• The psychology of sex.

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    Cowboy81 [sign in to see picture]
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    This is why this community is great. People opening up and sharing similar situations and discussing how to improve their lives and the lives of those they love.

    Kudos and best wished to both of you on your journeys!

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    Cowboy81 wrote:

    This is why this community is great. People opening up and sharing similar situations and discussing how to improve their lives and the lives of those they love.

    Kudos and best wished to both of you on your journeys!

    Cheers cowboy you have a good one.

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Gentle giant wrote:

    LadyS wrote:

    Using my own experience as context I would be inclined to say keep trying, even if it's only a case of reiterating that anytime she thinks of anything she'd like to do/try then just to say the word and it's done. If my husband had suddenly stopped showing his willingness to do other things, I think I would have felt less comfortable speaking up when the time came.

    It was the safety of knowing that he was willing to give most things a go that made me think 'okay I can do this, i can ask for what i fancy trying.'

    Thanks again LadyS. Nothing I didn't really know I guess thanks for the reassurance, especially from a woman. We have been married for 25 years. I took her away to wonderful hotel for a long weekend. We talked and talked and made a lot of love. I had hoped this would do it. She has read erotic books Shades ect. Bought her an iPad so she can download them. She has read around 50 now.We have never looked at porn together this is something she says she would like to do, but even I as a confident bloke can't just say "porn tonight darling" like let's watch a film. I want her to ask for it.

    I do think part of it is in her heart she is submissive. She does like me to take control I know that. I have told her she could do anything to me. She could tie me up, I would love for her to take control just occasionally. We have discussed a couple of scenario's. Yes I can and would like to do that she says. I could initiate them but I want her to do them because she wants it. Sorry to ramble on but it is so important to me. We have a wonderful life , she is brilliant at every thing else mum, daughter, sister and wife. She works with disadvantage children. Just not enough me time for herself.

    One thing she has said is we might not like what we let out of the box. We think we know each other inside out. She has on just a couple of occasions made remarks about an uncle or someone like that giving her the creeps and trying to touch here up as a child. Do most women have some sort of occasions like this. I didn't think it needed talking about but she knows I would.

    Rambling now thanks again.

    It is really strange to hear someone else being described and see so much of myself in the description. I think I am naturally more submissive than I am dominant, I think if I'd have met a man who was naturally much more dominant than me, I think I would have found that a lot easier to handle than having to find a more dominant side to myself.

    I always thought I'd like to tie my husband up, but I never could have suggested it. Just recently he said 'just tie me and do whatever takes your fancy.' Once he was tied up it was much easier to just feel free to do whatever came into my head. A blindfold makes a difference to, knowing he isn't go to suddenly look at me. I'm still working on eye contact, makes me feel very open and bare.

    I do sometimes think that in being everything to everyone else, we forget to nurture ourselves. Especially if your natural inclination is to care for people, which it sounds like your wife's is. I'm the same, always seems easier to prioritise doing something for some else instead of myself. I actually feel a little guilty when I put any 'me time' above other things. I think this in a way is a learned behaviour from growing up. My mum and my nan before her, both spent their entire lives putting others care before themselves. Sadly by the time I had lost them both. Other than my husband and child I have no one else that I willing to put before me anymore, so I suppose that as weighed in on my change of heart. Not a great reason to have found sexual freedom, but it was it is.

    When I read the bit about the creep uncle, I wanted to say no, surely we don't all have an experience like that. Then I remember the time I was felt up by a total stanger on the tube in London. I was with my dad, and for the life of me I will never understand why I didn't say something. Not just then, but ever. Never told my mum, never told a friend, not a soul. Yet I still remember it vividly. So it has obviously stuck with me. Maybe if I had brought it up I would have got an open and honest conversation about sex. Which I never got. I knew it went on (unfortunately I heard my mum and step-dads live show more than once - eek!) but all the conversation we had were very superficial.

    I know from talking to her later in life, that my mum didn't get what all the fuss was about. I wonder now if she maybe had similar struggles to me and never worked on them. So I can see from that point of view why she wouldn't have imparted any wisdom to me about sexual happiness. Something I know I will be addressing very differently with my little one. Even more so if I ever have a little girl.

    Sounds like she definitely has some things she is holding back, if she is saying you might not like what you let out the box. Part of my problem is that I'm naturally very secretive. A lot of the time for no reason at all. There are still things I haven't discussed with my husband. Nothing major, nothing that would alter our relationship, which makes it seem even stranger that i don't discuss them, but it's like I have a secret box inside and it's just for me. I am trying to lessen what I hold in, but it's mighty hard to change the habit of a lifetime.

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    Well LadyS. I just don't know what to post. I can't believe I am posting to a total stranger who is so simular in psychological make up to my wife. I have so many questions. We do have a daughter and our family,s openness is shocking and intimidating to our friends and family. I only know this as they have told us. My wife and I made a rule we would answer anything the kids want to know. So at the dinner table in front of friends our 12 year old daughter wants to know what a coil is ,we explain it to her between dinner and dessert.

    I am so glad for you that after 10 years you have found yourself. I think the little bit of secretivness is so true. She tells me she is in ore of me, thinks I am so clever and wonderful. Yet I would give all this praise just to see her really let go.

    I spend a lot of time when around her watching her and just being there to talk too. We talk about a lot, but I am always waiting for the day she just says" f*ck me".

    Your mum's are very different In Personality though. My MIL is totally selfish and lazy. She was an only daughter who's father dotted on her then my FIL took over and did everything for her. When I came on the scene 30 years ago she was already playing the sick old lady that couldn't do anything for her self at 40. Never worked, rude and expected to be waited on hand and foot. Some how my wife keeps this up, her sister is just like her mother so they don't get on but my OH trys to keep them both happy. They have both told her that its ok for my wife because she is happy. My MIL rampted it up when she lost her husband, yes it is very sad and I have supported her as much as possible. She has put even more on my wife, missing the fact that her daughter was hurting just as much. My wife gave her father his wish, he died of lung cancer my wife nursed him in his own home and was there at the end as he passed holding his hand. His wife and other daughter couldn't face it. The McMillan nurses told me it was a very rare and brave thing my Wife did.

    I just think it is her time now. She once had a discussion with her mum about sex. Her mum had said to her she felt sorry for her dad that they couldn't have sex any more because she had a bad hip. This was as we got married so my Wife said to her about giving him a HJ or a BJ. Oh no that's filthy and disgusting. My wife never talked to her about sex again. That level of antisex has to rub off on a daughter.

    My wife had 3 sexual partners before me she tells me she just used to lie there. It took me 5 years to convince her that me giving her oral was because I liked it. I can remember telling her once as she tried to push me away I wasn't doing it for her it was for me because I love doing it. Thanks again for posting rather than rabbit on I must think of some proper questions to explore how best to help her.

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    I know it's a funny old world isn't it. It is refreshing for me to be able to discuss these things though, and I certainly can't see these sorts of conversations happening with my friends. As wonderful as they are, they don't go in for this kind of chat.

    It is so good to hear that people are honestly answering their childrens questions about these things. I know my mum would have answered questions if I had asked, but bless her, by the time I was 16 I think I knew more than her. Myself and my husband both agree that we want to answer all questions we are asked honestly, and give our child (or children if we are blessed with more) all the information they need to be safe and happy. My poor hubby wasn't even allowed semi-naked posters in his room, and his parents never ever discussed sex with him. Have since found his dad is pretty kinky, so I find it weird he was so reserved about things.

    You both sounds so into each other and so adoring that there seems like there are endless possibilities for what you can achieve together. It also sounds like you have already helped her with her confidence and enjoyment of sex so much already, why shouldn't that extra leap be possible.

    I am not massively or experienced or amazingly eloquent like some of the forum members, some posts literally blow my mind they are so full of good information and so well written, I am however more than happen to chat about the things I do know (which probably isn't much, lol) and how I see things.

    I see on another post you have big plans this weekend, enjoy :)

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    Mary Kitty Cat [sign in to see picture]
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    I find sex fascinating. I have been on a real journey of self discovery recently (last two years) and learned all sorts about myself. I never believed men really enjoyed performing oral sex on a woman - now I know some men love it! I have also discovered that I really enjoy giving a blow job. It is the reaction and feedback I particularly enjoy. I have discovered that I can have clitoral, vaginal, gspot and nipple orgasms, although clitoral is the reliable one still. I have also become a squirter and discovered that deep throating a guy also makes me squirt. Why? I have absolutely no idea!

    But what fascinates me more than anything is the elusive chemistry between people. Why can a kiss from one guy make you melt and quiver and another guy leave you cold? I have also discovered that strong physical attraction isn't necessarily an ingredient either! I have had the honour of being kissed by some beautiful men over the years and some very ordinary men too. Some of the most ordinary ones blew my socks off! I love having my nipples played with and sucked. It is probably the biggest turn on for me. Again, some men are brilliant at it and some not! You cannot predict how you will respond physically to someone until they touch you. I really believe in the power of the brain and have become massively turned on just by texting someone! Sharing erotic scenarios can be great fun.

    I also really like men who talk during sex. I don't mean dirty talk as such (I find insulting or degrading talk just that - massive turn off!) but feedback on what I'm doing or how I feel. Also I find men who say my name during sex hugely appealing. I cannot do it myself for some reason!

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    LadyS wrote:

    I know it's a funny old world isn't it. It is refreshing for me to be able to discuss these things though, and I certainly can't see these sorts of conversations happening with my friends. As wonderful as they are, they don't go in for this kind of chat.

    It is so good to hear that people are honestly answering their childrens questions about these things. I know my mum would have answered questions if I had asked, but bless her, by the time I was 16 I think I knew more than her. Myself and my husband both agree that we want to answer all questions we are asked honestly, and give our child (or children if we are blessed with more) all the information they need to be safe and happy. My poor hubby wasn't even allowed semi-naked posters in his room, and his parents never ever discussed sex with him. Have since found his dad is pretty kinky, so I find it weird he was so reserved about things.

    You both sounds so into each other and so adoring that there seems like there are endless possibilities for what you can achieve together. It also sounds like you have already helped her with her confidence and enjoyment of sex so much already, why shouldn't that extra leap be possible.

    I am not massively or experienced or amazingly eloquent like some of the forum members, some posts literally blow my mind they are so full of good information and so well written, I am however more than happen to chat about the things I do know (which probably isn't much, lol) and how I see things.

    I see owwwn another post you have big plans this weekend, enjoy :)

    You have hit the nail right on the head after showing her how to enjoy herself in mind and body shared and done things in her own words, never new existed. I just can't understand how she cannot believe there is so much more. She asks me how do I know, I have tried everything I can think of to explain to her. I wondered as you know I can talk to her about anything if you can give me woman's angle to explain it to her?

    You both sound an amazing couple too and would make wonderful perants. The reward is incredible. My eldest now still loves nothing more than to bring his girlfriend to our house and share in our lives. I do feel sorry for the poor gal who is a little shy. But she does keep coming back for more.

    As I have posted before, just concerned I am undermining what we have by keep pushing. I am really worried that she keeps saying I always thought I would never be enough for you. That some how everything we have she perceives is still short of what I want. Just because I would love her to let go and find herself sexual.

    I admire you you greatly and wish she could just do the same.

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi mkc, I could agree more sex totally fascinates me too. So much so it taught me to read. As a young teen struggling at school ,I realized in order to learn and educate myself about sex I needed to read.

    It never ceases to amaze me at what turns us on. The little things a movement, sound or feel can make us think about wanting sex. Once you trust, love and know some inside out how you can tease and nurture them sexualy.the extreme things we are able to do and say. How each person's arousal is made by different things.

    For me it is the female form, I guess just the way we were designed for evolution to desire and reproduce. Some women find it creepy to be looked at if undesired. Please try to understand its what we are programmed to do. This is were I think mine is extreme and very focused on my wife. On occasions any thing she does I can relate to arousal. Then when she is naked I cannot think of anything man made or in nature so beautiful. The curves, the softness. The back the way it slopes into the top of the buttocks then the fullness and rounded contour of the bum area. Breast how we don't have them so we are intreaged by them how when a woman is turned on the nipples become erect and the bust swells. It's gentle slope down to the mons region. I find the mons a very erotic thing to look at, how it bulges out then dips in towards the vulva then the thighs rise back out. All just an intoxicating sexual eroticism. Not to mention hair ,eyes and nails.

    All of this and we havnt even started on the pussy or arse. I have to say just about the most erotic thing there can be is a women opening her legs. It's says so many things. She is aroused. She is giving you permission to look, feel and taste. A woman has to open her legs for you to be able to see her most intimate part. The scent is just all consuming it just screams sex. I can think of nothing that comes near to the actual feel of a woman who is ready for sex. Wet , engorged and open. The feel of the heat , the slippery wrinkles of flesh as it disappears into the inner folds. All consuming electrifying arousal.

    All of this is natural and preprogramed, there is very little we can do to stop it or change it. Why would you want too.

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    Cowboy81 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey GG,

    I wanted to offer a thought. As I have read this thread it sounds like our wives are very similar (even to the statement about not liking where it leads or what we let out of the box).

    I wanted to offer two things that made a difference in my wife and then a couple thoughts I had to change about myself.

    For her:
    1. I started to be more vocal during sex. Small things, not "dirty", just vocal. "that feels nice", "do you like that", "I love you". That last one may sound funny but since I was young and I know it is cliche' for a man to say "i love you" just to get sex I had never said I love you during sex (or foreplay) in our first 15yrs together. So I creaeted an atmosphere of openeess just by talking a bit more.
    2. I told her I knew she wanted to please me, and what would please me tonight was for her to tell me everything she wanted. So I did nothing she did not ask for, all the way down to kissing. She had to tell me everything. The first few times we did this she was intemidated but I created a light atmosphere and was a bit playful about it and each time she was able to think it through a bit more and more.

    For us guys:
    1. it is not a personal! - I had to learn that it was not a matter of her wanting or liking what we were doing or even a matter of trusting me, or "caring" but rather she genuinely wanted to please me more than she had ever even considered what she liked or enjoyed. She started masterbating as an adult to tease me and let me watch (which was a big step then).
    2. She does not have resentment or unfullfilled desires or fantasies - that was a big part of my driving concern; I thought she was just not letting me in. In fact she had never sat and sorted in her mind what she wanted, so she had nothing to say to me on the matter.
    3. I did lots of Q/A sessions (both during and post sex) before she ever asked me the first quesiton or had the first idea.
    4. I had to remember not to be consumed with what could be or what would be that I missed the present. I did this for a bit, it made her feel pressured to do this to please me and was counter productive. Sometimes, just let it ride. I did explain to her that I find a large part of my emotional economy in being what she needs, thus I get great satisfaction from knowing I have pleased her. I want to be enough for her. This helped her see we were both being reserve and focusing on the other. If she wanted me to help her please me, she had to help me please her. Make sense?

    Cheers mate

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    Cowboy spot on, friend request sent.

    But did you get" you are are over analysing it" "why try and fix what ain't broke".?

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Cowboy81 wrote:

    Hey GG,

    I wanted to offer a thought. As I have read this thread it sounds like our wives are very similar (even to the statement about not liking where it leads or what we let out of the box).

    I wanted to offer two things that made a difference in my wife and then a couple thoughts I had to change about myself.

    For her:
    1. I started to be more vocal during sex. Small things, not "dirty", just vocal. "that feels nice", "do you like that", "I love you". That last one may sound funny but since I was young and I know it is cliche' for a man to say "i love you" just to get sex I had never said I love you during sex (or foreplay) in our first 15yrs together. So I creaeted an atmosphere of openeess just by talking a bit more.
    2. I told her I knew she wanted to please me, and what would please me tonight was for her to tell me everything she wanted. So I did nothing she did not ask for, all the way down to kissing. She had to tell me everything. The first few times we did this she was intemidated but I created a light atmosphere and was a bit playful about it and each time she was able to think it through a bit more and more.

    For us guys:
    1. it is not a personal! - I had to learn that it was not a matter of her wanting or liking what we were doing or even a matter of trusting me, or "caring" but rather she genuinely wanted to please me more than she had ever even considered what she liked or enjoyed. She started masterbating as an adult to tease me and let me watch (which was a big step then).
    2. She does not have resentment or unfullfilled desires or fantasies - that was a big part of my driving concern; I thought she was just not letting me in. In fact she had never sat and sorted in her mind what she wanted, so she had nothing to say to me on the matter.
    3. I did lots of Q/A sessions (both during and post sex) before she ever asked me the first quesiton or had the first idea.
    4. I had to remember not to be consumed with what could be or what would be that I missed the present. I did this for a bit, it made her feel pressured to do this to please me and was counter productive. Sometimes, just let it ride. I did explain to her that I find a large part of my emotional economy in being what she needs, thus I get great satisfaction from knowing I have pleased her. I want to be enough for her. This helped her see we were both being reserve and focusing on the other. If she wanted me to help her please me, she had to help me please her. Make sense?

    Cheers mate

    I think Cowboy makes some amazing points. Especially the bit in bold. My husband never did this before, but I think it really would have helped me come out of myself a bit sooner if he did. Ironically he has started doing it now, when I need a lot less encouragement, lol.

    I don't think I can add anything really to what Cowboy has said. All the points he has made are pretty much how I've felt for last 10 years. His last point explains perfectly what shifted in my mind i think. I wish my husband could have put it in those words to me a long time ago, would have saved me having to figure it our for myself.

    Hope you both have a great weekend :)

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    Morning LadyS I have sent a friend request it is genuinely meant. Your time taken to read my my posts, contemplate a reply then write down your thoughts (knowing how like me to express your self in words does not come easily) is greatly appreciated.

    I know that I may sound a little desperate. Please try and imagine another 15 years on to your own awakening. Me knowing and nurturing all that time. Being tantalising so close. Then to find a woman and another man(cowboy) who know exactly what it is you are on about. Complete strangers who care enough to want to help. Is a real revelation for me, I am so used to having to help others I guess I am a little guilty of not taking some me time too.

    Like you I have 2 very good life time friends but this is not something they would understand. In fact with matters of the heart and sex they both come to me. The one is a train wreck with relationships( all his issues are childhood related. He could do with some counselling really). But he is very old fashioned male chauvinist, stiff upper lip and don't show your emotions type. All so tight, why should I pay for it when I can come to you. I have told him on many occasions I am not a professional and he should go. Very sad he feels great amounts of abandonment. As a 12 year old his father died in front of him from a massive heart attack whilst digging the garden. His mom was out and he sat with the body for hours before his mum came home. His mum died a few years later.he lived with his nan and she died when he was 18. He then had nobody. It makes me so great full for my extended family. Who have excepted him in. We are not religious but my son wrote him a letter asking him to be his god father he cried for weeks thinking about it. Rambling on to you again.

    This weekend well kind of got going on what you have both have suggested. I asked here to txt me( she is good at writting) what she would like to do to me. It's kind of worked. I am going to be tied to a chair with something inserted in me which she can control. Whilst she carries out a list of things she would like to do. One the most important to me is designed for her to orgasm whilst I can't do anything to help. So her taking her own pleasure from me. We were very excited last night but she insisted we abstain to heighten to nights pleasure. That was so hard to do. Still found myself groping her in the middle of the night.

    How about you anything nice planned ?

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    I am very pleased to accept your friend request :) It has been nice to form a kind of genuine connection with someone on here about something of importance.

    Sounds like your weekend is going to be really good. After a night of abstaining I am sure it will be very exciting. We are rubbish at abstaining, but we must try it one time at least.

    Well I had lots of wonderful things planned for this weekend as it is my husbands birthday on Monday, but mother nature has thrown a spanner in the works and sent my TOTM early. I cannot being to express how cross I am. It can mostly all happen another time, but just disappointing as I had all planned for so long.

    So will just go for plying him with his favourites foods, bake him a cake and lots of BJ's. He doesn't know what else I had planned so won't know what he's missing, lol.

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    LadyS wrote:

    I am very pleased to accept your friend request :) It has been nice to form a kind of genuine connection with someone on here about something of importance.

    Sounds like your weekend is going to be really good. After a night of abstaining I am sure it will be very exciting. We are rubbish at abstaining, but we must try it one time at least.

    Well I had lots of wonderful things planned for this weekend as it is my husbands birthday on Monday, but mother nature has thrown a spanner in the works and sent my TOTM early. I cannot being to express how cross I am. It can mostly all happen another time, but just disappointing as I had all planned for so long.

    So will just go for plying him with his favourites foods, bake him a cake and lots of BJ's. He doesn't know what else I had planned so won't know what he's missing, lol.

    Oh no, well spring a birthday mark2 on him in the next weekend or two. Sorry best laid plans at all that. When we went away for our 25th anniversary my wife was due. So she went an got a pill from the Doctor( who was very understanding). I didn't want her to take it, had heard all sorts of bad stories about it side effects. But she was fine and we had an amazing weekend.

    We have just had a lovely walk with our dogs and I did broach this evening. She is so nervous. I have told her whatever she does will be fantastic. I used the quote cowboy said. What will please me most is to see her pleasing herself. I think she got it. She is still girlish embarrassed about talking in the daylight about it. This still endear's her to me. I hope this helped. I told her to try and focus her nervousness and embarrassment into arousal. I have also told her if she just can't do it it's ok, we will try another time. I will still make love to her.

    I do have one little mental niggle whilst Ian thrilled to discuss this with you both. Not sure what my Wife would think. How would this effected you before if you found out hubby was discussing with a woman on line? We share everything.

    He is a very lucky hubby that even with TOM you want to please him. I know that many woman can't stand being intimate at this time. Have a great weekend.

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Hard to say how I would have reacted I guess, but while I may have suffered from self-confidence issues, I've never for one moment had anything less than 100% confidence in my hubby. So knowing he only ever tries to do what is best for me/us I would like to think that I would have uderstood his shaing. Especially when it happens in an organic way, one subject, leads to another etc. Plus it's all very discreet and anonymous. It's not as if anyone would see me in the street and know me. I suppose it could be a tricky one though.

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi LadyS, I think she has taken her first steps. We had to wait untill gone midnight our eldest was still up. I thought she would use this as an excuse but not at all let's have a bath together whilst we wait , she suggested. I ran the bath she was in our bed room sorting something. When I want into room a shortime later it was all set up but on the bed with pillows. She taped my hands over my head and then spent 50 minutes teasing me in one form or another whilst having a butt plug in me. I could see by the look in her eyes she was enjoying it, she was also talking to me..

    We had a long chat today. She did enjoy it and really wants to do it again. I asked her about nerves and confidence. She new she was being silly and they all faded away in 5minutes of starting. But will start again before next time but should be easier to get over.

    I am hopeful we have made a good step in the right direction

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    Alastor [sign in to see picture]
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    That sounds like really good news GG.

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    That sounds like a really positive experience, very pleased to hear a good time was had :)

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you Al and LadyS.:)

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    Zing444 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi GG....thanks for your friend request which OH&I accept happily....we have a sense that you are a "wise owl" of the LH community, a calm centre of experience and commonsense with a good dash of human decency (we've been following some of your threads with Lady S.....). We may not possess your level of insight and may not contribute as much as you so evidently do to a number of LH friends but we are happy to join in whenever we can.....

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