• Depression and loss of labedo

    1382997673
    Shy guy [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi,

    I dont normally "wash my linen" so to speak in public, but I need some help and advice. I am trying to be patient but....

    Since moving in July my wife has been depressed, this was predicted but we were caught out by the servitity of it. As always with her depression she losses her labedo. Since moving we have had sex once.

    At times it causes arguments, I try it on, she says no! Sometimes I just put an arm around her and its an assumption that im trying it on. I have even stayed up late to avoid going to bed with her, so that we avoid the situation.

    Shes depressed, I know that and since the kids have gone back to school, things have slightly improved. She has also been given a part time job, so that gets her out of the house.....so things are looking up.

    I wouldnt cheat on her! but and dont kill me for this ladies, I now understand why some guys could cheat.

    Any suggestions on how we can get out of this, I am trying to help her!

    Pete

    1382998085
    Mr Gooner [sign in to see picture]
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    All I can say fella is talk to her.
    Maybe take her out or offer to buy her some lingerie?
    Or even make an evening for yourselves. I'm crap when it comes to romance but you could run her a bath, give her a massage etc and if it goes on fro. there then it does. If it doesn't then don't push it or make her feel pressured into otherwise you could worsen the situation.

    But gotta say I dont agree with the cheating situation.
    No matter how sh*t things are, that doesn't excuse for cheating.
    People always seem to take an easy way out and cheat rather then working on the problems.

    Everyone faces challenges in their relationship.

    1382998290
    menyanthe [sign in to see picture]
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    I could suggest some romantic stuff. For example, you can buy her flowers (if she likes them) or some gift, make her compliments every now and then. You can also make her a surprise dinner - either at home, or in some restaurant that has some sort of private suits/boxes/tables that are somehow separated than the others to create more romantic/intimate feel.

    It will not be easy and it can take time. But avoiding the situation will only make things worse.

    1382998432
    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Shy guy - sorry to hear what you are going through - it must be very difficult for both of you. Has your wife been to see her GP yet - there are lots of options now and there may be something that could help her. Also try to focus on romance more than sex.

    Take thing slowly - surprise her with a lovely relaxing massage, bubble bath, cooking her dinner etc. This will help you both to get close again on an emtional level and make sure that you talk a lot - communication is key to helping her get through this tough time. Sometimes just sitting together holding hands talking or watching an uplifting movie can really help to make you feel close xx

    1382998518
    sleepycelia [sign in to see picture]
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    I think you'll just have to talk to her and respect that she might not want to have sex at this point in time. Depression does a lot of terrible things to people that they have no control over and loss of libido/sex drive is very common - don't push it, you'll just make her feel worse and chances are she already feels guilty or upset about it. If you want to show her affection and love in a non-sexual way by having a romantic dinner or buying her some pretty lingerie or having a bath together, whatever works for the two of you, then that's fine too, but don't expect sex in return, you can't fix something like that with a massage and some candles. Just stick by her, like Scorpius said too, communication is key!

    1382999054
    LilMissMardyBum [sign in to see picture]
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    I think for me this kinda hits home as it is exactly how me and Mr Gooner were at one point this year, i suffer with bipolar so i have my good days good weeks good months im sex mad when mania hits,and i have my bad days bad weeks bad months where i will be in deep depression and i dont want sex, it sure takes its toll on any relationship i was on medication up until a few months ago but although it helped with my bipolar the medication supressed my sex drive i had no interest in sex and i could not care if me and Mr Gooner never had sex i got to the point where i started to try and cut down my medication and came on lovehoney to buy toys to try and increase my sex drive as i did worry that Mr Gooner would leave me or go elsewhere for sex obviously he didnt and he as been very patient with me and understanding that somedays its not him its me and i really cant help that i sometimes lack a sex drive its really hard being the one with the lack of sex drive i really do feel for your partner being where she is :(

    i find since both our kids are at school now and im now getting myself out of the house and meeting people and keep myself busy that is helping my depression give her some time to adjust to the changes and get into a routine it hopefully may help her depression

    and if you can do lots of nice things to make her feel loved like putting the kids to bed cooking her dinner running her a bath giving her a nice massage could have a nice couples night once a month where its just aabout spending that quality time as a couple without the pressure of sex me and Mr Gooner love our special nights where we can chat openly and just have a laugh he never puts pressure on me for sex it kind just tends to happen when im chilled and relaxed

    1382999173
    Naughty Miss K [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to hear things are bad for you both at the minute. It can be very difficult from both points of view - take it slowly, as others have said focus on communication with your wife and the romance.

    If she hasn't spoken to her GP already I would see if this is something she is willing to do :)

    Good luck!

    1382999607
    torilou [sign in to see picture]
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    Talking is your first step for definite, I've been where your wife is now and she wont have any control over how she feels.
    Just be there for her, talk to her, hold her close. I know its frustrating but she's not herself right now and she isnt rejecting you on purpose.
    Its going to take time and as lovely as the romantic gestures are, you may find that it doesn't help, it may possibly make it worse. Like I said, she's not her normal self and if she thinks you're just being romantic to get some action that may not help.
    Try something different, something that's not destined to end in bed like a quiet night in would because that may not be the best thing. Go for a walk or skating, something to make her relax and enjoy herself. Remind her you love her and be positive, talk about Christmas in your new home, decorating, something she can focus on.
    Good luck hun, hope things get easier soon.

    1383001621
    Shy guy [sign in to see picture]
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    Many thanks for all the replies, if I may just add some info.

    Firstly, she is under the care of a very good and very caring doctor. Although I know it's not the full answer, but her medication has helped.

    She is a very private person and one of my biggest bugbears with her is that she doesn't tell me what is really happening. She has been like that since we meet. I doubt things will ever change.

    I have a difficult job, and I'm not always home. We knew this would be the case, but we didn't think it was going to be so intense. When we do get time together I usually fall asleep on the sofa. With me away, its like she's a single mum for half a week, or sometimes more.

    I am hoping her new job and kids at school helps....

    Moving to a new area has not helped, hopefully it seems that she is socialising a little more and altogether I'm hoping to return to our normal sex life/ relationship.

    Thanks again for the advice and support.

    1383001797
    LilMissMardyBum [sign in to see picture]
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    i guess what with your work as you have said you work alot and are tired, it would be nice if you could plan one night a month where you are not tired and get spend some quality time together doing whatever you want to guess having that couple time is a good thing for any couple

    1383004097
    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    I totally understand what she's going through, and thought I might as well comment to see if I can give you some tips. You may have tried them already, but I hope they help in some way.

    Firstly, you need to presume that for the rest of your life, you won't have sex, and you're okay with that. It's a hard task, but it will help you get in the right frame of mind. The sex really isn't the issue here, the issue is that she's depressed, and that results in lack of sex. So let's skip the sex part for now, and try and make her feel better (I'm sure you're already trying your best).

    Think about things that are problems for her, and try and ease that little bit if pressure somehow. Example: you say she feels like a single mum sometimes - I know you've moved to a new area, but is there any chance you could get a baby sitter? Maybe go out somewhere, but nothing too formal like having dinner somewhere, maybe like to the cinema or something to fun like bowling?! The whole time, try not to let it lead to sex, put it off the table, even if she wants it, opt for a night of cuddling instead, tell her that you don't want sex if she doesn't want to and you're okay with that and you'll support her. She'll feel a lot of pressure off to know you're on her "team". Or maybe on a day off work book her in for a massage or something, and you look after the children, she might appreciate some time to herself. Sleep also plays a massive part, so maybe wake up with the kids early and let her have a long sleep in one day.
    Pay her some subtle compliments, nothing too over the top, just a little thing every couple of days. Women who are depressed feel wothless, and you really need constant reassurance that someone else thinks you're better than what you feel.
    It's all little things that count, with depression you can't just look at how to fix things that are affected by it, you really need to do your best to work on the depression itself.
    I know it's hard, and it's a lot to ask, it will have you drained, but it will be worth it.
    Genuinely hope she feels better soon :)

    1383041269
    Hampshire Hogg [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with MrsMcX, the sex is not the issue, it is the depression.

    I suffered from depression last year which was brought on by stress at both work and home, at the time my wife's father was ill, and her mind was on him and her mum, so much so that I felt she had not noticed how I was feeling.

    Because she has a history of depression herself, I felt that I could on burden her with how I was feeling. In many ways she sees me as her rock, and I think went into denial that her rock was cracking. I don't think she could accept anything was seriously wrong, even when my GP had signed me off work.

    The worst part of being ill, was that I lost all confidence in myself, I even thought that I was useless at the job I have been doing for nearly 30 years!

    Anyway, I lost all me usual high sex drive, any attempt to spark me into action, just made things worse. There is nothing worse that being reminded that you have lost all interest in sex.

    I found that best way out of my depression, was to deal with the causes, my work were great in reducing my workload and I took a step back from some of the other things I was doing in may life, to give myself more time for myself and my wife.

    I most inportant thing for me though was being able to talk about everything and anything with a friend who was removed from my circumstances. This made me understand that I needed to improve communication with my wife. Though it all I also realised that having to deal with my own, stress and depression that I could she how much my wife's issues were impacting on me and the family.

    She has had a fear of travel and will not go outside her comfort zone. She hates it when I have to go away for work and will stay at her mum's rather than stay in the house with me not being there. Having got over my depression, I can now see that not only was she being held captive by her fears, but to a degree so was I and our family.

    After nearly 22 years of marrage, I recently decided that I needed stop avoiding the issue. I know that my wife will not deal with the issue unless she accepts there is an issue. I know that at times I want to go places and I would like my wife to be with me. I am going away for a couple of days at the end of the week. My wife was not at all happy about it, I explained how I feel, and as is often the case, she went in to a sulk and told me all the reasons why I should not go. This time I did not back down and on Saturday evening she, she told me that she is going to seek proffessional help with her fears.

    I know this is not the end, but hopefully it is the start of a journey that will see my wife released from her fears.

    Sorry I went on a bit!

    So anyway, I would encourage your wife to make friends in your new location, hopefully her new job will help with that.

    But also you need to make sure that you look after yourself. It took me having a minor breakdown for me to deal with things that should have been sorted years ago, I would hate for you to get into that situation.

    Find time for each other, and try to communicate on a deeper level.

    I am now looking forward to doing thing with my wife in the future, rather than treading on egg shells.

    1383059181
    northernuk [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel for you, I myself was diagnosed with depression in March and the two main side effects of the drugs I was prescribed was weight gain and lack of libido, I toyed with the idea of being an unhappy, thin, horny man!!

    the depression itself is the hardest thing Ive ever had to encounter, its so strange to feel like a completely different person and a waste of a human being.

    My wife has been absolutely superb and the passion has started to come back as my depression has improved.

    so my advice would be to centre on the depression, get that under control and the libido will be back, dont make a huge deal of the sex (easier said than done)

    also there is a book that has helped me massively called 'i had a black dog' which I read to put things into perspective.

    if you or your wife would like to talk to a stranger who wont judge at all just drop me a mail, all the best to you both!

    1383059881
    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    When I suffered from postnatal depression the best thing for me was getting back to work. I got my identity back. I wasn't just a mum and a housewife. People respected me again and came to me for advise.... That made me feel valued and made me feel better about myself. So hopefully the new job will help her.
    When it came to my libdo, it was non existent. We went from having sex five times a week (even when I was 9 months pregnant) to once a month. Even that once of month wasn't wanted, I only done it to stop an argument with my oh. But once I got down to it I found I did enjoy it. I just could never get in the mood for it.
    The big change for me and my libdo was reading erotic fiction. I started to feel turned on by it and my other half took an interest in what I was reading. We then decided we liked the idea of some of the things we were reading. From there we discovered LH. Soon I couldn't get off her. Reading peoples toys reviews made me horny and I wanted to try them out. Before long we were back to having regular sex and that helped me with my mood.
    I know it's frustrating for you but you just have to be patient. My oh used to get so frustrated with me not wanting intimacy and it would turn into a fight. I didn't feel sexy, I didn't want sexy. He had to start doing things like buying me flowers or giving me a massage to help me realise I was loved and special. When I seen he cared and it was not all about him wanting sex, I started wanting more cuddles etc which them progressed to sex.
    It will take time but she will get there. If she's not a talker, why don't you write her a letter. Tell her how you feel and how concerned you are about her etc. Sometimes it's easier to say things in a letter.
    Does she have much support when you are gone? Any friends or family near by? Could you encourage her to join any local clubs or groups so she gets more ' her' time to make her feel
    More human x x

    1383083901
    MrsNG [sign in to see picture]
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    This is a difficult situation for you Shy Guy. People usually think its men that dont get enough sex and the woman has low labedo but its the other way around in my case. I am always horny but im lucky if hubby wants t make love once a month. I feel so unattractive and unwanted so I can relate to you. It can break a marriage if not addressed :(

    1383093620
    Wolfy [sign in to see picture]
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    All I can say is give ner time. I suffer clinical depression. It's not something that is ever going to go away. Recently, my libido has been low. Really low. I'm not on medication becauseit doesn't work. Also, this time of year, kinda depressing for me. In two months time it'll be the two year mark of the day I was sexually assaulted. So, yeah. You have to be patient, and remember that sex isn't everything. If that's all you care about, well, you're not going to last long. But talk to her.

    1383319336
    Shy guy [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi,

    Many thanks for your continuing, kind word of advice and support. I do apologise if this thread has touched a raw nerve with anyone.

    I know depression is a horrible illness, having suffered with it myself. Equally my wife had post natal depression after the birth of our second child, so I know we can come through it.

    I am trying to be patient and have been reinforcing the fact that sometimes I'm happy with a cuddle at bedtime. We have become more "loving" so to speak, so if we can keep this up I am hoping some of the petty arguments will be resolved or not occure.

    I know in time she will be back to herself again, our sex life may not be the same as it was but I'm sure we will make it work.

    Thanks again

    Shy Guy

    1383319337
    Shy guy [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi,

    Many thanks for your continuing, kind word of advice and support. I do apologise if this thread has touched a raw nerve with anyone.

    I know depression is a horrible illness, having suffered with it myself. Equally my wife had post natal depression after the birth of our second child, so I know we can come through it.

    I am trying to be patient and have been reinforcing the fact that sometimes I'm happy with a cuddle at bedtime. We have become more "loving" so to speak, so if we can keep this up I am hoping some of the petty arguments will be resolved or not occure.

    I know in time she will be back to herself again, our sex life may not be the same as it was but I'm sure we will make it work.

    Thanks again

    Shy Guy

    1383319342
    Shy guy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 18
    • Joined: 1 Jul 2012

    Hi,

    Many thanks for your continuing, kind word of advice and support. I do apologise if this thread has touched a raw nerve with anyone.

    I know depression is a horrible illness, having suffered with it myself. Equally my wife had post natal depression after the birth of our second child, so I know we can come through it.

    I am trying to be patient and have been reinforcing the fact that sometimes I'm happy with a cuddle at bedtime. We have become more "loving" so to speak, so if we can keep this up I am hoping some of the petty arguments will be resolved or not occure.

    I know in time she will be back to herself again, our sex life may not be the same as it was but I'm sure we will make it work.

    Thanks again

    Shy Guy

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