• The psychology of sex.

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    Briona, reading your posts again I can't help but think you have slipped into a bad habit. I have come across this quite a bit people who spend a fair bit of time on their own have conversations with them selves or if you like over think things and with nobody to bounce their thoughts off, they get some very negative answers. Especially some one who is obviously as intelligent as you. My guess is when you are not studying your mind slips to this deeply emotional conundrum of your private life and no lover.

    Every thing is true that you have posted but it is nowhere near as common as you think. I think you have the percentages far to high of people thinking the way you have posted. Fat, body shape and sexy are not hugely on most people's minds. You have got into a huge rut of I am fat and everyone that sees me says yes she's fat. Simply not true I would say that is 75% in your head. Please use all that cognitive power to think more positively , just this small change on the inside will have a massive impact on the outside. I cannot understand how these people who make these vile comments to you are not perceived by you correctly ,as children with low intellect and no respect. I know it's hurt ful but rise above it. Take as a huge compliment they feel threatened by me and my intellect and need to find something to knock you with.

    I hope posting here amongst caring , normal people who will have a conversation about love lives and relationships will help.

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    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Gentle giant > That's why I am looking for other folks' opinions anywhere I can find some, including these forums ;-)

    As I have already said, virtually no people over 40 tell me to lose weight (they used to when I had 300 lbs, obviously, but have since decided I am more or less okay nowadays), my problem mostly stems from heads of young women - and men who are seriously influenced by young women's opinions. I think you are right that girls tend to fight as dirty as they can to make themselves the only candidates "worthy" of guys' attention and that they love to make sure they present the others a way that's as unflattering as possible - I suppose there are not many "weapons" they could successfully use against me, therefore they go for the only one they can think of, the one that is very easy to reach - body image. And young-ish guys tend to go with the flow as it gets set by young women - perhaps because they fear that unless they do so, they are likely to be considered dull, weird or simply "not cool enough". Being seen with a fat girl is simply not stylish and not likely to impress one's friends. When you think about it, it is indeed kind of ridiculous and childish. Plenty of people, however, actually ARE ridiculous and childish and it is not to deal with them ;-) As I have alredy said, this situation is not going to be an easy one to solve, I guess I just have to accept that it is going to take a long time...

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    pinkanimal [sign in to see picture]
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    from personal experience it doesn't matter how many people tell you you need to loose weight. Unless you want to yourself for yourself then you won't do it.

    I did though and I'm still not happy with my body!

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    capricorn13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Briona, you have already lost so much weight but seem to be still seeing yourself as you were before. This is a body image and confidence issue. I would advise you to dress to emphasise the parts of your body you like most -maybe your long legs or elegant shoulders- and disguise the bits you don't (in my case my tummy). You have so much going for you-intelligent, articulate etc- so try and focus on the positive. A negative outlook is often picked up on by others.

    Try to ignore the hurtful comments of the younger age group; they are clearly ignorant and not worth associating with. Maybe you should be looking for someone a little older than yourself; you sound more mature than many of your peers.

    Here on the forum you are among friends.

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    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    Briona, you say you're a size 12/16, well 16 is the average size in this country , I'm a size 16 again after losing just over 4 stone in the past 18 months and I was a size 16 when I met my husband over 30 years ago so I've kind of gone full circle. Obviously I do look a bit different since the ravages of giving birth to 3 very big babies resulting in a lot of stretchmarks on my tummy and a vertical incision hysterectomy has left me feeling a bit self concious about that area but I'm doing my best to tone up with exercise and I'm gradually starting to feel a little more confident.

    I think you've been really unlucky to have encountered such unpleasant men on dating sites, please do your best to ignore these ignorant, rude morons, bet they're not exactly Johnny Depp lookalikes themselves. Very few people are completely happy with the way they look and you're right about there being massive pressure on women especially to look perfect but in reality there are a lot of men out there who don't expect this level of mostly unattainable perfection and I'm sure there's a man for you who's just not been lucky enough to meet you yet

    If a man can see that you're a confident woman who accepts herself for who she is and how she looks that can be an attraction, you just need to gain that confidence and I know it's not easy but you can do it. I know it hurts but try not to waste your energy thinking about these shallow idiots x

    1405611298
    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    pinkanimal > I would love to get rid of more pounds, too, it's not only the others who say so. It takes more time than a tortoise would need to run the London marathon, though. ;-)

    capricorn13 > I suppose the greatest clothing option for me would therefore be a truly fab potato sack that would cover the area from my tummy to my toes - i can tell you I sincerely wish I had long legs instead of those comical appendages I have to use for walking. I get what you mean, though. It can prove difficult, however, when you meet silly girls who say stuff like "your face has been wasted on such a fat blob like you". I suppose that the fact I don't fight back when insulted can pose a bit of a problem - one could say it's a good habit not to pick arguments but on the other hand, it can also make you store all the suffering inside instead of letting the anger, sadness or disappointment out.

    There's probably something to your theory I shoul look for someone a bit older than myself (my mum says this as well), the slightly problematic bit is that once men find out I have never been in a relationship before, they tend to back off, deciding I apparently have the life experience of a kid instead of a truly grown-up woman they search for. I am not sure what can I do about this, somehow I doubt the problem is only on my side in such cases.

    wildflower > Some people tell me that it's horrible I have stretch marks and saggy belly even though I have (obviously) not yet given birth - I have been told that when I look like this already when I am childless, I will (I shall put it more politely than people usually say it) certainly turn into Captain Ahab's nemesis girthwise once I have a child. Ah well, what can one say to that? I generally reply that the cannot possibly know that but that's all I can do about it.

    However hard I try to act as if I looked more or less "normally", regardless of pretending I have a sense of humour, I don't seem to have any luck in the dating department. Sometimes, I tell myself that I will probably have to wait further twenty years or so - from what I know people around 50 tend to look for different qualities than physical beauty in ther potential partners unless they are foolish sugar daddies who pay beautiful but not overly intelligent girls in their 20s to share their beds. So, perhaps I might get a chance in later life.

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    Jazzam [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't really have time to reply properly, but just wanted to point out that if you have stretch marks now they more than likely wont get worse with a child - i got all of mine before I was 25weeks pregnant with my first and didnt gain a single extra mark with my second boy...

    There comes a time in life where you need to say "you know what, I'm not bothered." You know you've achieved so much. Be proud, and show the world that you ARE proud. Don't let them bully you into feeling inadequate because let's face it - it's not their body and not their problem and their opinion is invalid.

    I saw a girl walk down the street the other day, a slim size 12 but wobbly belly and deep red stretch marks the whole way across - she was wearing a short tank top whole stomach on show and even my partner have a second look and smiled he thought it was great she wasn't bothered by it!!

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    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    You know, it sounds like you've become so invested in these ideas that Antonio Banderas could walk up to you on the street and kiss you and you'd find a way to argue with him about it.

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    mnms [sign in to see picture]
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    Briona87 - There has been excellent advice given so far in this thread but I just wanted to throw in my 'fat girl' 2 cents worth :)

    My first sexual experiences were with a boy who used to bully me about my weight. He said my thighs were like tree trunks, that my body felt like a sack of potatoes and that if we were to have sex he would have to wear a blindfold. I let those words sink into my head and I believed him. It hurt me for such a long time after the relationship ended, and I hated myself so much to the point of having incredibly dark thoughts.

    I cut ties with this person and since then have had many lovers, none of whom have ever uttered anything similar to what the first guy did. I may have heard comments from people outside of the bedroom, and one boyfriend made me feel very ashamed of my eating habits, but it has never been a problem to find men who are sexually attracted to my fat body! That is not me being boastful, it is me pointing out that men simply do appreciate a naked body! They will usually be able to tell whether you are a size 8 or a size 16 from the outside so the ones that are sexually attracted to you already know that you are a curvy girl, and they love that!

    My point is, there will always be people who want to do you down, but you just have to keep on going. My sexual experiences began with an abusive, horrible person (who ended up putting on a lot of weight himself!) but now my sex life involves a very fit, healthy man who adores my curvy, chubby body. His favourite parts are all my least favourite parts (lower tummy, arms, etc) It's like his brain almost knows that those parts need the most love so he's made a subconscious sexual beeline for them!

    You will be constantly surprised just how much wonderful attention you can gain from men if you just put yourself out there and don't let them hurt you. Ignore the nasty comments, let them fade away whilst you concentrate on your healthy lifestyle and your exciting interests and just enjoy life. Your radiance and confidence will entice people to you and before long you will find your Mr Right

    1405689698
    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Jazzam > I will have to hope for the best, then. (BTW, sometimes I really wish I were a Brit - it's not only the paranoid (not-so-)little me who thinks that people in the UK tend to be far more friendly towards girthier people than over here :-( )

    rose hip > LOL, it sounds amusing if you put it this way. Actually, however unlikely or unbelievable it may sound, I have never even desired a kiss from any celebrity. Why? The answer is quite simple; people who have hundreds of thousands of fans just don't live in the same world as the rest of us. They get hugely overpaid (mostly a monetary compensation for a lack of privacy), are criticized should they let their fashion standards slip (while most "ordinary" people frankly don't care what others wear when they are out jogging, shopping for groceies or binning garbage bags) and thus have to spend inordinate amount of time to groom themselves, are constantly forced to meet too many people (noone can possibly manage to have THAT many friends or even aquintances without getting totally overwhelmed), they have to act the way people expect of such cool idols all the time... Eeek. I would never want to be famous or even be in the company of people who are constantly watched and judged by battalions of fans and photographers. Trust me, the idea of getting a kiss from a normal, nice, bright, moderately intellectual and somewhat overweight guy who doesn't wish to be lonely and who would be actually interested in me is far, far more appealing. I would always choose a translator, historian, schoolteacher, college librarian, .. (some other not very lucrative, slightly intellectual job typical for bookish people who don't seek much attention).. over anyone famous, really.

    mnms > Blindfold... yes... several times I have (how surprising, isn't it) been told by some fabulously mature guys that they seriously hope I don't ever go for a swim because if such whales went to the pool, there would be either no water left for other people to swim through, or everyone would have to swim with their eyes shut or wearing a blindfold. Fabulous and confidence boosting. As you say, I should try to ignore such remarks, try to enjoy myself and hope - it's a bit frustrating that it takes such a long time, though... Thanks for sharing your experience!

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    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    Briona87 wrote:

    rose hip > LOL, it sounds amusing if you put it this way. Actually, however unlikely or unbelievable it may sound, I have never even desired a kiss from any celebrity.

    Doesn't matter. Make it the person of your choice. Make it a stranger, make it anyone.

    The point I had hoped to make has nothing to do with celebrity. Nothing at all. It was about your tendency to argue rather than accept.

    Which is what you did here.

    Are you willing to stop?

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    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    rose hip > I wouldn't call that arguing. It's just... well... being sad that anything I tend to do is usually deemed insufficient in the end...Being sad that while I try to be "dateable" or "interesting", the outcome usually is something like "well, if you lose forty or fifty pounds, I might date you... if you don't, you cannot be surprised that noone wants you." I honestly wishe it weren't like this. I am really sorry if I have offended anyone.

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    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    Let's call it talking then. Stop and listen to us. Stop talking, stop writing. Really listen to us. Accept what we're saying. We have a lot of experience here and we really do know what we're talking about.

    Everything we put out, you bat down one way or another. Nothing in your life is going to change while you're still doing that. Because the problem isn't in your body. It's in the mental circles you get yourself stuck in.

    We're showing you a way out. Do you want to take it? Or would you rather continue as you are? The choice is yours.

    1405809560
    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    rose hip wrote:

    Let's call it talking then. Stop and listen to us. Stop talking, stop writing. Really listen to us. Accept what we're saying. We have a lot of experience here and we really do know what we're talking about.

    Everything we put out, you bat down one way or another. Nothing in your life is going to change while you're still doing that. Because the problem isn't in your body. It's in the mental circles you get yourself stuck in.

    We're showing you a way out. Do you want to take it? Or would you rather continue as you are? The choice is yours.

    +1

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    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    rose hip wrote:

    Let's call it talking then. Stop and listen to us. Stop talking, stop writing. Really listen to us. Accept what we're saying. We have a lot of experience here and we really do know what we're talking about.

    Everything we put out, you bat down one way or another. Nothing in your life is going to change while you're still doing that. Because the problem isn't in your body. It's in the mental circles you get yourself stuck in.

    We're showing you a way out. Do you want to take it? Or would you rather continue as you are? The choice is yours.

    I have been super busy lately (having recovered from my knee injury, I had to deal with stuff I had missed when more or less bed-bound (no BDSM pun intended)) so I couldn't get round to replying to this.

    Yes, I have been thinking about a lot of stuff some of you mentioned - it is, however, not exactly easy to start thinking in a completely different way straight away, one can hardly wave a magical wand and start everything from scratch. I agree that a part of my problem is in my head (though there are issues concerning my body that REALLY don't help me with my confidence - mostly excess skin everyone who has lost a lot of weight tends to have, that really is something that hardly anyone thinks exactly attractive) - even though I try to occupy myself as best as I can thoughout the day to put my mind off the "vicious cirlce" of loneliness related to having no partner, filling my time with both intellectual and manual activities, it is still quite frustrating to go to bed each night, feeling lonely. As many of you recommend me, I am going to try harder still not to think about feeling ashamed and inadequate and to find some more positive stimuli but it is nevertheless going to take a long time.

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    Jazzam [sign in to see picture]
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    I actually have another issue, you mentioned earlier about wanting someone more intellectually challenging - I think you are shutting a lot of people out with this concept - not giving them a chance to know you or you to know them.
    Of course a partner needs to hold a conversation and be interesting - but you'd be surprised if you just give people a chance!!
    My partner never even set foot in high school and wasnt home schooled either - his education completely ended for him when he was 12... But he's interested in the world and enjoys nothing more than talking to me, listening to me, trying to understand the things I tell him.
    Love knows no bounds, but you must learn to love and love to learn - more than just what is in the books, but also what is in the world for you.

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    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    It's only as hard as you make it, Briona.

    The choice really is yours.

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    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Jazzam > This is a difficult one indeed... My upbringing has moulded me into a rather peculiar creature who has always been encouraged to study, learn, read and think about... welll... pretty much everything by people who have (had) specialized in a number of (mildly to moderately intellectually) challenging fields - historians, technical experts, doctors, economists, pastors, schoolteachers (...) and their friends and acquaintances. Sadly enough, they seem to have managed to make me interested in WAY too many things which makes me a bit... overwhelming. I love languages (and I love to talk about languages, ranging from fine details of a relatively "ordinary" ones like English or German to Ancient Greek and Hebrew which I am trying to learn at least a bit - for study purposes), history, unusual sociological phenomena as well as natural sciences). Even when I try to talk to them, most people think I am a weirdo (I love to bring up history- and literature-related jokes, sadly enough, not many people seem to appreciate it) and simply walk away (my relatives and many other older people generally claim that most young men are scared of me because I seem to know too much). I know it sounds somewhat unusual but my hobbies have caused that I usually get along very well with middle aged people (folks at the uni, historians...) but most youngish people either ignore me, or use me as a living encyclopedia. And very few people are attracted to encyclopedias.

    I have always tried to talk to a variety of people (mostly men, of course), both online and "in the real life". Many men tend to conclude that I am incredibly boring - I much prefer reading to partying and that seems to be something that is simply off-putting for most people. The patricularly problematic bit is that I only seem to be attracted (and people are attracted to many traits ranging from physical to emotional and intellectual ones, why not this one, then) to men I can have a good conversation with, one that shows that both participants can talk about pretty much anything while creatively using elements of subtle humour - and there are very few men who I can feel good with who are not significantly older and happily married And those few who are single tend to see me as a friend but never as a potential date. Sometimes I wonder if that would be so if I were less... girthy - but that sort of thinking would take me back into the above mentioned vicious circle I have been forbidden to ponder about too much so I guess I should stop my train of thought right now.

    I guess I will have to wait until I am lucky enough to meet one who's kinky enough to have a penchant for encyclopedias. And since many such books tend to be rather weighty, I might actually stand a fairly good chance ;-)

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