• Boyfriend snogging other guys

    1383682591
    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    From what I've seen of you, you're not the dependent type, so you're not wanting him to stay with you constantly. Just not leave you quite so alone. That's what I'd have the conversation about, him leaving you on your own at a party where you didn't know anyone.

    Before the next party, I'd also try to meet up (as a couple) with people who are likely to be at these gatherings. Just to get to know them and begin to form your own friendships. That's an affirmation of your interest in his life and also meets him part way.

    How does that sound?

    1383690966
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    No I'm not really too dependent on him, I enjoyed talking to different people at the party I wouldn't want him to be permanently attached to me!

    I think that will definitely be worked into the conversation somewhere so it's not just all about the kissing. That's a good idea, thank you.

    I already know a lot of the people that he works with and their partners/friends from previous parties. When we go to work parties often we'll separate for a bit and mingle so he knows I get on well with his friends.

    I don't want to be a nag and tell him not to drink much, I want him to have a good time. We just need to set definite limits and boundaries... like I said before I think he just sees me as someone who doesn't really have many limits and he has never really upset me before so he was a bit surprised when I was crying. Maybe that will be enough to tell him that his behaviour really wasn't on... I don't know.

    1383838636
    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    Are you feeling like you're coming from a more secure and calmer state of mind now? It sounds like you are.

    Could the heart of all this be a fear of losing him and your great relationship? Maybe even an underlying fear that it's too good to be true? Or maybe just a sense that if he's gay, it's out of your control?

    Just thinking out loud. Good luck with it, ddd.

    1383841076
    yorkieted [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm 100% straight and I'd never contemplate kissing another bloke. Like LetsTryIt says, I think it's a problem (unless you're in an open relationship) that he kisses another person whether they're male or female but my instincts are telling me that he has to have at least some bisexual or gay tendencies to kiss another man.

    And for the record, I played rugby at a reasonably decent level until I tore the medial ligaments in my right knee in my late 20s and I never saw two straight blokes kissing (we did see a few girls snogging each other at a few socials though!). I know of at least one gay bloke who plays rugby at my old club and his boyfriend goes down to the club to watch sometimes, but they don't kiss in public (they have done, but they get the piss ripped out of them - wolf whistles, Brokeback Mountain jokes etc).

    At the risk of appearing sexist, I think straight girls occasionally do it as a "bit of a giggle" when a bit tipsy as they know it turns men on, but I don't think the same applies to men.

    1383843917
    taraman [sign in to see picture]
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    yorkieted wrote:

    I'm 100% straight and I'd never contemplate kissing another bloke. Like LetsTryIt says, I think it's a problem (unless you're in an open relationship) that he kisses another person whether they're male or female but my instincts are telling me that he has to have at least some bisexual or gay tendencies to kiss another man.

    And for the record, I played rugby at a reasonably decent level until I tore the medial ligaments in my right knee in my late 20s and I never saw two straight blokes kissing (we did see a few girls snogging each other at a few socials though!). I know of at least one gay bloke who plays rugby at my old club and his boyfriend goes down to the club to watch sometimes, but they don't kiss in public (they have done, but they get the piss ripped out of them - wolf whistles, Brokeback Mountain jokes etc).

    At the risk of appearing sexist, I think straight girls occasionally do it as a "bit of a giggle" when a bit tipsy as they know it turns men on, but I don't think the same applies to men.

    I completely agree with everything yorkieted says and would also say that having been in the army for 8 years in the Army I also never saw two straight men kissing.

    1383855849
    MissTerryCleavage [sign in to see picture]
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    Hope you get things sorted DDD. I wonder if this is just a reaction from a tough tour? I know/have known many squaddies and they have all reacted differently upon return, some retreating in to themselves completely, others appearing to change personality to be so different from before they left, it affects people in different ways. Not sure kissing other guys is anything to do with this, but after 6 months cooped up experiencing things many will never understand who knows?

    I've been to many a squaddie party and some of them have been outrageous to say the least. Given they spend so much time together, they are generally very comfortable with their mates and are more than open with each other...

    But his behaviour has upset you and this is what needs addressing in the first instance, you definitely don't want to be experiencing these same feelings after the next party. I wonder if the time apart has caused you to have perceptions of him that aren't based on reality, but are the work of our brains when we are apart, mischievious little buggers brains, making us think irrationally, remembering things differently, altering perceptions, and the distance will have amplified all that beyond 'normal' levels and so there is inevitably a period of readjustment whilst you get back to reality and learning to 'know' each other properly again,, not the Skype/email version we have created in our heads. I say this from a place of experience, after one of my 'friends' did a tour a few years ago and going through all that with him. When he returned, there was definitely a period of readjustment....

    Think I've gone off the point and waffled far too much but maybe a snippet or two might make sense...

    I'm confident you'll sort it :) xx

    1383862924
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry not able to quote posts for some reason!

    Rosehip- Yes I am feeling much calmer. I saw him yesterday and just didn't want to bring it up because it was a special day for me and didn't want to ruin it. Everything was great and I just felt like I wanted to let it go.
    I'm going to try to talk to him about it at the weekend. I'm terrified of losing him, I've felt for a long time that it's too good to be true it's like I've been waiting for something to go tits up.

    MTC- I don't know if that's the case really. The time apart obviously took its toll but I don't think he really had a "tough" tour unless there's a lot he's not telling me! And he kissed guys before he went away so I don't think he's changed. You've definitely hit the nail on the head with the readjustment period and things have changed between us.

    I feel a bit better now. I've had a tough week with lots of things going on and I just felt like I was drowning having to deal with this issue too! I do feel calmer, I'm not going to ignore the issue and we do need to talk. But hopefully I can just approach the subject a bit more tactfully and deal with whatever the truth might be. Will keep you updated!
    Thanks everyone xxx

    1383864182
    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    dotdashdot wrote:

    I'm terrified of losing him, I've felt for a long time that it's too good to be true it's like I've been waiting for something to go tits up.

    For all that you didn't handle it well (under the influence and everything), the core of this sentiment is positive - he's worth worrying about losing. Hopefully he'll be able to reassure you that what you have is true and hopefully you'll be able to really accept him on that.

    Something for you to maybe think about beforehand - how much do you need his behaviour to change and how much do you just need resassurace that things are good between you?

    Fingers crossed it all goes well. x

    1384119148
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    Sooo. We talked. Ughh it was so awkward bringing it up but I do feel better now He was very apologetic and didn't realise it would upset me so much.

    He made it very clear that it didn't mean anything, he does not have sexual feelings about men. He is not gay or bi. He said it was just a drunken thing, something a lot of guys have done in his rugby clubs, something his friends and brother have done.

    I made it clear that I think it's weird and do not want him to do it again. He said he wouldn't and was very cross with himself for upsetting me.

    So yeah. I just want to take his word for it and move on. I trust him and believe what he said. If it happens again there will be consequences and he knows that. It was more of a reassurance that things were good between us that I needed. Fingers crossed that all will be okay I guess xx

    1384119819
    Janny [sign in to see picture]
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    Kissing is fine I think as a straight man - it does happen when drunk. But snogging, tounges and all sounds a bit strange - unless it's a dare or something?

    1384206474
    bigstu [sign in to see picture]
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    Played rugby for years, lots of rough housing when drunk but never snogging anyone apart from members of the opposite sex.

    Its strange and not something I would put up with. Thinking he's slowly coming out of a cupboard, sorry closet.

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