined: 12 Sep 2010

    Mnms, that's fantastic I'm thrilled for you. Thanks for posting to let us know.

    1403870464
    lissylou [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 25
    • Joined: 7 Dec 2011

    Yayyyy! Congrats Mnms, so chuffed for you :)

    1403874558
    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6373
    • Joined: 18 Dec 2007

    Mnms - that's fantatsic, I'm so happy for you. This is just the start... :) xx

    1403894426
    mnms [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 103
    • Joined: 19 Oct 2013

    Thanks so much for the kind words everyone! :)

    1403906069
    Candied Citrus [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 516
    • Joined: 19 May 2012

    That's super wonderful news, mnms! :D I'm so happy for you - that's awesome! x

    1403991962
    Lam [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 1
    • Joined: 27 Jan 2014

    Gentle giant, which cock ring is it you have?. We have been looking now for a while and this sounds just up our street with the large clit stimulator. I love being on top and taking control. Looking forward to trying the role reversal in the misionary position!! Waiting in great anticaption.x

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.