• Another "mismatched sex drives" issue? :(

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I have a problem that I am starting to feel a little bit down about. That problem is that my partner has a lower sex drive than me, but I am starting to feel like I might be to blame for it. The irony is that I have followed my own advice and the advice of others on numerous occasions that i have read on this forum, but it doesn't work for me! lol (Sighhh)

    I feel "meh" when I read from people who give great advice like "Try spicing things up by doing something spontaneous" The last time I tried this, I got shouted at and he stormed off in a huff, which made me feel great by the way.) I have tried pictures, naughty texts etc and while he does reply and says I am sexy, it never goes further or gets him "all worked up and desperate" throughout the day. We even videod a session, he never watched it until I put it on one time. I look over and he is playing a game on his phone, not even watching. I have tried the "Try not making any first moves and he will be gagging for it" technique (The last time I tried this we got to day 10 without him making any moves or seeming interested in making one and I gave in at that point.) I hear men saying how they love the women to take control and make the moves. I do this 100% of the time and when I stop doing it, he doesn't try. It can be weeks or a month before he asks ME why we are not doing it! What??

    I am very very adventurous, and I have literally tried most things that I can think of to blow his mind, from BDSM, to pegging, anal, watersports...the lot. He says it is all amazing and he has a fab time and I am the best etc etc. The thing is though, all of this stuff is initiated by me, and acted out by me. I know the things he enjoys and I am a giver, so when we do stuff together, I literally spend hours and hours playing the kind of games I think he will enjoy, teasing him with toys, giving hour long blowjobs were I edge him over and over and much more. He knows the kind of things I like, but has very, very rarely done them for me and has very rarely grabbed any toys or even....talked or roleplayed with me off his own accord or...well, anything really. When it is "my turn" for fun, he goes straight to trying to push an orgasm out of me by rubbing or licking, like he is trying to solve a math equation, and truth me told, I have nothing to work off, nothing that is titilating me because, its just hands down pants and rub, or head south straight away to give oral. Often I cannot orgasm from this because I am just a little....I dunno, upset? That he never tries, even though he knows what I would like and he seems to just want to get the job done asap. Because I don't orgasm, he takes it as an insult and is probably the reason he never really tries? I dunno, like a vicious circle, but lately, I cannot orgasm with him and have almost stopped trying, just pleasuring him for hours until it is too late or he is sleepy to want to. lol Sometimes I then play by myself after he is asleep.

    I understand that he might not be as confident (Even though we have done so much together and been together years) but I don't understand why he cannot bring himself to make the first move, or try to please me in any other way, the ways he knows I like, or even just his own way, rather than go straight for trying to make me orgasm asap with no other stimulus to work from.

    I have talked to him about this. I am not exactly the shy retiring type. I have told him things I would love to do and I have told him i feel like I am the one always initiating things and it makes me feel a little, crap. He says its a lack of confidence, and when I ask him why he doesnt make a move he says things like "Well you were. reading, watching tv, looking at your phone, last night so I assumed you were not wanting it" I told him I always want it, and unless I am ill or dead, he will most probably get a good response. That was months ago, still nothing. :S Its like, he thinks I may only be up for it is I am staring at the ceiling doing literally nothing else but breathing and blinking? I dunno. This all makes me feel so meh. :(

    The thing is, I know this is something I am doing wrong, because this exact theme has run through all 3 of my long term relationships. (So it cannot be them, it must be something I am doing.) I do not know what it is. I am open minded, highly sexed and all the things that these guys say they want me to be. Yet I seem to always fall into this. Being the one who is making all the effort and getting not much back, even getting into arguements or getting shouted at or insulted for trying something spontaneous.

    My ex called me a slut and rolled over, after one night of me initiating sex and him not being in the mood.

    Another partner used to enjoy the hours of pleasure I gave him but would often (often, not once or twice lol) then fall asleep mid "my time"

    The list goes on. Either I expect too much, or I seem to end up with guys with low sex drives, or I am getting hurt over things that I shouldnt get hurt over, things that are normal in long term relationships. I think I would have sex most nights if it was an option, but I am happy with 2/3 times a week, or less if there is loads of stress or tiredness etc. Is that too much? Am I being too pushy or something?

    I guess I am not looking for advice (Unless you have any) because, like I say, I have already tried numerous things without them working: Communication, stopping trying, doing what he enjoys and hoping for him to retaliate etc. So I suppose I am just kind of, letting off steam and trying to write away that lump in my throat from being upset about this. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong, and also why the "advice" given never seems to work for me! lol I actually feel like a bloody sex pest at times. It isn't nice. The thing is, I don't pester! Whenever I make a move, he is keen for all the goooood stuff happening and welcomes it every time. It is just that it is always, always me trying. That gets tiring. really tiring. You do not feel like you are sexy. Like they don't want to pounce on you, like you do with them, if that makes sense?

    Sighhh. Ramble over. Thanks for reading.

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Holy crap that was long. Sorry! :(

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    snapper [sign in to see picture]
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    sorry what for ? long yes but sometime the best advice anyone can give you is to talk about it !

    so now Im sorry I have nothing to offer in the line of help or realistic advice

    but I do see myself in your boots I try so much to get my better half in the mood some times it works more often not . I will spend ages planing the evening organizing things and she'll fall asleep in the bath !

    so to a point I can understand your situation !

    If you find a cure let me know !

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    MrTools [sign in to see picture]
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    How long have you been together? People can change over time and sometimes just as a phase! Any of us with massively high sex drives will always find it hard to find a sexual match, but if you love them as a person sometimes you just have to deal with your pleasures in other ways :)

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    rubysoho [sign in to see picture]
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    pretty much what mrT said . my sex drives just gettin higher an higher .. but im always pretty much too shy to initiate . maybe thats the case ?

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    MrTools wrote:

    How long have you been together? People can change over time and sometimes just as a phase! Any of us with massively high sex drives will always find it hard to find a sexual match, but if you love them as a person sometimes you just have to deal with your pleasures in other ways :)

    4 years almost. He used to be more forward yeh. It kinda vanished on his part about a year ago I guess. I do love him and am not considering leaving or anything, it just wears me down at times, and leaves me feeling crappy quite often. I must admit, it is getting to a point now where I am starting to think "Well fuck you then" and starting to not bother giving all the things I used to and just....sort myself out. Like, its getting to a point where I have got upset about it enough to just think "fuck it" Problem is though, I do rate sex as quite high in a relationship. As in, I dunno if I could be happy without it. (Most likely not. unless it couldn't be helped, rather than a simple lack of trying.) I know some people can, but for me it is a way to feel close and connect and bond. If that is gone, it is like a huge thing missing.

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    Fluffbags, so sorry to hear that this is happening to such a genuinely lovely person. Does he know you come on the forum? Maybe if he does, you could print off what you've just wrote to us, and give it to him. Ask him what his advice would be? Sometimes men need to see things in black and white before they do anything about it. I'm sure he won't be happy knowing you're so hurt about it. And I'm sorry if I'm just adding to things that you've already tried to do. I just want to try and help you because of all the help that you've offered me, and so many others.

    Genuinely hope you come to some sort of arrangement that makes you both happy. Makes me feel sad knowing you're sad :( hope you're okay xx

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    KebertXela [sign in to see picture]
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    **hugs**

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    Also, could be be dealing with any ailments? Depression, overweight etc? This might affect him a lot.

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    MrTools [sign in to see picture]
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    Fluffbags wrote:

    MrTools wrote:

    How long have you been together? People can change over time and sometimes just as a phase! Any of us with massively high sex drives will always find it hard to find a sexual match, but if you love them as a person sometimes you just have to deal with your pleasures in other ways :)

    4 years almost. He used to be more forward yeh. It kinda vanished on his part about a year ago I guess. I do love him and am not considering leaving or anything, it just wears me down at times, and leaves me feeling crappy quite often. I must admit, it is getting to a point now where I am starting to think "Well fuck you then" and starting to not bother giving all the things I used to and just....sort myself out. Like, its getting to a point where I have got upset about it enough to just think "fuck it" Problem is though, I do rate sex as quite high in a relationship. As in, I dunno if I could be happy without it. (Most likely not. unless it couldn't be helped, rather than a simple lack of trying.) I know some people can, but for me it is a way to feel close and connect and bond. If that is gone, it is like a huge thing missing.

    I feel the same way but although it's not often enough we do have damn good sex when her moods right! I'm always gaggin!
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    bumblebee [sign in to see picture]
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    :( I'm really sad to read this, nothing helpful to add, but (((hugs)))

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    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    MrsMcX wrote:

    Also, could be be dealing with any ailments? Depression, overweight etc? This might affect him a lot.

    agree. this can have such a massive impact. in the meantime, sending virtual hugs
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    KebertXela [sign in to see picture]
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    What changed a year ago, is the obvious question.

    Its hard to say if he needs a clip round the ear or hand holding though.

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    MrsMcX wrote:

    Also, could be be dealing with any ailments? Depression, overweight etc? This might affect him a lot.

    Not that I know of, and he is generally pretty forward with anything like this. He can milk a splinter for a week. :P He doesn't have a stressful job or anything. He has normal stress (The children etc) the same as myself of course, but he seems....his usual self as I have known him for the last 4 years anyway.

    He does know it bothers me. We have spoke and I have told him outright that I would love him to initiate more or do something different. I don't know exactly what his real issue is. He says it is confidence. I guess I understand that. Not everyone is confident. I just thought that the confidence would come over time, not stay gone forever, especially after all the things we do now and how long he has had to get to know me and know I am not going to judge or whatever his fears are that stop him moving.

    If it really is a confidence thing, it might be a lot down to the fact I stopped having orgasms over the last 6 months, due to me feeling like there is no effort, maybe he just thinks "What is the point" That is probably pretty valid reason. If he keeps getting "knocked back" by the fact my body goes "Nope sorry not good enough" then I guess it is no wonder he doesn't try. Problem is, it is the lack of trying that makes my body go "Nope" so this is a vicious circle for sure!

    You guys are all so kind xx

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    What happened a year ago: He moved in. We spent 3 years as online relationship and met every month in those years. Then a year ago (ish) he moved in. He has moved from a situation of living with his parents and having little responsibilty. Now he has worries. The same worries as me, money, the children etc, but maybe because I am "used" to these things, I do not worry so much about it and know everything works out in the end, I am used to these stressors. He does get occasionally stressed with life here, but in general seems happy. Maybe it is just a lot to get used to in a year, for him!

    Thing is though, how could I change that? problems happen, you know? is it just about giving him time to accept that stressing about something is pointless, or get used to responsibilties?

    I mean, overall he seems content and settled here. He is the kind of person to tell me if he is stressed. He is my whinge arse lol

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    [suspended user]

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    Oh babe it's been really sad reading this as your a lovely lady.

    All I can really say is maybe try talking to him? See if there's any reasons he don't/feel like having sex. See if there's anything wrong/on his mind?

    Good luck hun. (Hugs) xx

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    MissChar [sign in to see picture]
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    He might be intimidated by your high sex drive? And because you haven't been bothering much with orgasms lately he probably is even more so - perhaps it's pressure is what I'm trying to say? Sex drives can change all the time for no particular reason, I know mine has. Sending hugs xx

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    BigBikeGuy [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow, you sound like the dream partner.....

    I'm sorry, I don't know the answer, but as what I'd call a regular guy I'd say you're doing everything right. If I was him, I'd be working my butt off to ensure that you were enjoying you sex life as much as I could. It may be that he sees you as a bit daunting as you're so good at all this 'sexy' stuff and feels he can't match you....

    Keep smiling,

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    KebertXela [sign in to see picture]
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    FFS Fluffs!!!

    You've gone from bonking like bunnies once a month, to living together!

    Of coure things changed!

    Sex has gone from a rare treat to a chore.

    Restart, slowly.

    Arrange a night once a week for a proper session, try something vanilla.

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    KebertXela wrote:

    FFS Fluffs!!!

    You've gone from bonking like bunnies once a month, to living together!

    Of coure things changed!

    Sex has gone from a rare treat to a chore.

    Restart, slowly.

    Arrange a night once a week for a proper session, try something vanilla.

    Sex NEVER feels like a chore for me. Even after years together, I love it. As I said, rather than getting it over and done with I will even draw it out and experiement to ensure I tease him and give him an amazing time. It saddens me to think sex turns into a chore after you move in together. I understand we can get into a rut, but for everything that we are right now, we are not in a rut as such, as I mix it up often. Maybe I am being a dreamer, but I would really hope it wasn't a chore for him! I do see your point though, its probably just a case of "Well it is always there so why bother"

    I dunno. maybe I should stop moving in with my partners. hehe :D

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