Lost My Sex Drive

Nexas, it would appear to be a trade off between being depressed and having no sex life (which depresses me more) or just coming off them, which my doctor seems keen that I don't do.  I am not suicidal or anything, I just think she wants me to take the pills and never address the underlying issues.

That leaves point two, how do I get my husband to become a bit more experimental in bed?  I am seriously thinking an affair would spice things up (for me at least)!

Yep, I may ask about the testosterone, but it may not be licensed for use in women, the same way as Viagra isn't.  Don't wanna end up with a beard either!

jmtaylor wrote:

Yep, I may ask about the testosterone, but it may not be licensed for use in women, the same way as Viagra isn't.  Don't wanna end up with a beard either!

Women manufacture their own testosterone naturally, just as men do, and testosterone fuels the feminine sex drive.  However, sometimes women manufacture less of their own for whatever reason, and supplements via injection or whatever can help libido.  You are incredibly unlikely to end up with a beard if you take testosterone in the prescribed doses.

You might end up with one if you have too many facelifts, though.  :p

 By the way, Viagra is a drug, testosterone is a hormone.

Ok, my nice long post from yesterday has vanished - strange.

Testosterone is wiped out by cortisol production, which is manufactured by stress, you could potentially both be affected by low testosterone and low desire. You really need to address your depression, find a decent doctor who will help you come off the pills, they are obviously not treating your underlying issues.

I truly believe that desire doesn't always follow arousal, I've literally taught myself how to positively affect my sex drive and it can seem completely unnatural and hard going at first before you realise that it actually makes sense.

You don't mention how long you've been together or when the last time your husband wanted sex was, has his sex drive just reduced or has it stopped completely?  

It seems odd that your husband cooled off towards you when you became more interested in sex - especially if your sex life has been fantastic before   -  it's taken me 20 years to be so "into" sex and my hubby loves it ( for the most part - he's not keen on sex toys)  but he's been more than willing to be more experimental and adventurous - if you knew how vanilla our sex was before - 2/3 times a month, always the same position etc.   neither of us saw it as "that" important.

A serious discussion is called for , an affair is never the answer - would you really rather degrade yourself by sex with a virtual stranger rather than be honest with your husband and at least try to sort things out?

Read up on sex and relationship therapy - that's what I did,  let both of you have your say about how you feel, my hubby felt rejected and unloved by my lack of affection for him , I had withdrawn from us because it seemed that every time I felt upset or down, he just seemed angry, we had forgotten how to communicate  - I have to say that our problems were mainly down to my attitude and selfish ways but he admits to leaving things far too long before speaking up .

If he does love you ( and you love him)  then you can work things out, you can even fall head over heels in love with each other all over again. Our sex life is better than it has ever been - we are both getting what we need, emotionally and physically.  You need to reconnect,  we did all sorts, from just holding hands when out to tantric massage - which is highly sensual.

Lack of sex isn't normally the main problem - lack of affection and intimacy is far more serious - you think you need sex but you need emotional connection far more - an affair would leave you empty inside I would think.

You are both far too young to lose a fulfilling sex life - you really must open up to him and hopefully he will do the  same, if he's unwilling to even attempt to put things right then he doesn't love you enough and you will have a decision to make about your future together. 

I do wish we could edit posts!!

I really meant that desire doesn't  always PRECEDE arousal - it can just as easily follow it.

I.e . you think you're not in the mood for sex so you don't touch, but the subtlest touch, or a lingering kiss can get you aroused and THEN the desire kicks in . 

What does your husband do / say when you try initiating sex, or has it gone on so long now that you don't bother.   I've learned that simply pouncing on my husband the second he gets into bed doesn't always work - a gentler approach is sometimes called for.

Yes, I understand what you meant by desire not always preceding arousal.  I am pretty sure it is the anti-depressants that are dampening my sex drive down.  One thing I do realise is that we both have a lot of work to do for this marriage to survive and I mean we BOTH have a lot of work to do.  It just seems that women in general have to do most of what I call relationship maintenance.  My husband thinks that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.  However, I have been really bored in bed for a while now.

Ain't in the mood for grouching today, just wanted to say thanks for all the advice given so far.

jmtaylor wrote:

One thing I do realise is that we both have a lot of work to do for this marriage to survive and I mean we BOTH have a lot of work to do.  [..]  My husband thinks that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.  However, I have been really bored in bed for a while now.

Ain't in the mood for grouching today, just wanted to say thanks for all the advice given so far.

You're very welcome, jmtaylor.  :)

I suppose if your husband believes in "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", then he might also believe in "a stitch in time saves nine" - i.e. early repairs with regular maintenance is a good way to keep things running smoothly, and late repairs with no maintenance leads to expensive jobs and possibly irreparable damage.

If he thinks your relationship ain't broke, then I suppose it's your job to ensure he knows what's really going on.  And if he carries on his refusal to see despite your best efforts, then perhaps you might be able to find somebody who has better vision?  You deserve better.  :)

i had no sex drive at all when i was on the pill, cerazette.. was highly annoying so i know how your feeling !

Hello, I found my sexual urges and sensations changed after childbirth, thats one of the reasons why I became a sex toy collector, but heres the best I can advise:

First of all, this is what happened to me:

When I was pregnant I was massively horny, I needed orgasms every day it wasn't the need for sex, just the orgasms - I think it was something to do with the blood supply being so good in that area and making everything ultra sensitive. I used a vibrator a lot at that time.

When I gave birth, I was lying on my back and pushed 'upwards' as I pushed the baby out, I felt a lot of bruising on my pubic mound which was very painful for a few weeks afterwards. Also in addition I had complications with an epidural, It made my legs go dead not my belly and for two days after I had no sensation at all in my left side from the hip downwards, so could'nt even stand up for nearly three days.

When the feeling came back I recovered and got back to normal but after about three months I had much. much reduced sensation in my clitoris. I wanted to have an orgasm but what used to take me 10-20 mins took two hours sometimes, so I started using vibrators to give me clitoral stimulation. That got my sensations back and made me feel more horny. Then I started wanting vaginal stimulation again.

My advice to you is this: Concentrate on getting your own sensations back, try some self stimulation at first, get used to having an orgasm regularly (what ever is regular for you or what you would like to be regular), use a mini bullet to give yourself an orgasm, I suggest something strong like the ammunition bullet, it never lets me down, and if it works for me, it will certainly work for you!

You need to get to a level where you can concentrate on self pleasure, and then you can ask your partner to join in (or to watch initially, that might be fun for you both?), and introduce penetration when you feel ready for it, maybe you should try playing a game where you both have mutual intimate massage only for a night, then the next day, oral sex together, then the next night, move it on like that, a bit of play might inspire you both to do different things and experiment a bit, once you have got yourself into having orgasms and pleasing yourself, the rest will come back.

I hope these suggestions helfp, I know how childbirth left me and its no fun to lose your sex drive or anything from your sex life if you have always enjoyed it, but witha bit of play and some toys it should help to bring it back for you.

And remember tiredness can drain you of everything, so make sure you have a quiet time set aside for this because you have the demands of a new baby to alow for and are probably still tired a lot of the time, it might help if you can allocate some time aside soley for you to concentrate on your pleasure and your partners, then you will know nothing will interrupt you.

Hope this advice from my own experience has given you some helpful suggestions