• sexlife stuck in a rut

    1378478127
    rugbybloke [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi all

    New here so here goes

    I'm in early 40s oh late 30s with young family sexlife virtually non existant and if we do just missionary in to the extent now I just play to satisfy myself (sad I know) but I need to!! Difficult to get out without kids as family 300 miles away and friends have young kids to

    Just wondering if others in same boat and how if U got out of it

    thanks for taking time to read

    1378479495
    Lovehoney - Cazz [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi rugbybloke,

    Have you spoken about this and the way you feel with your OH?

    Maybe start with something nice for her and not necessarily sex being the outcome. Even just spending some quality time together can really help your relationship e.g cook her a nice meal, give her a massage or cuddle up and watch a film that she likes, once your children are in bed.

    Also look into getting a babysitter or have a friend look after your children for a few hours and have some quality time together at home, or there are plenty of things you can go out and do that won't break the bank to try and rekindle the flame.

    This is only a few suggestions from myself, but I'm sure the community will soon fill this thread with advise and ideas :)

    I hope you manage to sort things!

    Kind Regards

    Cazz

    1378479712
    jeffngloria [sign in to see picture]
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    been stuck in a rut once or twice in mine and the wifes 16 years together ,last six months or so been buying the odd sex toy and talking about sex alot more as ours was getting a bit samey , ive been trying to encourage her to masterbate when im at work etc using all manner of vibrators it seems to have done the trick we are both enjoying sex again ,the more you have sex the more you want it but its catch 22 the less you have the less you want

    1378479864
    rugbybloke [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks cazz much appreciated yes I've tried almost everything and I always make sure she has me time away from the kids. talked loads to her etc.

    This has been going on for a long time now and when we do hve sex is all on her. I know it sounds selfish of me but id like to get something back sorry if that sounds awful.

    I also have a question surrounding masturbation id like to ask but it may make me sound v selfish.

    Thanks so much for replying

    1378479963
    rugbybloke [sign in to see picture]
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    Cheers Jeff how started combo off re toys etc I've brooched that and was big no no

    1378479969
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there,

    Have been through this a bit years ago when our kids were young. Could I just ask you is your oh missing sex or has she just gone off the boil a bit ?

    1378480194
    rugbybloke [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks wild off the boil we do do it but v rare and I feel she can't wait to get it over with when I mention other positions or oral for her she just makes excuse

    1378480248
    Lovehoney - Cazz [sign in to see picture]
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    This is what the forum here at Lovehoney is for, so fire away with all your questions we have a great community here and everyone is happy to help...

    1378480354
    rugbybloke [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks cazz

    I will x this forum making me feel little better already

    1378480397
    jeffngloria [sign in to see picture]
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    to be honest i just picked a couple out that we could use as a couple and bought them sure enough i got told off for wasting money etc but it was worth it and she did come around eventually ,now that she has a bit of confidence and she knows what she likes she is now suggesting to me things she would like to try ,

    1378480504
    Lovehoney - Cazz [sign in to see picture]
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    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/buyers-guide/how-to-choose-your-first-sex-toy/

    Check out Lovehoney TV & Buyers Guides for advise if you do decide to buy a toy.

    1378480725
    rugbybloke [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks cazz n Jeff

    1378480791
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    How does she feel about her own body? If she has body confidence issues it might be that she feels self conscious in other positions. It can be hard to relax and let go if you don't feel attractive in certain positions

    Is the oral problem that she does't like to do it to you or does't like it done to her?.

    1378481504
    rugbybloke [sign in to see picture]
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    She doesn't do it to me not for several years but I luv to do it to her I always tell her how Sexy she is and looks but in prob boring her maybe

    Can you send pm on this site?

    1378482322
    StHubbins [sign in to see picture]
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    Exactly the same boat, but we're coming out of it.

    Most important thing is talking because it has to be solved by both of you. You need to find out why her libido has gone.

    With us it was a combination:

    1) She felt unattractive. This took a lot of persuading that I find her attractive even though my wife isn't fat by any means. Me finding her attractive was only the first step though and so diet and exercise was required. This is really tricky because if I suggested diet and/or exercise she took it to mean that I thought she was fat. What worked for us was the 5:2 diet which I can also do for the health benefits. Also I want to get fitter for surfing and snowboarding so we're both on a fitness regime. The approach that worked was "I want to do X because I want to be fitter/healthier, do you want to do it with me?"

    2) Day to day stress. Remove as much stress as possible. Do the washing up/tidy/whatever so that once the kids are in bed she can truly relax.

    3) Tiredness. Let her have lie-ins at the weekend. That way there's no rush for sleep on Friday and Saturday night.

    4) Affection. She'd started to think that if I showed her affection, I wanted sex. Lots more non-sexual affection.

    5) Lack of "us time". You've said this is difficult, but we share babysitting duties with other parents. Also we have date nights at home with a take away (saves washing up), no TV and chat and play (non sexual) games. On a date night don't expect sex. Let her make the moves and if it doesn't happen it will still reap benefits in the long term. If you possibly can try to arrange a weekend away for the two of you. We do this about once a year and it reminds us what it was like before kids.

    6) Monthly cycle. This has had an increasing effect after kids. The week before her period there's no chance of sex. The two weeks after there's a much higher chance. Don't make any advances in the unlikely weeks, but keep up all romance affection etc. etc.

    7) Romance. Gifts, flowers, compliments, etc. all make her feel better.

    8) Other factors. If I hadn't had a shower or shave; if I was wearing underwear she didn't like; if the bedroom was untidy or the bed wasn't made. I try to remove any factor that gets her out of a sexy mood.

    This is just the things that apply to us and you might well have a completely different set. The key thing is not to expect sex. Do all the things and avoid pestering because pestering ruins all the good work.

    A big plus is that things are improving for us.As our affection levels have increased, and she's getting fitter and more body confident, her libido is going up and up.

    1378482532
    tranquildusk [sign in to see picture]
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    Me and my OH got stuck in a rut about a year ago, then 50 shades happened, and now that type of book is all she reads, they have helped her to discover a whole new sexual side , has your OH read them?, if not you could always buy one for yourself to read, curiosity is bound to get the better of her in the end and she will pick it up and have a sneaky read.

    we also started to watch softcore porn, playboy Swing was a great help to break the ice, I just put it on after a few glasses of vino, we have no intention of swinging but we started to understand how different people tick and its fun.

    we now send regular sex txts to each other when apart for fun, with the occasional naughty picture attached, we surprise each over with toys, I had to be a bit dominant at first and tell her to lie back while i tried it on her, we now have a expanding collection of toys, which we buy and surprise each other with

    sex is one of them things that you both have to put the effort in, i'm certainly glad we have .. by the way i'm in my 40's and she nearly is, been together nearly 20years...and life is only getting better..

    1378482664
    jeffngloria [sign in to see picture]
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    StHubbins wrote:

    Exactly the same boat, but we're coming out of it.

    Most important thing is talking because it has to be solved by both of you. You need to find out why her libido has gone.

    With us it was a combination:

    1) She felt unattractive. This took a lot of persuading that I find her attractive even though my wife isn't fat by any means. Me finding her attractive was only the first step though and so diet and exercise was required. This is really tricky because if I suggested diet and/or exercise she took it to mean that I thought she was fat. What worked for us was the 5:2 diet which I can also do for the health benefits. Also I want to get fitter for surfing and snowboarding so we're both on a fitness regime. The approach that worked was "I want to do X because I want to be fitter/healthier, do you want to do it with me?"

    2) Day to day stress. Remove as much stress as possible. Do the washing up/tidy/whatever so that once the kids are in bed she can truly relax.

    3) Tiredness. Let her have lie-ins at the weekend. That way there's no rush for sleep on Friday and Saturday night.

    4) Affection. She'd started to think that if I showed her affection, I wanted sex. Lots more non-sexual affection.

    5) Lack of "us time". You've said this is difficult, but we share babysitting duties with other parents. Also we have date nights at home with a take away (saves washing up), no TV and chat and play (non sexual) games. On a date night don't expect sex. Let her make the moves and if it doesn't happen it will still reap benefits in the long term. If you possibly can try to arrange a weekend away for the two of you. We do this about once a year and it reminds us what it was like before kids.

    6) Monthly cycle. This has had an increasing effect after kids. The week before her period there's no chance of sex. The two weeks after there's a much higher chance. Don't make any advances in the unlikely weeks, but keep up all romance affection etc. etc.

    7) Romance. Gifts, flowers, compliments, etc. all make her feel better.

    8) Other factors. If I hadn't had a shower or shave; if I was wearing underwear she didn't like; if the bedroom was untidy or the bed wasn't made. I try to remove any factor that gets her out of a sexy mood.

    This is just the things that apply to us and you might well have a completely different set. The key thing is not to expect sex. Do all the things and avoid pestering because pestering ruins all the good work.

    A big plus is that things are improving for us.As our affection levels have increased, and she's getting fitter and more body confident, her libido is going up and up.

    amazing advice st hubbins i forgot to mention the impromptu tidying haha

    1378483355
    Lovehoney - Cazz [sign in to see picture]
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    This one is a little personal so you don't have to reply, but some medications can cause loss of sex drive even contraceptive pills.

    1378483921
    StHubbins [sign in to see picture]
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    Lovehoney - Cazz wrote:

    This one is a little personal so you don't have to reply, but some medications can cause loss of sex drive even contraceptive pills.

    That's a really good point and applied to us but in reverse. A couple of years after the kids were born I decided to get the snip and my wife came off the pill. It took quit a long time for her hormones to settle down after this.

    1378484047
    wildflower [sign in to see picture]
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    It could just be that your oh isn't very sexually confident and feels a bit embarrassed about trying different things. Is it just since the kids came along? I spent years being sexually inhibited but one thing that really helped bring me out of my shell was erotic books. The Black Lace ones are my favs, how does she feel about reading stuff like that ?

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