Dear John...

 A break up tape!!! That's a lot of effort to break up with someone.

My friend's 'song' with a bf was "End of the Road"  - doomed!!

It was a tempestual relationship at best, the sex was great though.  She really knew how to grip my shit & vice versa.  Looking back... BOY it was fun!

jav_ski wrote:

red_queen wrote:

 Dear John

You told me that you had slept with over 100 women...and all i could think was that there were 'over 100' other totally unsatisfied women out there, who had the sad misfortune to encounter the smallest penis in the world attached to a man who hadn't a clue.

A man who thought that getting a girlfriend was the reason to quit his job and then spend the next few months using her money to get drunk and coked up. 

A man who woke his girlfriend up in the middle of the night to start an argument when she had an important presentation at work the next day.

A man who came home after spending all of his money (from the job his girlfriend finally found him) on drugs and drink for other people and cried all night hiding behind the curtains.

Not really much of a man!

You have my sympathy, this sounds too familiar! As long as yours didn't have the initials A.F... that would be too spooky.

I sent my last ex a text saying this song sums up my feelings exactly:

My Life Story - If You Can't Live Without Me Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

Haha, Ian - you're as bad as me!

I remember driving away after a bit of an awkward situation with a cheating ex listening to Reel Big Fish - Where Have You Been?

This thread is hilarious!!!

Dear first,

I though you was great, you'd had a hard life, adopted at birth after been found in a bus stop, I fell for it all! How foolish? It didn't occur to me at the time how much you looked like EVERYONE in your family!

opening and closing you mouth without doing anything doesn't count as kissing, pulling my nipple isn't foreplay, and asking if I was enjoying it as i was so quiet was a mistake, if you hadn't asked that then you may have had more confidence as you wouldn't have got the reply "I didn't realise it was in"

With everything that happened I decided to continue with the relationship ( I was young and naive!) it fizzled out after a while but we remaind friends......that was, of course, until you slept with my new boyfriend!

I'm glad your not in my life anymore, but when you turned up to my old place of work and you saw me dressed as wonderwoman for the launch day completed me, your face was a picture and when you asked for another chance made me feel so happy with my life as it is!

Hopefully your better in bed with men

Enjoy your life!

im quickly becoming a serial poster XD

dear john (the second)

although you were pyhsically older than my by 7 years you were mentally about 12,

trimming your hair down there and having a wash and a shave before meeting me might have made a better impression then you did.  i have news for you,  sex dosent have to be just in the bedroom, with the lights off, and next time you move please make sure your bed is put together properly, i hate it when what little sleep i get is disrupted. 

and another thing, if you share a bed with anyone else make sue you only occupy your half of it as sleeping diagonally is incredibly annoying and cold as you take all the duvet.

i prefer a man and not a mouse.  if you don't want something say instead of changing the subject or egnoring it. I know you were very vanilla and fairly shy but i would have wrecked you given half the chance. :P plud i knoe youre not THAT vanilla as you reguarly watched porn and have admitted to making films with an ex!

also i know you are in full time work but would it kill you to text back? and if you are feeling sleepy say so that the person on the other end dosent worry what has happened to you.

Andserkiel wrote:

sexymel88 wrote:

I'm glad your not in my life anymore, but when you turned up to my old place of work and you saw me dressed as wonderwoman for the launch day completed me, your face was a picture and when you asked for another chance made me feel so happy with my life as it is!

Gotta love moments like these! =D

Tell me about it, I've never felt so good

xxx

Dear recent x

The 4 years we spent together were the worst i could possible say, the best thing i got from you was our 2 kids. There was no chance of an orgasm, 2 minutes of sex some how doesnt do it for me and your excuse "My fingers are to ruff, to give you any stimulation" and "My neck gets sore giving you oral" really made me laugh. But yet i was expected to give you a blow job every time we attempted anything as you "prefered blow jobs to sex". and you still wonder why i left you. And sex about every 2 months because YOU was to tired all the time was rather pathetic. as you always said i stayed at home and did nothing all day..thats why you always got your tea when you got in from work, always had clean clothes to wear, kids was looked after washed fed and put to bed, and the housework was done.

Never mind im in a much happier relationship now and its not just all about one person.

mybadx wrote:

as you always said i stayed at home and did nothing all day..thats why you always got your tea when you got in from work, always had clean clothes to wear, kids was looked after washed fed and put to bed, and the housework was done.

Being a mother should be recognized as a proper job title, because it's bloody hard work, but women get idiots like this telling them they're lazy for staying home and bringing up their children.

Thanks angelawren, i agree with you. I put up with it for 4 years till i snapped and it was all over and then he realised what he had but by then it was too late, no mater how much jars of coffee he came to the house with i wasnt taking him back.

 Since this isn't about a specific sex act, it may be considered off topic.  However, it was quite cathartic to write, and I thought some of you might identify with similar experiences, so I thought I'd chance posting it.

Dear Issue-Ridden-Child-Masquerading-As-An-Adult,

I understand that you selflessly suffered every time you said one thing and did another, broke your promises to me, abdicated responsibility by lying to me, and then blamed me for your transgressions.

I understand that the agony you endured whenever I asked you to clarify your frequent contradictory statements was my fault, and therefore your courageous evasions and attacks were also my fault.

I understand that my assumptions that you were responsible for your behaviour caused you considerable torment, so I was clearly evil for declining to comfort you for your transgressions against me.

I understand that each time I declined to ease your suffering from your transgressions against me, I was violating your rightful entitlement to abdicate responsibility and modify the facts to fit your specifications.

I understand that all of your decisions to lie, to piss all over my trust, and to dump me over the phone so you didn't have to face me couldn't possibly have been your responsibility, because that would just be silly.

I understand that I was being ridiculous, unreasonable, and unrealistic to expect a 40-something year old man to take responsibility for both his own behaviour and for the consequences of that behaviour.

From my experiences with you, I now understand that from this day forward, I must only ever date individuals whose emotional age exceeds that of a 4-year-old.

Signed,

An Actual Grown-Up

Dear Waste of Space

Its almost 15 years ago since we got together, my how time flies...unlike how long it took you to get an erection after downing at least 15 pints a night. The best you could manage on one night was to whisper drunkenly ' Can i lick you out'. I looked at you, you still had a bit of kebab stuck to your feeble attempt to grow a goatee, you stank of beer and perfume!! How i managed to resist, i still dont know to this day!! Despite this i still hung in there, i kinda took pity on you, hoping that i would be the one who could teach you, how to treat  a woman nicely however it wasnt to be. In fact, you were a lost cause.

I admit i was attracted to your bad boy image and thought it was prettyy cool to hang around with you....until that fateful day when our eyes met at across a court room at the local Sheriff Court. I was there on a Monday morning as part of my uni course, the whole weekend i hadnt heard from you which wasnt unlike you in the least, but usually i would have got a late nite drunken phone call, with you slavering some kind of nonsense down the phone to me. You could have knocked me down with a feather when your case was the first to be called, breach of peace, football hooligaism and drunk and disorderly. I decided there and then it was time for us to part, in fact it was made so much easier as the Sheriff sentenced you to 6 months imprisonment. Good riddance to bad rubbish is what i say! LOSER!

 Dear John

When you think I'm writhing in pleasure, I'm spasming in pain. My clitoris is not the same as your bell end, and attacking it like its a pencil mark you're trying to erase HURTS. Handle with care.

Also, going at it like a pneumatic drill is not arousing. Please learn to grind a little.

britchick84 wrote:

 Please learn to grind a little.

Britchick, this line is genius, lol. Had me in fits!

 mrsminx!

PMSL @ the bit of kebab stuck to his face  Ha ha ha

that had me giggling so much I almost wet myself and I totally know what you mean!

PPB
x

LoveHoney - Carly wrote:

Haha, Ian - you're as bad as me!

I remember driving away after a bit of an awkward situation with a cheating ex listening to http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/reel+big+fish/where+have+you+been_20115027.html

Off topic, but I love the opening to that song, aww I miss my ska and pop-punk days, every so often I revert and spend days listening to old albums, its great :)

Good lord, why has this been ignored/misplaced/not been seen for so long!

Dear mr eX

You may be interested to know that the X box is not the only thing in the room. And while I was waiting patiently, watching you play gran turismo for the 6 millionth time, all I was thinking about was sex. Sadly, when you finally did get round to having sex with me, all I could think about was that new BMW you won and was sitting in the 'garage'. I'm glad that I no longer hold any interest in that BMW, or the sex with you any longer.

Also, answering the phone while in the middle of having sex with me is always gonna be an instant turn off. Inviting the caller round for a cuppa is always going to make me want to slap you across the face.

When having sex and idley watching out the window at the same time, if you do see one of your neighbours, please dont shout out to them! I dont want to have sex with someone who is shouting to his friends that he is shagging me right now, and how my boobs are bouncing!

On that note, when your mate from the phone call does turn up for a cuppa, dont sit down with them and tell them that I was like shagging a sack of potatoes, then wonder why, when you nipped to the loo, I told him how small your dick is.

I feel sorry for any woman who has had the miserable experience of sharing a bed with you.

PS. It was me who broke your telly, For the love of Odin, turn your dammed tv off when you go to sleep, so I'm not kept awake listening to late night Prize Caller shows!

There.. I feel better!

Dear Twatbag.

Just because i didnt want a repeat performace for our one night stand doesn't mean i thought you were a bastard at the time - I had been through some shit and it was just a night of fun, so it would have been great if you could have just got over it, instead of calling me up and calling me every offensive name under the sun.

I didnt think you were a shit when i slept with you, (despite your ridiculously huge cock which was uber painful) but i sure did afterwards. OMG chill out you big freak!!!!

Sincerely

Kitty McPlunder.

Dear Little John,

How I managed to suffer 10 years with you is beyond me. Years of wondering if it was your little finger or your pathetic excuse of a cock that was inside me. Do you even know what pussy tastes like? Understand what oral is? I think not. Wondered at times if you were gay. A little tip for you, before trying to slip it into my ass remember lube for god sake, I know you are small but that's no excuse. You slept about behind my back the freaked out when I went for an STI checkup. Do you think I'm stupid? Just glad I didn't catch anything from you.

Oh and one last thing, you said I would never go through with getting my clit hood pierced.......well I did! You will never know how good it looks.

SLM.