• Sex ruining relationship.

    1376339233
    50 plus and loving it! [sign in to see picture]
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    I am going to be blunt and honest with you!

    he sounds horrid and you need to find yourself another boyfriend!

    i am assuming you are young and you really need to find a man who you ill have a loving sexual relationship with and it's not this man!

    I am not against being with an older man, I am, and they are usually better lovers as they have more experience, but this guy just sounds like a prick.

    move on!

    1376340991
    Naughty Miss K [sign in to see picture]
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    You do not have to enjoy it.

    You do not have to achieve it.

    No one can say otherwise! If it isn't for you, it isn't for you, your relationship can't depend on you making yourself enjoy it.

    1376342647
    BlankeMaus [sign in to see picture]
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    Also some people just aren't for sex.

    1376344151
    Lou22 [sign in to see picture]
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    PrincessPink wrote:

    Thanks for the replies it helps to read through them all. After talking with the bf previously he is really gentle when behind eg he tries not to go in to far or too hard. If I say stop he does and we did try getting into the positions for a few moments with no movement to relax me. The problem is the constant stress on both of us and the pressure on me that I have to achieve this and enjoy it as its a major dealbreaker. A lot of our problems came from misunderstandings or my lack of confidence to speak up or take control.

    Sorry i'm jumping in a bit late on this one. I'm afraid i have to agree with the others when thay say it doesn't sound like your partners treating you very well at all. You say that you learning to enjoy this is a dealbreaker, does this mean if you can't your relationship will be over? It sounds like your partner only cares about his own pleasure and it doesn't seem to matter to him what you want.

    I know you say that he's careful not to hurt you and he's upset when he does hurt you but he doesn't take the very obvious step to avoid all this pain for you of just not doing it at all. You have to ask yourself if the situation was reversed would you put him through this? Watch him scared and in pain for the sake of having sex a certain way.

    The fact that he says he feels bad for how you're feeling but doesn't actually stop asking just sounds manipulative and by appearing to be sympathetic towards you you're the one who ends up feeling guilty or like you have to fix everything. And saying that the way you're feeling is wrong is just absurd, he should be helping you with whatever you're feeling not dismissing it.

    I know for my partner that he likes certain postions more than others but he'd hate any one of them if he thought i wasn't enjoying myself (especially if i was in pain), that would ruin it for him because pleasing me is part of what makes things good for him.

    I don't think forcing yourself to try when your so stressed about it is a good idea as it can just make things more painful. Hopefully you will be able to tell you partner that that position is of limits and get the response you deserve.

    1376346555
    50 plus and loving it! [sign in to see picture]
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    If this is early days of a new relationship and sounds like your first proper relationship you should not need counselling.

    a new relationship should be fun, you should be learning about each other and things should be equal.

    he sounds like he is a bully and is brainwashing you, really a relationship shouldn't be like this!!!

    1376353052

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    PP seriously have you thought of taking a break from making love and just enjoying being together. Sex just isnt THAT important and it isnt about domination (unless thats what you agree in advance) its about sharing and giving or being given pleasure.

    1376355042
    lindtchilli [sign in to see picture]
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    Naughty Miss K wrote:

    You do not have to enjoy it.

    You do not have to achieve it.

    No one can say otherwise! If it isn't for you, it isn't for you, your relationship can't depend on you making yourself enjoy it.

    ^ this.

    Actions speak louder than words.

    Him saying he feels bad for hurting you but still insisting on a position which causes you mental and physical pain is contradictory. If having sex and enjoying it one particular way, which is literally traumatising your body and your mind, is a deal breaker... Then that's a deal that is not worth it. You HAVE tried.

    I am flabbergasted that any man would continue to pursue a position that he knew gave his partner pain and caused her to feel like she was being raped. Just... No. I just cannot see it being worth staying in a relationship with a man who is willing to try and force you to do something that feels like rape. Any man worthy of a relationship should back away VERY FAST from anything that makes his partner feel that way, with the rare exception that the woman enjoys feeling like she's being raped (it takes all sorts). If he cares for you, he just should not be putting you in that situation. I'm horrified that he's trying to make you feel guilty for this. That's just not OK.

    1376355458

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    lindtchilli wrote:

    Naughty Miss K wrote:

    You do not have to enjoy it.

    You do not have to achieve it.

    No one can say otherwise! If it isn't for you, it isn't for you, your relationship can't depend on you making yourself enjoy it.

    ^ this.

    Actions speak louder than words.

    Him saying he feels bad for hurting you but still insisting on a position which causes you mental and physical pain is contradictory. If having sex and enjoying it one particular way, which is literally traumatising your body and your mind, is a deal breaker... Then that's a deal that is not worth it. You HAVE tried.

    I am flabbergasted that any man would continue to pursue a position that he knew gave his partner pain and caused her to feel like she was being raped. Just... No. I just cannot see it being worth staying in a relationship with a man who is willing to try and force you to do something that feels like rape. Any man worthy of a relationship should back away VERY FAST from anything that makes his partner feel that way, with the rare exception that the woman enjoys feeling like she's being raped (it takes all sorts). If he cares for you, he just should not be putting you in that situation. I'm horrified that he's trying to make you feel guilty for this. That's just not OK.

    Yeh wot she said except with this proviso, many women love doggy and it isnt about domination or rape its about a different position that can be particularly pleasing for women who like deep penetration.I still agree though if you dont like it you dont have to do it.

    1376431863
    lindtchilli [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes, a lot of women find it pleasurable, but the OP doesn't. Her reaction to doggy style, that it makes her feel like she's being raped, is just as valid as another woman who might love it. It may not be about domination for her fella, but if that's what it feels like to the OP, then whether it's a domination thing for him or not is neither here nor there.

    1376431947
    rubysoho [sign in to see picture]
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    lindtchilli wrote:

    Naughty Miss K wrote:

    You do not have to enjoy it.

    You do not have to achieve it.

    No one can say otherwise! If it isn't for you, it isn't for you, your relationship can't depend on you making yourself enjoy it.

    ^ this.

    Actions speak louder than words.

    Him saying he feels bad for hurting you but still insisting on a position which causes you mental and physical pain is contradictory. If having sex and enjoying it one particular way, which is literally traumatising your body and your mind, is a deal breaker... Then that's a deal that is not worth it. You HAVE tried.

    I am flabbergasted that any man would continue to pursue a position that he knew gave his partner pain and caused her to feel like she was being raped. Just... No. I just cannot see it being worth staying in a relationship with a man who is willing to try and force you to do something that feels like rape. Any man worthy of a relationship should back away VERY FAST from anything that makes his partner feel that way, with the rare exception that the woman enjoys feeling like she's being raped (it takes all sorts). If he cares for you, he just should not be putting you in that situation. I'm horrified that he's trying to make you feel guilty for this. That's just not OK.

    wholeheartedly agree with both of these posts .

    1376432477
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    You don't sound like you're compatible sexually. He should never make you do anything that you want to do or don't enjoy. You need someone gentle and loving who enjoys having sex in positions like missionary and spoons. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is willing to change for you, he just wants you to do everything his way.

    You say he's much older than you, maybe this has something to do with it. Honestly, he doesn't sound like a very nice man and the fact that you're having to go to counselling and hating your sex life is awful. Things shouldn't be that way.

    There are plenty of guys out there who will love you and respect you, who are your own age and won't make you do things you don't want to do. Just because he took your virginity doesn't mean you should stay with him.

    Leave him and be happier xx

    1376436360
    mrs average [sign in to see picture]
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    rubysoho wrote:

    im going to be perfectly blunt and say he sounds to me like an abusive bully . you should NEVER NBE PRESSURED INTO THINGS YOU DONT WANT TO DO , but ... it seems as youve posted this before youre not really willing to do what you need to help yourself .. ie : get rid .

    It sounds harsh but I agree. you shouldnt feel like having to do anything you dont want to and if sex feels like rape then it probably is.

    Big hugs and I hope you pluck up the courrage to get rid!!

    1376441647
    PrincessPink [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for all the opinion. I should add that the bf doesn't consider sex acts as degrading or dominating so that stuff is just how I feel. I took some of your advice and showed him this thread. He read through it and we talked all day about the subject. Not sure if we got anywhere but he says that I am free to do what I want so we shall see if we make any progress.

    1376445973
    ghostgirl [sign in to see picture]
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    Coming into this late, I have 2 daughters and I am going to give you the advice I would give them if they found themselves in a similar situation. ( they are not old enough to be yet)

    I should add that the bf doesn't consider sex acts as degrading or dominating so that stuff is just how I feel.

    Your relationship sounds like an emotionally abusive one, they only get worse never better.

    Get out, stay single for a while and spend time building your confidence and self esteem, then start dating guys who respect you enough to care more about your feelings/pleasure than they do about their own.

    If you find it degrading or demeaning then it is degrading and he should respect you enough to stop making you feel that way.

    xGGx

    1376467189
    BlankeMaus [sign in to see picture]
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    On the flip side, some people just aren't really emotionally ready for a lot of sex and some never become ready for it.

    It's just how they are made up and no amount of councelling, talking and trying to change will alter that fact.

    It's no one's fault. It's either something the boyfriend will have to accept, or they split up.

    On Chesil Beach is a long boring book, but it does show two different sides to love and sex.

    I used to read Angel Cards in my spare time and once came across a lady who loved her boyfriend, her boyfriend loved her but she just could not sleep with him.

    I also came across a man who simply did not want sex with anyone, he wanted the wife and kids but had no interest in sexual contact, not even kissing.

    One thing that I read here from the OP that bothers me is that he took her virginity from behind, a womans first time should be gentle, compassionate and in a way that she feels comfy with.

    It's easy for us to label her boyfriend as vile and a bully, but it may very well be that the OP simply differs from most people in that sex is something she does not enjoy and the more she feels it's not ok to feel that way about sex the harder it becomes for her.

    I do think being single or dropping sex from the menu in the relationship will be much better for her at least until she discovers who she is inside and outside of the bedroom and maybe a lot of self gratification for herself so she can find out what pleases her and what doesn't.

    1376472652
    S&S [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't worry I wont tell you to leave your fella and to be honest some of the comments about him are a bit harsh - only you know him.

    When I started having sex I hated doggy too. I was young and was freaked out because if it was from behind then he wasn't looking at me and I freaked out thinking that he didn't want to look at me. The more freaked out I got the more it would hurt and I used to dread sex. Any bad experience in sex at the start can really put you off.

    Perhaps the age and thus the gap in sexual experience between you and your partner is the issue here. Perhaps this is something you can chat about or bring up in therapy. He may have been enjoying a particular kind of sex up until being with you. Also, I was wondering if it was a guy thing - a lot of guys think sex should look like porn, complete with the wild positions and acrobatics. Tell him how you need it to be. As your confidence in this respect grows then you can do the other stuff.

    Also, just a thought, if it feels like domination when he's in charge then turn the tables on him. Tie him down, get on top and have sex with him how you want to. Alternatively, make sort of a contract with him where you would agree you're in charge for the session and he had to do what you wanted.

    Hope this all helps a bit and gives you guys something to think about. Keep talking to him because that will really help.

    1376473183
    moonshine79 [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm.agreeing if sex isn't enjoyable for you and he won't listen without making you feel guilty, he's not a respectful man. Losing your virginity is a special thing to girls and should be as such.

    My ex was like that, pushy and made me feel as you do now, only I was quite liberal and not a recent virgin, he wanted strangulation, plastic bags and any other thing that could potential seriously harm me, not him.

    Right now you have a choice you can sit him down, take his hands and look him in the eye and be honest about how you feel and ask him to work with you and give you time to grow sexually and in confidence or you can tell him it's unfair that he makes you feel like this and if it doesn't change your leaving to ffind someone that will respect and care about you and your needs.

    This isn't nice at all, I'd love to be your big sister and knock him. Out or at least some sense into him lol

    Take care the period after losing your virginity is what you remember and not all men are like this.

    1376484113
    Nikolai [sign in to see picture]
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    You can't just make yourself enjoy these positions, and i must say that your boyfriend sounds quite mean if he knows how you feel about it. I know how it feels to be shy and have a more experienced partner.
    The girlfriend i had my first time with was older than me and had way more experience, she kept pushing me to do stuff i didnt feel comfortable with yet. I said that i just didn't want too, the thought did not wake any sexual joy. And as months went by we had anal and did the doggie all the time.

    It just takes time, id recommend you to really confront him and say no. if he cant accept a no, then its rape and thats eligal. I really hope you to can figure everything out. Best of luck!

    1376649490
    naughty stacey [sign in to see picture]
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    PrincessPink wrote:

    Thanks for the replies it helps to read through them all. After talking with the bf previously he is really gentle when behind eg he tries not to go in to far or too hard. If I say stop he does and we did try getting into the positions for a few moments with no movement to relax me. The problem is the constant stress on both of us and the pressure on me that I have to achieve this and enjoy it as its a major dealbreaker. A lot of our problems came from misunderstandings or my lack of confidence to speak up or take control

    The problem is not you. Blaming yourself is not the path to a happy sex life.

    1376665105
    naughty stacey [sign in to see picture]
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    Its too late for an edit, I would like to amend the above to 'placing blame (on anyone) is not the path to a happy sex life.'

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