How do i get him to...(This will be long, lol)

I'm gonna ask a bunch of questions here, lol. My partner and i have good/great sex, when it happens. He doesn't seem to get it when i try to hint at what i want. I've even come out and told him i hated his foreplay because i don't know what to do. I've been forcing myself on him lately because sex was down to once a month. (Porn doesn't even seem to work anymore but hes still downloading it...which i have a problem with but thats an entire different issue.)

I've told him that going straight for my clit wasn't how foreplay worked with me. He won't even kiss me anywhere but my lips unless i'm in some position where i can get my neck near his face. His hands stay in certain places and within 5 minutes he's trying to take off my pants, even when i tell him to slow down. I try to move his hands around, he gets the hint for a minute maybe, then it's back to trying to get my pants off.

Every. Single.Time.

And when he knows we're going to have sex, he completely strips. I turn around and he's standing there naked. He won't even undress me completely.  Now i understand how being half dressed is sometimes hot but he doesn't even bother thinking about removing my shirt or bra. If i start to then he'll help.

If he's ever in the mood he starts kissing me and goes straight for my clit.

I've sent him articles about what women like during foreplay and what not, he won't read them.

I'm so fustrated and pissed off. I'm shy and can't bring mysef to talk dirty.(I'm a screamer tho, lol)  I text him things, send pics to his cell phone when he's out at work or with his friends. He really has nothing to say and it sure as hell doesn't make him come home quicker.

I've asked him if he wanted me to do something for him. All he seems to want is to have his dick touched, sucked and fucked. He won't tell me anything.

How do i get him to be more romantic or at least learn what the hell foreplay is? He's 29, it's not like he's new at this.

Hi Lilith, sounds like he is happy operating in his own comfort zone and the kid ain't for turning ie trying out new stuff... he seems to be getting it all on his terms and you may have to shift him out of his comfort zone, te danger is that he would rebuff your initiative/s which could leave you feeling low.

So better try something more along your normal daily routines, like maybe jumping on him in the shower, hopefully not big enough for you to have to suck his cock straight  away and hopefully getting sudsy might prove eventful as a prelude to you dragging him to the bed to continue.

If he's not reading the stuff you are sending then he is a case for help, and if he is rooted in his routine then it calls for something to bring him out of it, funny how he doesn't seem to get bored by it himself though!!

Just a thought.

Tallboy  

He won't take a shower with me. He's afraid of falling or something. I've even tried getting him to wash my back when he comes in to use the bathroom.

Oh and he doesn't masturbate. We're always together in the house so he has no alone time.

It's really odd for me because back in December he went on a trip to see family for a month,without me and he became this raging horny beast. We were on webcam and he was sending me all these dirty things, telling me what he was gonna do to me...and when he got home nothing happened. Nothing he talked about came true. We had sex a few times and that was it.

I have no clue whats going on or how to fix it. He is going to a therapist for another reason...i feel kinda selfish asking him to talk to the guy about his lack of sex drive as well.

Seems he has things that definately turn him on then, the raging sex beast as you describe, and maybe you were both getting your rocks off when doing that, seems his imagination is greater that what he is prepared to do in reality at the moment- for whatever reason ????

Do you have two computers in the house where you could try and recreate one of these scenarios- the difficulty will still be that you will both need to be up for it. You say he never masturbates when the two of you are in the house...why doesn't he, could be a shedful of reasons. He might be quite the prisoner of his upbringing to this point, and you might have to show him the way...... and hope he gets the hint....if your shy then easier said than done, but it's for a good cause so hopefully you can screw up your courage and grasp the nettle. If he sees you being adventurous he may go down the same path...

Communication is always the preferred action but sometimes direct action is required....

Good luck... Try a shower mat to guard against his falling !!  

Also..In everyday life he's very affectionate, so it's not a lack of emotion or caring. I know he seems completely selfish but we do use positions that i love too.

I know he's not all about getting off. He has no sex drive.

He doesn't seem to realize that me having 1 orgasm is a let down because they aren't as powerful as his. I can make myself orgasm with a toy within 2 minutes but it will completely suck. I'd only do it to stop the initial feeling of being horny. I would have many in a row if he would just do certain things. He gets tired and he's always like "Your turn", and i have to be on top or preform oral.

Guys don't have bad orgasms...at least i don't think so, lol.

I feel like he's holding back because he doesn't want rejection.(I freaked out at his anal sugguestion 6 months ago. He only told me through text, he's never spoken to me about it.) He says he just doesn't have a sex drive and he doesn't know why.

I don't understand why he keeps downloading porn as well if he can't even get aroused from it. I seem to be the only thing that can make him hard. It has to be manually though. He won't even take advantage of morning wood.

Bah! i'm so fustrated! Lol

We REALLY need an edit post button.

He's done his share of masturbating. I think he just became bored with it so he had stopped. He barely masturbated when we started dating. When we moved in together he stopped completely.

He doesn't seem shy about anything. I really think it's some sort of "my opinion will be wrong so i won't say anything"  thing caused by his damn parents.

I text his phone and try to get him in the mood but it doesn't seem to work. He won't get horny because he's at work or with friends. It's like that part of his brain is completely shut off when he's out.

When we didn't see eachother for that month is when his sex drive came back..but dissapeared once we had sex once or twice.

Seems he's maybe not being honest wit either you or maybe even himself, if he's sggeste anal then there would apear to be the glimmerings of a sex drive there somewhere methinks!!! If he's loading too much- is there such a thing !!! = then his gestalt point may have increased,you read about this where people often seek ever greater gratification - leading lord knows where !! Did you see the story about David Crradine for example?

Mayve consider masturbation/toys after you have made love to let him know that you are able to come more than once, and he may get into the habit of playing with you, who knows amybe even stimulating your other less sexual body parts until you are kinda tingly all over and wet as hell....... it will be an education l am sure, but as they say lifelong learning...... kinda you two are the key players in making all this happen !!

TB

He knows i can orgasm multiple times, he's made me do it earlier in our relationship.

He claims he mentioned anal because he didn't care what orifice was used, as long as he could be close to and satisfy me. He's not into anything unusual or freaky. Anal is really not my cup of tea and he knows that. Hell i can't even get him to blindfold me, lol.

Tonight after we had sex he complained about having to go to work. I asked him if he could use my one and only toy on me and he was like "I have to go to work in the morning." I told him that it would take me less time to have multiple orgasms than what i spent on giving him head. It would of been the first time he's used any toy on me. (We've been in a relationship for almost 2 yrs.)

I gave up and asked if maybe after work he could use it on me. He said maybe. I told him usually guys get turned on by thinking about doing that with their spouse. He said he was a turn on, it's just that he had to work.

I guess I'll try again tonight.

If anyone else reads this...feel free to jump in, lol.

I feel like we're emailing eachother.

Lileth - welcome to the forums. So sorry that you are frustrated with your sex life at the moment.

TB has made a few good points there. I for one can vouch on the computor scenario!!

I set up my husbands computor to automatically log onto msn when he logged in to internet. He did not know this though - and (naughtily) I added 'myself' onto his contact list....so the night came...and I retired to my room. Waited a while and then messaged him. Of course he had no idea who I was - he rarely uses msn anyway, and yes I know it could have backfired on me...but it didnt. After an initial hesitation and asking who I was, I gave him one clue and he instantly knew it was me!!

What followed was fabulous - by the time I 'allowed' him to log off and find me....he was so horny it was unreal. We had mind blowing sex that night. From time to time I will log onto that ID and message him....and he loves it!

Was going to ask how old, but just read hes 29 - are you similar ages then? Any children involved? Do you live together...or have a place where you can be totally at ease?

N40

 I think that another approach might be helpful, because you appear to have tried many things, none of which have got you what you want.

So, I would suggest that perhaps your partner responds poorly to subtlety.  Your efforts to spare his feelings by telling him what a crap lover he is appear to have been fruitless, because nothing has changed.  It sounds to me like in order to modify his habits, he will need to feel some motivation to do so, which he clearly lacks at the moment.

So how to motivate him - is he generally interested in your pleasure?  Is he generally interested in self-improvement?  If not, you might be in trouble, and might have to consider how you want to proceed.  If so, you probably have something to work with.

Honestly, from every effort you have described, none of those have had any effect, so I really think that bluntness is the only thing you haven't tried yet.  So I would arrange a time with him to sit down alone together, and I would tell him straight out that whatever good things you feel about him as a human being, you are disappointed with your sex life, and that his sexual practices leave you feeling unsatisfied.  If he responds productively by exhibiting a desire to explore and improve himself and your satisfaction, then you'll know you're on the right track.  If he doesn't, then you'll have to decide how to proceed from there.

If he ask you why you never said anything before, remind him of all the things you've tried, how long you've been trying them, that to you, he appeared to disregard all of them, and you don't know why.

I think that you must think very highly of him as a human being to have put up with this for so long.  I know I wouldn't.  I really hope things improve for you, they sound very unsatisfactory at the moment.

Good luck.

Hey Naughty40, thanks for the welcome.

I'm 27, there are no kids involved BUT we do live with my mother. He doesn't seem bothered by sex in the house with her home though. She would never say anything to us. 

I try to be quiet but it's hard. He's never told me to keep it down when i've been a screamer. Being a pillow biter doesn't seem to work well enough. lol

Lubyanka wrote:

So how to motivate him - is he generally interested in your pleasure?  Is he generally interested in self-improvement?

He doesn't seem like a selfish lover. He always makes sure i'm being pleased as well. He just doesn't seem to realize that what he's used too seems a bit odd to me. I can't believe any of his exs put up with it. I don't know what he did with them. He's never spoken to me about anything sexual with his past partners..and i'm glad for that, lol.

I also don't want to harp on him too much. I feel selfish. I also feel a good sex life with your partner is important though.

He's going through some alcohol addiction problems right now, he's just started therapy. I don't want him to feel like i'm finding something else to bitch about now that he's not drinking. I dunno, maybe i'm paranoid when it comes to that but it worries me thats what he thinks.

Some might say the drinking screwed up his sex drive. He did have one when he was drunk. I put up with it for awhile but then kept rejecting him because of how inebriated he was so he stopped trying.

His interest in sex has been about once a month for the past 6 months or so. I've been all over him this/last month though, so we've been having sex more. He still looks at porn but it does nothing for him. I think this is worrying him which is why he keeps looking at it. I ask him why he's looking at it and he has no response. He has no problem staying erect. No problems with premature ejaculation. Hell, we recently found out he can orgasm twice in one session every once in awhile. (I was so proud, lol.)

I didn't want to make sex a big deal, but i feel our sex life is unhealthy.

I even plan on getting him a fleshlight to see if that might help.

Lilith wrote:

He doesn't seem like a selfish lover. He always makes sure i'm being pleased as well. He just doesn't seem to realize that what he's used too seems a bit odd to me. I can't believe any of his exs put up with it. I don't know what he did with them. He's never spoken to me about anything sexual with his past partners..and i'm glad for that, lol.

[...] I even plan on getting him a fleshlight to see if that might help.

If he always makes sure you're satisfied, how do you think your sex life came to be like this?  Have you been telling him you're satisfied when you aren't?

I'm wondering, how do you think a fleshlight will help him become a more considerate lover to you?

I just figured a fleshlight would make him eager to try something sexual if i used it on him. I wanted to get myself a new toy so i wanted to get him something too.

I really don't know how our sex life became like this. I've always been a little curious about his lack of foreplay. He doesn't try to penetrate right away and he makes sure i'm wet enough. It just seems like he's got some sort of learning disability when it comes to foreplay, lol.

I really can't even remember when it went downhill because we were dealing with other problems. I thought it might of been depression affecting him. He doesn't feel attractive at times. I don't either but i still have a sex drive.I show him affection all the time and he knows i find him attractive.

I even dressed up for him in a Halloween costume and still got barely any foreplay. I wanted to show him that i wanted to turn him on.

I might just buy those under the bed restraints, cuff him and talk to him, tease him, or refuse to let him out until he kisses/touches me in other places, lol.

Lilith wrote:

I just figured a fleshlight would make him eager to try something sexual if i used it on him. I wanted to get myself a new toy so i wanted to get him something too. [...] It just seems like he's got some sort of learning disability when it comes to foreplay, lol.

[...] I even dressed up for him in a Halloween costume and still got barely any foreplay. [...] I might just buy those under the bed restraints, cuff him and talk to him, tease him, or refuse to let him out until he kisses/touches me in other places, lol.

I think you've learnt by now that his sexual desire in general, and his desire for you in particular, are separate issues to his specific abilities and practices to warm you up sexually as you prefer.  I think that trying new toys or costumes is likely to be unhelpful with regard to foreplay because those things only draw general focus to sex, and are pretty unspecific, foreplay-wise.  Anyhow, you've tried those things before and nothing changed, you said.

I honestly think that this is a communication issue.  It seems clear to me that he doesn't know what you want, and he doesn't know that you're missing it badly.  I think that the quickest and easiest way to get him to do what you want is to tell him specifically, in explicit words, what it is that you're longing for him to do to you.  If you're worried about his confidence as a lover, all I can say is, you want what you want, you're not getting it, you need it, and you are every bit as entitled to consideration in the bedroom (or wherever) as the next person.

If your partner is at all like every other person I know, he is unlikely to be able to read your mind.  You've said that you told him that going straight for your clitoris doesn't work for you.  I think you are going to have to tell him what does work for you, otherwise he won't know.

I think you may have to continue in your frustration if you keep trying the same things, because you already know that those have little or no effect.  Unless there is something about the frustration you describe which you like, I think that telling him specifically and explicitly how to improve his foreplay for you is your most likely way to succeed.

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate, and I feel for you.  Good luck.

Newbie first post...

FWIW

If your to shy to discuss it with your partner

How about emailing him a link to this thread :-)

Lilith wrote:

He won't take a shower with me. He's afraid of falling or something. I've even tried getting him to wash my back when he comes in to use the bathroom.

Oh and he doesn't masturbate. We're always together in the house so he has no alone time.

It's really odd for me because back in December he went on a trip to see family for a month,without me and he became this raging horny beast. We were on webcam and he was sending me all these dirty things, telling me what he was gonna do to me...and when he got home nothing happened. Nothing he talked about came true. We had sex a few times and that was it.

I have no clue whats going on or how to fix it. He is going to a therapist for another reason...i feel kinda selfish asking him to talk to the guy about his lack of sex drive as well.

Does he simply have something already on his mind, issues with being confident maybe he feels pressured by you or feels bad that he's not meeting your needs and like alot of fellas just ignoring it hoping it will go away! The toy might be an indicator of this. He sounds like he is behaving lazily, undressed quickly, rushing foreplay etc.. I cannot understand any mental issues he has but could you answer yourself, does he generally seem more tired and lazy.

His month long trip might of relieved him of much responsibility so he felt he could relax and give him a much needed energy boost.

I don't believe you are being selfish, neither partner should be pressured into anything and neither should be resentful.

As a solution it is hard to judge as you know the situation best. I believe however that maybe you should make time for sex, some people detest this idea, but for others it gives them some time to connect. Maybe you should take charge and tell him exactly what to do. Have a little surprise ready maybe? Tie him up and make him do things. I love being in charge of my girlfriend but sometimes its just so good to release everything and do exactly as I'm told!It can be liberating, something he might need a little.

Sorry this is a long thread so I haven't read all the answers, so someone probably has said this, but IMHO it's time to sit him down away from the bedroom and talk.  He's not giving you what you need and that's got to change.  This is a very hard thing to do and you have my sympathies but I think you need to do it.  He may not be able to change much, but he needs to try because this is not fair on you.

There was that TV programme where Tracey Cox and the gay guy (Sorry can't remember his name!!) would intervene with couples who were on the point of breaking up (not saying you are!!).  It was on Channel 4 so have a look on their website for tips.  You need to get through to him that this is not OK for you and that he needs to change.

Good luck!

redapple wrote:

Have you looked into alcohol withdrawal and recovery, I would strongly advise it  .... there's loads on the net and that may answer a lot of your questions, also talking to an alcohol recovery therapist yourself with regards to his health -mental and physical and recovery  ............ good luck ................. xx

He's having no signs of withdrawal ...at least no physical ones. He's stopped for a month before with no problem.

He's in therapy now for it. I believe he will be talking to his therapist to see if his sex drive problems is a side effect of the drinking.