• Natural and shy Vs falsely confident?

    KittyKat84 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 25 Nov 2013

    Hi All,

    I'm new to this forum so I thought I'd start by saying hi and giving you a bit of background to my situation...

    About 1 month ago I split up with my long term partner. I now have a friends with benefits (FWB) arrangement with someone. Our first "meeting" is next week. I've only ever slept with 3 people. I haven't had sex in over a year and even when me an my ex were having sex it was rare and I always felt like just a means to an end. He never made me feel sexy and I dreaded it. Looking back on it I don't think I've had an orgasm for the past 3 years, if not longer.

    My dilema relates to my first "meeting" with my FWB next week. Because of my sexual history ^^, the fact that I'm overweight (14 stone) and gravity isn't kind to my boobs, I have massive sexual confidence issues.

    So the dilema - I don't know whether to be honest and tell my FWB that I'm nervous and self conscious or to try and act confident so it's sexier for my FWB. I know it's not all about pleasing him, but if he thinks I'm sexy and treats me as though I'm sexy then I'll feel sexy and be a lot happier.

    Thanks in advance,


    Ste [sign in to see picture]
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    Bigger ladies can be incredibly incredibly sexy. Don't ever think you are not sexy because you carry some excess weight as it's simply not true.

    Are you sure a FWB arrangement is what you want? Do you simply want a means to an end (sex) with no guarantees of orgasms or them caring about getting you off?

    Not trying to put you off, and I definitely understand the confidence issues but if you have a bad experience with this it is going to hurt you even more.

    KittyKat84 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 25 Nov 2013

    Yes, this is defintiely what I want - I'm 99.9% sure he cares that I'm pleased as well. We have been sexting each other for a couple of weeks and he talks about giving me oral, making me climax on my own, asking me what I like etc.

    I know there is a risk that I will get hurt but isn't everything in life a risk? Driving in a car is a risk. I was with my ex for 11 years and looking back I wasn't happy for a long time but never had the "balls" to bring it up or do anything about it. I was too comfortable with the emotional and financial security. Because of this I feel like I've missed out on a lot of things, enjoying sex being one of them.

    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't know if this makes you feel any better but I believe that most people feel very similar leading up to their first time with a new lover, including guys. Unless he thinks of himself as a perfect Casanova, you can guarantee is he worrying about the size of his penis, his "too hairy" parts or his flat bum or whatever his particular body issues are. He will also be worrying about pleasing you, just as much as you are about him.

    I know how it feels to be in your shoes. When I met my partner I had had two children and pregnancy has not been kind to my stomach. I have loads of stretchmarks, silver now, but still noticeable in certain light. I got these marks not just on my belly but down my thighs and all the way to my knees and on my boobs. I also have a roll around my belly now, a little leftover pouch from where they grew lol. Anyway I had so many body issues but I later found out that he did too and he talks about out first time with a smile as he says he watched me walk and my bum swaying and loved my shape. Even now I still whinge at him about my wobbly bits (Now I have a lot of cellulite) and all he says is "shut up, I fancy the pants off you, I love the way your hips curve and your boobs etc, and it seems he is telling the truth because 4 years later, he still gets an erection from just seeing me naked.

    The truth is, we are our own worst critics and it can be terrifying knowing someone will see our "worst" bits when we get naked, but they do not see us the way we do and clearly he fancies you (Unless this is a blind date) but, without being blunt, he must be able to tell you are not a size ten, with your clothes on and yet he still fancies you and he knows that when your clothes come off he isnt going to find a stick thin lady because he can see you now, just the way you are and he likes what he sees. We may never believe guys when they tell us they love our boobs or bums, because we look at them and think "really?" lol, but clearly they do and that attraction grows stronger the more we get attached to our partner, like rose-tinted spectacles, we only see the beauty in them, whereas in ourselves we just see the worst.

    I would do whatever your gut instinct is telling you to do. I would recommend not faking anything though, because you want to enjoy this time too right? We only live once and if we put on a big act only to please others, what enjoyment do we get if we are constantly in "acting mode" you know? I told my guy that I was insecure before we got together and what tends to happen is he will reassure you that he finds you sexy as hell and you still won't believe him and won't feel any better. lol (been there) so this doesn't help but it might help him to understand why you are nervous. I would say not to put on an act, but try and dig deep for the belief that he does actually fancy you and this will give you a little confidence to show him exactly why he was right to choose you, as you blow his mind. hehe.

    Good luck xx

    Never enough [sign in to see picture]
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    Fluffbag you actually just literally brought a tear to my eye!! Well spoken!! If your shy then be yourself! At least then when you are more comfortable with him it will boost his confidence too! When iv first met previous lovers they've loved my shy personality then when I'm more confident they love it even more because iv come out of my shell for THEM and always been myself... Plus a bottle of wine always helps :) if you've never previously met treat it as a date maybe? Meet in a public place but talk about a time that you are both ready to go and... Ahem.. Lol whatever you do though have fun!! :D

    LauraP [sign in to see picture]
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    The one thing I've found over the years is men don't notice your faults until you point them out. At my heaviest I was 19stone. At the moment I'm down to 15 and a half and actually feel really good about myself. I have stretch marks on my boobs because when I was 11 I got my first bra, I was a C cup, Tra dah!! Boobs! Thanks mother nature. Currently I'm a 38G. I also have them on my legs, arms and stomach because when I was depressed I put on a lot of weight very quickly.

    Fuck it. This is part of my history. It's not who I am any more. My scars were earned with a lot of pain and I'd never undo my past. It made me who I am. Without that experience I would have never learned to love who I am. Sometimes we need to crash and burn so we can rise from the flames.

    I wasted 4 years of my life once because I too was too scared to leave someone who was no good for me.

    It was only on leaving that I found my strength. I traveled europe on my own because it was something I had always wanted to do but had been too scared before. I let fear steal what were meant to be the best years of my life.

    I'm with fluffbags. We are our own worse enemies. If he makes you happy thats all that matters. I hope it works out for you. There's no shame in admitting you're not feeling confident but maybe on the night you'll feel better about it. Especially once you're with him and it feels right.

    Janny [sign in to see picture]
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    Bigger women are fine, but FWB should be a friend that you are comfortable with, right. So if not, maybe not the right person for you?

    FrumCouple [sign in to see picture]
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    In addition to adding my agreement to all the above (I am a proud member of the Big-is-beautiful-and-let-all-naysayers-go-to-#&!! movement ), I just wanted to add that what attracted me first to OH was her shyness (plus like NE said, when she came out of her shell for me that was the most amazing turn on ). So be yourself and be proud of yourself, you will both benefit from this approach.

    DavidB1986 [sign in to see picture]
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    I am a firm believer in being yourself. It's so much hard work trying to be someone else. It's much more rewarding too. x

    KittyKat84 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 25 Nov 2013

    Hi Everyone,

    Thank you so much for all the replies. Especially to Fluffbags, your comments pretty much had me in tears and really helped a lot :) Open and honest for me I think

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