• The psychology of sex.

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    When we are young fit and relatively new to sex we think about it all the time but it's just about doing it. I also wondered what older people did if anything at all. I am thrilled to say given all the right opportunities your sex life evolves and improves. With a deep trusting and loving relationship your love love goes to places I had never even dreamt of. The mind becomes the biggest sex organ. Thinking of how we can please our partners and what we would like to do to them. All so what new things we would like to try and feel. The mental tease of sexting, emails and planning your next sexual encounter.

    But despite all this and on many occasions thinking what your OH's thinking without talking. Sometimes sexually you can be miles apart in what you think the other person wants. So after my ramblings my question to all you lovely sexy people is this. Do women and men get the same thing from sex are we so different ? Woman are from Venus men from mars ect..

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    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    Is this another one where I'm weird? When I was young I thought just in terms of relationships. Am more likely to think about sex for the sake of sex now. Maybe because having a relationship again isn't exactly likely?

    I think differences between men and women are mostly a bell curve thing. The averages may differ but there's a lot of overlap.

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Rose Hip not at all weird, this is just the reason why I asked the question. Thanks for your answer.

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    Brooke. [sign in to see picture]
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    I think analysing men vs. women is very complex buisness...we obviously have the hormonal differences that influence our experiences but I believe even this is questionable. Women can be poles apart from other women and im sure the same applies to men too. The trick is finding the compatibility between the partners that makes a relationship work, hence why some may grow old loosing all sexual contact and others that will continue to the grave!

    Apologies if I've gone off track, but thats my interpretation! Haha

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    naughtywildfun90 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think men and women aren't so different when it comes to sex, obviously we have different organs etc... But personally I think the psychology of sex is different for every single person depending on how they were brought up, what they were exposed to growing up.....personally there are certain things I don't like to do but I know the exact reasons I don't like it. (Experiences from childhood) xx

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    jeffngloria [sign in to see picture]
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    Talking of psychology of sex , why do funerals and grief make you so horny , is it your brain telling you on some sub conscious level to pro create , do you find grief makes you want sex ? Does it affect females too ? Any thoughts ?

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    Cowboy81 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think the bell curve is a great example. We are on the same path but the outliars are a bit different; thus we are on different slopes of the same wave.

    I know for me and MRS we BOTH are very focused on pleasing the other, so much so we spent most of the first part of our relationship not paying attention to ourselves. We could tell you how the other responded to stimuli more than our own selves. Also we both wanted sex for the pleasure of the action AND the relationship.

    That being said, I was more driven when younger, she needed to build the trust to blossom and allow herself to enjoy anything and everything. Also self conciesness was a large distractor for her. I assume more so for women (other side of the curve).

    As for death/grief... it does not cause that reaction in me.

    Great topic!

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    I think I have only recently realised quite how deep and complex this subject is. I have been sexually active for 10 years and always thought I was enjoying it, but sadly no big-O for me. So just thought I was built for it.

    However, I am goig to be 30 in november and suddenly woke up one day and was like 'sod this, i want more, need more and I'm not getting all the pleasure i can.' No idea where it came from, it was like someone had flicked a switch in my brain.

    My poor husband suddenly had to deal with mulitple requests for spanking, tying up, anal play and dirty talk. Some of which he had been asking me to do for years, but mentally i just couldn't relax enough to do it. Honestly in the space oft hose 10 years I think I said pussy 5 times. Now I can happily use it in my requests.

    I have noticed since I have changed that possibly some of the issues were down to the difference between how me and my hubby view sex. I have come to understand that I need the long foreplay, kissing, the soft with the rough, my mind being stimulated is as important if not more important. where as my hubby's focus is the main act, and he could quite happily go straight to penetration and straight to it being hard and rough. Now don't get me wrong that it nice sometimes, but not everytime.

    I find I am having to try and train his brain to realise that doing all the 'extras' is necessary if he wants the kind of sex he enjoys once we are at the penetration point. It is hard work and he has a tendancy to rush ahead, and think we are done with the foreplay.

    We are definitely very different in how our brains are wired when it comes to sex, is that because he's male and i'm female, no idea. I am hoping he also has a changing moment like did where he becomes like some of the guys on here, I absolutely love reading about how much you guys enjoy giving your wives/partners pleasure, it so lovely. He's only 33 so I think there is hope for him yet :)

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    jeffngloria wrote:

    Talking of psychology of sex , why do funerals and grief make you so horny , is it your brain telling you on some sub conscious level to pro create , do you find grief makes you want sex ? Does it affect females too ? Any thoughts ?

    I don't get this but my hubby does. In fact he reacts this way to anything bad, grief, stress, arguements, he reckons sex makes everything better and his mind clearer.

    personally though if I feel bad, I just can't feel turned on.

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    Cowboy81 [sign in to see picture]
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    LadyS wrote:

    My poor husband suddenly had to deal with mulitple requests for spanking, tying up, anal play and dirty talk.

    Yeah... poor fella. hehe, I am certain he will find a way to manage =)

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Cowboy81 wrote:

    LadyS wrote:

    My poor husband suddenly had to deal with mulitple requests for spanking, tying up, anal play and dirty talk.

    Yeah... poor fella. hehe, I am certain he will find a way to manage =)

    Yeah, he seems to be coping okay so far, once the shock subsided and he realised the 'new wife' was here to stay he was a happy bunny :)

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    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    If this is a wrong answer then apologies speaking from some who has to solo pleasure due to health reasons hubbies not mine I am happily married I was getting a bit bored and thinking why bother, however since my new crush my horniness has gone through the roof, bit a funny one the mind I get turned on by watching not porn but the guy I fancy then imagination takes over, writing a story about us, which is going to be massive and that is a massive turned on.

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    jeffngloria wrote:

    Talking of psychology of sex , why do funerals and grief make you so horny , is it your brain telling you on some sub conscious level to pro create , do you find grief makes you want sex ? Does it affect females too ? Any thoughts ?

    It's a jumble of emotions that have manifested its self in the need for intimacy/ sex. Grief is a very powerful emotion and it makes us all act in different ways. Just holding a loved one that is in need of this sort of extreme support is very intense. Nothing wrong with it.

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    jeffngloria wrote:

    Talking of psychology of sex , why do funerals and grief make you so horny , is it your brain telling you on some sub conscious level to pro create , do you find grief makes you want sex ? Does it affect females too ? Any thoughts ?

    I believe the answer to this is as follows:

    When you lose something, your natural response is to want to bond with the ones you love. Feeling horny after funerals and other shocks to the system is our way of reaching out, trying to pull close the ones we love around us and for a short while, to experience someone loving us and making is feel good. I think this might be why.

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I think men and women get the same things from sex, relationships and intimacy, (We all want to feel pleasure, feel loved, have companionship etc) I just think it sometimes appears that we want different things because of the way we act or react to things that happen around us. The societal pressure of what it is to be a man, or a woman, plus the natural differences in how we process things and how our minds work, cause us to act very differently to the same things we approach. I think we all have feelings, we all experience the same emotions but the way we act or react to those stimuli can be different. This makes it seem men are from mars, women from venus. Is this making any sense? lol

    So deep down I think we are all the same, but society, peer groups, parenting, our experiences in life and our hormones and brain make up etc...all teach us how to be the people we turn out to be. I also believe the mind is the biggest sex organ.

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    LadyS wrote:

    I think I have only recently realised quite how deep and complex this subject is. I have been sexually active for 10 years and always thought I was enjoying it, but sadly no big-O for me. So just thought I was built for it.

    However, I am goig to be 30 in november and suddenly woke up one day and was like 'sod this, i want more, need more and I'm not getting all the pleasure i can.' No idea where it came from, it was like someone had flicked a switch in my brain.

    My poor husband suddenly had to deal with mulitple requests for spanking, tying up, anal play and dirty talk. Some of which he had been asking me to do for years, but mentally i just couldn't relax enough to do it. Honestly in the space oft hose 10 years I think I said pussy 5 times. Now I can happily use it in my requests.

    I have noticed since I have changed that possibly some of the issues were down to the difference between how me and my hubby view sex. I have come to understand that I need the long foreplay, kissing, the soft with the rough, my mind being stimulated is as important if not more important. where as my hubby's focus is the main act, and he could quite happily go straight to penetration and straight to it being hard and rough. Now don't get me wrong that it nice sometimes, but not everytime.

    I find I am having to try and train his brain to realise that doing all the 'extras' is necessary if he wants the kind of sex he enjoys once we are at the penetration point. It is hard work and he has a tendancy to rush ahead, and think we are done with the foreplay.

    We are definitely very different in how our brains are wired when it comes to sex, is that because he's male and i'm female, no idea. I am hoping he also has a changing moment like did where he becomes like some of the guys on here, I absolutely love reading about how much you guys enjoy giving your wives/partners pleasure, it so lovely. He's only 33 so I think there is hope for him yet :)

    MrsS. Great post. Good on you and good luck.

    Have Allways wanted to make my Wife happy and many of the things you describe reach a chord with me. We have a wonderful life, love each other very much, sole mates best friends. Our love life is great, but she just can't really let go. She doesn't get it. Over the years she has loosened up and we do more and more intimate things. She does orgasm most of the time when we make love, but it's nearly always me that initiates. She's not lazy she is a wonderful lover, but she is a very maternal and wants to please me. I want to know her fantasy's turn ons and full fill them for her. She just says so long as I a m happy she is.

    We communicate at the highest level so when I raise this she thinks something is wrong and it makes her feel bad. She doesn't understand what I want. She says I am searching for something she can't give and makes her feel I am not happy. This simply isn't true. I am concerned that years of confidence building an assurance, that she is all I ever wanted could end up being undone.

    What you describe is what I think she is missing. She lost her father 2 years ago and still grieves for him. In dealing with my mother in law because she has been looked after all her life by her father then her husband. Is now unable to run her own affairs bank, utilities council ect. It has dawned on me that my wife's strict up bringing and her mother's views on sex are the main cause of my wife's deeply ingrained reserved and dirty thoughts about sex and her body.

    My wife says she has nothing more to give and she gets upset thinking she is not enough for me. She still says she has to pinch herself sometimes wondering why I chose her. In any other walk of life she is confident, she says that's because I am behind her. I told her the other day about how I think here mothers views have held here back, it didn't help. She now thinks that the early years of our love life were rubbish for me. I Can and will wait, is it wrong of me to just know that these things you describe will be hers one day? Or should I be happy and grateful for what we have and shut up.

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Aw, GG, your last post brought a tear to my eye. Your wife sounds very similar in some respects to me.

    I have spent the last 10 years having almost that exact same type of relationship with my husband, we talk honestly and openly about anything and everything. But the minute he would ask me to talk about the sex I wanted, what really turned me on, even what really didn't turn me on, I just couldn't do it. I had it all in my head, but I just couldn't get the words to leave my mouth.

    It was a rare occassion if I initiated anything, and it wasn't due to lack of desire, it was literally as if there was a barrier coming straight from my mind and stopping my body from following through on any desires I had.

    I also had a lot to deal with as a youngster, nothing serious compared to what others suffer, but looking back I think it stunted my ability to develop this side of myself openly and honestly. I was too busy dealing with other peoples issues to focus on myself.

    I felt exactly how your wife has said she does, my husband would ask and ask, and I would be telling him that whatever he was looking for from me wasn't inside me. Bless him, he has been so patient and has offered the same advice time and time again when I never listened. Then one day I finally understood.

    This might sound really daft, but I do know vaguely why my mind started changing. I got a kindle for christmas, and there is a lot of free or cheap erotica on there. So I started reading that. Some of it, quite romantic with a sexy edge, some of it a bit more hardcore. What stood out to me out of all the stories was that all the men wanted their women to take pleasure from them, even when these men were dishing out spankings they still adored the women they were spanking, and loved all the responses their body gave and took great pleasure in making their woman happy. I was sat thinking how wonderful it all seemed, thenit suddenly dawned on me that I had that relationship right at my figertips and I was wasting it. That my husband could easily be one of those men if I gave him a chance. So i took a deep breath, a leap of faith and gave him a chance to see me for me.

    Since that day though I have grown and grown in confidence. I still have some way to go, but I am certainly more confident and open than before. It's like I was living as a caterpillar all these years, which is nice enough, but then I turned into a butterfly and that is far more interesting.

    I think your wife can certainly get there one day, and I hope she does, as I'm sure she will feel wonderful. It can be hard for us women to accept our mother's failings, even if they have been the best mother we could have wished for, to acknowledge they may have held us back in anyway is a tough thing to do.

    I also wouldn't underestimate the effect of losing her father, especially if they were close, and the stress of caring for her mother will have on her. I cared for my mother for 18 months before she passed away. That was 3.5 years ago and I am only just truly starting to let go of my grief, another factor in my mindset I think.

    Not sure if that makes any sense, or remotely answers your post, I think I tend to ramble far too much, lol. Maybe less rambling should be my next challenge, lol.

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    LadyS every word made perfect sense no ramblings at all. Do I back off or keep trying? All I want is for her to have this for herself , she just cannot see it. If I would not be so embarrassed about posting this with you. I would love to show her your post but I just know she would take it the wrong way and I don't wish to upset her.

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Using my own experience as context I would be inclined to say keep trying, even if it's only a case of reiterating that anytime she thinks of anything she'd like to do/try then just to say the word and it's done. If my husband had suddenly stopped showing his willingness to do other things, I think I would have felt less comfortable speaking up when the time came.

    It was the safety of knowing that he was willing to give most things a go that made me think 'okay I can do this, i can ask for what i fancy trying.'

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    LadyS wrote:

    Using my own experience as context I would be inclined to say keep trying, even if it's only a case of reiterating that anytime she thinks of anything she'd like to do/try then just to say the word and it's done. If my husband had suddenly stopped showing his willingness to do other things, I think I would have felt less comfortable speaking up when the time came.

    It was the safety of knowing that he was willing to give most things a go that made me think 'okay I can do this, i can ask for what i fancy trying.'

    Thanks again LadyS. Nothing I didn't really know I guess thanks for the reassurance, especially from a woman. We have been married for 25 years. I took her away to wonderful hotel for a long weekend. We talked and talked and made a lot of love. I had hoped this would do it. She has read erotic books Shades ect. Bought her an iPad so she can download them. She has read around 50 now.We have never looked at porn together this is something she says she would like to do, but even I as a confident bloke can't just say "porn tonight darling" like let's watch a film. I want her to ask for it.

    I do think part of it is in her heart she is submissive. She does like me to take control I know that. I have told her she could do anything to me. She could tie me up, I would love for her to take control just occasionally. We have discussed a couple of scenario's. Yes I can and would like to do that she says. I could initiate them but I want her to do them because she wants it. Sorry to ramble on but it is so important to me. We have a wonderful life , she is brilliant at every thing else mum, daughter, sister and wife. She works with disadvantage children. Just not enough me time for herself.

    One thing she has said is we might not like what we let out of the box. We think we know each other inside out. She has on just a couple of occasions made remarks about an uncle or someone like that giving her the creeps and trying to touch here up as a child. Do most women have some sort of occasions like this. I didn't think it needed talking about but she knows I would.

    Rambling now thanks again.

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