• need advice on step daughter

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    mikedhf [sign in to see picture]
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    sorry not sure if this is the right place for this but it is of a sexual nature so i tthought i would ask. my partner has 4 children have 2 who live with us but have issues with one of my step daughters who is 18. Basically the issue is i have been woken by sound of her playing with herself before on multiple occasion this is not a problem i am not gonna have a go i know these things are natural. my problem is recently her computer broke being some what computer minded i went about fixing it, however when i went to fix it due to a broken hard drive i had to save all her documents. I at this point got all documents and files saved so went to check out the temp files (her daughter is none technical and does not know anything about temp files), i found pictures of her naked with toys which instantly got closed cause i don't wanna see that and it also had a text document. i opened this fo find it was chat history from her mobile phone i just jumped down to see if important or could be deleted and found out after 4 days of chatting to someone online she had been sending pics,videos of her doing things and was also having phone sex and webcam sex to some guy she has never even met whlst she already has a boyfriend (i know they have not met as he lived 150 miles away). I am rather angry about this but to explain more i am not angry over the fact she playing or doing these things it is her choice at the end of the day. The thing i am angry about is the fact me and my partner pay for her mobile phone bill which until that situation 3 months ago was fine at £15 a month that month was £225.65 which we had to find the cash for. We had to sell things off just to afford to pay the bill and now i am in a situation where i have seen why it was that much for the month and the kinda things she been doing. My question is what do i do, should i tell her mother about this and what i found or should i keep it to myself.

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    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think for her own safety you have to is sit down with both her parents. She may think she's an adult but by running up a bill of that price and acting the way she is, she clearly is not mature enough to be doing things like this.
    As for her phone. I would be making her pay it from now on plus find a way of paying back the massive bill.
    She may think her behaviour is just a big of fun and a laugh but once things our out there in the internet they are always there. Goodness knows who could get the photos. It could affect future careers, university applications, and future relationships.
    It won't be an easy conversation. She's gonna tell you she hates you all but it has to be done

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    I totally agree with BV. This needs to be addressed, for her own safety and for some awareness of how dangerous of a situation she might be getting herself into.

    As soon as I turned 16, I had a weekend job two weeks later and worked to pay for my mobile phone bill, and luxuries that I wanted. My mum would help me out with travel to college and basic necessities like clothing and things like that. But my phone bill I paid, and any make up and other luxuries were all up to me. I feel like it made me grow up awfully quickly and learn to manage money and be more responsible. Although my parents don't have a problem with lack of money, they would have still never paid a phone bill of that amount, just to teach me a lesson. You've got to be cruel to be kind :)

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    mikedhf [sign in to see picture]
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    well it is a bit worse too she now going out with this guy who she was doing these things for, if she don't answer her phone in 2 rings or doesn't take her phone to the toilet he calls her a slut and says she is cheating on him and makes her cry almost every day. This clearly to me is how they started there relationship is the problem, he suspects she doing the same thing as what she did with him so now he insecure she doing it to other guys if she not answering in seconds. Her mother cannt understand why he treats or talks to her this way and its really difficult to know what i now know cause i know where his fears are coming from and i been there for arguements where she says she would never do things like that but she already has it is a hard situation to be in. she don't have a job that why i got her the mobile phone in my name she could not get the credit and i been paying for it.

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    mikedhf [sign in to see picture]
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    forgot to mention my partner knows price of the bill she used money she was given by her aunt to pay for it on her behalf. My partner and her got money same month my partner footed the bill whilst she spent what she got on things she wanted.

    1392661855
    Gentle giant [sign in to see picture]
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    amandammmm wrote:

    You need to tell her mum. You can't keep this t yourself.

    She may support you, I would want to know if it were my daughter, you need to show her what you found. She needs to see it. It's not like you were actively looking for this on her laptop.

    Show her the bill, show her the stuff on the laptop and explain what's going on. I can imagine it being hard but it needs to be done.

    Good luck and be strong x

    Agreed, however she is an adult so advice rather than tell. But the money side of things is her responsibility and if you do not nip this in the bud and set some rules otherwise you will be making a rod for your own backs. Good luck

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    Laveila [sign in to see picture]
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    I would tell her mother. It will be very hard thing to do, but unfortunately has to be done. Partly because of the bill. What if it does not stop and she has this bill every single month? It could get you into problems financially. Or did you talk to her about it already? And my parents would pay the bill to avoid any problems for the family, BUT I would not get any pocket money and would have to go and get a job to pay it off to them.

    Personally I woould also be worried about what she is doing. And her boyfriend. The relationship is not healthy and not normal. Unfortunately. And it could end very badly. Definitely talk with her mother about it.

    1392667633
    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    Gentle giant wrote:

    amandammmm wrote:

    You need to tell her mum. You can't keep this t yourself.

    She may support you, I would want to know if it were my daughter, you need to show her what you found. She needs to see it. It's not like you were actively looking for this on her laptop.

    Show her the bill, show her the stuff on the laptop and explain what's going on. I can imagine it being hard but it needs to be done.

    Good luck and be strong x

    Agreed, however she is an adult so advice rather than tell. But the money side of things is her responsibility and if you do not nip this in the bud and set some rules otherwise you will be making a rod for your own backs. Good luck

    +1 - Good Luck Hun xx

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    ShannonMarlene [sign in to see picture]
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    Woah!
    I'm only 19 and sometimes I think I'm actually more like 40 looking at things other people my age get up to. Granted, I do have my own house, uni and such.
    You or her mother need to sit and talk her through the dangers of the internet in an adult way. Treating her like a child won't get anywhere. But she needs to know to be careful and not send photos like that to just anyone. Plus, the photos could also end up getting out and everyone will see!
    Express your concern openly one at a time and let her know I she continues this, she will have to pay for her own phone/internet.

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    KinkyFuckery [sign in to see picture]
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    Scorpius12 wrote:

    Gentle giant wrote:

    amandammmm wrote:

    You need to tell her mum. You can't keep this t yourself.

    She may support you, I would want to know if it were my daughter, you need to show her what you found. She needs to see it. It's not like you were actively looking for this on her laptop.

    Show her the bill, show her the stuff on the laptop and explain what's going on. I can imagine it being hard but it needs to be done.

    Good luck and be strong x

    Agreed, however she is an adult so advice rather than tell. But the money side of things is her responsibility and if you do not nip this in the bud and set some rules otherwise you will be making a rod for your own backs. Good luck

    +1 - Good Luck Hun xx

    Best advicee show who what was found she cant denie the proof of what is in front of her good luck

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    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    Your also need to talk about the dangers of emotionally abusive relationships and how they start, as the name callling could escalate. Search for "this is abuse" online. Younger people very often don't have the same awareness of this as someone who is older
    Otherwise have a firm word with her about respecting each others space and that the walls are a bit thin. Maybe say you can hear her moving around at night rather than mention her using toys

    1392675361
    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    He may be talking to her the way he is because he now has explict pictures of her...just a thought. I'm just concerned what could be happening with them, they could already be on the Internet, or passed around his friends. You really need to do something pretty quick, and I hope it goes well :)

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    Twilightgirl123 [sign in to see picture]
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    Gentle giant wrote:

    amandammmm wrote:

    You need to tell her mum. You can't keep this t yourself.

    She may support you, I would want to know if it were my daughter, you need to show her what you found. She needs to see it. It's not like you were actively looking for this on her laptop.

    Show her the bill, show her the stuff on the laptop and explain what's going on. I can imagine it being hard but it needs to be done.

    Good luck and be strong x

    Agreed, however she is an adult so advice rather than tell. But the money side of things is her responsibility and if you do not nip this in the bud and set some rules otherwise you will be making a rod for your own backs. Good luck

    I agree.

    1392738919
    mikedhf [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi,

    i have spoken to her mother as per advice on here and well angry was not the word furious would be a better word. But not with her daughter with me basically saying i should never have gone looking around her laptop and it got nothing to do with me and seeing those pics serves me right for poking my nose in. So now i feel a million times worse like i just been called a dirty pervert for looking around as if i was always trying to find this stuff in the first place. So thanks for the advice but it all blown up in my face like i was holding a grenade and i just let it off so wanted to post an update that i am the one in the wrong and nothing else is happening other than me being in big trouble.

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    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    She's taking it out on you because no mother wants to believe their own daughter could act like such a little Trollop!
    Your the the women so it's easier to insult you and blame you.
    No offence but where was her father. Why where you left up to break the news and why has he not defended you.
    You have told her mother and I assume her father so you have done the right thing. Your concious is now clear. So if her naked photos circulate the internet or she gets hurt by this idiot bf you can not blame your self

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    ShannonMarlene [sign in to see picture]
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    It's NOT your fault, please know that, if anything!
    That reaction is perfectly normal of her. As BV said, no mother wants to imagine her daughter doing such things. As you're the one that told her, she's transferred her anger onto you to protect her image of her daughter.
    Try talking to the girl yourself. Express that you're concerned and warn her again about abuse and blackmail. Let her know you just want what's best for her and you don't want to see her getting hurt by her awful boyfriend or people seeing these photos.
    Whether they like it or not, you're a part of this girl's life now. She's your step-daughter!

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    mikedhf [sign in to see picture]
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    BV her father wants nothing to do with her i am the father figure in her life now her real father ignored the fact she exists don't get anything for christmas birthdays or anything at all so her father knows nothing and would never want to either. I cannot help the fact now all the blame has been firmly placed on my shoulders that i feel a million times worse it's not as though i purposly set out to find it. Besides i believed she had the right to know what her daughter was doing since she is the one who ended up paying that phone bill whilst her daughter spent all her money on things she wanted which honestly to me proves how selfish she is since she the one doing things like that why should her mother have to be the one who pays for her to do these things. I now just feel worse than i have felt in a long time i joined the amazing people on LH to try and break out my shell so i could be open and honest about things i wanna buy an do to increase my confidence in such things and this makes me feel worse like there is something wrong with me. Thanks to all of you who have responded as always and amanda i will certainly try and have a look at that website see if i can possibly get some advice on this delicate matter.

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    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Give it time. The tension will get better between you and her mother. If it was my step daughter I would have her killed her. The computer would be removed from her room and there would be no way I would be buying her anything again or helping to pay her bills.
    Is there any chance you can talk to this new guy she is seeing? Tell him you know what's going on and you know about the photos. Warn him that you will report him to police if you find out he's showing anyone the photos etc.

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    taraman [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Mikedhf,

    I am male and have kids from a former marriage. My wife and partner of 4 years has helped me with them every other weekend when they come to stay.

    My children are younger than your step-children. However, my kids and ex-wife have been told that my new wife, their step-mum has my full support for their welfare and discipline.

    You have a very difficult situation and your solution did not work as well as you hoped. However, having read your thread, I think this was the ONLY solution open to you.

    If you said nothing, your step-daughter would continue with her behaviour and things would only get worse. She could have been lured to a meeting and drugged, raped or worse. Also, as BV has said she is only 18 and at the start of her professional life. If she finds fame or comes into the public eye through her work (TV presenter, politician, etc) then these photos could come back to haunt her and ruin her life.

    You have a responsibility to your children and step-children no matter what age they are or how adult they think they are. That is the natural course of being a parent.

    I think you did the right thing and it sounds like your partner lashed out to you as a first reaction. One or both of you need to sit down with your step-daughter and have an 'adult conversation'.How the photos and chat were discovered is irrelevant. The fact they exist and you have seen them is the only point of concern.

    I would suggest your discussion evolves around her activities under your roof and you were only trying to help by repairing her computer which is an essential item these days to most people. It will be difficult and I am sure there will be more anger and tears. You will also need to keep the right tone and balance to ensure she doesnt do something stupid like move out of the house.

    Ultimately, she is 18 and once you have had your discussion with her, she will be legally free to make her own decisions in life. All you can do is try to show her support and love and help your partner through this at the same time.

    Good luck and I hope you find a happy way through this.

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    mikedhf [sign in to see picture]
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    thanks BV and tara forgot to make this clear but step daughter has not got anything said to her i just got all the blame and her mother is never gonna say anything to her is just me getting the blame for it all.

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