• So Sad What can I do?

    1391094947
    I Wish [sign in to see picture]
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    I have thought about this for week's if I should ask on here as I don't have any close friends to ask or talk too.

    My wife fell out with my best mate's wife and that sort of stopped us talking more his choice than mine.

    Anyway sex life Hmm My wife is not interested in sex really or that's how it appears to me.

    If we do have sex all she seems to want is a quicky just to get it over and done with this is fine sometimes as now she works full time and I shift, somtimes we olny see each other for 10mins.

    I like to spend time have sex I think there is more love that way, than just a quick bonk and would like to try different thing's but no interest.

    If I metion sex the reply is O your sack is full.

    Also the kids are always about which reduces the chance of anything happening.

    We get on ok no problem their and love each other.

    She won't talk about sex FULL STOP. So how do I talk to here?

    I know some we say about doing jobs around the house etc But I do the washing drop kids at school ironing cooking and food shopping also the DIY. And cleaning and my 50 hours a week.

    Life is no fun anymore and not having sex to bring us close makes thing worst.

    I get very deppressed a lot of the time due to work and everything else. I do need to change my job but that's not easy so I just carry on.

    It's sad that I have to post on here really and I feel pretty crap for doing so but maybe some has some answer's

    Sorry about the crappy grammer and spelling.

    1391095173
    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    talk to each other.

    just find some time. it doesnt matter how but you both need to agree find time together to just talk. likelihood is shes feeling crappy like you are. You both need to make time to talk and listen to each other. When the kids are at school, or take a day off together or get someone to have them for a few hours. You don't need to go out, just do it at home and be open honest and frank with eaxh other.

    you sort out the tension between yiu and whatever else and sex will surely follow.

    1391095554
    crazy horse [sign in to see picture]
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    Affection, affection, affection. Do lots of hugs and kisses that DONT lead to sex. Give her a back rub/massage but dont let it lead to sex. I bet in her brain, every time you touch her, she thinks you just want sex so show her you dont.

    1391095759
    jeffngloria [sign in to see picture]
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    Sounds exactly like my life , except for the sex we still manage to have a couple of early nights a week , What made me laugh the other day,I was doing the dishes and said to my 5 year old daughter you'll be old enough to do the dishes soon , her reply was pffft I am a lady , ladys don't do the dishes , I nearly fell over laughing ,,, goes to show how running a home and a family while working requires equal effort ,and same goes for the bedroom !!

    1391095980
    jeffngloria [sign in to see picture]
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    Recently decorating the bedroom and experimenting with some sex toys has helped a lot , think everybody has been in a rut sexually at some point ,,

    1391096121
    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sum Sub wrote:

    talk to each other.

    just find some time. it doesnt matter how but you both need to agree find time together to just talk. likelihood is shes feeling crappy like you are. You both need to make time to talk and listen to each other. When the kids are at school, or take a day off together or get someone to have them for a few hours. You don't need to go out, just do it at home and be open honest and frank with eaxh other.

    you sort out the tension between yiu and whatever else and sex will surely follow.

    +1

    1391096782
    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    When did she stop wanting sex? Was it after the kids? Maybe she's lost confidence in her body. Maybe she's slightly depressed. Is she on any type of birth control that has reduced her libdo?

    Communication is important. You both need to sit down and find out why she's doesn't want it anymore. You need to explain to her that it's an important part of your relationship.

    Suggest date nights. Start going out one night a week for a meal or a movie.thing like cuddling on the sofa in front of a movie or running her a bubble bath or giving her a massage all tend to get forgotten as a relationship goes on with type. Try doing all those little things again. Bring that spark back that you both had when your first started dating.

    We has issues with my libdo after out first child and my husband had to be pretty blunt with me to spell it out to me that he needed axe more than once every two weeks. I needed that shock to waken up. I started reading erotic books and we discovered lovehoney and it all improved dramatically.

    He had tried talking to me but I ignored him. Until he basically told me he would end up having an affair if I out sex life didn't improve. I'm not saying bully her into it, but if you do not seriously spell it out to her and explain how low it makes you feel then I doubt she will understand .

    1391097444
    I Wish [sign in to see picture]
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    Affection I do a lot and with out sex it's not all about sex.

    I will make a fussof her in the bath and I enjoy shaving here legs of all things, I bought here led candles which are brilliant at setting a nice mood.

    As for sex toys she has a couple which I bought for a bit of fun she never use's them at all no interest.

    She seems not to have a need for sex although she did admit to playing with here self twice the other week and that was just to make her sleepy and that the first time she has ever told me in 25 years.

    I want here to have sex because she wants it not because she knows I need it and dont wont to pressure here into it so I leave it alone.

    We do talk about stuff, but not sex not allowed it just makes trouble so no point in bring it up.

    We have one night alone away without the kids but that's in April she does make more effort then.

    Back to the school run and get the washing in.

    1391098201
    MrandMrsAndy [sign in to see picture]
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    My husband could pretty much have written that. We only had sex around once a month for years. We still loved each other and were very affectionate.

    A few months ago he suggested i came off the pill after researching it and reading it effects womens sex drives. Well i did and now i can't get enough, he's struggling to keep up. I'm sure it will calm down abit soon or we'll both have friction burns but it could be worth a try. if she's un some form on contrepetion.

    1391098803
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    First of all, you say your wife won't talk about sex, but does she know how seriously it is affecting you? If you tend to just bring it up occasionally in a light hearted, or jokey way, then she may not know how deep it is hurting you and next time you talk, you need to say "I know you don't want to talk about this, but I need to, because I feel...." When talking to her, don't use any accusatory language that could be interpreted as blame, unless you want her defenses to go up and her to shut you down. Try to broach the conversation with lots of "I" sentances, rather than "You" sentances. If this really does not help, I suggest writing her a note or email, with all your thoughts and feelings about this and leaving it for her when you go to work. Giving her the day to read and think about it and what she needs to say later when you get home.

    I agree with Blonde Vixen that you need to kinda...be tougher in your approach to talking about it. I know an angry woman, with potentially better communication skills, can be intimidating, but here is the truth....do you want to be happily married or miserable and unfullfilled forever? You need to stand your ground and insist you have this conversation because it is affecting how you feel. The only thing I would personally avoid is threatening an affair. It worked for Blonde Vixen, but if my guy threatened that to me....well, I would not trust him and I would feel resentful and blackmailed and that in itself would start to be the end for me. (Everyones different though)

    It sounds like you already do your fair share around the house and you work a 50 hour week. I am guessing she does similar? See, one issue is that women find it much harder to switch into different mindsets. You may be able to leave work, forget about it and turn your attention to sex or fun. Women are notorious for not being able to do this. We are constantly "in the zone" being mum, nurse, taxi, accountant, shopper, cook, cleaner, boss etc...and when we are in those modes, it takes a lot more for us to be able to switch into "I am a sexy horny woman" mode. Plus, we are knackered and it takes us a lot more mental power to build our arousal levels and reach orgasm and...sometimes, after being a mum and working all day, we just really have nothing left to give.

    One way to break this is to do something spontanteous. Can you take her away for a weekend? This can break her out of all the other modes and focus on being "Lovers and partners" who can laugh and love together. The problem is, this is only a temporary and potentially expensive idea.

    Other ideas which have been known to help....bear this one in mind because it is important (to me anyway, and I think lots of women) ....

    Men: We seriously appreciate your help with physical tasks, like housework and fixing things and much more that you do...BUT you must also find time to treat her like a sexy, attractive woman.

    This is the truth. My guy is great at helping me around the house, he washes up, laundry, ironing etc, but to us ladies, this is helpful and sharing the tasks of the day like a partnership. It DOES NOT however, make us feel sexy towards you. It may make us less tired, which is good and it may make us feel like we are in a good relationship, with a rock for a partner, who will help us and stand by us....but it doesn't help us feel like pouncing on you.

    To my point: Find time, maybe dropping a few minor chores or whatever, to do things specifically for her. (Housework doesn't count...we view it as a thing that needs to be done...if you do it great, we love you...if we do it, fine too) Things like a massage, a little gift, like flowers, a hug when you walk past her, a kiss here and there, holding her hand or grabbing and giving her hand a squeeze, compliments specifically about her, her personality or what she is wearing.......gradually moving on to more cheeky things, like a pat on the bum, a wink and a smile...a cheeky text while at work, to let her know you are thinking about her.

    Remember the efforts (that were not efforts back then) that you would put in at the beginning of a relationship? Bring some of this back. I can't tell you how many male friends of mine have whinged at me that sex is lacking....but they do ZERO for her. See the differences are that men can get turned on easily with phsyical touches and visual stimulation...so when you hop into bed and start touching your lady and looking at her body, you feel aroused and ready. Women work differently. We get turned on more mentally, from teasing words, ideas planted into our minds, being made to feel sexy and wanted. If you approach sex her way more often, you will get what you want and so will she!

    I was in a relationship with a man who gave up all the initial teasing, flirting and cheekiness and paying attention to me after a year or so. After this point, it became about work, home...watching tv, going to bed and him pawing my breasts or bum as a come-on...you know what? After a while I not only lost interest, but I resented his lack of effort. My opinion was that if he could not even be bothered to think of me, pay me compliments, touch me (hand holding, hugging, kissing) during any other time EXCEPT when he wanted his end away...then why should I put in any effort either? So I didn't!

    I think my story echos a lot of experiences in long term relationships. Relationships still require work. Often people forget this when they get comfortable together. Everything else comes first. The kids, work, housework, tv, video games...etc etc. leaving little or no time to nurture the relationship. Both sexes are guilty of this. You need to talk to your wife and try to find out what she needs more of, to be in the right mood and you need to tell her that YOU need more affection and love and physical intimacy...and you both need to work with each other to help the other get into the right place. Compromise.

    1391099465
    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    The comment I made about my hubby saying he would have an affair.... He meant if our sex life continued to deteriorate and he was left feeling neglected then if another women showed him the attention he wasn't getting at home he would be tempted to stray.
    I worded it very badly in previous comment. He was just threatening to go do it, but pointing out that he was a sexual person with needs and it was very unfair of me to expect him to suffer and be sexually frustrated

    Don't want you all thinking badly of him lol

    1391101505
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    blonde vixen13 wrote:

    The comment I made about my hubby saying he would have an affair.... He meant if our sex life continued to deteriorate and he was left feeling neglected then if another women showed him the attention he wasn't getting at home he would be tempted to stray.
    I worded it very badly in previous comment. He was just threatening to go do it, but pointing out that he was a sexual person with needs and it was very unfair of me to expect him to suffer and be sexually frustrated

    Don't want you all thinking badly of him lol

    Not at all! Not really a judgey person, too old for that and been through enough of my own experiences to know we are all human....put it this way...with an ex of mine, in a similar situation (but me with the higher drive) there was a few times it went through my mind about cheating. Considering that I have felt the same as your guy, its fair to say I get it 100% and don't think badly of him.

    I just would not advise it as a general tactic for all who are trying to get their partner to be into having more sex. You are clearly a strong woman to take that comment for what it truly meant (A cry to save the relationship) and work it out to a great happy outcome. I think nowadays I would take it the same way, but I don't think this is a good thing to try out in most relationships...especially younger ones. I think if an ex had said this to be in my younger days, it would have worsened things, as I probably would have taken it as blackmail/threats to conform to his whim and become resentful and the relationship would have nose dived.

    I would also add though, (not in relation to your partner BV, but a follow on from what you said about you treating him unfairly) In my opinion (Not everyones) you are not responsible for your partners pleasure. There are many, many instances where people are forced to go without sex (Childbirth, posted away in the forces, disabilities and just being single for years) None of these people explode or die due to lack of sex and if you think about it, disabilty or getting posted abroad etc is out of your control. If my partner told me he would have to cheat due to all these circumstances I would be like "woah...so this is all about the sex for you?"

    No one should feel responsible for their partners frustation or cheating. They have the ability to masturbate, or split up with you and move on without crushing your heart by cheating. If anyone actually does cheat on you and blames your lack of sex drive for it...well...(Gives evils) I always fall back on saying that if you are not happy and satisfied, you should split from your partner, rather than cheat, because this is like saying "I want the best of both worlds...A comfy home life with you, but more sex with someone else"

    Of course, it isn't a perfect world and we are all human. Also, in most of my relationships I have been the partner with the higher drive and I even posted a thread here months ago where I felt really unhappy at the situation. I mean, truth be told, sex is of extreme importance to me. I know a lot of people say "A relationship is based on more than sex" and this is 100% true, but if the sex suddenly stopped, I honestly don't know how I would feel, but it would not be a great feeling! I honestly don't know if I could go the rest of my life without sex.

    Its like...I can see both sides of the coin and have no answers! lol

    1391111167
    I Wish [sign in to see picture]
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    blonde vixen13 wrote:

    When did she stop wanting sex? Was it after the kids? Maybe she's lost confidence in her body. Maybe she's slightly depressed. Is she on any type of birth control that has reduced her libdo?

    Communication is important. You both need to sit down and find out why she's doesn't want it anymore. You need to explain to her that it's an important part of your relationship.

    Suggest date nights. Start going out one night a week for a meal or a movie.thing like cuddling on the sofa in front of a movie or running her a bubble bath or giving her a massage all tend to get forgotten as a relationship goes on with type. Try doing all those little things again. Bring that spark back that you both had when your first started dating.

    We has issues with my libdo after out first child and my husband had to be pretty blunt with me to spell it out to me that he needed axe more than once every two weeks. I needed that shock to waken up. I started reading erotic books and we discovered lovehoney and it all improved dramatically.

    He had tried talking to me but I ignored him. Until he basically told me he would end up having an affair if I out sex life didn't improve. I'm not saying bully her into it, but if you do not seriously spell it out to her and explain how low it makes you feel then I doubt she will understand .

    When did she stop wanting sex

    She's never really been into sex that much so hard one to answer.

    I love it I like how it brings us together and tell her, again she won't talk about it.

    She has lost confidence in her body she has mentioned that althought she still looks great to me and always will.

    Date nights are a good idea but so hard to do we may have a chance this Friday .

    I did buy one erotic book she never read it and threw it in the bin.

    She did read 50 shades no affect what's so ever thought it was stupid (anyone recommend one not like 50 shades) to try again.

    Would never have affair I'm one women guy and I value her so much and the kids.

    Thanks for you advice.

    1391111660
    I Wish [sign in to see picture]
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    mrandy wrote:

    My husband could pretty much have written that. We only had sex around once a month for years. We still loved each other and were very affectionate.

    A few months ago he suggested i came off the pill after researching it and reading it effects womens sex drives. Well i did and now i can't get enough, he's struggling to keep up. I'm sure it will calm down abit soon or we'll both have friction burns but it could be worth a try. if she's un some form on contrepetion.

    She's only been on the pill for 12 months, I used a comdom for 25 years.Didn't notice any change in her sex drive.

    And it's a big differance for me going in with nothing on I've waited so long to do that other than the kids (6&10).

    1391113227
    I Wish [sign in to see picture]
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    Fluffbags wrote:

    First of all, you say your wife won't talk about sex, but does she know how seriously it is affecting you? If you tend to just bring it up occasionally in a light hearted, or jokey way, then she may not know how deep it is hurting you and next time you talk, you need to say "I know you don't want to talk about this, but I need to, because I feel...." When talking to her, don't use any accusatory language that could be interpreted as blame, unless you want her defenses to go up and her to shut you down. Try to broach the conversation with lots of "I" sentances, rather than "You" sentances. If this really does not help, I suggest writing her a note or email, with all your thoughts and feelings about this and leaving it for her when you go to work. Giving her the day to read and think about it and what she needs to say later when you get home.

    I agree with Blonde Vixen that you need to kinda...be tougher in your approach to talking about it. I know an angry woman, with potentially better communication skills, can be intimidating, but here is the truth....do you want to be happily married or miserable and unfullfilled forever? You need to stand your ground and insist you have this conversation because it is affecting how you feel. The only thing I would personally avoid is threatening an affair. It worked for Blonde Vixen, but if my guy threatened that to me....well, I would not trust him and I would feel resentful and blackmailed and that in itself would start to be the end for me. (Everyones different though)

    It sounds like you already do your fair share around the house and you work a 50 hour week. I am guessing she does similar? See, one issue is that women find it much harder to switch into different mindsets. You may be able to leave work, forget about it and turn your attention to sex or fun. Women are notorious for not being able to do this. We are constantly "in the zone" being mum, nurse, taxi, accountant, shopper, cook, cleaner, boss etc...and when we are in those modes, it takes a lot more for us to be able to switch into "I am a sexy horny woman" mode. Plus, we are knackered and it takes us a lot more mental power to build our arousal levels and reach orgasm and...sometimes, after being a mum and working all day, we just really have nothing left to give.

    One way to break this is to do something spontanteous. Can you take her away for a weekend? This can break her out of all the other modes and focus on being "Lovers and partners" who can laugh and love together. The problem is, this is only a temporary and potentially expensive idea.

    Other ideas which have been known to help....bear this one in mind because it is important (to me anyway, and I think lots of women) ....

    Men: We seriously appreciate your help with physical tasks, like housework and fixing things and much more that you do...BUT you must also find time to treat her like a sexy, attractive woman.

    This is the truth. My guy is great at helping me around the house, he washes up, laundry, ironing etc, but to us ladies, this is helpful and sharing the tasks of the day like a partnership. It DOES NOT however, make us feel sexy towards you. It may make us less tired, which is good and it may make us feel like we are in a good relationship, with a rock for a partner, who will help us and stand by us....but it doesn't help us feel like pouncing on you.

    To my point: Find time, maybe dropping a few minor chores or whatever, to do things specifically for her. (Housework doesn't count...we view it as a thing that needs to be done...if you do it great, we love you...if we do it, fine too) Things like a massage, a little gift, like flowers, a hug when you walk past her, a kiss here and there, holding her hand or grabbing and giving her hand a squeeze, compliments specifically about her, her personality or what she is wearing.......gradually moving on to more cheeky things, like a pat on the bum, a wink and a smile...a cheeky text while at work, to let her know you are thinking about her.

    Remember the efforts (that were not efforts back then) that you would put in at the beginning of a relationship? Bring some of this back. I can't tell you how many male friends of mine have whinged at me that sex is lacking....but they do ZERO for her. See the differences are that men can get turned on easily with phsyical touches and visual stimulation...so when you hop into bed and start touching your lady and looking at her body, you feel aroused and ready. Women work differently. We get turned on more mentally, from teasing words, ideas planted into our minds, being made to feel sexy and wanted. If you approach sex her way more often, you will get what you want and so will she!

    I was in a relationship with a man who gave up all the initial teasing, flirting and cheekiness and paying attention to me after a year or so. After this point, it became about work, home...watching tv, going to bed and him pawing my breasts or bum as a come-on...you know what? After a while I not only lost interest, but I resented his lack of effort. My opinion was that if he could not even be bothered to think of me, pay me compliments, touch me (hand holding, hugging, kissing) during any other time EXCEPT when he wanted his end away...then why should I put in any effort either? So I didn't!

    I think my story echos a lot of experiences in long term relationships. Relationships still require work. Often people forget this when they get comfortable together. Everything else comes first. The kids, work, housework, tv, video games...etc etc. leaving little or no time to nurture the relationship. Both sexes are guilty of this. You need to talk to your wife and try to find out what she needs more of, to be in the right mood and you need to tell her that YOU need more affection and love and physical intimacy...and you both need to work with each other to help the other get into the right place. Compromise.

    I do bring it up in a jokey way, get moaned at for that.

    Funny about the mindset quote as she has mentioned that I'm turning into a mum.

    We do not really get time together and I've sort have given up on my hobby now, because she work's Monday to Sat.

    So when I'm off at the weekends which is not offen I can be with here and the kids.

    But do feel I need some space so I have other people to talk to at the club and some sort off social life.

    I never stop here going out with friends which is only a handful times a year anyway in fact I tell she should go out more and enjoy it.

    Me I don't go out not even the pub (billy no mate's) hate football don't have a social life at all.

    The fact it's work home work home work I just plod on.

    I'm not having a go at here or having a rant I'm just looking to share my thoughts and see what advice comes back.

    Thanks

    1391114018
    flaneur [sign in to see picture]
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    I Wish wrote:

    I do bring it up in a jokey way, get moaned at for that.

    Funny about the mindset quote as she has mentioned that I'm turning into a mum.

    We do not really get time together and I've sort have given up on my hobby now, because she work's Monday to Sat.

    So when I'm off at the weekends which is not offen I can be with here and the kids.

    But do feel I need some space so I have other people to talk to at the club and some sort off social life.

    I never stop here going out with friends which is only a handful times a year anyway in fact I tell she should go out more and enjoy it.

    Me I don't go out not even the pub (billy no mate's) hate football don't have a social life at all.

    The fact it's work home work home work I just plod on.

    I'm not having a go at here or having a rant I'm just looking to share my thoughts and see what advice comes back.

    Thanks

    You seem to be quite settled other than the sex issue. In a way I have a similar problem, but I think you should ask her if she still likes you. I think you have to change something, but if you do nothing else at least work out where you stand with her.

    1391115958
    mrs average [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya! A child free night to chat properly sounds like the key.
    The conversation needs to be light hearted and balanced though so that it's not a grilling about why she doesn't want sex.
    may be take it in turns to say one thing you would really like more of from the other person and one thing you would like less of. Share one of your fantasies and one of your hang ups. discuss things you like and dislike about youselves and make a bitf of a quiz about it to get to know more about how you both feel.
    I hope things improve. you will have a lot of support and encouragement from your lovehoney friends.
    Mrs A

    1391116926
    geekboy [sign in to see picture]
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    I Wish,

    You sound like a good guy who is going though some hard times.

    I don't have any specific advice like the nice people above but just wanted to say i hope it all works out and im pretty sure it will.

    1391118282
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    It would be so good for you guys if you could try and arrange a child free/work free day, once a month or something, where the only thing required is spending time together and enjoying being lovers and partners. Going out together somewhere and having a relaxing time and a good laugh. Honestly, I got stuck in this routine of work and kids and we went about 9 months without doing anything just for us...when we finally did, it was amazing. like old times again and reminded us why we love each other. I can only suggest you guys try to find that time to do this together. x

    1391122660
    KinkyFuckery [sign in to see picture]
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    How about organising a date night enjoying time together talking about what you both want with no expection of sex, its hard balancing life and things get pushed to the side . It dooesnt mean she doesnt love you any less .Good luck and hope you sort it x

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