• How would I bring up an embarrassing medical issue to a potential new partner?

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    Poppicat [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry if this does not make much seance or a bit TMI

    Once again I have found myself single and would like to get back out into the dating world.

    I have had issues with my back end recently. I have had 3 operations to try and sort it out. My ex was very understanding with it as it happened once we had started dating. But my most recent operation they have put a drain in place, which is pretty much just an elastic band coming out my bum! I will have to have the drain in for the next year or so.

    I am just unsure of how to bring it up with potential new partners and would it freak them out. I am chatting to someone right now and they would like to meet up, I keep making excuses as I am nervouse that it may go somewhere and then they get freaked out about the drain.

    It has really lowered my confidence and sex drive as all I keep thinking is what person would want me with this horrible drain in place!

    Would it bother anyone if their new partner had something like I have?

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    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    I would just tell them. If they can't see past the drain and its medical importance then they are not the sort or people I would want to offer myself to sexual. X

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    Aqualaria [sign in to see picture]
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    I guess this is what I would call a filter.

    If I had this, I would view it like this: If anyone is bothered by it, then this is a warning flag about other things they may have issues with in the future.

    There are lots of people who are callous, shallow etc, and I for one wouldn't want someone like that.

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    sweetlove666 [sign in to see picture]
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    Aqualaria wrote:

    I guess this is what I would call a filter.

    If I had this, I would view it like this: If anyone is bothered by it, then this is a warning flag about other things they may have issues with in the future.

    There are lots of people who are callous, shallow etc, and I for one wouldn't want someone like that.

    This!

    if someone cares purley about physical apperances then they are not worth having.

    I would introduce it gently - explaining about the operations just as you have to us. I would also do this well before I would be naked around them, so they have time to process it.

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    bumblebee [sign in to see picture]
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    Naughty nurse 85 wrote:

    I would just tell them. If they can't see past the drain and its medical importance then they are not the sort or people I would want to offer myself to sexual. X

    this :)

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    fizzy [sign in to see picture]
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    Just be honest and like everyone else has said if people are funny about it they arent worth it!

    Ihope your back gets better for you and its good to see you back on the forum!

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Like Aqua put it so perfectly, this is a filter.

    Yes you probably will come across some people who cannot see past it, but if that is the case, you have effectively saved yourself from getting involved with someone who feels so shallowly. I mean, if they cannot see past this, would they leave you if you got sick later.

    I have a few medical conditions which, while not serious, do effect my day to day life quite a lot. My ex, who got with me knowing about the conditions, and stayed with me 6 months, until things started getting a bit more serious, then broke up with me and listed firstly my kids, and secondly my medical condition as reasons he was splitting up with me. How could he enjoy holidays or going out partying if, you know, he was trapped by my conditions (and children, which i had before I met him) basically he was a scumbag user only in it for the sex and the good times but could not handle anything more, but was not prepared to tell me that until he HAD to. Then I went on to meet someone who loves my children and helps me without a second thought.

    So, yes you will meet some frogs, but then you will also meet some guys who are mature enough to see that life isnt some perfect fantasy and are prepared to support you and make you feel like YOU are worth every second.

    If this was me, I would tell them reasonably early on, to save yourself time wasted on anyone who fits into the shallow catagory.

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    FrozenAngel [sign in to see picture]
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    I have to agree with Fluff, if it was me I'd tell them earlier on that way you're not wasting your time with people who just aren't worth it.

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    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    Some things are a blessing in disguise, and injury opinion, this is your blessing. This will help you be able to be with someone who wants you for you "warts and all" as the saying goes. You have a medical issue that needs attending to, anyone who can't appreciate that really isn't worth your time.

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    SgtHorny [sign in to see picture]
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    Naughty nurse 85 wrote:

    I would just tell them. If they can't see past the drain and its medical importance then they are not the sort or people I would want to offer myself to sexual. X

    I agree, with NN, as my daughter has had lots of probs in the same dept since birth and will have forever, now at 24 she still finds it a little difficult when meeting some one new however she's not had any major issues with them understanding.

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    [suspended user]

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    I agree with what everyone else has said. If he can't see past that then his not worth it!

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    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Poppicat - Great Advice from everyone. I totally agree that if someone won't support you with this situation, then they are very shallow and not worth being with. Just make sure you tell them early on in the relationship and you should be fine :) xx

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    rubysoho [sign in to see picture]
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    i think scorpius said it all :) x

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    KebertXela [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok, now all the women have given you bad advice, I wouldnt bring it up.

    Men filter too.

    Dating is the art of acting normal until someone is invested enough to deal with your crazy.

    My honest thoughts on you are,

    Shes hot

    Tut, tattoos

    Wtfs an arse drain.

    And at that point, I'd close your profile and move on to the next, shallow, perhaps, welcome to reality.

    Now, if you added you have awesome mariokart skills, a desire to be a unicorn and an ability to convince Mrs Kebert she wants one, the bad may be overlookable, when I find out three weeks later, but dont open with anything negative.

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    [suspended user]

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    Don't really see how we've gave bad advice?

    My partner has heart problems and ADHD and ED and he also has quite a past but! I was happy that he told me right away and not half way down the line.

    I would of been very angry and upset if he hadn't told me right away and probably would of lift him.

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    myghost [sign in to see picture]
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    none of it is bad advice better to tell someone you have health problems in the begining and weed out all the shallow people than get in to a relationship with someone then six months later get dumped when you tell them about your health problem and they don't want to be with someone like you

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    KebertXela [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm not seeing it.

    I've been out of dating game a while, so maybe stuffs changed, but I've never heard of anyone saying, Hi, I'm Dave, and I have ED anywhere but a support group.

    If it works as a chat up line then colour me impressed.

    Leaving it until it comes up naturaly says "this is nothing you have to worry about"

    I dont know, if it means she cant leave the house and cant eat food, perhaps its something that does need mentioning up front.

    But dont make a bigger deal of it than it is.

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    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    We are no saying she introduces herself and says ' wanna see my drain"
    We are saying get to know the people, go in a few dates , explain she has had serious spinal surgery and has a drain Insitu but its not a permanent thing: she might end up thinking these men are dicks before she even needs to get to the point of telling them about her health concerns. But if she likes a guy enough to consider having a sexual relationship with, then she should be upfront and not drag it out

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    We said bring it up early. Not bring it up in the very first sentance. lol

    Yes, both men and women filter, but if a guy was interested in me, enough to be chatting to me because he sees a pretty picture and a profile with some words that sound good to him and then closed it down because he saw I had a medical condition then that is fine. I would be glad to avoid that person tbh. In the real world we can all find people who can look past things to the point they dont care one bit because they are interested in us as a person and all the good things about us, the interesting, fun things and yup, that may take a few weeks, months etc to establish, so I agree. But why should she waste her time not telling a guy about it for months and months onlt to find out after SHE is emotionally attached, that he cannot handle it? This thread is about what she should do. Why should she hide who she is and pretend to be a perfect doll to reel him in and then unleash to him all the things she is uncomfortable about herself. How is that fair on either her, or the guy?

    Now I do understand what you are saying with regards to "Once he is invested" its different, and that is true. I agree. But isnt this misleading? "Hey hunni, I never mentioned it 6 months ago but now I feel you can handle it....guess what...." Bleh. Nah sorry. if he couldn't handle it at the start, the only difference now is that he finds it off putting or difficult in some way but now he wont say it for fear of hurting you. Id rather weed out that at the start.

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    taraman [sign in to see picture]
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    Naughty nurse 85 wrote:

    I would just tell them. If they can't see past the drain and its medical importance then they are not the sort or people I would want to offer myself to sexual. X

    Hi Poppi,

    I am a man in my early 40's and I completely agree with NN's post. I think KX's comments are in line with NN in that men who would "filter" would not be the sort of people to offer yourself to.

    My advice is to go out, enjoy yourself and your dating and be relaxed. You don't need to download all your medical history in a single evening and I would suggest that you mention it generally and casually in one of your early dates (eg I had a back operation). If a relationship develops where you want to make it sexual, then you can talk about it more.

    If the drain is only there for a year then I wouldn't make a big deal about it.

    Hope that helps.

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