• Help! How to explain porn stash to partner?

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    Soren [sign in to see picture]
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    My long-term partner has just found a stash of porn that I downloaded on my laptop!  Like many hot blooded males, I enjoy watching the odd bit of action know and then, but my girl is from quite a conservative and didn't have any prior idea about this. Beside regular porn, I also have some pretty hardcore stuff like gangbangs and bukkake scenes. Anyway, she's absoultely horrified by it and left my a message calling me disgusting and said I make her sick!

    I'm away at the moment and am dreading facing her tonight and was wondering best to explain it. I don't want to lose the relationship but don't think she will accept my honest answer for it. She has a lower drive than me and I have greater urges. Also during her time of the month, she's out of action for about a week, that's mainly where downloads come in. She refuses anything sexual during this time, so no oral or handjob or anything for me. Rather than going looking for other women, I might just watch the odd video instead. Is that really so bad?

    What would you guys do in this situation? Can anyone think of a plausible excuse I might use to try and get of this mess?

    1387025481
    Trial&Error [sign in to see picture]
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    Shouldn't have to excuse it, perhaps you could explain why it's there?

    if you say a mate put it there, you're making the lies worse etc.

    be honest, sounds like the above post is a good place to start explaining.

    1387025770
    RubberStrumpet [sign in to see picture]
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    Being a woman, and knowing how women tend to feel about these sort of things, I think she probably isnt so upset that you watch porn.

    She is likely upset and a little angry that you kept it secret from her so long and she may be feeling a little insecure as you watch 'hardcore' porn that she probably thinks is the sort of thing you prefer as opposed to sex with her.

    A lot of women go out of action for a week during their time of the month. Lots of men manage to stay faithful to their partners during this whole week, and no doubt there is a bit of self gratification involved.

    I dont think any 'excuse' is going to work, and that is definately the wrong way to approach the situation. Sit her down, explain to her what you have explained here (minus the line about looking for other women -_-) , comfort her and tell her that the porn isnt an obsession or an addiction and that sex with her is far better than anything else. 

    When I discovered that my partner was taking herbal pills to try and make himself get erections easily, I was horrified and insulted. Not because he was taking the pills but because he had kept it a secret from me and not discussed his insecurities with me. A loving, trusting and sexual relationship is based on communication. Hope you manage to get your situation sorted.

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    Giggedy89 [sign in to see picture]
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    if you are serious about this girl then stick with it and try your best to explain yourself and hope she accepts this part of you.

    But if this was me, id be questioning whether she is going to be a long term partner if she doesnt fill your needs sexualy. 

    having a good sexual understanding with each other is one of the key points to a good relationship.

    1387026682
    mrs average [sign in to see picture]
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    Lying or making an excuse isn't going to help and women can see through it.
    if the relationship is serious you need to be as honest as you can without being hurtfull or disrespectfull. also be prepared to make compromises. If you are hoping for her to cut you some slack in this area and change her mind then you have to be prepared to cut down on the porn or at least the stuff she can't handle.
    Maybe you say one thing you would like more of from her and she could say one specific thing she wantd you to give up for her.
    Explain but dont excuse, being honest in a kind and gentle way is alwayd the best.

    1387028850
    repliquant [sign in to see picture]
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    Soren wrote:

    What would you guys do in this situation? Can anyone think of a plausible excuse I might use to try and get of this mess?

    Instead of apologizing for being a product of four billion years of evolution for the rest of time, you can just turn around and walk away. No need to suffer this mess for who knows how long — it is worth realizing that you will be on the receiving end at all times. So, today can be the first day of the rest of your life. No idea what the exact number of eligible, evolution-compatible females is, but it is a very large number. Good luck ;)

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    pr4wnst4r [sign in to see picture]
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    Depending on how insecure she is she maybe won't be bothered that you watch it but the fact that you tried to hide it from her or didn't tell her. The most important part of a relationship is trust and I've found that being able to tell eachother everything makes the relationship feel a lot more secure. I wouldn't try and make up excuses as lying to her will only make the situation a lot worse! She's maybe also shocked at the type of porn you watch as you've never mentioned that sort of thing to her and she's wondering if she fufills your sexual needs. I know if I didn't tell my boyfriend that I liked BDSM and he then found a big porn stash of it on my laptop he'd be really shocked and wondering why I didn't tell him etc etc.  
    She also might be upset that she doesn't fill your sexual needs when she isn't in the mood for sex or on her period, you could try explaining to her that you still want something during that week and instead of bothering her for it you did it yourself. There's many ways around this situation but it really depends on what she has to say about it, I hope it goes well and you can sort something out :)

    1387030014
    LetsTryThis [sign in to see picture]
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    Soren wrote:

    Also during her time of the month, she's out of action for about a week, that's mainly where downloads come in. She refuses anything sexual during this time, so no oral or handjob or anything for me. Rather than going looking for other women, I might just watch the odd video instead. Is that really so bad?

    This is the part I have a problem with.  She's on her period, there are many of us who don't "perform" during that time.  But if my husband said to me my choices are a) accept he watches porn or b) he goes and finds another women, then he could find himself being without my "performances" for a lot longer than just one week in a month!!  What about c) you find other ways to be initimate and support her through a grotty time of the month?  That you appreciate what she is going through and show some support by also going without like she is.  

    Don't get me wrong, I don't care that my husband watches porn, I watch it myself.  I get horny as hell in the initial days of my period but it's gross so we don't have sex.  But I find the above way too selfish for someone to be in a long term relationship with me.  What about her needs/desires?  Talk to her about how you can find a way of compromising between your needs and hers.  Have you actually spoken to her to find out why she has such a lower sex drive?  (For example mine has been known to hit rock bottom when work is being particularly stressful, when he isn't pulling his weight at home, and when I don't feel as cherished as I should.)

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    pr4wnst4r [sign in to see picture]
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    LetsTryThis wrote:

    Soren wrote:

    Also during her time of the month, she's out of action for about a week, that's mainly where downloads come in. She refuses anything sexual during this time, so no oral or handjob or anything for me. Rather than going looking for other women, I might just watch the odd video instead. Is that really so bad?

    This is the part I have a problem with.  She's on her period, there are many of us who don't "perform" during that time.  But if my husband said to me my choices are a) accept he watches porn or b) he goes and finds another women, then he could find himself being without my "performances" for a lot longer than just one week in a month!!  What about c) you find other ways to be initimate and support her through a grotty time of the month?  That you appreciate what she is going through and show some support by also going without like she is.  

    Don't get me wrong, I don't care that my husband watches porn, I watch it myself.  I get horny as hell in the initial days of my period but it's gross so we don't have sex.  But I find the above way too selfish for someone to be in a long term relationship with me.  What about her needs/desires?  Talk to her about how you can find a way of compromising between your needs and hers.  Have you actually spoken to her to find out why she has such a lower sex drive?  (For example mine has been known to hit rock bottom when work is being particularly stressful, when he isn't pulling his weight at home, and when I don't feel as cherished as I should.)

    I have to agree with this, I'm on the pill so don't usually get periods, I sometimes can get horny so I'll just do things to my boyfriend but when I have cramps etc I just hand him the stroker to use which he seems happy with. If theres anything good about periods it's how good the sex is after you've gone without for about a week! Everyones different, some people have sex whilst they're on their period, some will just do sexual favours for their OH and some don't want to do anything which is perfectly normal and okay. 

    1387040688
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I know this sounds...weird, but I really don't think you should be put into a situation where you have to make excuses, promise to delete all "offending" material and then forever sneak around deleting history and panicking if she uses your PC forever more. I really think you need to be honest with her. :S

    You are right, a very large proportion of the population watch pron occasionally and it is there for entertainment. From what I have heard from the majority of guys, they watch porn in happy healthy relationships as well as when they are single. It has no bearing on your relationship, or how much you love her, just like a woman picking up a vibrator, we do not "prefer" the vibrator, but it is just an aid to getting us to orgasm, same as porn for men. (being more visual)

    I personally don't think orgasms or pleasure should be "tit for tat" I don't understand why, if a man or woman is feeling horny, but their partner is out of action for a week or so, due to illness, whatever...why that person should "go without" to prove they are willing to suffer? The only exception to this would be if the partner actually did want to have sex, or play and the other person turned them down in favour of pron, or playing alone. Then I could see a problem. This is the same for couples with mismatched sex drives. It is just as unfair to demand that the high sex drive person "just waits" until the low sex drive person is ready, as it is to force the low sex drive person into forcing orgasms to please the high sex drive person, but like "letstrythis" says, I also take issue to how you worded the last part of your post. There is nothing wrong at all with enjoying some porn when she is out of action, but to say "Well, its this or I go find another woman" is ....just....no! 

    Porn is not cheating, self pleasure is not cheating...but using it as an excuse to "avoid" cheating is low. Would you really consider going with another woman, if porn wasn't there? if so i think you might not have much self control! 

    Anyway, back to the point. I personally found this article, written about how porn is not cheating, really funny and helpful: http://www.girlonthenet.com/2012/03/05/on-whether-porn-is-cheating/

    I hope you sort it out! Best of luck 

    1388708164
    naughtywildfun90 [sign in to see picture]
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    why should you have to explain it? mot men own or watch porn apparently even more women do it too. xx

    1388711814
    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    How long ago was it downloaded? If it was before you started seeing her tell her that. Tell her you don't watch it anymore now you have her and offer to delete it.

    1388715165
    Hazy [sign in to see picture]
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    Tell her the truth, frankly and honestly. Be prepared for any questions that she might have and be prepared for an adult discussion about it. She may be hurt that you havent told her about it rather than that you have it on your laptop.

    1388715466
    ShannonMarlene [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't see the issue with the porn itself.
    My man rarely watches porn (I watch it more than him!) but I actually don't find any offence in it what-so-ever because I know that he still much prefers me to porn and it's not a replacement for our own intimacy.

    You need to ask her what it is exactly that she's angry about - whether it be you watching/having porn, whether she's feeling insecure or not good enough herself, or anything else.

    You need to reassure her that the porn is absolutely nothing to do with her and it's a perfectly normal and natural thing for guys to do, no matter what their love life is like.

    As for the TotM, it seems a bit strange she refuses any sexual contact. A lot of woman actually prefer sex while on their period and are even more turned on because of the hormones. I get that they can be painful and make you feel generally awful but if things are going well outside of the bedroom and you're treating her well then their shouldn't be in issue.

    But really, rather than talking to us about it, you really do need to try have a calm talk with her.

    1388748403
    Beximo [sign in to see picture]
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    I watch a lot more porn than my partner does but I remember the first time I did stumble upon his online stash I was mortified, not because he was watching it but because he lied about it. Once we'd had a chat it was fine, it kind of turned me own knowing every know and then he'd be upstairs "doing paperwork"
    This was then sometimes how our foreplay would start.
    Be honest with your girl, find out what she has a problem with exactly, suggesting out some on in the background whilst you are having sex. Most of all BE HONEST

    1388757912
    taraman [sign in to see picture]
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    If your gf is not particularly computer literate and the porn was loaded some time ago, I would suggest you tell her it is old porn that you left on your computer and forgot to delete.  

    1388796781
    BDSM [sign in to see picture]
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    i think you have to be honest with her. There is no point in lying or trying to come up with excuses.

    you have to face the possibility that she might go nuts. There are many women, who are completely and totally anti porn, think it is disgusting, degrading to women and should be banned. if she holds those opinions, there is very little you can do about it  

    you could delete and and promise never to look up any more - many women will insist on that, but it is likely to bite you on the bum if you get caught in the future  

    1388846289
    flaneur [sign in to see picture]
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    I've had similar situations like this before where people left loads of porn in my car. The woman wanted every excuse to get angry about it, she even knew it wasn't mine. I just opened it right in front of her and started started looking at it and got her to say what she objected to. Once we had made our points I binned it in her presence and drove off. We didn't really discuss porn again.

    This is risky but it's the way I'd handle it every time. My current stash is hidden on a micro SD card and password protected. The way I see it  nobody gets to decide what I can and can't do with porn and I'm better off with it.

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    jeffngloria [sign in to see picture]
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    I used to watch a bit of porn my OH doesn't mind although you could try to tell her about a good statistic I once heard that 85% of people masturbate and the other 15% are liars lol
    Porn is simply a masturbation aid for men

    1388848925
    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    Notices date of first post. I wonder how the conversation went....

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