• Can only masturbate with porn/can't switch off my brain!

    1377800051
    Athemistia [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 5
    • Joined: 25 Aug 2013

    This is kind of a 2 part problem but they link in to each other so I'll try to explain. Sorry its so long, its the shortest version I could give!

    I'm a 25 year old woman whos very open and comfortable with sex, and has been doing it for quite a while now, but I only started really masturbating a few years ago. Although I've always had a good sex life I've never been particularly comfortable with just recieving, I'm certainly not shy and actually pretty adventurous, but found it very difficult to just lie there and let someone else pleasure me. I couldn't relax and my mind would be constantly wondering onto other things. Not conducive to getting very far! As I result I generally just didn't do it and went with 'oral/manual don't do anything for me, I'll give you a blow job instead'. And as blow jobs fully turn me on it worked fine in general. And so far no-one I've been with has been able to make me come. I can come during penatrative sex (only with me on top) but I've never been able to just recieve. Telling any man that no man has ever made me come has always set them on a mission, but of course when you feel you're trying to come and thats all you're working towards you never get anywhere so none have been successful!

    When I met my current partner almost a year ago however I finally felt calm and relaxed enough to actually just lie there and let him try, I knew it wouldn't just happen but I now actually feel chilled out enough to explore and try to figure out what works for me. Unfortunately my boyfriend isn't as experienced as me and doesn't really know what hes doing, though is very willing to learn. He's not as adventurous as me but I'm slowly slowly drawing him out. He's told me he doesn't particularly like giving oral sex but will do it if I ask him. I know he feels he doesn't know what hes doing which doesn't help. Frustrating as this is I don't want to make him do anything he doesn't want to do, so figured we'd just go back to 'hand stuff' and figure that out first. I think he might come around to oral in the future when he feels more confident in general anyway. But after years of not being able to recieve I have no idea what I actually like just for me and finding it pretty difficult to put anything into words. As someone who's always considered myself so open and confident with sex I'm surprised how shy and awkward I feel trying to explain anything to him. I find it hard to get aroused just lying/sitting/whatever there, no matter how much I'm enjoying him my mind still wanders, on to just about anything that isn't sex related. My brain is always on 50 things at once and as busy student this is often helpful, but not in the bedroom! I love having sex with him but I'd really like to be able to just recieve pleasure for me sometimes, as I like giving to him, and he likes recieving. I know he wants this too.

    But here begins my problem. I figured obviously the best way for me to try and help him know what to do is to figure out myself what I like. Problem is this. When I masturbate I can only do it with porn, fairly left field, the stuff the hide behind the stuff thats already hidden kind of porn. Porn that isn't remotely what I'd want in real life, but I'm quite happy enjoying it in private, even if I'd never admit it to pretty much even my closest friends. And its not that that bothers me so much, its that I need to have something to focus on to block out all the 50 million other things racing round my head, I get aroused and can orgasm very quickly.

    Without porn, and equally with my partner, I can't seem to get to this level of arousal, which makes recieving pleasure even if I could figure out what I want to ask my boyfriend to do pretty difficult. I try to fantasise when I'm alone but can't get anywhere, my brain can't focus, and although I'm very aroused when actually having sex its not enough in the build up to just lie there and have him touch me. When I masturbate I feel how wet I get, how everything down there expands and gets pumped full of blood and sensitive in the way I know its supposed to. I get wet but I never get to that level without porn. I've suggested watching porn with my boyfriend to try to find a middle point but he's not comfortable with this.

    Basically I know this is a great long ramble and I've probably not even explained myself well but to anyone whos made it to this bottom and can offer any ideas, thank you!

    1377802820
    MrTools [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 36
    • Joined: 23 Aug 2013

    Ouch difficult 1! Is he far too reserved to watch some porn with you?

    1377803368
    Athemistia [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 5
    • Joined: 25 Aug 2013

    He just doesn't really like the idea. I wouldn't call him reserved, just pretty standard vanilla. He's passionate and loving and the sex is good, he just lacks any sort of kink!

    However I think thats kind of the least of my worry, it might be a lead into it but I don't want to need porn to get that aroused in the first place.

    1377804495
    MrTools [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 36
    • Joined: 23 Aug 2013

    Yes see your point! Tried imaging your in a porn scence while your having sex?

    1377805397
    Athemistia [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 5
    • Joined: 25 Aug 2013

    Yep. and whilst masturbating. My brain still goes through a multitude of other thoughts at the same time, I can't concentrate and stay on one thought. Just bounces around. I also find it very difficult to imagine whole scenes, I'll get images popping in but no matter how hard I try there will also be images of anything from something on the telly earlier to my mum saying something to me last week. Actually anything. This has always been the case as long as I can remember.

    1377817467
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 768
    • Joined: 7 Jun 2009

    Omg you sound exactly like me!! I'm in my early 20s, have had an active sex life for 7 years, been masturbating for a bit longer than that.

    But when it comes to masturbation I have always, always fantasised about slightly unconventional things. I feel a bit guilty that when I masturbate I find it much more difficult to orgasm or focus if I'm thinking about my partner. Yet when I watch porn it takes minutes.

    I'm quite fussy about porn, have a specific category of what I like to watch. It's nothing majorly weird but something I would never confess to my boyfriend or closest friends. I think it's easier to masturbate to porn because it's visual, it's right in front of you. Whereas with daydreaming my mind just wonders and I end up thinking about something really stupid and then the mood is gone!

    It sounds like you're just in the mindset of "you can try to make me cum, but it won't work". That's very negative and won't get you anywhere! Sometimes if I'm finding it a bit challenging to orgasm when I'm with my boyfriend I'll start thinking about a porn scene, but imagine that it's me and him in it.

    I felt for a long time that I was a very strange woman for watching porn, not particularly enjoying oral and I did feel really guilty about how difficult it is for me to fantasise about my boyfriend. But I'm definitely not alone and that should make us feel better!

    Keep exploring with your boyfriend, save your favourite porn scene in your head and think about it a bit when you're with him.. maybe it will help! xxx

    1377829263
    Athemistia [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 5
    • Joined: 25 Aug 2013

    Thanks for you help :)

    Thing is I've tried fantasising and I literally can't keep any pictures in my head. Stupid brain just keeps leaping around! And to be honest at the moment hes not trying to make me come, its just a bit for foreplay, so thats not so much a worry. I just hate that I don't get nearly as aroused, with him or anyone previously, as I do watching porn, no matter how good anything else is. Its frustrating. I do think it isn't helping that I've never felt I needed to try and tell anyone else what to do as much, but at the same time I think I avoided it before. Gah!

    What turns me on the most is when we're out and theres any kind of flirtation/suggestion and I know we can't actually do anything. Can't seem to recreate that kind of tease when we're indoors and I know we can have sex!

    1377861255
    LetsTryThis [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 167
    • Joined: 2 Jun 2013

    Have you tried watching him at work? Rather than lying back and thinking of England (literally lol); could you position yourselves so you can watch him? Then focus on that and how it's making you feel? Might give you the same visual stimulus and focus that porn gives you. Might not. :) Maybe worth a try if you haven't already. :)

    As for recreating tease when you know you can have sex, have a read of some of the edging threads on here. :) They can be quite extreme. :)

    1377866686
    MrTools [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 36
    • Joined: 23 Aug 2013

    You must have a man's brain! Lol we like the visual thing and personally it usually is something in particular (no usually run of the mill) that gets us (me) to the cumming point, I just fantasize about these things while having sex! Think he is somebody else or there's somebody watching or anything- we all do it! Would he talk dirty to you during sex? That might keep your attention, or ask him to during sex 'tell me I'm you're filthy girl' style.

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.