• Don't know what to do....?

    Miss V [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 14
    • Joined: 21 May 2013

    I'll try and be brief...

    I'm into a bit of pleasurable pain. BDSM interests me particulary Biting, Spanking etc.... Husband not interested altought a few times he has spanked and whipped me with my riding crop. Keeps saying he can't get into it and makes excuses he wants someone to show him.

    We live in France, so no local clubs and my French isnt good enough to go to a club in a main city....Scary enough to do in the Uk let alone here.

    Put myself on FetLife listing my 'Kinks' etc and stating that I'm looking for a Dom and to possibley guide me and my husband etc...and a French English speaking Dom has come back to me....

    Very nice easy message, quite reasuring in his words, explaining whats he is looking for,giving good advice to me and explaining what we would need to find out from each other etc etc......

    BUT......He suggested to meet for a coffee to discuss further....Do I tell my husband? Do I go with my husband....Do I make the first meet on my own which will be quite hard to set up, do I really want my husband to know?

    I do want to explore this with my husband but because of his negative thoughts on it even though he said he wants advice on it, he may say NO, then I know I will resent him for it. If I told him I was meeting him on my own the first time, that will cause BIG problems I'm sure.....

    The Dom has said that we could scene a few times together once we have gone over my needs/boundries etc and then involve my husband after a few sessions so he can learn....

    I feel like I am opening a can of worms...I know honesty is the best policy, but part of me is intrigued to also explore this on my own... I feel excited by it, but also scared, it's a completley different world. I would not be able to scene with him, I would have to tell my husband, but do I make the initial 'Coffee' meet and tell my OH?

    StHubbins [sign in to see picture]
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    Personally, I would at least tell your husband. If this was my wife and I found out, it would be heartbreaking. I know you're not being unfaithful, but it is definitely in a grey area (a 50 Shades of Gray area....ba boom ching)

    MissChar [sign in to see picture]
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    I'd tell your husband straight away as a matter of respect. If that was me, and then my husband said no I wouldn't even meet up. I think for me personally it would be incredibly disrespectful due to the nature of the engagement you will be discussing. He needs to be involved, even at this initial small step.

    lillithlibby [sign in to see picture]
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    I think you should talk to your husband and he and the Dom should meet before a scene just for all of your piece of mind.
    Hopefully hearing that there is someone out there willing to teach him might give him some confidence or that little prod to be a little more proactive.
    Hope that things work out for all three of you.
    I'd listen to my gut in regards to meeting this dom and I'd do it initially with my husband and then a small talk on my own. If either of us had reservations I would scrap it totally.

    Mr Gooner [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 14 Sep 2013

    Yeah I feel you have got to be honest with your husband. It's not like he has ruled it out point blank. It almost sounds like you're expecting him too.

    Maybe he is wanting to know and learn about it. I know myself I would be out off by a lot of it mainly because I have no experience, knowledge and would feel like a prat if i was doing something wrong.
    Therefore I think you should tell your husband about the "coffee meeting" and ask him too come along for support and how you would like to have the experience with him.

    Maybe if he is hesitant to it. Maybe introduce stuff like riding crops, rope play etc into the bedroom and tell him what you like. He may well grow his confidence in it and be more into the whole scene then.

    PinkPolkaDot [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    You should tell him. Actually, you should probably discuss it with him first and let him make the decision as well because he may not like the fact that you made that decision without his input. As far as I see it - you're married and this involves such a big part of your lives so you need to be honest. He could be really upset about you not talking to him about it and could even potentially consider it as cheating.

    It's obviously all up to you, but I would defintiely tell him. It might put your mind at ease and he may turn out to be very supportive. Also, are you sure that him saying he wants someone to show him actually means getting someone else to do that to you? Because it could just be an excuse to not do any of that because it makes him uncomfortable but he knows you enjoy it so he's just saying what he thinks you want to hear. Have you seriously discussed this?

    Miss V [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 14
    • Joined: 21 May 2013

    you are all right...I need to tell him...I know I would be upset if it was the other way around. I perhaps just wanted to make sure this is the avenue I wanted to go down on my own first. Doing my kinks in the bedroom is between me and my husband, but when you involve as thrid party you need to be sure. I may be too 'Vanilla' for the Dom even with my kinks.....

    Yes I am worried that he will say no and I will then feel like I have lost out on an experience that I want to persue.

    I will tell him tonight and see where it goes.

    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Miss V, I agree with the posts above. You must tell your Husband and make him part of the decision process. Also, for the safety aspect you should not meet anyone new alone. You never know who someone really is, or what their motives are.

    If you do meet with this Dom, remember that he should totally respect ALL of your boundaries, and you should have rules & limits set up beforehand - for how the 3 of of you will proceed - if at all.

    Hope your talk with your Husband goes well tonight, but honesty with each other will be essential :) xxx

    snapper [sign in to see picture]
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    yes I do agree you must not go any further forward with this until your partner is fully aware of the situation reasons and your intentions !

    Have you thought about tried the reward system ?

    all people have something they realy enjoy either pass time sexual mental or physical men and women alike

    Once you've fun his particular itch scatch it for him, then only offer it as a reward for your pleasurable pain !

    PS Im still looking for my better halfs "itch " but im enjoying searching

    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Tell him, not only because it's a respectful thing to do but most importantly you should be going off meeting strange men off the internet on your own. They could be anyone. And if he suggested trying some BDSM techniques you could end up in all sorts of situations and know one would know where you were at.
    I'm Not saying he is some sort of murder but you never know who anyone really is online. P he could be a general creep that you just don't feel comfortable around and you might need someone to help you escape

    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Look at it from your husbands point of view. This is a massive change for him to try and absorb. His wife suddenly has all these different desires, that may not be his desires at all. He has his own desires and his own turn ons and up until recently, you both gave each other what you both assumed you wanted. Suddenly you are asking him to flip 360 and go from that, to this new way and just because you are floating in the air, high on these potential new experiences, he might not be at all interested in Dominating/BDSM or the same kinks you are in to.

    In other words, just because you found this amazing new thing, doesn't mean he wants it. I feel, when I read your two messages that in this case, you haven't thought about what HE wants. I say this because you say he has "Negative thoughts on it" and he "Keeps making excuses" Has it crossed your mind that maybe he is not interested? He hasn't had that kick to the gut moment of "Oh my GOD, THISSS is amazing" like you have.

    So lets say he is only half heartedly into this, which is what I am picking up from the two comments I quoted above, and the fact you are thinking of going to meet a Dom alone because you assume he will say no (This all really sounds like he is not into it, or is nervous, and treading slowly and lightly, not throwing himself into this yet because he doesn't know) It sounds like he is trying for you, to please you, but if it is not his thing??.....

    This will end two ways.

    1) This lifestyle will SLOWLY grow on him, not at the speed you are hoping for right now, because he isn't as thrilled about this as you are, but if he tries little things and likes them, it may grow on him and he may begin to come into his own.

    2) You will resent each other and possible, or probably, grow apart.

    You feel that you will begin to resent him if he doesnt go along with your new plans to meet this Dom and push fast ahead into your new lifestyle. It is also entirely possible he will come to resent you too, for not being open and accepting of his feelings about all of this. If he says "no" and you plow ahead with secret meetings with Doms etc, he will resent you too. You feel he is failing you in your new desires, but you are failing him too if you don't listen closely to his desires and feelings

    Right now, you are not submissive, and he is not Dominating you. Right now, you are Dominating him and is is submissively and half heartedly trying to oblige.

    You are saying you will resent him for not fulfilling your needs and it sounds like you intend, or are at least thinking about, going off and ahead without your husbands involvement (Meeting men online.) this is someone so wrapped up in this new exciting thing that they have not stopped to think about this carefully. You could lose him. However, if you are incompatible and would choose the lifestyle over hubby, then maybe that is the natural progression to this. Some people simply cannot life without these aspects, it is who they are to their core, but trying to beat a square peg into a round hole so that he can meet your needs, may be a step too far for him.

    My advise:

    Tell hubby everything, not just about the meet with the Dom, but how you feel and stop for one moment and find out how he really feels about it all. Then try to compromise together. Ask him what he needs from you to make this easier. Time? Patience? Advice? (Does he really want advise from some random internet guy? I know that would freak my guy out, he would rather go read or watch videos to learn things) Be careful about meeting random internet men, especially on your own, and don't get blindsided by men on fetlife claiming to be Doms and wanting to offer that advice (What's in it for this Dom, to come spend his time teaching you?) and bear in mind 90% of internet Doms are just random guys who have figured out that if they say they are Doms, they can grab a hold of women new and blindsided by this thrill, tell them they are doms and have you doing all sorts of shit for them, because "They are Dom and you are sub" Just.....be careful with that one. It happens oh so often.

    Hope this helps somehow. xxx Deffo speak to him though, and to save your relationship....don't meet this Dom alone, without telling him!

    Kinkydink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 27 Mar 2009

    Id definately tell him. Maybe explain you've found someone who is willing to teach him and let your husband contact the dom directly. If the Dom is genuine then he will have no problem helping your Oh via email etc. If the Dom insists on a meet it would flag up issues with me. He shouldn't really have to scene with you to help your hubby learn after all. Your oh problems most likely come from a desire to succeed and a reluctance to enter something he has no knowledge or experience of. It can also be difficult at first to purposefully cause pain to your loved one even if she really enjoys it.
    But you definately need to start down this road with mutual understanding and respect especially full communication or Im afraid its very likely to fail

    rubysoho [sign in to see picture]
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    a ) yay youve found someone who is sounding like exactly what you need to help you so ... dont worry too much if you have to / decide not to follow through with anything with this dom .. youve found one , liklihood is you will find another similar .

    b ) yes to what everyones said , do tell /discuss with your hisband . maybe let him read the comms between you and the dom so he can be reassured its been nothing untoward and nothing to be alarmed over then see what he thinks

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