• Oh going on his first lads holiday

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    Hellotitty [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok.my oh is going to Ibiza on a lads holiday,he asked me if he could go and we talked and i said yea but i wasn't over the moon about it.deep down,i dont want him to go.Everyone knows what happens on a lads holiday,some of his friends are single,some are enaged,but does that really stop men from cheating? we have been together for 2 years,i dont trust him 100%,i have never trusted any of my partners and i have been cheated on before.He says he wont cheat on me but he is away from me for a week with horny little sluts,how is any man going to say no?I'm a worrier and my mind wonders too much,it doesnt help not having a job either to keep me occupied.

    I don't want people being mean to me ok,i want to be able to trust him 100% but as i have never trusted a man before,how do i do it?

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    DavidB1986 [sign in to see picture]
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    This is something you really need to talk to him about, but you will need to choose your words carefully.

    Declaring to him that you outright don't trust him will finish your relationship. If my partner told me that he didn't trust me, then we would no longer be together. A successful and healthy relationship requires trust on both sides, and if it's not there, then in most cases, that relationship is doomed to fail.

    In the 2 years that you have been together, has he ever given you ANY reason to not trust him? If he has been loyal and faithful (the fact he even asked you to go shows he is somewhat committed to this relationship) then you really have nothing to worry about. I'm sorry that you have been cheated on in the past. That's never nice for anybody. But not all men are like that. But there are deeper issues here that need to be addressed.

    Have you considered speaking to someone about your trust issues? Be it with a therapist or a councellor? Just somebody you can talk too, to help deal with those issues you have had in the past.

    Then you need to have a long frank discussion with your partner.

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    Hellotitty [sign in to see picture]
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    He has done some thing's and said some things to me what has upset me in the past and that is what puts me off.(I dont need to go into detail) he knows that i don't trust him 100%,i find it hard too do it.You hear all these stories about men going on holiday and cheating on their partners,which makes me even more nervous,and of where it is aswell.

    Im not sure on how to go go through the process of speaking to a thearpist,(from the UK,)but i would feel more better if i could talk to osmeone porfessional.

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    DavidB1986 [sign in to see picture]
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    You could speak to your GP and they could refer you to someone, or there's Relate - I know a few people that have used them. I think the bigger picture here though is do you see the relationship going anywhere (forget the holiday) - if he wasn't going, would you still feel the same mis-trust? If yes, then it's not really about the holiday - the holiday is just an excuse - this is why talking to someone can really help, because you don't want to end up in another situation where you could get hurt.

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    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    David's Right you must look at the bigger picture and the advice given is good. However the issue of the holiday he is trying to be nice about, this is a head over heart thing. You are right to be concerned why is he not wanting to go away with you and not the lads. I think you need to take a good look at the relationship and decide what is best for you. I am sorry it's not positive, but I think you already now it. Please keep posting we will help with advice and reassurance. Good luck.

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    naughtywildfun90 [sign in to see picture]
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    I was on this situation about 6 years ago now, my ex went away on his "annual" lads holiday, I worried about what was going to happen and I never got any answers no matter what I asked. All I ever got was "what goes on tour, stays on tour". He was immature and just wouldn't give me an answer.
    Just explain to him before he goes what your fears are and ask him to be honest with you xc

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I have to say, blaming the women (The "honry little sluts") is looking at it the wrong way. If a woman and man is single and they want to have some no strings attached sex, good for them and no harm done....

    But see, human (intelligent) beings that we are, we have this ability to say "no" and we have something called resistance. If your man has no resistance and the things he has done in the past have been cheating, then maybe you are right to have concerns, but don't blame the females for his lack of ability to keep it in his pants (Should be be that kind of guy) HE is the committed one and it is HIS responsibility to maintain that monogomy with you. It is HIM alone that will make or break that.

    As for advice, I really don't know what more to say, because if you have reasons not to trust him, then it sounds like you guys need to sit down and work it out, maybe with a councillor or therapist, to work on that issue together, because a healthy relationship is built on trust (Among other things)

    Unfortunately you cannot control another persons life, with the intention of shutting them away from the rest of the world and "monitoring" who they spend alone time with. What happens if he said he was going to a mates house to play video games, then later in the evening, his mates hot female friends showed up? Does your guy then get in troucble? See this is not fair on any human being and most will rebel from this type of control sooner or later. As grown adults we want to be trusted by our loved ones, not put in a position where they are choosing our friends, where we go, who we see and when we see people. This causes resentment quite quickly.

    However, if your guy has given you reason to be suspicious I don't blame you being nervous. but the truth is, at some point, you will either have to let him go and prove to you he is a good guy, or a bad guy...and if he turns out to be a bad guy, better to find out now and find yourself a good guy, right?

    My advice would be to sort out those trust issues. It feels so much better when you can trust your partner. If he winds you up and gives you the impression he is a cheat then my advice would be to split up. No one needs that!

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    To be honest with you, I don't think you should talk to him about it, and I think you should let him go.

    My reasons are to do with my personal situation. I am happily married, and I would let my husband go anywhere he liked on holiday, if he wanted to, but it hasn't always been like that. At the start of our relationship i didn't trust him, because I've also been cheated on in a past relationship. I used to get moody when he would go places because I was worried about what would happen if I wasn't there, sometimes he wouldn't go out (which I feel terrible about now) and other times he would go out. But overtime this has made me realise, trust can't be given, it needs to be earned.

    The hardest part about this earning process, is that you need to allow him to go out and earn that trust. So let him go away on his lads holiday, if something does happen you'll find out sooner or later, and if he does cheat on you, dump him. Do you really want to be with someone that can't stay faithful to you? At least this is giving him the opportunity to see what happens, because let's face it, if he is going to cheat, he will do it regardless of this lads holiday. If he doesn't cheat, you'll trust him more. It took me about three years to 100% trust my husband, but if every time I moaned about him going out somewhere he stayed at home, I probably still wouldn't trust him because he would never have that opportunity to prove himself. I know for a fact my husband would never cheat on me, and has never cheated on me.

    You just need to let him get on with it, if he cheats then that's just showing you his true colours and it will be a blessing in disguise, you won't have to waste more of your life with him.

    If he doesn't cheat, you will start building up trust, and every time he goes off somewhere you will gain more and more trust in him. Once you realise you 100% trust him is such a comforting feeling, you will be happier and it will make him happier you're not nagging him when he goes out. It will be a hard and worrying thing to do, but you need to do it. And as Fluffbags said, it's got nothing to do with 'horny little sluts', if a single woman wants to sleep with a man that's totally fine, the women aren't to blame. If your boyfriend cheats, then he's the 'horny slut' for not being able to keep it in his pants when he's in a relationship, and you'd be better off without it.

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    ChrisintheMidlands [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't know how wild Ibiza is nowadays - but if he was going anywhere along the lines of Sunny Beach in Bulgaria or Magaluf, then I understand your concerns.

    I don't think this is just simply a trust issue because if he was going somewhere cultured to see the sights (such as Rome), then anyone would be naturally far less apprehensive than what you are.

    He has chosen to go on a lads holiday in a place where the youth (you don't say how old he is) of today often have quite loose morals an even looser underwear. In fact, it often becomes a game to see who can sleep with the most people, I'm no prude but never behaved like that myself as I was never the jack the lad type - but I understand some males or females are wanting that kind of adventure which is fine if you are single, but he of course, is not.

    I know this isn't exactly being postitive but personally I agree wiith MrsMcX and agree you might want to think about letting him go, you already have trust issues anyway and I suspect that it isn't just your past that is making you feel this way, perhaps there is something about him personally you don't trust? There's no point being in a relationship unless are are happy and the trust is there100%, and the fact that he wants to go away without you on a 'lads only holiday' speaks volumes in my humble opinion.

    Think about moving on love, then you won't beat yourself up each day he is away.

    Best of luck x

    1393509494
    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    I wouldn't go as far as thinking about moving on. You just need to learn to trust, it's a very hard process once you've been cheated on, and I understand what you're going through. These things just take time, you just need to let him get on with it and deal with issues later.

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    ChrisintheMidlands [sign in to see picture]
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    MrsMcX wrote:

    I wouldn't go as far as thinking about moving on. You just need to learn to trust, it's a very hard process once you've been cheated on, and I understand what you're going through. These things just take time, you just need to let him get on with it and deal with issues later.

    MrsMcX wrote:

    and I think you should let him go.

    I mentioned agreeing with you before because in your previous post you said the above.

    1393509758
    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    I meant let him go on holiday! Haha! Trust has to be earned, if he goes away on holiday and comes back without cheating her trust will grow for him further.

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    ChrisintheMidlands [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry MrsM, I misread the meaning there.

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    It's fine, sometimes I'm not a coherent as I would like to be :)

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    Mr Gooner [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with what everyone else has said. I can see your point because in a way you're staying at home whilst he goes on holiday with the lads. Where I imagine it would be nice to have a holiday as a couple.

    Also again the whole cheating thing and being cheated on I can understand I have been cheated on in a previous relationship and it's not a very nice feeling and I think it's one of the worst feelings because you don't want to go through and feel that pain. It's one thing being hurt by someone you dislike, but being hurt by someone you deeply love is not nice,

    But as others said let him go and you will know how much he truly values your relationship. I know I would never cheat on my OH. You could put me in a room full of naked women and I wouldn't even dare think of cheating on my OH.

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    Hellotitty [sign in to see picture]
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    MrsMcX wrote:

    You just need to let him get on with it, if he cheats then that's just showing you his true colours and it will be a blessing in disguise, you won't have to waste more of your life with him.

    I agree with this,I think if he does cheat on me then i know he is lying,if he doestn,i HSOULD strat to trust him but heres my question:How do i kno if he has cheated?He wont exalty own up to it will he.

    Also,we went on holiday together last year for a week to....Magaluf...now he behaved,but that's cos he was with me.He is going to be away from me and you know the saying.what happens on holiday,stays on holiday.

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    Hellotitty [sign in to see picture]
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    ChrisintheMidlands wrote:

    I don't know how wild Ibiza is nowadays - but if he was going anywhere along the lines of Sunny Beach in Bulgaria or Magaluf, then I understand your concerns.

    W e went to magaluf for out first couples holiday.mad i knpw,but it was dead cheap and i put him in the deep end.We didn't go on the strip and he was well behaved BUT he is gonna be with the lads.He can do what ever he wants and im going to know am i?I mean its' not like he will admit it if he has done something.

    I know i need to start trusting him but i have no idea where to start =(

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    Hellotitty [sign in to see picture]
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    MrsMcX wrote:

    I meant let him go on holiday! Haha! Trust has to be earned, if he goes away on holiday and comes back without cheating her trust will grow for him further.

    I complety agree with you,trust has to be earnt and i have never trusted a man EVER.If he comes back and he hasnt done anything,and i mean like,touched,kissed or gone further with a another women then i suppose i will have to start trusting him but how will i know if he has done something?

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    Hellotitty [sign in to see picture]
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    Fluffbags wrote:

    I have to say, blaming the women (The "honry little sluts") is looking at it the wrong way. If a woman and man is single and they want to have some no strings attached sex, good for them and no harm done....

    i mean is a homewreker, a girl coming onto a guy who is in a relationship.Some girls dont give a fuck if a man is in a relationship,and they will come onto him cos they don't care,they on holiday and the gf/mrs won't find out.I just think its hard for a man to say no when there are women quite happily out there throwing themselves at them.So both are in the wrong.

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    Hellotitty [sign in to see picture]
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    ChrisintheMidlands wrote:

    I don't know how wild Ibiza is nowadays - but if he was going anywhere along the lines of Sunny Beach in Bulgaria or Magaluf, then I understand your concerns.

    Also,ibiza is excaxtly like magaluf...

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