• real life BDSM v books ?

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    kinkyqueen [sign in to see picture]
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    As a complete newbie, forgive any ignorance, but I have always wondered why people into the 'lifestyle' say that fictional books on the subject in no way reflect real life BDSM relationships. In what way is it so different?

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    chunkyg [sign in to see picture]
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    From my perspective.....firstly.......it's not as perfect as the dreamy novels....we have same friction, arguments and laughs.

    secondly.....consent and communication are the most crucial elements in real life.....in novels these are just brushed over.

    finally.....safe words are non existent . In real life they are very important!

    apart from that it's just as perfect :-)

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    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    A few things IMHO

    1) snobbery. It's the 'I must prove I'm serious about bdsm by hating the literature' mentality. You can see it anywhere in human society.

    2) popular fiction is just that. Firstly it's fiction so it's not real and secondly it's watered down or romanticised to be more widely appealing and sell more copies.

    3) individuality. Bdsm means different things to different people

    4) Secret clubs. Some people are scared that if bdsm becomes more mainstream then they won't be different any more and to some people being different is what matters.

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    maltedmilk [sign in to see picture]
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    Sum sub totally summed up ny thoughts. Xx

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    chunkyg [sign in to see picture]
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    What I would add is that Ultimately its exactly what you make it so if you want it to be like a novel that live it out.

    Sum sub as always was absolutely correct :-)

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    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    BDSM fiction stories are like cookery books - they can give you lots of ideas and things you have never thought of - but you just change the recipe around to match your individual taste. And just like a cookery book you have to read more than one to find one that suits you.

    There are some BDSM authors that I find do include everything (that I find important) - good story - complex characters (with their own flaws) - safety - communication & realism.

    For me BDSM is what you want it to be - it's a journey that you start in one direction that can take surprising twists and turns and the fun part is that the journey never seems to end :) xxx

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    Lady Ness [sign in to see picture]
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    Sum Sub wrote:

    A few things IMHO

    1) snobbery. It's the 'I must prove I'm serious about bdsm by hating the literature' mentality. You can see it anywhere in human society.

    2) popular fiction is just that. Firstly it's fiction so it's not real and secondly it's watered down or romanticised to be more widely appealing and sell more copies.

    3) individuality. Bdsm means different things to different people

    4) Secret clubs. Some people are scared that if bdsm becomes more mainstream then they won't be different any more and to some people being different is what matters.

    Some of the clubs are 'secret' / private due to certain lincencing laws and other requirements regarding attendants saftey.

    I've read a hell of a lot BSM book, one thing I have to say, the parties are often very different to the ones in real life. Sophie Morgans books give you a more realistic idea of what general parties are like, although I am yet to find a BDSM party which is like the one in Portia Da Costa's books which have a more fairy tale feel.

    BDSM relationships do vary greatly and as already stated, no one will be the same even if you follow similar rules to anothers within it.

    As someone who has a mixture of BDSM relationships, I can say it's all very different.

    For example I have friends who have BDSM relationships, one of the main rules I learned was not to question their outlook on their rules and labels, unless it's likely to end up with real life harm (like death), or performing a crime. The best thing to do with BDSM friends is just sit back and watch them enjoy each others company, and see that the relationship they have within the scene works for them, and just be happy about it.

    I do professional Mistressing from time to time, the relationship has a lot of rules the submissive will have to follow, as well as being expected to offer me a tributew. There are no exceptions to the rule. Prior to the session a meeting is hel and a talk about health issues and limits happens. While the submissive may request things, it is my job to make them feel that they also have no control over telling me what I should and shouldn't do to them, whilst still consiusly making sure I make them feel safe and comfortable.

    I have full time submissives, who I still expect to gift me things from time to time, but their may job is to serve me in what ever way I see fit. With full time subs I make sure I put the skills they already have to use, but also set them learning tasks. I also can push them further than a one off or a couple of sessions submissive. For me these full time subs are just subs who are expected to worship me and respect me all the time, they do not have a romantic relationship with me, even if they dream of it. With them I am able to offer a punishment and reward system so that what ever they do for me feels worth while.

    I have students who I teach BDSM to. Mentoring and teaching is a big thing in BDSM, but I do this professionally. This relationship varies, depending on the student and the lesson they wish to leartn. If they wish to be a Dom I will educate them and offer them tips and they are meant to respect my advice, although unlike some teachers within BDSM I also encourage my students to be creative and think on their own feets. More dangerous things like teaching about needle play and extreme spanking I will be very strict in teaching the dos and don'ts as well as encourage them to learn more about first aid. If I have a student who back chats too much, I will put them in their place, or ask them to leave. When I say put them in their place, I don't mean like when performing a role play scene between teacher and student, but actualloy have a proprer professional word with them.

    When escorting I'm asked to Dom from time to time, but this is very different from when doing professional Domming. In professional Domming I do not sleep with my clients, however in escorting I often do. When asked to Dom as an escort I am also expected to be the girl friend too. So I am expected to be gentle and sweet to some limit, whilst softly spanking them and calling them a naughty boy or girl. It's more pleasure focused and building up orgasm. Bondassage works well in this situation.

    WHen online Domming I set my subs tasks, and the biggest punishment I can give them is ignoring them. One of my biggest requests via online Domming is fake blackmail, and the clients seem to get off a lot by this form of play. Online I expect a tribute, plus sometimes I also ask for certain services such as online work for me. Some of the tasks I give them can be a game to play or taking a daring photo. Rewards arer photos, and me telling them what to do (sending them a message is one of the biggest rewards and often makes the sub very happy).

    With my lov-e-r-s, I don't really have a BDSM relationship. We may attend sex events together and I may tie them up, but I do not see them as my sub or Dom. If anything we are expected to both pull our weight. And while I love gettong gifts off them and they do me, it's more about each others company, and generally just rather ordinary sex and relaxtion, as well as real life.

    In BDSM you can protect someone too. A lot of people do this within the scene but do not understand the responsibility behind it, plus also the protector and the potected, must agree on boundaries. Such as are they expected to protect them in real life, just at events, only online, or a mixture. A protector needs to be on call at the agreed times too and has to be good at offering support.

    A note also, some books show that subs are 100% submissive. This isn't true, and many wil play up, for one they want to attention from the Dom.

    Anyway, that's some of the BDSM relationships I have. While an outline, as you can expect, it differs from person to person I have any of these relationships with. It's just I've found tyhat the above outline is a good guide to what seems to happen within each of thyese situations for me.

    Oh, on another note, I never sub. I've tried it again recently and lasted less than 15 mins. 5 minutres beforehand I manages to put all the Doms clothes in marmite water and other things whilst he was having a bath, during the time I was tied up I just kept saying how bored I was and that he wasn't doing it right.... in the end I ended up spanking him. It was rather bratty of me, oh brats that's another BDSM relationship, where the brat will play up and act like a spoilt child.

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    Lady Ness [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh and another thing about BDSM in books and real life. As a Dom I don't specially dress up in corsets and things for my subs, I've even been know to Dom in just my lazy day clothes. I'm sure that'd make a very erotic tale indeed ^_^

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    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    oops, sorry I didnt mean to offend - I didn't mean actual clubs, I just trying to make the point that some people just want to be different, and in their head they have to belong to some niche of society - I was aiming for a metaphor

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    Lady Ness [sign in to see picture]
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    Sum Sub wrote:

    oops, sorry I didnt mean to offend - I didn't mean actual clubs, I just trying to make the point that some people just want to be different, and in their head they have to belong to some niche of society - I was aiming for a metaphor

    Make more sense, there are some within the scene who have made their our private groups, which are so strict they seem like cults. I often avoid these.

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    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    The Nymphomaniac wrote:

    Sum Sub wrote:

    oops, sorry I didnt mean to offend - I didn't mean actual clubs, I just trying to make the point that some people just want to be different, and in their head they have to belong to some niche of society - I was aiming for a metaphor

    Make more sense, there are some within the scene who have made their our private groups, which are so strict they seem like cults. I often avoid these.

    Sorry I will make more sense next time
    1390129292
    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    I think BDSM is nothing more than a label for someone who doesn't understand a certain type of sexual interests/play. It's more for an outsider looking in to try and understand more about a specific persons interests.

    Not everyone who plays around with BDSM are going to do exactly the same things, therefore there's no right and wrong way to write about it.

    I would say that there's a few things that I like about BDSM in the bedroom, but I wouldn't say that I'm 'into' BDSM, and I'm pretty sure a lot of people who are 'into' it, wouldn't necessarily say that they were into it either.

    People just enjoy what they enjoy, and that shouldn't have a label on it. If you like certain aspects of BDSM, or even all aspects, that doesn't mean that you have to comply to a certain set of rules and do thing a certain way.

    Do what you want, who really cares if it has a label on it?

    1390132927
    Alastor [sign in to see picture]
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    Sum Sub wrote:

    The Nymphomaniac wrote:

    Sum Sub wrote:

    oops, sorry I didnt mean to offend - I didn't mean actual clubs, I just trying to make the point that some people just want to be different, and in their head they have to belong to some niche of society - I was aiming for a metaphor

    Make more sense, there are some within the scene who have made their our private groups, which are so strict they seem like cults. I often avoid these.

    Sorry I will make more sense next time
    lol. Amazing what a missing s can do... ( make(s)...)
    1390139590
    Lady Ness [sign in to see picture]
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    Alastor wrote:

    Sum Sub wrote:

    The Nymphomaniac wrote:

    Sum Sub wrote:

    oops, sorry I didnt mean to offend - I didn't mean actual clubs, I just trying to make the point that some people just want to be different, and in their head they have to belong to some niche of society - I was aiming for a metaphor

    Make more sense, there are some within the scene who have made their our private groups, which are so strict they seem like cults. I often avoid these.

    Sorry I will make more sense next time
    lol. Amazing what a missing s can do... ( make(s)...)

    Yes. It has to be one of my favourite typos with the best reactiong ^o^

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    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    The Nymphomaniac wrote:

    Alastor wrote:

    Sum Sub wrote:

    The Nymphomaniac wrote:

    Sum Sub wrote:

    oops, sorry I didnt mean to offend - I didn't mean actual clubs, I just trying to make the point that some people just want to be different, and in their head they have to belong to some niche of society - I was aiming for a metaphor

    Make more sense, there are some within the scene who have made their our private groups, which are so strict they seem like cults. I often avoid these.

    Sorry I will make more sense next time
    lol. Amazing what a missing s can do... ( make(s)...)

    Yes. It has to be one of my favourite typos with the best reactiong ^o^

    Hehe. I did realise but knowing you're a Domme and I'm a sub I thought I should take it literally ;)
    1390143028
    Lady Ness [sign in to see picture]
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    Sum Sub wrote:

    The Nymphomaniac wrote:

    Alastor wrote:

    Sum Sub wrote:

    The Nymphomaniac wrote:

    Sum Sub wrote:

    oops, sorry I didnt mean to offend - I didn't mean actual clubs, I just trying to make the point that some people just want to be different, and in their head they have to belong to some niche of society - I was aiming for a metaphor

    Make more sense, there are some within the scene who have made their our private groups, which are so strict they seem like cults. I often avoid these.

    Sorry I will make more sense next time
    lol. Amazing what a missing s can do... ( make(s)...)

    Yes. It has to be one of my favourite typos with the best reactiong ^o^

    Hehe. I did realise but knowing you're a Domme and I'm a sub I thought I should take it literally ;)

    'tis a good example of a form of sub Dom relationship too ^_^ Although you're not my sub, you still respect other Doms, which means you must be very loyal to yours.

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    Alastor [sign in to see picture]
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    It did occur to me that SS might be playing there... but I reckoned a little smiley might have reared its head.

    1390145669
    Alastor [sign in to see picture]
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    The Nymphomaniac wrote:

    ...

    With my lov-e-r-s, I don't really have a BDSM relationship. We may attend sex events together and I may tie them up, but I do not see them as my sub or Dom. If anything we are expected to both pull our weight. And while I love gettong gifts off them and they do me, it's more about each others company, and generally just rather ordinary sex and relaxtion, as well as real life.

    ...

    Within that very informative post you covered a lot of questioned I had about BDSM, scenes, and lovers... the different attitudes and accompanying acts and relationships. Much, actually, that had made me specifically entertain a trip to a Norfolk event just on the chance of quizzing you.

    Interesting the way you describe what I might consider BDSM-kink-style activities within your lov-e-r relationships. So you probably rightly don't think the dom/sub terminology is appropriate in those circumstances. I am wondering whether top and bottom terminology might then best describe the areas I mostly want to investigate. In my case within relationships that would mostly include switching for both of us - even if that is not on the cards for your(potentially-brattish)self.

    I was also interested in the use of the escort category to house sex plus BDSM-elements carried out on a professional basis.

    Of course, for those in monogamous, long-term, Dom/Sub relationships, there must be a reasonable proportion who also include the majority of the lov-e-r aspects into their dynamic, including specifically sexual acts.

    Lastly... 'Marmite water'?? How? WHY?!

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    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    The Nymphomaniac wrote:

    Sum Sub wrote:

    The Nymphomaniac wrote:

    Alastor wrote:

    Sum Sub wrote:

    The Nymphomaniac wrote:

    Sum Sub wrote:

    oops, sorry I didnt mean to offend - I didn't mean actual clubs, I just trying to make the point that some people just want to be different, and in their head they have to belong to some niche of society - I was aiming for a metaphor

    Make more sense, there are some within the scene who have made their our private groups, which are so strict they seem like cults. I often avoid these.

    Sorry I will make more sense next time
    lol. Amazing what a missing s can do... ( make(s)...)

    Yes. It has to be one of my favourite typos with the best reactiong ^o^

    Hehe. I did realise but knowing you're a Domme and I'm a sub I thought I should take it literally ;)

    'tis a good example of a form of sub Dom relationship too ^_^ Although you're not my sub, you still respect other Doms, which means you must be very loyal to yours.

    That depends how masochistic I'm feeling.
    1390147734
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    The main differences between reality and books are that books are written to be the 'perfect' scene....

    Smouldering hot, millionaire, domly dom meets 'submissive but doesn't know it yet' woman and there begins the story. The sexy scenes are all so perfect, the Dom does EXACTLY the right thing to make the sub orgasm from the moment he touches her, he knows what to say, how to say it, when to say it and the tone to say it, he knows exactly how far to push the sub without any prior chats about it at all...he just magically knows. The sub on the other hand, not only accepts this new style of sex but revels in it from the start (With the instant orgasm bliss)

    Yeah....real life is different. I like Scorpius' comparison to a cook book....but I would go a step further. You have all the ingredients and are ready to mix them up into the perfect recipe...but new cooks will notice their cakes come out the oven flat, or the meal is too dry, or they missed out an ingredient and things taste a bit bland. In real life BDSM the key is communication and this is overlooked in the books because, well....it is a little boring to read about and it also ruins 'the mood' of the story. A book is written as fantasy and to inspire fantasy within us, but in reality if you are starting out in BDSM with someone, it is different from the books because you have not mastered that recipe yet. So what kinda things happen in real life that don't happen in the books?.......

    Communicating beforehand, telling our partners that we might like to try this. Setting up safe words. Discussing what we want and don't ever want. Nervousness. Lots of "Is this okay" and "Is that too much" and "Am I hurting you too much" Tying them up and one pull on the rope pulls all the knots apart. Giggling...trying again and tying too tight and having to stop and untie because someones extremities are tingling/turning blue. Bad aim with floggers and whips. (For the Dom) Not knowing what to do next. Not knowing what to say next, to keep the mood alive. Etc Etc

    Basically being new to BDSM is like being new to sex. There are the nerves, the fumbles, the awkward silences, the "Am I hurting you" questions, the doubt and the lack of skill with your tools and the constant wondering "Am I doing this right" At first it can be really awkward, especially for the partner who is doing this for their partner (In other words, for someone not naturally inclined) and new to it all. That is usually how it starts between couples. It doesn't just come as naturally as it does in the books...you need to keep cooking that meal until the recipe is perfected (As Scorps said) and it is rare to find a person completely new but so natural and confident. You grow together slowly over time. If this happened in the books, the books would be a drag! (And much longer)

    This is the difference between the books and real life. Books are fantasy, where nothing goes wrong and everything is perfection. Reality is....reality!

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