• My OH has lost interest in the bedroom

    1388360295
    MrSouth [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi all.

    Sorry if this has been asked time and time again but I couldn't seem to find anything of relevance.

    My dilemma is this.

    My wife has lost interest when it comes to the bedroom department. I've recently received my LH order to spice things up a bit and when we try to talk about the whole sex thing she plays it off. Things between us out of the bedroom are absolutely fine. It hasn't always been an issue it used to be amazing between us but it seems as the years go on that spark gets less and less.

    I get a little frustrated when I feel there's a perfect opportunity for us (we have 2 young children) and it goes a miss. I respect how she feels and I am aware that she may not want to do it at every chance but over time it gets more and more frustrating.

    Any advice is greatly appreciated.

    1388360684
    Strange Days [sign in to see picture]
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    Go the tea shirt on this. You have my sympathy. Only I never found a solution, with my OH. Will end badly, soon.

    Only suggestion is to talk it thru. Try counselling...?? Relate do it.

    More info might help...

    1388360937
    MrSouth [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm happy with being patient to the situation. I'm just 30 she's 28 and we have 10 years together so I'm not throwing it away because the sex isn't all that. But yeah I agree with talking it through see how she feels and take it at her pace. I just wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation and overcome it.

    1388361022
    Cowboy81 [sign in to see picture]
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    The first bit of all advice when it comes to partners is to continue to work on communication. I hear you, she plays it off but try again or a different approach, just keep at it.

    Simultaneously, continue to evaluate the out of the bedroom situation. You obviously know that bit, thats why you mentioned it ;) just keep at it.

    Now, the same thing happened to me and the MRS; hers was hormonal. She went through a space of time where her body was adjusting to life changes. Also, the hormones affected her self esteem so she did not feel "worth" being sexual. It was odd but communication tuned me into her and helped her with the emotional side. Then time fixed the libido issue.

    I hope it helps.
    CB

    1388361237
    ShannonMarlene [sign in to see picture]
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    Honesty.

    That's the number one thing. You need to gently express how you feel and ask how she feels and why she isn't feeling up to it. Take it slowly and be careful not to offend her or make her feel forced.

    Try buying her a toy secretly and surprising her with it, then let her have some alone time with it. It might remind her how good it can feel and help her loosen up.

    1388361278
    Lucy-leigh [sign in to see picture]
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    hi

    maybe you need to spice things up a bit more.

    buy her a sexy outfit with new undies shoes the works.

    take her out for a meal in the new clothes 1st and get to know each other again.

    after years of beeing with the same person the sparks can die out.

    your wife needs to feel the spark again.

    what ever you do dont take things for granted and ask her things you use to say and do the little things that made her full in love with you.

    as soon as the sparks come back then it will again in the bedroom to.

    dont over do it but just start with small steps leading up to the gifts and dinner.

    I hope this helps and please dont ever stop telling her how beautiful she is and you love her. all wemen need to know this.

    I am on the other side and talk to lots of men that have the same problem as your self but they are looking else where for sex.

    i really look up to you for being open about this and that you are trying to get the spark back with you both.

    GOOD LUCK XX

    ps hope this helps you both

    1388362828
    littlebox [sign in to see picture]
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    I could be the only one thinking it but I wouldn't suggest buying her a toy or lingerie in secret and surprising her with it as this could pressure her into it. Sounds like you just really need to sit down and talk, no harm in that, and really get into perspective BOTH sides. Tell her how you feel and how it's affecting you but also find out why she's feeling how she is and if there's anything she thinks you could do to help. I really wouldn't rush into buying anything to surprise her with as this could come across selfish. Just talk,talk,talk and take things one step at a time! :)

    1388363059
    Kaijai [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi,

    you already have 2 children so chances are she's feeling so unsexy and in confident and just blah.... Get her yo have a look on here and choose some sexy revealing underwear, when It arrives have a glass of wine watche her favourite film and just ease yourselves into it then suggest trying on her sexy new lingerie and hopefully one thing will lead to another, I know for a fact that sexy new underwear makes you feel so confident.

    Good luck, :-)

    1388364521
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    A surprisingly common problem. My partner and I also have this issue but he is the one with the lower drive and mine is higher and yup, it can be frustrating!

    Couple of things:

    Firstly women get turned on mentally, males visually (I am generalising here, for quickness. Every person is different) but as one of those aforementioned mental women (giggles) I can tell you that there is a huge difference for a woman between the physical and the mental. I have noticed when men have made moves on me over the many manyyyy (Okay, not that many) years that I have been sexually active, it has mostly always been physical moves, touching, kissing, groping or visual moves like getting naked, or sending cock pics and if they do try to tease my female mind, they do it in the way THEY would like to be teased (I guess) my talking about physical things (Their penis, how hard/big/satisfying it is, or about how they intend to slot part A into part B for hours or...well you get the picture)......BORING! Okay, slight exaggeration, it is not boring guys, but did you know that if you tried to turn her on her way, you might go from an okay reponse to an OMG fuck me now! response? Women need mental switches pushed, before their arousal starts and never giving her that and always going straight into the same old same old fit part A into part B will get old quickly. I guess you could compare it to you, as a male, trying to reach the height of horniness and orgasm with NO visual stimulation at all...ever, and then one day, your lady does that amazing strip tease (visual) and woah...suddenly a lot more horny. Anyway...you get the point, so how can you get into her mind.

    Well, it takes a little efort and work. Surprisingly I have known a few guys for whom it was too much effort and they still sulked as to why their ladies had little interest, but yeh, it takes a little work, but it should be fun for you too, knowing how much you turn her on.

    Another issue (and it ties in with all the above) is that women are sooooo far away from "that" place, mentally, when they crash in bed at night, slipping off their comfy "around the house" clothes after spending all day being mum, cleaner, cook, taxi service, problem solver, nurse...all the rest of it. Now, this might be where guys wonder why women are always tired and men are like "Well I work my ass off all day too and I still have energy. I don't think it is 100% about the physical and mental energy and more to do with being in the right frame of mind. In other words, it is not easy to switch off those switches in our heads, labelled cook, cleaner, nurse, problem solver etc and then switch on the 'sexy' and 'lover' switches, and I don't know how other women feel but I find it even harder if all my guy does to get me in the mood is grope at my tits and feel if I am wet yet. I need something going on mentally and I don't think I am the only woman who does. You need to begin flipping her switches way earlier than 5 minutes before sex time. Like...during the day or as the evening gets close.

    If I were in your shoes right now, I would stop pestering her for sex, if you are (Waiiiiiit, here me out) because, you see, this mentality stuff is powerful if you get it right. I would instead offer her things like a massage but tell her no sex, just a massage. You have to stick to the no sex thing, otherwise it fails at the first hurdle lol. Then in the meantime you tease her with the odd risque text, give her surprise cuddles and kisses for no reason, nice gestures that show you love her etc etc. Okay, so the idea here is you are putting little nuggets into her mind that as well as all the other stuff that she is....she is also a desireable sexy woman. In other words, make this fun, make it a game you can play together and let her come to you.

    I know nothing that turns me off faster than a guy who thinks he is owed sex, on some kind of timescale, like "Well, we haven't done it for 2 weeks now" kinda thing, because I feel...used I guess. What if I need something else? like a rest

    Men may think that the romance and wooing stops when you get comfy together but I am here to tell you that when you stop making efforts...well....you get what you give! No matter what side of the coin you are on. You say that everything outside the bedroom is great, which is perfect! It gives you the opportunity to go and stir that pot inside her head and get her thinking of you in sexual ways again. Things like surprises, keeping her on her toes, teasing her, creating more affection during non sexual times etc. All this will help. If you are really confident, you could communicate and find out some of her fantasies and with knowledge comes power....to tease and keep her arousal high. Life takes over us sometimes and we let other things slide. It sucks!

    1388364635
    Lucy-leigh [sign in to see picture]
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    yes sexy underwear makes girls feel sexy. and being wined and dined is also a good thing.

    get a babby sitter and have a night just the two of you.

    good luck x

    1388365720
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I also do not buy into the gifts and underwear and taking her out approach. First, because it is not a long term solution and unless you want to keep buying someones arousal, it won't work long term but might be a great boost later on, when things are back, secondly, if she does feel pressured or does sense you want it more, she will feel guilt, which will eventually turn to resentment if she feels like she is constantly letting you down by refusing sex, so gifts and stuff may put her on edge more. If I was with a guy who had a higher drive than me, and I was going through a time when I was knackered or did not want sex for some reason, I would feel 10x more guilty (resentful) in the long run, if he was splashing the cash to try and loosen me up for some loving. I would almost feel...bought. But that is just by opinion on the gifts/lingerie/meals out approach

    The key behind everyones suggestions stands firm though. You want to find ways, every day, to show her you think of her in a loving and sexual (but not just sexual) way. from offering to do a job for her, to cuddles and kisses for no reason, to compliments, teasing and laughing together (teasing and laughing together forms a strong bond) You can do these without gifts and expensiveness and it will make you both feel better because she won't feel like she now "owes" you sex, because of the money you spent on her or whatnot, and you won't feel resentful if she turns you down after some hugs, but you might if you go to huge efforts and she turns you down. If this makes sense?

    1388365866
    Imogen [sign in to see picture]
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    Couldn't agree more with Fluffbags! In fact, Fluffbags, I believe it was you who said something which I've always remembered around this topic when I posted a thread about the breakdown of my previous relationship a couple of months ago. I was blaming myself for the problems, and he was blaming me too, because I'd lost interest in sex even though I still loved him very much. I think you said something about how you wondered how much effort he'd put into making me feel wanted and desired, and that you reckoned my sex drive would come back with a bang once I found someone who did. Well you were absolutely right! I've met someone and I think all the things you've described in your brilliant post here are the sort of things that have made a difference, having someone who makes me feel wanted and special all the time instead of expecting me to turn it on and off like a switch!

    1388377842
    Lucy-leigh [sign in to see picture]
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    what you girls are saying is a good thing but there is nothing wrong with a husband after 10 years of marrage buying a nice gift or having one to one time eating out and getting to know each other again.

    He does not sound like he will expect sex after just might be a step forward and she wont feel bought because its her money too as they are married

    i really hope we all have helped you find your spark agian, just dont give up and good luck. x

    1388378542
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Lucy-leigh wrote:

    what you girls are saying is a good thing but there is nothing wrong with a husband after 10 years of marrage buying a nice gift or having one to one time eating out and getting to know each other again.

    He does not sound like he will expect sex after just might be a step forward and she wont feel bought because its her money too as they are married

    i really hope we all have helped you find your spark agian, just dont give up and good luck. x

    I 100% agree. There is nothing wrong with a husband, or wife buying gifts and spoiling their partners. The only issue I have with this is if it is done in a tit for tat manner. If anyone ever buys gifts or takes their partner out for meals, it should be...just because. No other reason and no ulterior motive. Unfortunately though, suggesting gifts to the OP here, is kinda is ulterior motives because he has asked for advice on how to get her wanting more sex. My personal belief is that if he buys her affections, the results will be short lived at best and at worst, it will make her feel bought and him feel resentful if he is having to fork out for affection.

    Gift giving is a fab idea in general and a great way to show your partner you are thinking of them and want to spoil them. But if there is any ulterior motive behind the gift giving....an expectancy of something in return. Something not communicated but hoped, it turns a little murky. I guess this is why I would suggest showing your love and appreciation in different ways at first For example, renting a movie, getting in some wine and popcorn, cuddling up, massaging each other and having some deep and meaningfuls after. I also thing it means more. If that makes sense? For example, writing little love letters show a real personal touch and imagination, whereas buying flowers (While still a lovely gesture) is the age old quick fix kinda thing?

    Oh i dunno...I am too tired to think straight. I do agree though. I bought my partner a pair of shoes a few months ago, just because I knew he wanted some Vans and he was skinted so I treated him. That counts right? lol

    1388381572
    dh [sign in to see picture]
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    Is your OH using any form of hormone based contraception? We found that my wife's sex drive is completely destroyed by any that we have tried so as a result we only use condoms now. She took the marvelon pill for years and in the beginning of our relationship her sex drive was fine, but after 6 years and 1 child it was non-existent. I think every type of hormone contraceptive lists this as a possible side effect. Your OH's GP should be pretty understanding and should help your OH to try other types of contraceptive (they don't all contain the same hormones and they don't affect every woman in the same way)

    1388398808
    Cap54 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to be negative guys but after 32 yrs me and the OH are at this point and have been for
    A number of years
    Tried talking, tried dirty text (at her request)
    Tried toys
    This only lasts short turn, she will gladly accepted oral and fingering from me on a regular basis but
    The favour is hardly ever returned
    Just gone nine weeks without sex
    So unfortunatley I will have to resort to my trusty fleshlight
    Because its a lot less hassle than trying to work
    Out what's wrong you you can only try so many
    Times

    1388399103
    Cap54 [sign in to see picture]
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    The frustration is the worst part
    There's only so many times when your hand gets pushed away you get to feeling
    Why bother

    1388401533
    Hampshire Hogg [sign in to see picture]
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    MrSouth wrote:

    Hi all.

    Sorry if this has been asked time and time again but I couldn't seem to find anything of relevance.

    My dilemma is this.

    My wife has lost interest when it comes to the bedroom department. I've recently received my LH order to spice things up a bit and when we try to talk about the whole sex thing she plays it off. Things between us out of the bedroom are absolutely fine. It hasn't always been an issue it used to be amazing between us but it seems as the years go on that spark gets less and less.

    I get a little frustrated when I feel there's a perfect opportunity for us (we have 2 young children) and it goes a miss. I respect how she feels and I am aware that she may not want to do it at every chance but over time it gets more and more frustrating.

    Any advice is greatly appreciated.

    Hi,

    I remember being in a similar situation, when my three children were young, my wife lost her identity she just became known have someone's mum.

    Having young children is hard work and for a time sex was not at the top of her agenda.

    All I can suggest is that you be as supportive as you can, offer to take the kids out so she can have some "me" time and make sure you pull your weight around the house.

    Make her feel valued and loved as a wife not just a mum.

    We went though at time when it was weeks between sex sessions, but as our children got older our sex life returned. Now after 22 years of being married is as good as it has ever been.

    Hold on in there things do get better.

    1388401591
    Strange Days [sign in to see picture]
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    Couldn't post here earlier - now OK.

    @Cap54 - you have my sympathy, completely. 100% almost as my case. I eventually did give up. Separation & Divorce are on the cards. Move on, to better pastures.

    1388405367
    mrs average [sign in to see picture]
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    My husband and i have been together 15 years and what you are going through is perfectly normal.
    Giving up is for wimps and if you know anyone who had a long and sucsessful marriage it not because they are totally in harmony with eachother as everything is perfect it's because they work hard at it.
    A few tips...
    Kids are hard work and draining, physically, emotionally and financially. so don't expect her thoughts to turn to sex the moment you have a babysitter. she's probably fantasising about sleep and not watching cbeebies for a change.

    Be helpfull around the house and let her lie in on her own. do this without thinking of sexual rewards. you will be rewarded with a happy woman who tells all her friends how wonderfull you are for doing this.

    Renember it wont be like this for ever. our chikdren are now 12 and 10. They are much more independant and we can enjoy our lie ins together much more and are both more adventurous.

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